Splitting restaurant bill

[idontwanttodothisanymore]

I’m one of those people who like to pay for just my meal. I hate splitting the bill by how many people there are.

Me and DH went out with his friend and his OH the other day.

Mine and DH meal came to: £31.57
I had pizza and water, he had chicken and one coke.
DH friend and OH meal came to: £49.78
They had ribs, lasagne, chips and 3 drinks.

Final bill was £81.75
DH friend had two vouchers for £20 off, so they both used that.

Then the OH said we could pay the rest. So we ended up paying £41.75 - £10 more than our meal!!!

I had never met her before and was completely shocked that she wanted us to split by 4 when our meal was cheaper.
She was very intimidating anyway so I didn’t want to say anything.

We were going to do 2 bills but the waiter was all flustered so we said don’t bother. Regretting it now!

I know it’s only £10 but our circumstances are so different. They both work and she has one child - he works full time and she works part time. Whereas DH works part time (and overtime if there is any) but I don’t (I had to leave my job due to medically issues), and we have 2 children.

DH doesn’t think I should be annoyed but I really am!
AIBU to be annoyed?

I don’t think I’ll ever see her again anyway, I didn’t get a good vibe from her and she’s just not my kind of person at all.

I never have an issue splitting the bill. Except when someone says, at the beginning, “I’m a bit broke, d’you mind if...” and that is a) not a problem and b) I’d rather pick theirs up for them.
Obviously I am very lucky to be able to do so, but whatever happens, make it plain BEFORE you eat.
BEFORE you even get to the restaurant.

All these people who have friends and family they go out to dinner with who they consider free loaders trying to stiff them with the bill, so weird, I don’t know anyone like this, never mind friends and family who I’d go out to dinner with.

It’s really sad.😔

AlkaSeltzing Why should anyone explain BEFORE they eat that they don't want to split the bill? It will only affect the rest of the table if the rest of the table are freeloaders.

Why should anyone explain BEFORE they eat that they don't want to split the bill? It will only affect the rest of the table if the rest of the table are freeloaders

Who are you socialising with for gods sake that you’d even think this of people?

Why is it up to the person who can't afford to or doesn't want to split the bill to make it plain beforehand? Is it that difficult to show a bit of consideration and sensitivity to what other people might be ordering or their circumstances?

Splitting the bill is not some kind of natural default. Taking turns, treating someone or each paying their own are just as likely options. No need for anyone to have to announce they don't want to split the bill at the outset. So long as everyone can afford to pay for what they have ordered, it won't be a problem, and if someone can't afford to pay for what they have ordered, they are the problem.

noone said that blunt

You say it up front because it’s easier for the restaurant to run a seperate tab from the start than have to sit and split it out and go through who had what at the end. It’s usually entered electronically by table as you go, so splitting from thr start makes it easier for them.

And from my perspective the societal norm is just to split it by the amount of people there. However it’s also my norm for no one to take the piss, but also conversely no one to to sit with a glass of water and a sandwich, whilst the rest of the group enjoys a three course celebratory meal, which was the intent of the evening. So splitting it is not an issue, it’s all fairly equal.

There are two reasons to speak out up front,

1. it is much easier for the waiting staff to keep bills separate from the start rather than have to back track and try and split individual items up, particularly in a large group. I have eaten in places where I have seen small signs on menus stating they would not do this, I lived in a student town and think they just got fed with students asking them to do this.
2. Splitting the bill is just the social norm once you are a working age adult so if you want to deviate from that it is a good idea just to let people know this, particularly if you haven't eaten out together before.

It is just about making sure that you are happy with the meal, then you won't have to write a mumsnet post about your experience.😀

It's not necessarily easier for the restaurant to split the bills at the beginning as the server has to remember who is who and who had what when they are adding onto separate bills.

I think it is more likely that it is the norm that people who say the default is to split the bill pretty much always go out with people in the same financial position as they are and who eat and drink about the same as they do. Since they seem to expect that friends who are not in the same position will stay home rather than spoil everyone else's fun, I don't see that as a particularly nice societal norm.

We tend to eat out and go away with same couples - not all at same time but probably less than 15 - 20 couples/families in all.
The rules were negotiated a long time ago but in your circumstances I think a conversation should have taken place. The vouchers should be deducted before the bills were split. Usually I’d go with an even split unless one person wasn’t drinking and others were swallowing cocktails at an alarming rate or someone only had a starter to everyone else’s three courses.

flora there may be some truth in that when we go out with one BIL we will always pick up his tab or more usually split this jointly with MIL as we all know he has a low income, we discussed this privately with her when we first started to do this but now it is second nature.

mumis yes and maybe it's also an age thing. When you are first working everyone is in a roughly similar position but as you get older, things get more complicated with kids, people working PT or not at all and some people doing better financially than others. Wealth gaps can open up that weren't there before and need to be sensitively handled.

Yes, it does raise an etiquette question,

You’re invited to a slap up group meal.you know everyone will be having a min of three courses, lots of booze, it’s a celebration. You’re a big drinker, you like the group, but you’re skint.

Do you
a/ decline and say “sorry mate, can’t afford it this time”because you know what type of event it is
or do you
b/ go, sit there with your single course sandwich and glass of water, and pay for only yours.

In that instance I’m not sure it’s the money that’s the issue, any decent folks would just offer to pay your share as it was so little. However is it ok to go and sit with basically nothing?

I honestly would just say sorry mate can’t afford it this time. Option a. And when money was tight that’s what we did, if we couldn’t afford it we didn’t go. We didn’t go and sit with basically nothing. That’s uncomfortable for all concerned.

If the £20 off vouchers were one of the many freely available discount vouchers, the benefit should be shared by the whole party.

If they were gift vouchers, then they can be considered as cash and OK for the other couple to benefit fully from them.

^ this.* They were taking the piss not giving you the benefit if they were discount vouchers.*

If it had just been a case of them accidentally miscalculating the split by £10 then it’s just one of those things though, and YWBU if it had been just that.**

Went to nieces pre wedding afternoon tea the day before the actual wedding. As wedding was in Surrey we all travelled down. It was an all female afternoon at a nice country hotel. At the end someone decided we should all split the bill at£30 each. My eldest daughter had eaten nothing and had only had a coffee yet they still wanted her to pay. She's a single parent and it wasn't on so I had to sort it.

She's a single parent and it wasn't on so I had to sort it

But why? Firstly she’s an adult. And secondly why did she knowingly go to the event, knowing what was involved, if she could not afford it? Sitting eating and not drinking? Why couldn’t she speak up for herself?

Ok I’m lucky enough to afford it, and I’ve said to my Daughter, come it’s on me, and expected her to join in with the group. But if I couldn’t I would have fouund it more reasonable for her to decline.

Not eating!

why did she knowingly go to the event, knowing what was involved, if she could not afford it?

Presumably she went because it's her cousin's wedding and being skint shouldn't exclude her from a family event. Doesn't seem like anyone said "this is going to be an afternoon tea at £35 per head" or whatever. Although afternoon teas are often charged per head so maybe that's a special circumstance if her presence meant the group was charged an extra £30.

I am woth Bluntness on this. If we could not afford the group thing and to join in fully we would just say we were not available that evening and sit it out. There is no way I would go and sit with a glass of tap water and a side salad and then expect to just pay my own. I would be uncomfortable and it would really change the dynamics of the group as one of them may feel the need to offer to pay etc which I would not want.

There have been times where I have side stepped out of an arrangement if it was a very expensive month etc and no one was any the wiser.

It’s hardly unreasonable to not want to pay £30 for a cup of coffee is everyone on this thread psychic as the answer seems to be ‘shouldn’t have gone if you couldn’t afford it/join in with the festivities’. How are people supposed to know how many courses and drinks other people are having before they go?

I get you might not know if it’s a wedding tea. Although you could ask the bride to be what was involved before hand. But I get the family obligation thing,

However for a general meal out, with people you know, friends or family, I think you know really what the group will do and if it’s not going to be sitting with a glass of water and a sandwich, and that’s what you will need to do, because you can’t afford it, should you still go?

As said, , if a group are going to a restaurant I can’t really afford, then I have declined in the past, rather than sit and not join in, and pay for only mine.

However it’s really subjective.

It is not ok to subsidise others if you can’t afford it. Op is not being unreasonable
I bet all you lot saying it’s ok to split have benefitted from a split bill and some have even said gleefully that you love splitting as you always have three courses
The cheekiest version of this I saw was when I went out with a group of my friend’s husband’s and my friends (we were skint and his friends weren’t) to a place with £5 pizza/ pasta and £17 ish meat/ fish mains. They all had meat - steak and the like and split the bill and the split made them pay less than their food cost as we all would have subsidised theirs. No. We said something and they looked horrified - some people have too much money that they don’t even need to look at what stuff costs and some just think “brilliant. Overall bill will be cheap if they have pasta”. Too many CFs about.
£75 wine too?! Jog on

YANBU. I don’t mind splitting bills if it’s only a few quid but I can’t stand being taken the piss out of. Equally if my share of the bill was more I’d never dream of letting someone else sub me.

You do need to be more assertive though. I’d have had no qualms about leaving (or putting on my card) £35 to cover my share of the bill and a tip and leaving them to cover the rest.

I’ve been for three meals with a group in the past month.

The first was with a new friend of DD’s and her family who I’d never met before. We both had a voucher, could only use one so worked out mine was the better value, and split the rest 50/50.

The second was with my whole family, we had £40 of Tesco vouchers so took that off the whole bill and split the rest between the four individual family groups.

The third was my sisters birthday meal and she footed the whole £400 bill because she insisted.

I have a morbid fear of people getting their calculators out, and if someone did I’d probably never eat with them again (my aunt and uncle do this and it’s utterly mortifying.

If I’ve had much more than anyone else, or there are more of our group, I put in more but as a general £20 or whatever extra, that’s just a courtesy though and I wouldn’t get pissy if it didn’t happen the other way.

If you can’t afford to eat out, don’t eat out.

I don’t actually like announcing that I am struggling with money im on a budget if I do I do it’s usually meet with don’t worry not a problem and so on but for me it’s still embarrassing and not something o feel I need to do

Why does it have to be announced upfront I never see it as an issue when someone has said at the end of the meal can I just pay for mine

For some it’s not an issue to pay £10-£20 more for others it is but they can still afford within their budget and have stuck to that