To ask if there's such a thing as a 'nice normal family'?

[moutonfou]

Background: my family are close, affluent in theory, my dad has a good job. From the outside we probably look like a 'nice normal family'. But there are issues - bad financial decisions, debt, mental health issues across the piece. Parents would probably have split up long ago but for dad being main breadwinner and mum having no means to go it alone, plus my only sibling has a learning disability, lives at home and has been NEET for 3 years with no sign of that changing, which causes everyone anxiety.

Today DH and I went out to lunch and I saw the family of an old friend who always seemed to be the perfect family. All really close, dad has a solid job in a profession, nice house, kids went to private schools, all now established/successful in professions themselves. The kids are starting to have their own kids, some of whom were there, and they all looked so happy together.

They were all sharing a bottle of wine, which really got to me somehow, because a typical wine scenario for my family would be my dad drinking a bottle of wine to himself and becoming gradually more incoherent, my brother glued to his phone or asking if we can leave, and me and my mum drinking tap water to keep the cost down and trying and failing to involve everybody in a conversation.

I commented that sometimes I get jealous of 'nice normal families' and DH said there's no such thing. There's something you aren't seeing in every family.

I accept that, but surely there must be at least some 'nice, normal families' out there? Maybe there are a few worries/issues there, but essentially they're all close to each other, moderately happy and fulfilled in life, and not too uncomfortable financially?

[Eolian]

Well I'm only talking about my immediate family and dh's immediate family. So us, our parents, our siblings and their husbands/wives. It may be unusual, but the small percentage of unproblematic families do actually exist! There was an alcoholic in my family but he was my great grandfather.

[grimeofthecentury]

Eolian I'd be surprised in a large extended family there is no history of abuse or addiction somewhere. Based on sheer statistics alone.

[Eolian]

I have what I'd describe as a nice, normal family. In fact mine are and my in-laws are too. No skeletons in the cupboard, no divorces or feuds, no narcissists, abuse or addictions, no bug arguments even. Everyone gets on well and is happy to spend time together.

[streetlife70s]

We are a nice normal family. Perfect in fact. If you knew us you’d know a nice, normal family in real life.

( slowly hides restraints behind back. Hopes the smell from the bodies under the patio isn’t noticeable. Chucks empty cans of batter acid consumed for breakfast away sharpish )

[Ilovelampandchair]

Our family is happy, well adjusted, supportive, unjudgemental, no skeletons, no MH issues, good financially, spends time together with zero arguing....clearly that is impossible to believe according to this thread and we're hiding some great horrible secret😂 I will say that we've lost a couple of loved ones but besides that my parents, my sister and I (and our families) are well, absolutely ok in every direction.

[WhooooAmI24601]

I think a lot of what we perceive to be "nice, normal families" is fuelled by the social media revolution that's taken over.

Twenty years ago we didn't have a clue about anyone's lives aside from those in our immediate circle. Now through social media we essentially 'sell' our lives to viewers on the outside, swiping junk off the coffee table so our pictures of the DCs look like we live in a spotless house, filtering the shit out of photos of the dog so nobody can see her gammy eye, re-taking snapchats 57 times til you get one without 7 chins. It's all nonsense. What you see on the outside absolutely is not what goes on inside.

Instead of looking at others 'nice normal lives' I choose to just work on ours. We're happy, we're lucky, we've a lovely home, healthy DCs, jobs we love and a dog with just the one gammy eye. I've learned to stop looking outwards at others lives and focus more on ours. It's helped.

[GabriellaMontez]

I do agree with speakout too. To a point, its glass half full. Deciding to focus on what you have and how lucky you are. My ex used to come back from friends houses banging on about how big they were. We lived in a gorgeous house. He will never be content.

[GabriellaMontez]

I know some 'normal, happy' families.

But I also know that one of them has an adult son who is tormented by keeping his sexuality secret. Fearing that it will cause a massive rift.

So I think crumbs may be viewing her perfect village through rose tinted spectacles. Because we just don't always know who is unhappy/has a secret/ suffers from chronic pain. etc Things aren't always what they seem.

[speakout]

christian- I agree.

It's a glass half full type of thing.
It's also more to do with good relationships.
I am a carer for my elderly mother. I have two teenagers.
Potential for lots of stress and strife- but there isn't any.

I can't remember the last time there was a cross word in our home.
We all get along brilliantly, it's calm relaxed family atmosphere.

[Christinayangstwistedsista]

Its this image of ' perfection' that we are all sold, it isn't real

Create your own happy and that doesn't need to be ' normal'

[SandSnakeofDorne]

@backforgood She posted a picture of a hotel bedroom and claimed it was hers. If that's not fantasising, what is?

[speakout]

I have a nice normal family. Everyone is happy, we have a nice home, no money worries, we rarely argue, there is lots of laughter.
In fact I couldn't be happier.

[BackforGood]

Fair point sinceyouask

But I think the point is, none of us know that ANY other poster on this forum isn't a fantasist, and one poster just picking on another poster because she is jealous of her lifestyle isn't really on - as MN have agreed, and deleted the post. Personal attacks aren't allowed on MN. There was nothing about the post that suggested it was a fantasy, and nothing about any of her posts (that I have read) that suggest it either.

[SandSnakeofDorne]

@goldenhandshake I think it's the kind of village anyone can live in if you wish hard enough.

[ConkerGame]

I know lots of nice, functional families - so it's not an unreasonable thing to aspire to. By "nice, functional" I mean no divorce, no abuse, everyone supports and is generally kind to one another and enjoys one another's company.

It doesn't mean no problems at all, that's not possible, but more that problems that do arise (e.g. Illness, infertility, child struggling with sexuality) are dealt with in a calm, healthy way that doesn't leave lasting damage.

I think it's a lot down to luck with regard to the mixture of personalities.

[Goldenhandshake]

Crumbs1 can I come live in your village?

[Ilovelampandchair]

Touché! OMG, you totally got her there!!

[sinceyouask]

Crumbs isn't a fantasist

Obviously I don't know anything about Crumbs

So, you know nothing about someone but are confident in saying they aren't a fantasist?

[Ilovelampandchair]

Is it just easier to assume that people aren't actually happy and having a really easy life?

[GabriellaMontez]

I think most people/families have their cross to bear.

Just because we don't know what it is doesn't mean it isn't there.

Some people are fairly oblivious and just see what they expect to see. These are the people that are stunned when a marriage breaks down.

[Icecreamlover63]

Doesn't exsist and i think Facebook has only made the matter worse!
Nobody puts posts up about how fed up they are and how sad they are its an endless round of happiness. I just think it is important to be with the people who care about you and who will listen.

[Financialconund]

this is why its best not to ever compare yourself to other people they show you want they want you to see and rightly so.

I dont know a single family without issues.

[Hoppinggreen]

I agree aww but this is my DH family and it's how they choose to live
There are certain non negotionables for me though which without going into detail I would most certainly NOT allow to be glossed over
Me, DH and the DC don't operate like that, we are very open and discuss most appropriate subjects when it's just us

[BarbarianMum]

Yes because illness, divorce, addiction and disfunction are so avant garde and exciting.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

I'm not knocking your perfect family life, hopping.
However surely keeping things bottled up and surpressed is more unhealthy that having the occasional blazing row.
Whether we like it or not anger always comes out somewhere and sometime.