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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cousin Marrying a man from Nigeria

141 replies

Mrsmadevans · 04/11/2017 22:48

I had a message this evening from my cousin who is quite stupid. Not based on this problem but on previous behaviour. She has met the love of her life who comes from Nigeria. I am very sceptical however it is her choice her life and her very clever sister knows all about it and is there for her. My cousin is very upset because my mum , her only auntie left, has been very damning to her, told her he only wants to marry her for a passport etc etc. I am of the mindset that even if she marries him she will have an uphill battle to get him a citizenship here. She was very upset over my mums words to her, my mum can be a tactless evil old cow when she wants to be and I can imagine what she said to her. I feel like this really , it isn't any of our business my mum needs to back off and wish her the best of luck and to stay in touch with her , one to be able to be there to support her if it does go tits up and two if it is genuine mum will want to be involved . I told my cousin not to take any notice to look after herself and to report in with her clever sis often while she was in Nigeria getting married. I am wondering wtf I can say to my mum to make her stfu to my cousin . Any advice please or shall I just say nothing and let them both get on with it?

OP posts:

Sentimentallentil · 05/11/2017 16:06

Where did they meet online??

If they met through a love of a hobby or band and actually have loads in common then it might be plausible. If it was a dating site, then no it’s a scam.

Andylion · 05/11/2017 16:20

I think you’re right, Kpo58.

Original poster

Mrsmadevans · 05/11/2017 18:26

I have spoken further to my mum and she says that stupid cousin has known this man for 18 months, she was introduced to him by a friend of hers who moved to Nigeria and knew this man and his family. So no dating agency. The childs mum is dead and he looks after the child on his own. I don't know what will happen but I do wish them well. I hope against hope it is not a scam. I don't know what he works at and I think if he is thinking she will be his fairy God mother then he is going to be sorely mistaken. I can see lots of loose holes but clever sister is monitoring the situation and I have told my mum not to row with her because she is determined to go and she needs to be on good terms with her to either pick up the pieces or to welcome him into the family if all is well.
My DM has a previous history of being 'very disappointed' in my DN , her grandson coming out as gay. She is hoping against hope it is a phase and he will get a girl pregnant and marry her , I know it sounds mad but it is true ! Perhaps you can see where my dislike for my mum comes from now. I honestly feel as if I cannot do anymore and I am going to step away from them all and leave them to get on with it. I have done my best and I don' think I can do much more tbh , thank you all for replying I am very grateful. I cut and run hurriedly because I had to take my mum to a hospital appt , yes you heard me a hosp appt on a Sunday afternoon , nay Bonfire afternoon !! Every word I have told you is true unfortunately I wish it wasn't .

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 05/11/2017 19:00

Its pretty common in Nigeria (and lots of other developing countries) to marry for personal advancement (dowry/ land/ opportunity) as well as "true love". Lots of Nigerians marry each other with these in mind, so even if this is the case here, that doesn't make it a "scam".

Having said that, Nigerian views on marriage and monogamy are very different to British ones (or at least the ones we espouse, less so what we actually do). If they live apart its quite possible that he'll not expect to have to be sexually monogamous (and likely won't expect it of your cousin either).

Humpsfor20yards · 05/11/2017 19:11

I don't doubt that your mum is a racist pita who blunders in causing offence.

However that doesn't change the fact that your cousin is rushing into marriage with a man she hardly knows.

AstridWhite · 05/11/2017 19:11

So, in summary Barbarian, what you've just said is that it's no huge surprise if a Nigerian man targets a potential wife purely for financial gain and security, they see no shame in that, it's common practice.

And once it's a done deal he will likely be shagging someone else in Nigeria while the wife he lives apart from funds his lifestyle.

And he won't especially give a stuff about who she is sleeping with either, just so long as the money keeps rolling in.

Okaaaay then. Thanks for just clarifying what everyone else was thinking.

isadoradancing123 · 05/11/2017 19:12

Just because her sister is a ward sister it doesn't automatically follow that she is very clever! 99% likely that he is marrying her for passport

Cantspell2 · 05/11/2017 19:21

Surely this is all pie in the sky anyway as if she has no money,no savings and no job she can’t afford a ticket to fly to Nigeria anyway.

Original poster

Mrsmadevans · 05/11/2017 19:31

she had the money from her sister to fly over there with , am thinking clever sister not so clever after all

OP posts:

clippityclock · 05/11/2017 19:31

Please stop saying clever and stupid sister. Its an awful way to talk about people. Her sister is probably average anyway and not super clever!

Its a scam. How on earth is your cousin going to afford to travel back and forth if she is on benefits? You sure she is not getting paid to marry him so he can get a passport??

OfaFrenchmind2 · 05/11/2017 19:36

I would actually call them Dumb and Dumber...

hmmwhatatodo · 05/11/2017 19:46

I’m trying to understand this - so she has a friend who moves to Nigeria and gets to know this man. The friend then think to introduce them to each other despite the fact that they live in different countries ( how did they get introduced? Over the internet I’m assuming?) I can’t imagine thinking that I really must introduce my friend bob in Canada to my friend Amy in China over the internet ( unless of course Bob asked if I had any gullible Chinese friends I might know.....)

Tallulahoola · 05/11/2017 19:47

OP the amount of times you've referred to her sister as clever is kind of weird, you know

Original poster

Mrsmadevans · 05/11/2017 19:55

Ahh right I will tell you why the clever sister /stupid sister came about it is because the 'clever' sister went to a public school (she won a scholarship to it). The whole family were then regaled with tales of the 'clever' sisters prowess at everything . Hence the moniker. It is more of a piss take tbh.

OP posts:

SittingAround1 · 05/11/2017 20:28

mmmwhatatodo yes I think the friend was asked if he could hook up this man with a potential uk wife to take in him and his child.
To be fair you can't really blame him for trying (the future husband). Who doesn't want a better life for their child. Hopefully he's a decent person who despite quite obviously marrying for passport reasons will make the cousin happy.

listsandbudgets · 05/11/2017 20:50

This isn't my advice. This is the advice of the Foreign Office

"British nationals are increasingly being targeted by scam artists operating in West Africa. The scams come in many forms including romance and friendship, business ventures and work or employment opportunities. Scams can pose great financial risk to victims. You should be very cautious about any requests for funds, a job offer, a business venture or a face to face meeting from someone you have been in correspondence with over the internet who lives in West Africa. "

Looks like she should think twice.

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