To ask if there's such a thing as a 'nice normal family'?

[moutonfou]

Background: my family are close, affluent in theory, my dad has a good job. From the outside we probably look like a 'nice normal family'. But there are issues - bad financial decisions, debt, mental health issues across the piece. Parents would probably have split up long ago but for dad being main breadwinner and mum having no means to go it alone, plus my only sibling has a learning disability, lives at home and has been NEET for 3 years with no sign of that changing, which causes everyone anxiety.

Today DH and I went out to lunch and I saw the family of an old friend who always seemed to be the perfect family. All really close, dad has a solid job in a profession, nice house, kids went to private schools, all now established/successful in professions themselves. The kids are starting to have their own kids, some of whom were there, and they all looked so happy together.

They were all sharing a bottle of wine, which really got to me somehow, because a typical wine scenario for my family would be my dad drinking a bottle of wine to himself and becoming gradually more incoherent, my brother glued to his phone or asking if we can leave, and me and my mum drinking tap water to keep the cost down and trying and failing to involve everybody in a conversation.

I commented that sometimes I get jealous of 'nice normal families' and DH said there's no such thing. There's something you aren't seeing in every family.

I accept that, but surely there must be at least some 'nice, normal families' out there? Maybe there are a few worries/issues there, but essentially they're all close to each other, moderately happy and fulfilled in life, and not too uncomfortable financially?

What scrappy said.

Op, try to reframe your thoughts on this. I don’t believe anyone has a perfect life - I don’t want anyone else’s life, you never know what’s going on behind closed doors. What people put up with for the sake of appearances.

Try to concentrate on the positives of your life, comparisons are odious and you never know what the full picture is if the life you envy.

Trigger Warning.
I grew up in what appeared to be a ‘normal’ family. My parents stayed together and provided for us. We had a nice house, they ran a private language school for students who wanted to learn English. They could afford to send us to private schools.

Behind closed doors, it was very different. My father abused my DSis and me all through our childhoods and allowed others to do the same, including our brother. He’s dead now, thankfully.

But no one knew what was going on. People have said that they were concerned about us being neglected and there were those who thought my father was odd. But no one actually did anything about their concerns; it was a long time ago, tbf.

The point I’m making is that you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Hopefully most ‘normal’ families are what they seem, but the reality is never what you see on the outside.

Mittens.
Exactly no one knows what goes on behind closed doors

I don't like the way the words normal and nice are connected.
Just because you have a normal 2.4 family, with a semi, modest car and have 2 foreign holidays a year doesn't automatically mean youre a "nice happy family".

If anyone saw us out with DH family they wouid probably think we were a " nice normal family" and to a certain extent they would be right (especially compared to my family - who wouldn't all be put together anyway!!)
However, the reason everyone gets on so well is by silent agreement to NEVER discuss certain things and to pretend things haven't happened. Mil is very good at convincing herself things are a certain way and as we do all generally like each other and enjoy spending time together nobody pops the bubble IYSWIM.

Our 'normal' is nice for us.
Both adults work and enjoy on the most part our careers, no ill health, great MIL, we live comfortably (but not extravagantly), DD isn't causing any issues (behaviour wise, yet), we drink well below the govt advice. Have a great bunch of friends and are involved in our local church.
We aren't perfect, we smoke (outside!) and there is NC with a adult sibling which in a perfect world I'd change.

BUT, there also been some long lasting grief due to the loss of a parent within the last 3 years which has affected us and I can see my DP becoming more physically drained with his job.

But on the whole I think people might consider us a 'nice, normal family' without knowing some of the less happy aspects of our existence if that makes sense.

I'm not knocking your perfect family life, hopping.
However surely keeping things bottled up and surpressed is more unhealthy that having the occasional blazing row.
Whether we like it or not anger always comes out somewhere and sometime.

Yes because illness, divorce, addiction and disfunction are so avant garde and exciting.

I agree aww but this is my DH family and it's how they choose to live
There are certain non negotionables for me though which without going into detail I would most certainly NOT allow to be glossed over
Me, DH and the DC don't operate like that, we are very open and discuss most appropriate subjects when it's just us

this is why its best not to ever compare yourself to other people they show you want they want you to see and rightly so.

I dont know a single family without issues.

Doesn't exsist and i think Facebook has only made the matter worse!
Nobody puts posts up about how fed up they are and how sad they are its an endless round of happiness. I just think it is important to be with the people who care about you and who will listen.

I think most people/families have their cross to bear.

Just because we don't know what it is doesn't mean it isn't there.

Some people are fairly oblivious and just see what they expect to see. These are the people that are stunned when a marriage breaks down.

Is it just easier to assume that people aren't actually happy and having a really easy life?

Crumbs isn't a fantasist

Obviously I don't know anything about Crumbs

So, you know nothing about someone but are confident in saying they aren't a fantasist?

Touché! OMG, you totally got her there!!

Crumbs1 can I come live in your village?

I know lots of nice, functional families - so it's not an unreasonable thing to aspire to. By "nice, functional" I mean no divorce, no abuse, everyone supports and is generally kind to one another and enjoys one another's company.

It doesn't mean no problems at all, that's not possible, but more that problems that do arise (e.g. Illness, infertility, child struggling with sexuality) are dealt with in a calm, healthy way that doesn't leave lasting damage.

I think it's a lot down to luck with regard to the mixture of personalities.

@goldenhandshake I think it's the kind of village anyone can live in if you wish hard enough.

Fair point sinceyouask

But I think the point is, none of us know that ANY other poster on this forum isn't a fantasist, and one poster just picking on another poster because she is jealous of her lifestyle isn't really on - as MN have agreed, and deleted the post. Personal attacks aren't allowed on MN. There was nothing about the post that suggested it was a fantasy, and nothing about any of her posts (that I have read) that suggest it either.

I have a nice normal family. Everyone is happy, we have a nice home, no money worries, we rarely argue, there is lots of laughter.
In fact I couldn't be happier.

@backforgood She posted a picture of a hotel bedroom and claimed it was hers. If that's not fantasising, what is?

Its this image of ' perfection' that we are all sold, it isn't real

Create your own happy and that doesn't need to be ' normal'

christian- I agree.

It's a glass half full type of thing.
It's also more to do with good relationships.
I am a carer for my elderly mother. I have two teenagers.
Potential for lots of stress and strife- but there isn't any.

I can't remember the last time there was a cross word in our home.
We all get along brilliantly, it's calm relaxed family atmosphere.

I know some 'normal, happy' families.

But I also know that one of them has an adult son who is tormented by keeping his sexuality secret. Fearing that it will cause a massive rift.

So I think crumbs may be viewing her perfect village through rose tinted spectacles. Because we just don't always know who is unhappy/has a secret/ suffers from chronic pain. etc Things aren't always what they seem.

I do agree with speakout too. To a point, its glass half full. Deciding to focus on what you have and how lucky you are. My ex used to come back from friends houses banging on about how big they were. We lived in a gorgeous house. He will never be content.