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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousin Marrying a man from Nigeria

141 replies

Mrsmadevans · 04/11/2017 22:48

I had a message this evening from my cousin who is quite stupid. Not based on this problem but on previous behaviour. She has met the love of her life who comes from Nigeria. I am very sceptical however it is her choice her life and her very clever sister knows all about it and is there for her. My cousin is very upset because my mum , her only auntie left, has been very damning to her, told her he only wants to marry her for a passport etc etc. I am of the mindset that even if she marries him she will have an uphill battle to get him a citizenship here. She was very upset over my mums words to her, my mum can be a tactless evil old cow when she wants to be and I can imagine what she said to her. I feel like this really , it isn't any of our business my mum needs to back off and wish her the best of luck and to stay in touch with her , one to be able to be there to support her if it does go tits up and two if it is genuine mum will want to be involved . I told my cousin not to take any notice to look after herself and to report in with her clever sis often while she was in Nigeria getting married. I am wondering wtf I can say to my mum to make her stfu to my cousin . Any advice please or shall I just say nothing and let them both get on with it?

OP posts:
PaintingByNumbers · 05/11/2017 08:26

I don't know if online scams do rely on people of below average intelligence though, but trusting, naive or vulnerable people, yes. So many you read about had/have good jobs, professional backgrounds, presumably intelligent. My mil is shocking for this kind of thing but she is older, less tech savvy, and very lonely. You believe what you want to, I suppose.

roundaboutthetown · 05/11/2017 08:26

What does your cousin's sister say about it? ie the relative who isn't a desperate idiot? I would get your advice from her!

SadFaceSmiley · 05/11/2017 08:29

Online scams rely on people with below average intelligence and who are trusting

OP's poor neice.

Lots of people, regardless of their cognitive functioning skills, make irrational choices which are driven by their emotions. Dickish thing of you to write.

queenofthebucket · 05/11/2017 08:36

Agree with lionsleepstonight. He will probably expect her to send money over regularly and emotionally pressure her to do this. Lots of people in families from African countries live at a distance from each other and send financial support. If your cousin is happy to give money to this family, suggest she does so without marriage.

PaintingByNumbers · 05/11/2017 08:40

Just been reading about typical profiles of those who fall for online dating scams. Its really interesting.

Margomyhero · 05/11/2017 08:41

It sounds dodgy to me. Your mother is giving her advice. How could anyone sit back and let your niece be taken advantage of?

FluffyWhiteTowels · 05/11/2017 08:43

Does she know if he has other wives?

And she's marrying him in Nigeria? After only spending 2 weeks in person with him. Gosh I would be very worried for my cousin

Dutch1e · 05/11/2017 08:56

Another vote for money-draining scam, whether her fiance is in Nigeria or Texas or London.

Your mum is being unecessarily unkind and needs to be shut down. Are you able to have a gentle word with your cousin to find out how much/little she really knows about this man? Perhaps you can ask the leading questions that she's unable to ask herself.

TheNaze73 · 05/11/2017 08:59

Is his name George?

Ktown · 05/11/2017 09:02

Why is it Dickish?
Some people need protecting. You would let an elderly person with dementia nor a ten year old get involved like this.
If you aren’t very bright you are more likely to be scammed or taken advantage of. See what has happened to some vulnerable people forced into slavary.
I am pretty average and can believe all sorts before thinking things over.

SadFaceSmiley · 05/11/2017 09:20

If you aren’t very bright you are more likely to be scammed or taken advantage of evidence?

Vulnerable people forced in to slavery- do you know of their circumstances? Maybe they need to eat and its better to comply with their abuser. Does vulnerable = less intelligent?

SadFaceSmiley · 05/11/2017 09:22

The OP's cousin may well be making a decision based on their emotions. This person may be making them feel better about themself/thier life so they've been sucked in by the attention from their fiance.

Does that make sense?

Ktown · 05/11/2017 09:26

Of course vulnerable doesn’t mean less intelligent. But it might do in some cases.
If you deny some people aren’t very bright and just leave them to make bad decisions, then that is neglectful.
I am not trying to be nasty here. Her cousin isn’t going to be very smart if she is willing to do this. She needs protecting from herself.
Same as the tramadol women. She isn’t very smart and has got in over her head.

Ktown · 05/11/2017 09:27

And I don’t have evidence. I was making the assumption that teachers and doctors and nurses don’t tend to get scammed.

BeeMyBaby · 05/11/2017 09:27

Is he Muslim? (That would explain wanting to marry after only having met once).
I married a North African who has family members and friends who surf the internet looking for European wives, but that's not to say that they want to do any financial harm to the women, just that they are stating a preference (like perhaps a man who was only willing to date a woman with big boobs). It doesn't mean the marriage will be unsuccessful but one of the attractive features of the women are their passports, they do still have standards though and are not going to choose someone they are not attracted to, so it doesn't mean it will all end in disaster.

AstridWhite · 05/11/2017 09:50

Cousin met him online ....she is 45 but very young in her behaviour , he is 36 and has a 22 month old son over there. It's not good I know but .....

Oh dear. You are right, she really is stupid. I was hoping you were going say she met him here while he was working and they have had a normal relationship over a period of time. But it's clear as the nose on my face that he is been catfishing for a plane ticket, or just a meal ticket.

AstridWhite · 05/11/2017 09:54

The thing is, you can't tell these daft people. Unless she is vulnerable, like has LDs or MH problems, she has to be left alone to make her own mistakes. Trying to reason with her will get your mother nowhere and she'll be labelled as interfering, spiteful and racist.

After gently telling her to be very, very careful all you can all do is stand back and hope for the best. You never know, you might all be pleasantly surprised. I doubt it though.

hmmwhatatodo · 05/11/2017 09:54

Bee, did you meet him over the Internet too,

AstridWhite · 05/11/2017 10:10

He may convince her that they will both live in their respective counties 'for now' so he can raise his child, but then expect financial assistance, as 'we are married now'

That is exactly what I suspect will happen.

greendale17 · 05/11/2017 10:19

It’s none of your mums business that’s what you should tell her!!

So you would be happy if your daughter married some bloke she found on the internet and has spent 2 weeks with????? This has got disaster written all over it!

ThePinkOcelot · 05/11/2017 10:19

I agree with your mum. She’s an absolute idiot!

Crispsheets · 05/11/2017 10:23

It will end in tears.

Wh1stles · 05/11/2017 10:30

some of the responses here! who wouldn't worry about their cousin in these circs.

Can you advise your cousin to test him??? Has he seen her passport is British?

Sprogletsmuvva · 05/11/2017 11:22

What I’m missing here is anything about what the cousin’s own parents have to say about this. One person who is known to be unpleasant and is ‘just’ your aunt can be dismissed, but not those closest to you.

And, it’s entirely possible to be a visa scam even if the reality is that the cousin’s circs would make him/ them ineligible. ‘Streets paved with gold ‘ is still a stereotypical view of GB held by people in many parts of the world - a trifling detail like the obscure details of UK immigration rules would not put paid to this.

Original poster
Mrsmadevans · 05/11/2017 12:18

Ok I have listened to everyone here and thank you for your replies . So she has no money whatsoever she lives on benefits. No savings nothing. She doesn't work she is not well herself so is on sickness payments I would think. I have taken it upon myself to message her sister who is very clever and knows all about it. She has been married before to a man who was mentally ill they divorced but still live together. I don't know how this is going to pan out to be honest . She told me she would move over there if the medical set up was as good as the NHS , make of that what you will. So I await the clever sisters reply , thank you all again for your replies I actually think this is a complete non starter and she may well marry him but he won't get a visa and may well realise this in time and move on or they may live happily for the rest of their lives I so hope that will be the case , will keep you posted but she (clever sis)may not reply for a long time due to working shifts .

OP posts: