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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousin Marrying a man from Nigeria

141 replies

Mrsmadevans · 04/11/2017 22:48

I had a message this evening from my cousin who is quite stupid. Not based on this problem but on previous behaviour. She has met the love of her life who comes from Nigeria. I am very sceptical however it is her choice her life and her very clever sister knows all about it and is there for her. My cousin is very upset because my mum , her only auntie left, has been very damning to her, told her he only wants to marry her for a passport etc etc. I am of the mindset that even if she marries him she will have an uphill battle to get him a citizenship here. She was very upset over my mums words to her, my mum can be a tactless evil old cow when she wants to be and I can imagine what she said to her. I feel like this really , it isn't any of our business my mum needs to back off and wish her the best of luck and to stay in touch with her , one to be able to be there to support her if it does go tits up and two if it is genuine mum will want to be involved . I told my cousin not to take any notice to look after herself and to report in with her clever sis often while she was in Nigeria getting married. I am wondering wtf I can say to my mum to make her stfu to my cousin . Any advice please or shall I just say nothing and let them both get on with it?

OP posts:
Humpsfor20yards · 05/11/2017 13:03

If that's clever, I'm a Nigerian prince.

CleanWaterPlease · 05/11/2017 13:04

Humps - Are you married? GrinWink

PortiaCastis · 05/11/2017 13:06

humps so stop e- mailing me then

Humpsfor20yards · 05/11/2017 13:06
Grin
RebootYourEngine · 05/11/2017 13:07

Even after the last update this sounds dodgy.

He has a 22 month old son, they met 18 months ago, he thinks that he is going to move his job over here. She thinks that she will live in nigeriawhem they have no nhs and she has no job.

Mamabear4180 · 05/11/2017 13:07

Your cousin is in danger regardless where they end up living. Your mum isn't being racist she's worried sick about her niece with really good reason.

JKR123 · 05/11/2017 13:10

Good on your mum for saying something. In her position I would have done the same. How can you stand back and not say anything?

Itsanicehotel · 05/11/2017 13:14

What could possibly go wrong.

BeeMyBaby · 05/11/2017 13:16

Just to say there are ways around the 18k visa requirement. I don't know how he did it exactly, but a guy I know on benefits managed to get his wife over as his carer- it got knocked back on the first go but the appeal process allowed it through (probably about 4 years ago now).
Whoever asked no I did not meet my DH on the internet. I suppose another comparison would be a woman who chooses to marry a man with a good career/ career prospects, its not always only about personality and financial incentives have played a part in many a pairing I'm sure in the uk. It doesn't make the marriages unsuccessful.

Sprogletsmuvva · 05/11/2017 13:27

Well, presuming cousin is compos me ‘‘tis and has no DCs of her own to be caught up, the only possible conclusion is “on your own head be it”.

Be clear that you’re not bailing her out —when— if it goes tits up (she’s 45 not 20), and there’s not much else you can do really.

hmmwhatatodo · 05/11/2017 13:29

Actually bee, I know someone who got a family member over here as a carer (nobody in work). That lasted about 3 years and then the ‘carer’ managed to get married to someone over here and so ended up being able to live here and have children. It’s amazing the things people manage to do to get here!

SittingAround1 · 05/11/2017 13:31

What is his job- is it something specialist that the uk needs or does he work for a multi-national which is willing to transfer him over?

I hope your cousin's family isn't being expected to support him until he finds his feet and runs off
By the way I'm only being cynical due to the incredibly short time they've known each other.

LoveProsecco · 05/11/2017 13:41

Sorry OP but I don’t think your update makes the risk any lower

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/11/2017 13:52

This reads like something out of take a break.

BeeMyBaby · 05/11/2017 13:58

Hmmwhattodo- exactly, some people just know how to work the system. Most people see the regulations at face value and presume stuff like that is just not possible.

Shehz21 · 05/11/2017 13:59

I wonder why so many people here were so quick to jump at the conclusion "he won't get a visa" / "it will take ages to get a visa"..Hmm
I know plenty of DH friends who have sponsored their wives/husbands from other countries and it's just a matter of showing 6 months bank statement which prove that they earn £18,600 a year which i find reasonable... it's not such a big deal as some people are making it out to be. If someone is earning that much, then the rest of the requirements are quite easy to provide.
Well I am just mentioning this as before the OP updated about her niece not working/being on benefits, most posters jumped to the conclusion that automatically he wouldn't get a visa.
There have been a lot of stereotyping as well on this thread which I find shocking.

Shehz21 · 05/11/2017 14:01

@BeeMyBaby Exactly there are in fact lots of ways to get around the 18k visa requirement. People have been assuming a lot on here Hmm

FitBitFanClub · 05/11/2017 14:10

before the OP updated about her niece not working/being on benefits, most posters jumped to the conclusion that automatically he wouldn't get a visa.

No, most said he would be unlikely to get a visa UNLESS she was earning over 18.5K. That proviso was mentioned several times.

This whole thing stinks to high heaven. But yeah, cry "racism" and stand back and watch many more people falling prey to scams.

OfaFrenchmind2 · 05/11/2017 14:17

I think your clever cousin's cleverness is a tad overrated. But in the land of blind people, the one-eyed is king...

hmmwhatatodo · 05/11/2017 14:20

I think lots of people are making assumptions and stereotyping because the op talks about a family member who is ‘a bit stupid ‘ who has got herself involved with some man in Nigeria over the internet who now wants to marry her and come to the Uk. Nigeria is well known for being king of the internet scams!

MarthaArthur · 05/11/2017 14:21

Sorry if i have got the wrong end of the stick but if its a scam marriage thats illegal? You say your cousin admits he may be only after a visa but still wants to go ahead wirh it. Isnt that going along with a scam? That ain't love.

SittingAround1 · 05/11/2017 14:33

There has been lots of stereotyping because the situation fits the stereotypical scam which Nigeria is well known for.

NotTheFordType · 05/11/2017 14:41

You know it's possible for OP's mum to think this reeks of scam AND to be a viper tongued racist old bag, right?

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day, and all that.

Andylion · 05/11/2017 15:44

NotTheFord has it. OP, forget about your mother’s opinion on this as you don’t like or trust her. Listen to all the posters here who are warning you that all is not how it seems.

Is this man going to bring his child? I suspect that not how low your cousin’s income is, he will expect her to send money his family to support his child.

Kpo58 · 05/11/2017 15:54

I doubt the man is bringing the child over. The likelihood is that the child is living with its mother.