To ask if there's such a thing as a 'nice normal family'?

[moutonfou]

Background: my family are close, affluent in theory, my dad has a good job. From the outside we probably look like a 'nice normal family'. But there are issues - bad financial decisions, debt, mental health issues across the piece. Parents would probably have split up long ago but for dad being main breadwinner and mum having no means to go it alone, plus my only sibling has a learning disability, lives at home and has been NEET for 3 years with no sign of that changing, which causes everyone anxiety.

Today DH and I went out to lunch and I saw the family of an old friend who always seemed to be the perfect family. All really close, dad has a solid job in a profession, nice house, kids went to private schools, all now established/successful in professions themselves. The kids are starting to have their own kids, some of whom were there, and they all looked so happy together.

They were all sharing a bottle of wine, which really got to me somehow, because a typical wine scenario for my family would be my dad drinking a bottle of wine to himself and becoming gradually more incoherent, my brother glued to his phone or asking if we can leave, and me and my mum drinking tap water to keep the cost down and trying and failing to involve everybody in a conversation.

I commented that sometimes I get jealous of 'nice normal families' and DH said there's no such thing. There's something you aren't seeing in every family.

I accept that, but surely there must be at least some 'nice, normal families' out there? Maybe there are a few worries/issues there, but essentially they're all close to each other, moderately happy and fulfilled in life, and not too uncomfortable financially?

[LondonGirl83]

If by 'nice and normal' you mean everyone gets on and no on has MH issues or addictions or is in a precarious financial situation without any divorces then yes, 'nice normal families' exist.

If that has to include everyone in someone's wider extended family then much less so. If you are asking are there any families that go through life without experiencing any kind of hardship whatsoever then, that's far less common.

[RangeTesKopeks]

Sorry

[BoucleJacket]

Crumbs1 - are you actually dropping into a thread, where an OP is seeking reassurance that her family is fairly typical, to point out how your family is ever so superior?

[ssd]

Crumbs's description of village life sounds like hell to me.

At least the Vicar of Dibley was comedy.

[user1492877024]

Not sure why crumbs is getting such a hard time. As for myself, I often get teased that my family are abit like the Walton's. Sorry if that offends some people on here.

[Redinthefacegirl]

I think mine and DHs families are pretty normal (whatever that means). Not Stepford prefect, the occasional functional alcoholic and black sheep, but a close bunch who care about each other. Out dramas are fairly infrequent and not Jeremy Kyle worthy. Any family that looked to "perfect" wouldn't, imho, be normal or nice.

[Ttbb]

There are but they are very rare and they still have their own problems. Everyone has problems.

[corythatwas]

But Boucle, if the OP's family life is unhappy, why would it reassure her to know that other families are also unhappy? When we were struggling with health problems, I did not come on here asking other families to confirm that there was nobody who was not ill or in pain.

[AnnaBay]

I don't understand why Crumbs is getting a hard time either.
Her normal sounds like SIL's and her circle of friends' normal.

[corythatwas]

trying to get my head round this:

me as OP: members of my family suffer from joint pains, please confirm that everybody suffers from joint pains

other poster: no, my family don't suffer from joint pains

other posters piling in: how can you be so mean to the OP?

[Jellykat]

I can't see whats wrong with Crumbs post either.. even though my family could be considered messed up, and i dont know of any 'normal' families around me .. It is what it is, i wouldn't begrudge anyone a Waltons set up.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

What is 'normal', anyway.

[Goldenbear]

I don't get the hostility towards Crumbs either - if I was to describe normal it would be similar. I think dysfunctional is really overated as I get older. I wish so much that my Dad and Mum where still together, to me that would make life much easier and I suppose, 'normal'. When my husband qualified in his profession there was an award ceremony and most of the people qualifying were in their thirties. We attended on our own but a friend of my DH'S had brought his wife and parents to the ceremony. Afterwards we went out for a meal in central London and the friend's parents adopted us for the night and paid for the meal. I was actually very envious of what my DH's friend had - normal family who enjoyed each others company and had a great affection for one another.

[KarateKitten]

lol at the people who think 'nice normal family' = dull and boring. How rediculous.

[CheerfulMuddler]

Depends how you define it.

If you mean, are there families who like each other, enjoy spending time with each other, are warm, clean, fed, financially stable, comfort and support each other, are capable of having a nice night out enjoying each others' company and can deal with conflict in a more-or-less civilised fashion? Then yes, those families exist.

If you mean, are there families who have never experienced bereavement, infidelity, mental health problems, physical health problems, special needs, stress, unhappiness, addiction, secrets, arguments, money worries, cruelty and poor choices, then no, probably not. Because that stuff - in some shape or form - is life.

Being a functional family isn't about not having shit happen. It's about dealing with it and remaining - or rebuilding - a loving, cohesive whole.

[corythatwas]

Fair enough if this is Crumb's general profile, but what she posted on this thread wasn't really a very astounding fairy story: just that most people she knows get on reasonably well and have reasonably settled lives. And they happen to live in villages- again not an uncommon thing. All right, so it may not be true, but it's not something that is going to be out of everybody else's range of experience either.

The OP's criteria for a "normal" family were "Maybe there are a few worries/issues there, but essentially they're all close to each other, moderately happy and fulfilled in life, and not too uncomfortable financially?" So not a wildly implausible fairy-tale, just families who muddle along and are fond of each other. I could easily think of a dozen families I know well who would fall into this category.

[AnnaBay]

I do know of Crumbs and the outlandish tales of designer dresses, travel overseas for teens, opulent houses etc but the post tonight really isn't that out there for him/her.
As I said in my earlier post, that SIL's life right there in Crumbs post.
In fact, add a boat and weekends sailing with her IL's, successful DH and 4 privately educated children. That's an average, non eventful weekend for them. For my family, it would be a once off treat.
It may not be everyone's nice and normal but it's certainly normal for some.
In this case, I'm not getting the whole "oh lay off it Crumbs". If anything he/she has toned it down.

[Mrsknackered]

I don't know many 'nice and normal' family units.

The ones that I do, took a long time to get there. Failed IVF's, abusive ex's, that kind of thing.

Guess it depends on your version of normal. My family is so far from normal, some of them are awful people but some of them are wonderful. I have an attachment issue with my grandma that I need to address!

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

Don’t get me wrong. I like Crumbs’ odd little fantasy life. There is something tremendously comforting to know that I can click on to this week’s Christmas Eve thread and there, like clockwork, will be Crumbs’ heartwarming tale of how her whole village comes to her house and eats AGA-cooked live donkey every Dec 24th

Crumbs is like a glorious amalgam of Hyacinth Bucket, Jilly Cooper, and Midsomer Murders. I love all those things. I hope Crumbs never stops telling stories (which, unless your knowledge of very rich very country people is gained entirely from 1970s Jilly books and 1990s Midsomer, is actually not very realistic - but who cares, it’s great fun!). Every time I imagine her skulking in the bushes off the road trying to surreptitiously snap a photo of some random period house I literally Laugh Out Loud.

What is NOT fun, not AT ALL is reading an OP that’s very clearly deeply personal and talking about pretty upsetting stuff, and instead of trying to reach out and help, taking the opportunity to brag about something that’s not real.

There is a Time and a Place and this isn’t it. Crumbs usually has better judgement than this.

[Mrsknackered]

HoldMeCloser donkey on the 24th - made me chuckle!

I do remember once Crumbs saying her 4 adult children walk around the house naked with both her and her DH and they all have their own separate wings. Sounds lovely. But I don't think that is considered 'normal' to most.

[HoldMeCloserTonyDanza]

Excuse you, she has SIX children, each more perfect than the last. Did you forget the twins?

(why do they always have to have twins?)

[EleanorXx]

Depends on what you mean by normal. Nobody's life is perfect and everyone has struggles. Families may seem perfect from the outside but it could be a very different inside the house.

[OrchidDelight]

That was funny reading about Crumbs. Anyway, I’d say out of my friends and family about 50% are normal by the OP’s definition. Sadly this doesn’t include my immediate family! Basically, we all (all the adults anyway) hate each other but are dependant on each other. If we weren’t I think we’d just see each other at Christmas’s and the odd birthday. Which would be fine with me!

I only know one sickeningly happy family. The couple are perfectly happy together, love their jobs, earn quite a lot doing 9-5, have lovely DC who they find easy to parent, £10-15k on holidays a year, both say they love their lives.

Most of the ‘not normal’ people I know actually look very normal from the outside, for example couples who are very well off and appear to have the perfect life together but actually have big problems with infidelity.

[parklives]

I’ve not come across crumbs before...but reading her/his post I did think she/he obviously doesn’t get invited to the swingers parties her neighbours host!