To ask if there's such a thing as a 'nice normal family'?

[moutonfou]

Background: my family are close, affluent in theory, my dad has a good job. From the outside we probably look like a 'nice normal family'. But there are issues - bad financial decisions, debt, mental health issues across the piece. Parents would probably have split up long ago but for dad being main breadwinner and mum having no means to go it alone, plus my only sibling has a learning disability, lives at home and has been NEET for 3 years with no sign of that changing, which causes everyone anxiety.

Today DH and I went out to lunch and I saw the family of an old friend who always seemed to be the perfect family. All really close, dad has a solid job in a profession, nice house, kids went to private schools, all now established/successful in professions themselves. The kids are starting to have their own kids, some of whom were there, and they all looked so happy together.

They were all sharing a bottle of wine, which really got to me somehow, because a typical wine scenario for my family would be my dad drinking a bottle of wine to himself and becoming gradually more incoherent, my brother glued to his phone or asking if we can leave, and me and my mum drinking tap water to keep the cost down and trying and failing to involve everybody in a conversation.

I commented that sometimes I get jealous of 'nice normal families' and DH said there's no such thing. There's something you aren't seeing in every family.

I accept that, but surely there must be at least some 'nice, normal families' out there? Maybe there are a few worries/issues there, but essentially they're all close to each other, moderately happy and fulfilled in life, and not too uncomfortable financially?

It's subjective I suppose. One man's meat is another's poison... I think we're a nice normal family but you'd probably think we're all nuts!!

We love each other and do each other's heads in at the same time! Have less dollar than we'd like, know less about politics than we should and never, ever get our 5 a day. But we're super happy and are always laughing (usually at how hopeless we are. No matter how many trips to town we do... we always forget something. We suck).

There's no such thing as normal. If there was though, I definitely wouldn't be it.

RE: "super happy" comment, we really are but I've just read the rest of the thread and I don't mean to brag. What I mean is we all have our flaws (we really do have ours) but we accept them and we're happy anyway.

You don't have to be nice and normal to love each other and be happy. Hell... I think it helps if you've seen the worst in each other. We certainly have.

I think there are stresses and tensions in every family, but that doesn't mean they are all dysfunctional.

I had no idea about Crumbs posting history, but when I read her post I thought it does sound a bit like the village we live in!

Dh comes from a dysfunctional family. I come from what seems like a "normal" family but in fact my dad has had severe MH issues over the years.

Dh and I are happily married and live a comfortable life. However, ds1 had MH issues whilst in 6th form and we had a very stressful period. That is all now resolved and things are good.

I really don't think there's any such thing as a "normal" family but there are families which function well and there are those that don't. And quite often we can't tell from the outside which is which

Yeah I don't think you can ever really know. My family looks pretty ideal from the outside - wealthy parents in good fulfilling jobs, nice house that they live in together, adult kids high achieving and happy, grandchildren on the scene, all good.

What people who know us don't see is that parents are polyamorous and have numerous relationships outside the family unit, which their inability to deal with appropriately has massively strained things. Dad has an anger problem and adult kids keep parents at arms length because they can be so dysfunctional.

That doesn't stop my mum showing off adoring pictures of the grandchildren around at work but it certainly doesn't show the whole picture. Only a small handful of people very close to us know about their other relationships.

It has taken me a long time to realise it's okay to talk about how dysfunctional my 'perfect' family can be. Growing up we definitely learnt not to air dirty laundry in public.

So we would be that multi-generational family having a lovely dinner with wine out somewhere, but it would be superficial and there would be a lot going on under the surface.

I think they exist, but are the lucky few. There is a social media vibe of “look at how perfect we are”, when it’s not necessarily the case, folks showing you what they want you to see.

With Christmas coming, when you see perfect families in adverts, trying to sell us perfection, remember that they have never met before, they’re actors - it’s not real.

We don't even look like a normal family on the outside

We live as a nice, normal, happy family at home. Oh's family are the same. My family are, all but one, struggling significantly. I think I ran away.

Live in a small village which from the outside has loads of normal families within it. As I live here longer, I find every family has a skeleton: unexpected bereavements with massive repercussions, marital discord and depression, unemployment that brings the family to the edge, etc etc. Normal is having problems imo. Life is full of problems and mistakes and mess. Doesn't mean your mum should have to live with a miserable insolvent alcoholic though, poor woman.

I know what you mean. When we were younger we used to go to my granny my mums side house for big family gatherings and then to my grandads my dad's side for smaller bbq and I loved it as you say normal family. We used to even go to a pub with my grandad for birthdays and it was lovely. Then we got older and my mum and dad stopped going to family gatherings. My brother and sister have not spoken in 14 years now due to him being a nasty piece of work when we were kids but I had chosen to ignore that. I now never see my brother. My sister lives miles away, my mum died and my dad just does what's best for himself and sod the rest of us.

I have 4 children and what a nice normal family for them but have no idea how to achieve it.

RangeTesKopek Tone it down?
The OP was asking whether normal families existed and I sought to provide reassurance that they do. I wasn’t hostile, I wasn’t rude.
I understand others live different lives but that does not make mine less valid. We could all post that we lived the worst life ever and there was no hope of enduring marriage, nice children or trustworthy friends but that would be a very biased and quite inaccurate perception, wouldn’t it?
But this question wasn’t about me. It was about whether nice normal families exist. Yes, we have a female vicar and yes, it has similarities to Dibley but we quite like that.

So I live in a village where if you look around in both real life and social media you would think everyone has perfect lives. However the dysfunctional is hidden - the family members they don't mention, the level of debt to maintain a lifestyle, the affairs, the alcoholism, the long term unemployment, the mental issues - it's all there under a veil of respectability. So what looks like a nice 'normal' family is anything but - it's just we all have different ways of showing it - some people sweep it under the carpet and others display it for all the world to see.
My family has had it's fair share of issues despite being outwardly respectable and you just have accept the 'normal' that is your family and deal with as best you can and acknowledge that what you see in others is just a surface glimpse.

Neither dh nor I are blessed with “normal” families. It’s a lonely place to be. And sad. I don’t have siblings or in laws to bother about me. I don’t have to worry about whether or not I will like the present they give me because I don’t get any. NC with sil and brother since earlier this year but they still hardly bothered about us. Dh is an only and his father I’m 99% convinced is undiagnosed autistic. My mother is a narcissist and I’m the scapegoat, brother golden boy. Mil and my dad deceased.

As for people in my acquaintance and friends. I honestly think scratch below the surface and nothing is ever “normal”. Just because it’s not “normal”, it doesn’t have to be bad. It can be quirky or eccentric. I do know a couple of really really loving and caring families where the parents are pure love for their children. But i do wonder if they’re too far and rather suffocating for the children.

So that just leaves dh, dd and me. We are very very very normal .

Hmm, I'd describe my family as nice. Though maybe not normal! Mother; highly religious, very loving, though shockingly critical at times. dad; soft as, though swears and drinks heavily and doesn't "do" visitors or socialising. He's also a staunch atheist. Believe it or not they never row. Seriously. They and my brother all get along, and love each other despite our huge political and religious differences. I feel lucky when I look at my other half's family. His mother is a textbook narcissist and when they fall out they can go a year or more no contact.

I think the uk is full of nice families. Normal or not.
It is what makes things turn well.
I have close friends and they are all from nice families.
Everyone has blips of course.
The key is emotional intelligence and finding a decent person who isn’t selfish. That is really tricky!

my family is so horrendously dysfunctional, and im so lucky to have married somebody from genuinely "normal" family. Theyre faintly boring - no razzmatazz EVER - but ill happily take that over drunken rows, nasty emails and all the skulduggery that is part of my family's narrative.

Whatever it is, it's not us. Divorced parents on both sides, feckless fathers, DH now non contact with siblings, I have a mother who is hard work. Extended family also have divorces, sibling and PIL tension, bankruptcy. Having said that there are groups within the families who rub along ok and enough to facilitate Christmas gatherings to a point.

Reading this thread and thinking about our friends and their families, perhaps some element of dysfunction is the 'normal'?

I live in an affluent village in the SE and I find the “community” a little oppressive - lots of elderly watching what you’re doing, reproaching me for “leaving for work very early” - I think women who work are regarded as moral lepers round here, hardly any of them do. If that’s normal I’ll take being weird any day!

I think it's important for people to know that 'nice normal families' as per this threads definition DO exist. And it's worth striving for for your own nuclear family and family that follows, even if you weren't lucky enough to have that growing up.

I couldn't imagine anyone in our family, extended or otherwise, being disrespectful or unsupportive. My cousins are all well adjusted and happy and we have all chosen partners that are respectful and supportive. We all tend to be quite strict as parents, and my parents generation were always very involved in the church (both my grandfathers were vicars). We have lots of family gatherings and everyone is very proud of everyone else's achievements. All sibling sets are very close to each other. I've never heard of a single dispute or falling out though I'm sure all the couples have had their own private 'moments' there's never been a sharp word between anyone that has been visible. If anyone is arguing, it's never noticeable as they've (parents, aunts and uncles, us) all been raised to be respectful and not do cold shoulder stuff.

I've never in my life seen an argument or ununified moment between my parents, even when I know one is being annoying the other doesn't even roll their eyes.

I could call any aunt or uncle or cousin and show up on their doorstep for the night with no notice and would be spoiled.

A lot of these things are not the norm, and are even actively advised against on mumsnet but if people are wondering what makes a happy and supportive family, this is what is at the heart of mine. Respect, holding your tongue, open homes and pride in each other.

I would love to be in a normal family. Mine has never been that - my home life was always treading on eggshells with bipolar father and appeasing mother. My own little family which I had hoped for so much from hasn’t worked out that simple either. It makes me sad 😔

I would say that both DH and I come from a ‘nice normal family’ when you look at our immediate families - financially and emotionally stable, both sets of parents still married, no serious mental health or addiction issues (although my brother was bullied at school and I think that had a long lasting impact on his self esteem). Things get a little a lot weirder when you consider the wider family (grandparents, cousins etc). My mum in particular had a somewhat dysfunctional childhood and did a great job of overcoming it and building her own family unit.

Mine are nice, but with an eccentric streak a mile wide

The most "nice, normal" family I know (on the outside) actually suffer from toe curling levels of dysfunction. You won't see that on the carefully curated social media posts mind

Hugs to everyone on this thread who is struggling

I grew up with an extended, reconstituted family when most of my friends had a 2.4 children, Daddy worked, Mummy was a housewife or had a nice little part time job type set up, so we definitely weren't a "normal" family. I felt less not "normal" as a teenager when friends' parents got divorced. There's definitely some oddball characters in my family, and the serious baggage is historical, but those of us left who can happily stay in a room together are quite low drama, easy people who deal with things like bereavement in a civilised way. Some family members have split off, but are perfectly functional about getting through life, but have spilt off to manage their baggage.

DH's family bemuses me. They come from a large family so tend to just deal with their core family rather than cousins etc. They're all pleasant, successful, (seem to be) happily married, have two children each (even to the point of brothers having two sons and the sisters having a daughter then a son! I was tempted to have a third child just to break my part of this harmonious pattern but just couldn't face the reality of a third pair of shoes to deal with in the morning ). DF was a self employed workaholic but they seemed to manage that fairly healthily. There is some luck of circumstances, plenty of healthy choices and a low drama approach to life. I do find them abnormally normal

Life is going to cause complications at some point (unless you're the one with a shock early death that you don't have to deal with ) Sometimes life's curveballs happen in flurries with calm phases in between, sometimes it's more spread. It's how you deal with it and function around it that's more important.

The only people who seem normal are those that we don’t know very well.

Everyone has their own special idiosyncrasies, everyone has their problems and secrets. IME no family is perfect or “normal”.