To feel like I'm about to have a breakdown unless...

[Sweetlikechocolate300]

...I get some rest and time to myself?

Honestly not exaggerating when I say, I haven't had a day off work (mon to fri) for 4 years, and neither have I had a night away from the kids or even a day out for 4 years.

I'm bloody exhausted. Actually I lie -the only time I had time away from work and the kids in 4 years is when I was admitted to hospital 4 times in 2 months earlier this year for a string of infections and illnesses which they put down to me being run down.

I don't think I can do this anymore. I need at least one day to myself or a night away. Also time off work - it's my own business so easier said than done.

Don't get me wrong, I do get a bit of time at the weekend - I have suffered with fatigue since my illnesses and need a nap on at least one of the weekend days, if not both.

During the week I generally go to bed as soon as the kids are in bed - 7pm.

Tonight I'm having a glass of wine and feeling like a crazy martyr. I need to make some changes and don't even know where to start.

Help!

Stealth - what do you mean when you said you'd sulk in his position?

Haha yeah I'm a total slavedriver to myself... maybe I need to learn how to switch off. Hard when everything is riding on me earning making a success of it.

Having an oh who works constantly and constantly looking after small children.
Not sure if I'd realised they go to nursery (both or just the 3yo?) at that point

What would happen if you cut back? What would the consequences be?
How much are you sleeping at night?

I'm a bit confused. Your dh is the SAHP, you are working, taking no holidays, the dc are in child care daily. And you get no time?

What does your dh do when the children are in childcare? FWIW, I see nothing wrong with SAHP using some childcare to help strike a balance for the family as a whole. To study, have some down time etc. But why is he off shopping when you get home?

I don't work constantly though - just 8 hours a day Monday to Friday. The rest of the time I am with my children.

Yes they're both at nursery. Eldest is off to school in September.

You need to redress the balance

And him sulking is awful

So if you work 8hours and go to bed at 7you mistget up early? Can you work different hours and get some time while the children are at nursery

Buy you do work constantly. You work a full day in your business and then come home to continue working as the main caregiver so that your dh can relax/switch off/ pop to the shops/ fart arse about.

I'm in a building phase of the business - I have work rent to pay, employees, business rates, etc. Total is about 7k a month to cover my work related costs.

Home costs are about 4k a month (nursery, food, rent, etc).

If I cut back there's a chance I won't cover work and home costs therefore essentially making a loss.

At the moment I'm doing enough (sales related) to cover everything plus a bit of a safety net too.

I was hoping to cut back on work / take on a new employee in the near future, it just hasn't happened quite yet.

I am lucky that I suffer with insomnia on and off too so sleep is sketchy but I get 6+ hours on a very good night.

Life actually isn't all that bad apart from this overwhelming feeling of stress and I'm pretty exhausted and wrung out too.

OK. I'd suggest a visit to the gp. Beg grandparents to have the dc for a weekend and relax and then start doing some thinking.

Seriously, WTF is your DH doing with himself? There’s absolutely no reason why you should be taking on so much and he so little.

I do need to make some changes, I just don't know where to start.

I do feel resentful that DH isn't pulling his weight (maybe he is, I'm too tired to trust my own judgement these days).

If I knew what to do to change things I would start tomorrow!

I guess I could start work late occasionally as a starting point.

Sorry Stealth, just want to ask you to clarify again - do I sound depressed or something? I want to go to my gp but not sure what I'd say to him. Again just wouldn't know where to start. Am I stressed, depressed, or do I just need to get a better balance with me / work / DH?

So what does your dh do when the kids are in nursery every day? Surely thats his time for popping to the shops/ having time for himself?? Or am I missing something important here.

If the only household income is on your shoulders then collectively you need to make sure that you are healthy enough to keep the show on the road long term. He has a duty to make sure you aren’t being dragged under by any extra duties at home which it certainly sounds like you are.

For the GP:

1. Long term insomnia isn’t a great sign.
2. Being hospitalised like you were also isn’t great.

Someone needs to help you unlock the fact that you must start addressing this imbalance before you get seriously sick.

I know th feeling of 'too tired to trust own judgement'.

So as another poster says, beg grandparents or someone else to have children for the weekend.
Then do whatever you need in order to rest. Whether that's go away to a hotel by yourself and sleep, or stay home.

The fact you've been hospitalised several times this year should be a bloody big warning bell for your DH - if he so much as sniffs at your plan to get some rest, remind him of that.

Remember the airplane mantra: parents travelling with small children should apply their own oxygen mask first. Or as they say in Buddhism: you can't look after others (children) if you don't look after yourself.

Good luck!

I do feel resentful that DH isn't pulling his weight (maybe he is, I'm too tired to trust my own judgement these days)

He’s not pulling his weight.

What do you do on weekends? Why haven't you taken a holiday?

It does sound like the only thing stopping you having any r&r is you.

He has about 3 hours, in which time he puts a washing load on, cleans up breakfast stuff, tidied away toys, goes to supermarket (he does this every day), makes himself lunch - the time just seems to go.

You need a Come To Jesus meeting about responsibilities (mutual).

SAHP of small people is no picnic, but you shouldn't be allowing your mother/wife guilt to dictate that you get no time off to yourself at all.

If you have a breakdown, who will pay the bills? Your health is paramount.

Neither your DC or your DH will suffer if you take some time to yourself. If he sulks because he's not enjoying being the SAHP then talk together about resolving that.

he puts a washing load on, cleans up breakfast stuff, tidied away toys, goes to supermarket (he does this every day), makes himself lunch

Unless you live an hour’s drive from the supermarket then there’s no way that takes 3 hours. Plus, he could take the kids to the supermarket after nursery. Plus, why on earth would anyone go to the supermarket every day?

Yes a GP visit sounds like a good place to start to be honest.

I know I can't carry on like this. I am utterly and completely drained of all energy, emotion and strength. I have to have a break and also need to figure out how to change this life I'm living.

who gos to the supermarket every day?

Giving him the benefit of the doubt it sounds like he's not coping either in his role.
Both of you are miserable. Something has to change.