Can we start a CF Christmas thread?

[AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley]

Because:

I need some light relief

I'll start. DS (nc now) once texted me on Christmas Eve to tell me (not ask) that her and DN were coming for Christmas...and staying for three weeks!

There was a list of instructions with the text, including:

I'll be sleeping in your room, and you, DH and DN can all share with DD, because I've had him all year alone and need a break. (She actually told me she was giving me a chance to prove that I was a better aunty than a sister!)

There'll be none of that (insert horrible racist word beginnig with P) shit that you normally cook. I'm allergic to hot food.

DN wakes up at 5.30. He needs breakfast within a half hour of waking, or else he won't be able to poo later in the day.

I need picking up at 6.00 at the latest, so you can give him tea.

Then she had the nerve to text DH and tell him I'd agreed to it, and she was ready to be collected! DH left work, and it wasn't until I'd been waiting in the rain for him to pick me up as arranged, and called him, that I dound out he was halfway to where she lived! (30 miles from us).

I'd just ignored the text.

He came straight back, I sent a "lol, dream on!" text, cue months- MONTHS- of PA fbk statuses about family not being everything, etc, etc...

Anyone else?

Last year BIL decided he and his DP couldn't afford to visit FIL abroad after all, after we decided to host, so of course got an invitation to ours with MIL and my family.
They rocked over from MIL's (a short walk away) at midday, hung over and without any contribution to the food or wine. BIL critisized the size of my carrots- twice, then they left after the presents.

CherryChasingDotMuncher you can give Carl my best, too, when you see him, and tell him that he's been cheered on by strangers!

I have been searching for this thread all morning so that I can add. SO MANY CHOICES from DH's family, known as the CF Clan!

I love Christmas. Therefore it is obvious I would wish to host it for the entire CF Clan. Every year god sends. We have never, ever had a return invitation. The CF Clan is made up of two types – the “good uns” who bake dessert and bring lovely wine, and the rest. There are only really 2 of the former. The rest. Where do I start?

DIL’s never host, and about 3 years out of 4 call at the last minute with regrets. Despite this, the run up includes lots of planning because DFIL requires that they are picked up, and returned, despite driving happily everywhere else – and is very fussy about who can do that. Despite us living a good 45 minutes from him, DH (never mind he is cooking for 25-30) is best option #2. DSIL2 is option #1. For everything. They do not bring gifts. Not for anyone, despite them having more money than they could ever require. Some years I ask them if they wish me to shop for them, but mostly I’ve decided it is not worth it. I have seen DMIL slip envelopes to other DGS & DGD. Not to my DC or DGC. They typically spend most of the day/evening talking to DSIL2, but perhaps will have a sentence or two for one of my lot on a good year.

DSIL1 lives in an apartment, has been with DP for 35 years, and we have been to their place once. Not for food mind you, nor coffee – they had none, and only one cup if you wanted tea. It was her renaming ceremony. What fun. Apart from the very smelly leg-riding dogs and the pet rats. We were only invited that once, thankfully. She and her DP arrive at least one hour late every single year, but at least over time we learned to finesse the expected time by lying, so that they mostly make it before we eat. Every year they wait til we are all seated then suggest next year should be a potluck. We once agreed, and sked them to bring something, so they offered a starter. They came in right when we had planned to sit down, and she asked if we had hot water. Then asked for a large pot. Then for pasta. At that point DCousin held me back physically, but did ascertain that the starter was actually store bought pasta sauce that she planned to put into my pasta, cooked during us finishing up Christmas dinner prep. Did Not Happen. They no longer bring their DDogs, thank all the gods (they had to be seated at the table, or at least right near their people) so that’s something to be thankful for. They do, however, bring a doggie bag specifically to get the best cuts of meat to take home to the DDogs, preferably before the damned humans have had any. We have become wise to this. Now we set a ‘watcher’ once the meat goes on the table.

DSIL2 is the golden child. Took me til year 4 or 5 when she was more than an hour late (two hours beyond invitation time) to actually call her to see what was taking so long. Her 8 year old answered the phone and said “Mummy’s taking a nap.” She arrived with beautifully done hair and makeup. I made sure it was me who opened the door (looking like I’d been dragged through a bush backwards and puce with fury), shooed the kids and DBIL in, then got very close and told her “Never. Again.” She now comes on time and is mostly quite pleasant. Sometimes brings a bottle of wine. Or a potted plant.

None of the above ever lift a finger, but instead take the opportunity for a good old catchup. How nice! What fun. So lovely for them.

The Good Uns are very good, so it makes it worthwhile. Thank goodness the next generation are much better mannered and actually jump up to help me clear up a bit. They have somehow raised very lovely DC and we do this for them.

Ah well. I still love Christmas. My DH, on the other hand, says it is the hardest thing he does all year, and threatens annually to run away from home if I try to open the discussion.

sorry, that was long. I could write a book on the sheer fuckery of this lot.

and breathe.

Why don't you just host the ones you actually like?

DH has just emailed his sister to ask what her 2 girls (under age 10)woukd like for Xmas.
Her reply was that they'd just prefer money rather than toys (then added "minimum £100")

Dh replied "I'll expect a very good handwritten thank you letter (minimum 3 pages)"

Good question, YouTheCat

It is often one of the only occasions in the year when they all see each other, and oddly they are all quite good company (if you are not the host) and have a lovely time. We have flirted with cutting the guest list over the years, but our DC have been very sad. One day we shall have them trained. Or them us.

I thought I was CF-less but my dad has just informed me that when he spoke to my DBro earlier in the week he was told I'd invited them both for Boxing Day this year. I'm sure I'd remember

My MIL is the ultimate christmas CF.

One year they came to stay with us for a few days over the festive season. She brought a bottle of wine. When they were leaving on boxing day she opened the fridge and spotted her wine still in there and said she'd take it home with her as we hadn't drunk it.

The presents she gets for me are always things that come free from clinique or some other fancy brand she treats herself to - eg buy two skincare products (which she keeps) and get free make up bag or brushes (which she gives to me) and in the small print I can always see the words "not for separate resale - part of promotional offer".

And we always have to get vouchers for her and FIL and she specifies the type of vouchers and the amount we should spend.

Do I win?

DH has just emailed his sister to ask what her 2 girls (under age 10)woukd like for Xmas. Her reply was that they'd just prefer money rather than toys (then added "minimum £100")
Dh replied "I'll expect a very good handwritten thank you letter (minimum 3 pages)"

Gobsmacking. £100+ each for under-tens? Get to fuck.

Well done MrBanana!

2017 - why not have a slimmed down Christmas guest list but get the CFs all together at another, less fraught, time of year? That way you have a nicer festive season and you still get to see them all.

"minimum £100".

Well TheCat I must say I had not thought of that. What a brilliant idea. Literally never occurred to me.

This year is going to be interesting. The "good uns" are going out of town. We are staying in a hotel over the whole season (!) since we have sold and bought, but not getting keys until January. Let's see if we get an invite - anyone want to take bets? DH's guess is that someone will propose eating out sometime around the holiday. Then somehow magically we will get left with the bill. We have agreed we will not pay it. Hell no.

My Sis is an amazing CF when it comes to gifts. Sometimes they are so bad it’s just funny.
The best a couple of Christmases ago was a bath bomb gifted to my other sister, it was still in its paper wrapper but had a strange water / tide type mark and faded part.
Turns out her dog had pissed on it, she dried and thought nothing of gifting it anyway.
There were dried frothy bits on the edge of the packaging!!!

Dh replied "I'll expect a very good handwritten thank you letter (minimum 3 pages)"

BOOM.

Yay Carl.

I’d love to give my sister a present with an edge but it honestly would not be worth the sulking.

My DB and DSIL, who are themselves lovely, have spent nearly every Christmas since they married trying not to go to DSIL's cousins for Christmas Day. These cousins (who I have met once, at DB/DSIL's wedding, for about 30 seconds) are apparently utterly grim, the DW is a tantrum thrower who hates everyone, the DH fancies himself as a chef but fannies about all afternoon so the guests, invited for lunch at about 2pm, generally don't get fed till about 9pm. Poor DB is one of those people who gets miserably hungry if he skips a meal and feels quite unwell; apparently everyone else spends the afternoon getting pissed (DB doesn't drink)...DB and SIL did two Christmases with them but now plead to spend it with my mum, who is happy to have them...

Sil and bil. After years of watching us bring wine for a meal, they’d obviously had a chat and decided to try this amazing altruism on for size. They took their bottle back home with them.

One Christmas, they told mil/fil it was being held at sil’s parents’ house. Except on Christmas morning they demanded both sets of parents come to theirs, bringing the food with them, as the children were tired.

Great thread. I received an M and S scarf one year from an elderly aunt. It wasn't my taste, but not wanting to offend her I secretly took it back to exchange. The cashier explained they hadn't stocked the scarf for a number of years and wasn't able to help blush

That happened to DS this year. Nana gave him a hoodie for his birthday and because he's 13 and it wasn't branded he didn't like it so I said I'd bring it back and exchange it. They didn't recognise it in the shop and had no record of that style in the system.

My CF story isn't so bad and I actually didn't mind but looking back it seems a little cheeky...

DH and I flew approximately 3,000 miles on multiple flights (and then drove 2 hours) to spend Xmas with SIL, BIL, their 6 children and PIL. We paid for an airbnb nearby due to SIL/BIL's crowded house (our choice, they would have hosted us but we wanted to be able to escape when needed). Of course we also brought presents for everyone mentioned, so all in all the most expensive Christmas EVER for us.

During our stay SIL & BIL cooked some fabulous meals (we pitched in with prep and washing up) and we also babysat our DNs throughout our stay to help our inlaws get a break, take care of chores etc...

On the 3rd day of our visit we arrived at SIL/BIL's home in the morning and were handed paintbrushes and paint and before we knew it we were busy painting their downstairs toilet! TBH I didn't mind as I vastly prefer doing a task over sitting around babysitting or making smalltalk and to be fair it was actually my MILs idea to get us working, not my SIL/BIL's. My MIL herself is very much a "doer" so she was only having us get to work the way she does herself (in fact she spent that Christmas helping to lay flooring in their basement) but I look back on that Christmas and think never again will I fly and drive that far just to be free labour!

I already have my issues with the way my inlaws do Christmas anyway - they are religious and don't approve of the Father Christmas story so my DH and SIL were raised to never believe in him. They pretty much broke another relative's child's heart at age 5 by lecturing him about Father Christmas not existing! Apart from that I actually really like them.

Can I run something by you? Because I feel I may have been a CF myself this year!

As mentioned in a PP, I sent a text to everyone about the food banks. I'll copy it here.

Right you 'orrible lot. It's that time of year again. A few of you have already asked (DH) what to buy for the hardest buggar to buy for in the world!😃

I have everything I need. I have a roof over my head, cupboards overflowing with food- literally! Remember Cumingate? And I have you lot.

Instead of buying for me, could you please pop something into the food bank cart at tesco? Something nice, please, like candy or cookies? If you can't get to Tesco/just CBA, me and Rocky are doing a drop off mid December, so you could always leave it here.

Love you all more than haribo and PCBH combined!

M💜

Ok, so I sent the above. Looking down this thread, it seems to be classed as CFism to request specific things...have I been an ACF? (Accidental Cheeky Fucker)

Radley, that's not CF, that's lovely.

My friends etc are sort of used to me ans my direct way of speaking (too lazy to use any more words than necessary 😅) so it wouldn't have sounded so demanding to them iyswim?

Radley you know your family and friends. My family would have hated that (used to complain if I volunteered at Christmas and basically accused me of living my life with the sole purpose of showing them up) but I would love it.

Phew! I'd actually drafted an apology text!