To ask if there's such a thing as a 'nice normal family'?

[moutonfou]

Background: my family are close, affluent in theory, my dad has a good job. From the outside we probably look like a 'nice normal family'. But there are issues - bad financial decisions, debt, mental health issues across the piece. Parents would probably have split up long ago but for dad being main breadwinner and mum having no means to go it alone, plus my only sibling has a learning disability, lives at home and has been NEET for 3 years with no sign of that changing, which causes everyone anxiety.

Today DH and I went out to lunch and I saw the family of an old friend who always seemed to be the perfect family. All really close, dad has a solid job in a profession, nice house, kids went to private schools, all now established/successful in professions themselves. The kids are starting to have their own kids, some of whom were there, and they all looked so happy together.

They were all sharing a bottle of wine, which really got to me somehow, because a typical wine scenario for my family would be my dad drinking a bottle of wine to himself and becoming gradually more incoherent, my brother glued to his phone or asking if we can leave, and me and my mum drinking tap water to keep the cost down and trying and failing to involve everybody in a conversation.

I commented that sometimes I get jealous of 'nice normal families' and DH said there's no such thing. There's something you aren't seeing in every family.

I accept that, but surely there must be at least some 'nice, normal families' out there? Maybe there are a few worries/issues there, but essentially they're all close to each other, moderately happy and fulfilled in life, and not too uncomfortable financially?

My immediate family is 'nice and normal ' in most ways but I like to think we're more fun than that phrase suggests.
My extended family, however, is a nightmare and for years, I wished I had a big, jolly family who were always getting together for holidays, meals out and of course, Christmas.
This is a tricky time of year for lots of people and I must admit there are certain women that have I avoided from August onwards because I used to really struggle with the whole
" We have 32 close family coming for Christmas dinner and it's always marvellous and the best fun ever."
I wish I hadn't wasted time on worrying that somehow my children were missing out because I couldn't provide that for them and now I'm just glad that my own small family are together, healthy and happy.

All families have issues, problems and worries...that is what makes a "normal" family

I know some families that are perceived as "perfect" by many, envied even. Scratch the surface and you find alcohol problems, depression, money problems....

Some people are so blind to other people's worries

We're convinced the family two doors down are perfect. The adults are tall and attractive and they have three blonde boys who are always polite, play in the local winning football team, sing in the church choir, are great with our younger kids. Their house looks lovely, the older boys still stand and kiss their mum goodbye in the street when they leave for school. We don't really know them as people but we have great fun projecting the perfect life onto them.

I guess by financially comfortable, I didn't necessarily mean well off, but living in relative security.

E.g. a family with an income of £20,000 could be living in a small, debt-free setup that is well within their means, and have a steady permanent job.

Whereas a successful skilled freelancer (e.g. an IT contractor) could be taking home £80,000 but be mortgaged/indebted to the hilt, have overcommitted on things like cars and school fees, and be living from one job to the next with no security. So relatively speaking they could be said to be less financially comfortable than the household on £20,000.

My parents fall into the latter category and I have definitely made a decision somewhere along the way to stay within the former category. I seek stability and moderation in everything I do, sometimes to the extent that I wonder if it's holding me back.

Mine is nice and normal probally because i spent my teens living in a dysfunctional mess, alcohol, dv, no money we had the lot!

Years later i look back and know why my mum stayed but it was horrible at the time.

My dh is the opposite of my stepfather my dcs are clean, fed and loved ( but can still be little shits at times). We are comfortable and my house is clean and tidy as i can stay home with the toddlers and i currently have my 7m nephew here as his mum is away for the weekend.

Most of my friends are in a similar set up but i think i am more aware of it having lived in a less ideal situation.

No one is the waltons! Everyone has bad days, arguments and has days that they count down to bedtime.

My family is nice..... There are no money worries, no alchoholics, no health, or mental problems. We are very close and loving..... My DH, two boys, and I.

Are we normal? No...... My relationship with my DH would not be considered normal by most. However, it works for us, and that's all that matters

I think most families have a black sheep somewhere along the line or some hiccups.

I did however know one family who did seem perfect. I used to 'escape' there when I was a teenager to stay with my friend because I loved it there. It was so clean and homely and they all got on and were genuinely happy. I always thought she was a bit irritable with her mum though.She was the only child and I envied her.
She died of a brain tumour ten years ago.
They say Comparison is the thief of Joy.

My family look like a perfectly normal family. Dad, Mum, two children, perfect age gaps. Nice home, lovely areas, even abroad at times, nice car, days out, all round the table for dinner every night (terrifying) blah blah blah. My Mum used to attack us daily, my Dad was a big drinker, I provided all child care for my younger sibling from when she was three and I was eight, did most housework too. I was terrified of my Mum and avoided her at all costs.

My own family now is me and two kids with autism, we live in a tiny flat, in a city, and their father is a selfish absent wanker. Yet, my children seek me out, my dd for example is 11 and hasn't left my side all day today, chatting, baking, I rested my eyes fell asleep on the sofa earlier and she made me lunch to wake up to. My 14 year old DS asks if he can walk the dog with me as it's a good time to chat, we watch box sets together and laugh every day.

Yet our family is the one that's viewed as not normal and I am looked down as a single parent and for the way my life looks.

Hmmm. Nice and normal vs. reality.

I live in a village. Middle class. Religious community. All "naice" and ever so normal, lovely lawns.

I married a man who's mother is like Hyacinth Bucket. My family is not textbook "nice and normal" (but it's not that bad either (see next..))

Hyacinth Bucket and the family that leaves the house 'dressed well' looked down on me and my "not their nice and normal". I felt like shite. If felt confused because their "naice" wasn't actually very nice.

Over time, my ex became increasingly psychologically/financially abusive. Utter control nut. I said enough's enough. This was terrifying as no-one says "no thanks" to this clan.

When he would not let me be, I rebelled. I did what you are not supposed to in a little village. I talked to my friends. Guess what. My ex is not so unusual in this naice and normal village.

Also turns out that MIL's husband was on the violent side towards her, and the children. But her cutlery and table spread does look superb. Thanks for encouraging your son to treat me the same...

There are lots of genuine, lovely, happy people out there BUT remember there are a lot keeping up appearances.

They all thought we were jolly happy too... I thought I ought to be too because my Mr. Jeckyll was so loving, but Mr. Hyde kept popping up...

I’m sure my mother would fit nicely into the idyllic village. Naice farmhouse worth a pretty penny. Part of rotary, goes to church, tin rattling etc. Except she has a strange and almost incestuous relationship with her son. He can do no wrong and I can do no right. The threats of violence and actual violence against me according to my mother either wouldn’t happen because he’s not like that.. or when they did, were my fault. Brother 2 years my senior disbelieves my disability and has threatened me and physically hurt me because of it. The grim and disgusting sexual taunts and exposing himself along with his friends when alone in the house, which stretched from when I was a young teen to a young adult not serious.

We really don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.

My family has to buy extra closets for It's skeletons. There's no "normal" just trappings that pass as coping and assumptions made by the observer.
After all. My DH was always as a child told how much he looked like his dad. Except that was his step dad. Many years later. It transpired neither his father or step dad were. His mum a quietly "respectable" teacher and church pianist!

I would prefer a good family dynamic in which all get together and enjoy each other's company and help each other out. And each person is celebrated and has something to bring to the table.

'Nice' and 'normal' would be my nightmare.

I don't think you mean to use the word 'normal', I think you mean stable right?

Anyway to answer your question, the families I know (including my own) are what I would consider stable.

I definitely don't have a normal family although it may look like it from the outside. People would be shocked if they knew what had gone on. At college a friend once said my family reminded her of the brady bunch which is just....ridiculous and believe me, she would soon retract that statement if she had known what was going on behind the facade of what she felt was a 'Perfect' family.
I know someone who acts like everything is perfect in her family but she is her DH'S 3rd wife so she aint fooling anyone that things are lovely and wonderful all the time.

Just remember OP, a lot goes on behind closed doors, you are only seeing a snapshot of what people choose to show you.

Elendon, huh? What you describe IS exactly what is 'nice and normal'.

I'm not sure I (or my husband or beautiful children) are entirely 'normal' but we do have a very loving, happy, stable-ish life. My own childhood however was a complete nightmare! So it is amazing to feel I can provide a happy home for my kids. However, I know life does not stay perfect forever - there will be losses, difficulties, sadness and hard times ahead. That's humanity. That is normal. That's life. I hope we have the love and strength to look after each other through such times. And - I wish for the miracle that we will be the one family that avoids such times. At least a tiny bit though is inevitable. and maybe that's ok(?)

Squeegle - Crumbs isn't a fantasist, and I've reported the poster that made that personal, unfounded attack on her. Obviously I don't know anything about Crumbs, except - as she quite happily posted - she is a bit more wealthy than many of us, and sadly that seems to bring out rather bitter jealousies from some posters. However, her post wasn't rude or braggy or gloating, it was just replying to the OP, as many other have.

I agree with many that being a 'nice, normal family' will depend on your image of what that means. I don't think anyone can think it means nothing sad or bad or disappointing even ever happens, to me, it's more about the way you respond to all of life's ups and downs. So, like many, I think most - not all , but certainly the majority of my extended family and friends would fit into 'nice, normal family'. I know enough about life outsde my social circle to know that it sadly isn't the case for everyone of course.

We have it, my mum and dad are nice and normal and very happy. Me and oh are very happy, my sister and her boyfriend are very happy. DD1 and her boyfriend, very happy. DD2 at uni and very happy.
There are no dramas, we all are very close and loving and doing well.
I live in a lovely village.

Justdont... that's fab and ta really nice to hear when things go well for people. makes me feel I too might get lucky and thins continue to go ok for my family.

But I'm am really niggled by the fact that your username doesn't really fit with the image of a lovely village happ family type (? )

• sorry - ' I am really niggled by' and 'lovely village happy family type'

cat when we first got together we struggled, my username was brought up a fair few times and that's where it came from. Is all good now, peace in our little village. The girls have left obviously cos it was boring as fuck for them!

We have a nice normal family. It's not too rare where we live. However DH and I both have barking mad borderline Jeremy Kyle contestant extended families so I think we've actively aimed to filter out the drama and disfunction. Watch and learn and all that. Slightly begrudging the money I could have made selling stories to closer magazine though

Hope you're ok OP. I wouldn't believe even half of what you see on social media either. That Valencia filter hides a multitude of sins and secrets.

Not normal here. Parents are both horrible and were shit parents to me growing up despite nice middle class facade. Am NC with them. Also NC with eldest sister who is a self centred cow and with one other sister who enables them all! Only see other sister who is also NC with them all.

I sort of assume that most families are nice / normal / happy, and that the dysfunctional ones are the aberration.

Growing up, that certainly appeared to be the case, and when I look around our family friends, and the kids' friends' families, everyone does a jolly good job of appearing happy.

Of course, appearances aren't always as they seem, but even so.

I can really only think of one family where I suspect the couple aren't that compatible, or genuinely happy together.

Thanks everyone for your replies. Yesterdsy we went on a rare family trip to the cinema for my birthday and I actually suggested that we all went for a drink afterwards. My dad instantly protested that he couldn't because he 'had to get back'. What he has to get back for is to drink himself to sleep early enough that he can still drive in the morning.

So he wouldn't come for a drink as a family because he wanted to drink alone. You couldn't make it up!

And I wonder why I get jealous of 'nice' families sharing a bottle of wine, even if they may not be so nice behind closed doors.