To feel like I'm about to have a breakdown unless...

[Sweetlikechocolate300]

...I get some rest and time to myself?

Honestly not exaggerating when I say, I haven't had a day off work (mon to fri) for 4 years, and neither have I had a night away from the kids or even a day out for 4 years.

I'm bloody exhausted. Actually I lie -the only time I had time away from work and the kids in 4 years is when I was admitted to hospital 4 times in 2 months earlier this year for a string of infections and illnesses which they put down to me being run down.

I don't think I can do this anymore. I need at least one day to myself or a night away. Also time off work - it's my own business so easier said than done.

Don't get me wrong, I do get a bit of time at the weekend - I have suffered with fatigue since my illnesses and need a nap on at least one of the weekend days, if not both.

During the week I generally go to bed as soon as the kids are in bed - 7pm.

Tonight I'm having a glass of wine and feeling like a crazy martyr. I need to make some changes and don't even know where to start.

Help!

Did you not read the bloody thread believeit? Ops not working all the hours, she's working 8 hours a day but then coming straight home to constant childcare because her dh thinks the 5 hours a day he is in sole charge of the kids is him completely done.,and for the self employed annual leave doesn't really exist.

Op it strikes me £4K household costs are quite high. It may be impossible in your part of the country but can you reduce rent and other costs as well as the £1k food (which is frankly nonsense for 2 adults and 2 toddlers and I'm a big spender on food 😳)

It might reduce one pressure a little.

Oh and yeah get him out, although be prepared for a fight when he realises his meal ticket is gone

1k for food is ridiculous. Yes he is the problem it has nothing to do with him being a Sahp and you being the one working and everything I do with him

Op I'm in a different situation but juggling alot of balls etc and around 5 months ago I cracked. I knew if I didn't get help I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown (I had one years ago so I know the signs). Because it didn't feel like depression, and the only way I could describe it was being totally overwhelmed, I struggled with how i would convey to the gp what the problem was. I felt like saying 'I'm overwhelmed' wasn't exactly going to warrant medical attention!

Anyway I went to gp and told her and she did prescribe anti depressants even though I wouldn't say I was depressed (have had depression several times). I took them anyway and it's made a world of difference.

I think you've got more issues than would be sorted by just taking tablets but perhaps getting something and getting yourself on a more even keel will enable you to get the head space to tackle the practical stuff.

It sounds like your dh resents being a sahd and you're getting the brunt of that when you get back. I was guilty of that with my dh when my dc were small and i was on maternity leave. But he is going to have to acknowledge that you can't go from high stress at work and straight into being handed the dc at home. You must get something to yourself too. As pp said if it goes to shit because you're not looking after yourself then you'll potentially lose the business / income anyway so by not addressing it you're actually risking the one thing that you think you're avoiding by not addressing it iyswim?

You def need to sit and have a proper talk with him, it will be an effort but not doing it is draining you, at least it gives him a chance to sort things out if you are planning on eventually leaving him any way. To be honest though if you are going to bed at 7 every day when do you spend any time together, he is probably not happy either - or if he is then he is definitely a cocklodger.

Can you arrange it so that twice a week you start later and finish later so you get a bit of a morning to yourself when your DH is doing his job - sahd.
If he says why can’t you get up with them then just remind him you have a full day at work to do still, he doesn’t and that’s his job.

Also, instead of taking holidays in week long bulk, can you take days off here and there, just odd days so you get a refresher and don’t stress about catching up on too much work?

Haven't RTFT, but if the DCs are in nursery for a few hours a day, why does DH a) need a break when you get home and b) need "a few long weekends away"?

It sounds like you're always either working or with the kids. Is there a possibility that you have a DH problem?

Could their grandparents step in to give you a break?

He sounds utterly grim. So glad you have had some clarity and are making some positive steps to change things. There is no reason why a healthy adult cannot pull their weight. His time is up. Tell him he's fired OP and look forward to a better life.

Your H talks about feeling stressed and needing support with the kids occasionally but sulks if you talk about your stress and needing support.
I find his unwillingness to help you selfish and hurtful.
Talk to your GP and your Mum. Put a short term plan together with your Mum. She helps out a few evenings , has the kids for a sleepover one night. This will give you time to think and work out a longer term plan.
Reread what you have written only and not the comments. You’ll see a true picture of what is happening with your husband.

You also need to keep fit and healthy. It will sort out your energy levels no end

Look at it from the other side. If you were a sahm and your husband worked full time would you have the same expectations of him as he has of you? If not, something needs to change.

I think that when the husband stays at home it is easy for the wife to retain a lot of the responsibility so he effectively becomes a babysitter rather than a genuine home manager. You do all the jobs you did before but you just have to fit the. Into the the when you are not at work. I did this with my DH at first but it was also because I wasn't delegating to him. Once we discussed it, things massively improved.

You need to sit down and discuss this calmly with him.

Good to bed crazy early can get addictive and leave you feeling you need more sleep. Maybe try going to bed an hour later, but that hour is you time. Bath, reading, exercise, whatever you want to do.

How are you doing op

OP could you rearrange your work so that you work later 4 days a week with a proper decent lunch break so you can switch off, with clear guidelines for your dh around any expectations when you get home . Then one day a week you stay at home to look after the dc (possibly have a break or work from home for some of the 3 hour nursery time) and suggest your dh uses this day to start job searching because going forward you both need to be bringing income into the home and both having the opportunity for quality time with the children and supporting each other to have breaks? I know a few couples where they both work 4 days and each have a day each week where they are the sahp with childminders etc for other 3 days this seems like a quite good system.

He can’t dictate that he will only work if you give him a lump sum. That’s not how life works.

Your DH sounds totally useless, why does he need to wait for the DC to go to nursery to put a wash on or go to the supermarket? That's ridiculous, unless the DC are going to nursery for social benefits I'd cut that cost down and 1000 on food a month!! That's obscene for a family of our size.

Is it just a total waste of space or has he some kind of disability that means he can't function normally.

Either get rid of him or make him stick to a budget for food which would mean you could work fewer hours.

Personally it sounds like you'd be better off without him then you'd get some time off.

The issue here is that you have no scheduled time in for you, thats what you need to change. Whether that is one day every other weekend, or one weekend per month, you need to have downtime. Book a hotel somewhere, kiss the kids goodbye, tell your DH youll see him sunday night, love you, and GO. Phone off.

He needs to see you adding yourself to the list of family priorities or he'll never volunteer to do it.

He seems to have a pretty easy life right now at your expense.
I'd also think long and hard about the fact he sulks hard at anything that isnt exactly what he wants - was he a bit of a toyboy originally maybe?

I had quite a nice time today, but hard to switch off. That's what I need to work on.

I had coffee with my DM in town, then had a haircut and a look round the shops.

I am going to work very few hours over the next week or so. My business will suffer but I realise I have to do it otherwise I'll crack.

DH seems to understand and he told me to stay overnight in a hotel at some point in the next few days.

So, all in all not too bad a start. Being out and having time to myself made me see how much I have missed it, but will take a while to get used to.

I didn't manage to get a GP appointment but will try again next week (they only dish out same day apps and it's first come first served).

I don't think your DH is the issue actually. The way you work isn't conducive to having a family life. I am self-employed. I started when DCs were little - I was a single parent, at that time working 4 days per week, with local authority. So self-employed bit was occasional. I desperately wanted it to be the bulk of what I did. But it could not be. Do you know why?

I had little children and needed a regular income with regular sensible hours that would fit around them. So I put my dream on hold. When the eldest was 15 or so, I picked up where I'd left off

I will likely be flamed for saying this but - sometimes you CAN'T have it all. There is no Superwoman Gene. You are working in a way which means no days off at all, you are knackered, when you are with your DCs your eyes are likely dropping too. Doesn't sound like quality time.

Your DH is a SAHP. Yes it sounds as if he wants some time off - but why shouldn't he? You want time off too, don't you? You both have rights in this. He is doing his share of parenting and that's why you can work as you do.

Do you want him to do evening/weekend childcare as well, to facilitate your long hours? It sounds like it. That's neither logical nor fair, however

To be honest if you're going to continue the way you are your DH may as well get a job and the DCs go to nursery. You can both contribute towards that. Also if you're both working you can employ a babysitting service so you get some quality time together, as well as quality time with the DCs both jointly, and separately/take turns

You're a workaholic as you want to build your business at all costs. You don't have a boss insisting you work long hours. It's you.

Family life isn't fitting in with that and nor are your tiredness and stress levels so your best bet is to be sensible, and adapt.

After all if you lose your health your self-employment will go down the pan anyway, won't it?

She doesn't work long hours though.

Not a day off in years and that's 'not long hours?' ok then....

Sorry I take long hours to mean per day. She works eight hours per day.

Ahh. Now I just feel like shit. I'm pretty low and sensitive right now so I won't come back to this thread as any more negative comments will upset me too much.

I will work on my life with the help of a therapist. I made my choices because I felt them path I chose was the right one. I didn't know things would end up this way. Sometimes when you're right in the middle of a situation you can't see it for how it actually is. Meaning it's just been getting worse and I didn't see until I get to the verge of a breakdown.

If I had to give up my business I would. Hopefully I can find a way to get a good balance without going down that road but if I have to I will.

Thanks for all the helpful advice in this thread

Op (I hope you come back) you need to address the situation with your DH.

1. I agree that after a day of looking after young children I like a break when my DP comes in and I do washing and things but we share it 50/50 so we both get a break. My Dp goes out on nights out and so do I. We work together as a team, if I’m stressed he helps, if he’s stressed I help.
2. Surely the whole point of having a SAHP is to save on nursery costs? If you’re paying for nursery then you should both be working.
3. How much better would your life be if you left your husband? The financial pressure wouldn’t be as much as you wouldn’t be paying for nursery. The pressure of him being a twat wouldn’t be as much either. He would have to find work and you could probably get 50/50 care of the children. Maybe think about that as a solution? Even just as a trail to see how things work? Maybe he wouldn’t feel so hard done by if he saw how things actually are ffs.
4. And this is the most important one. If he’s allowed weekends away so are you. Tell him you are having a spa weekend and you’ll see him on Monday. You deserve time.

Maybe your DP doesn’t see how much you do kr doesn’t realise. You could try to sit him down and explain you’re going to spend a long time in a bloody hospital for a breakdown if he doesn’t step up and then you won’t be making money or helping him have time off. I think you may have a cocklodger.

I hope that's not because of me. I didnt mean it s a criticism but some thing isn't right. Please continue to try to get a GP appointment and look after yourself

Hello OP, hope you're doing ok and have enjoyed your day off. One day at a time...