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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I'm about to have a breakdown unless...

149 replies

Sweetlikechocolate300 · 02/11/2017 21:40

...I get some rest and time to myself?

Honestly not exaggerating when I say, I haven't had a day off work (mon to fri) for 4 years, and neither have I had a night away from the kids or even a day out for 4 years.

I'm bloody exhausted. Actually I lie -the only time I had time away from work and the kids in 4 years is when I was admitted to hospital 4 times in 2 months earlier this year for a string of infections and illnesses which they put down to me being run down.

I don't think I can do this anymore. I need at least one day to myself or a night away. Also time off work - it's my own business so easier said than done.

Don't get me wrong, I do get a bit of time at the weekend - I have suffered with fatigue since my illnesses and need a nap on at least one of the weekend days, if not both.

During the week I generally go to bed as soon as the kids are in bed - 7pm.

Tonight I'm having a glass of wine and feeling like a crazy martyr. I need to make some changes and don't even know where to start.

Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetlikechocolate300 · 02/11/2017 22:43

Afrikat - maybe I'm not giving him enough credit, or maybe I'm not describing the full picture. Day to day he doesn't seem that bad, but overall it looks terrible.

The facts are:

he doesn't want to work

He wants to sahp but not full time as he gets stressed / bored

He's not organised so things that take 1 hour takes him 3 hours

He says he wants to help me at work but in reality whenever I let him try he alienates people and makes mistakes

When he sees me exhausted and stressed he says I should take time out, but as soon as I leave the room he gets all stressed with the dcs which I believe is his way of making sure I don't take breaks

He doesn't want to work for someone again but says he would set up his own business in the future but I'd need to fund him (basically take a chunk of money from my business which I couldn't afford to do, but it's the only way he'd agree to work)

Realistically I'm not going to stay with him forever, but at the moment I'm not well enough / strong enough to end things.

OP posts:
40andFat · 02/11/2017 22:45

Listen they won’t be 2 and 3 forever things will get easier. I work PT and am home 2 days and seriously time does just go looking after little kids is draining too. I think you are both pulling your weight but both being martyrs. You need to sit down and agree on downtime. So if he wants his after you come home from work. You want yours on a weekend morning maybe a lie in or an hour or two to go the gym and get a coffee. Ask your DM for one night a month so you both can go out together. Take control compromise.

One thing that was weird though why 4 years if your kids are 2 and 3 what kept you so busy before?

puddleduckmummy · 02/11/2017 22:45

It doesn’t sound healthy what you have going on, you could end up seriously ill and then your business and family will suffer. You have to take care of yourself and your DP sounds quite unhelpful in that respect. It’s easier said than done but he needs to pull more weight than he currently is. It sounds like you are ‘bringing home the bacon’ and being expected to run the house. Please look after yourself OP

roundaboutthetown · 02/11/2017 22:53

What did your dp do before he became a sahp, sweetlikechocolate? Was he any good at it? Does he have dyspraxia, or aspergers or something, with his slapdash ways, inefficiency, slowness and tendency to wind people up? Or has he become like this over time through loss of confidence in his own abilities?

CakesRUs · 02/11/2017 22:54

That’s a lot of pressure on your shoulders. I’d take the sulking, it’d make you having a lie in quieter. He needs to help you have a break on the evening or more at the weekend. You’re gonna burn yourself out.

afrikat · 02/11/2017 22:55

It sounds like you're running on empty and something has to give. You are doing amazingly to keep on going but you need a break, and soon. Could you go to a hotel for a night so your DH doesn't have the luxury of having you in the next room? It's not going to fix anything long term but would at least give you a tiny bit of respite.
Basically your husband is getting to live a pretty easy life where he picks and chooses what he's willing to do whilst you're working yourself into the ground. It's not fair and you need some rest, then to work out an exit strategy

FritzDonovan · 02/11/2017 22:57

He's not organised so things that take 1 hour takes him 3 hours
I wouldn't hold this against him. Im a sahp with some seasonal work, not completely happy not working the rest of the time but nothing fits atm. I hate doing the endless housework crap that no-one notices or appreciates, so it takes a lot of motivation and more time on average even though i know if i apply myself i can do it faster. More tiring that way though.
I did raise my eyebrows at you taking over the kids when home, and him having loads of weekends away though. Doesnt sound too bad (for him) to me.

Hateloggingin · 02/11/2017 22:59

You sound how I felt 4 months ago, different issues but same end result. I had a breakdown :(

See your gp, maybe counselling for you and your dh (although he sounds an arse). Tell your family how you're feeling and see if they can take some want off your shoulders for a while x

Hateloggingin · 02/11/2017 23:00

Want = weight!

Scoobyloo11 · 02/11/2017 23:14

SweetLikeChocolate - You absolutely must look after yourself - it's not "lucky" you have insomnia, it's a sign that you're not coping.

Your DH sounds like mine. I won't harp on about my situation again. Just to say, he's also home the most and doesn't pull his weight - but truly thinks he does.

As well as MN, I've used the Relate message a counsellor email service. I'd recommend it - v helpful response which made me feel more secure in what I felt.

Q - what would you advise a friend in your position to do?

Good luck - take care. Flowers

stella23 · 02/11/2017 23:17

Your 2 year old, why does she go to nursery? You are working more hours to pay for nursery, if you cut nursery could you cut some hours

cherish123 · 02/11/2017 23:18

Why is DH stressed?

Tatiannatomasina · 02/11/2017 23:35

You are running on fumes and if you go down so does the whole ship. I think you need to sit him down, tell him that this is not working for you and what does he suggest to make things better for everyone. If he wont engage you have your answer. I would lay my cards on the table and tell him he either ups his game or its the end. Make an escape plan and start working towards being totally self sufficient. You only need him for childcare, after that he is just a noose round your neck.

butterfly56 · 02/11/2017 23:42

Stress is a killer
Chronic Stress will cause Cortisol levels to rise and stay raised which leads to Insomnia, immune system compromised and body cannot fight infections/illness.
The fact that your H is behaving like an idiot is a major problem which is probably the biggest factor in all this.

You need to do something drastic to change how you are taking care of yourself first and foremost or you will end up not being able to function at all.

butterfly56 · 02/11/2017 23:44

Totally agree with Tatianna ^^

endofthelinefinally · 02/11/2017 23:53

Your H is a SAHP.
Your dc do not need to be going to nursery. You could be saving a chunk of money right there.
He should be doing an on line shop once a week.
Weekend childcare should be shared.
He sounds awful.
You will get seriously ill if this carries on.

scrabbler3 · 02/11/2017 23:55

People who are successful SAHPs are those who've made a positive decision to be one and regard it as a vocation, not those who can't be bothered to work and think staying at home is a piece of cake.

Your DP is getting a lot of down-time during the day plus weekends away and time off in the evenings. He's taking you for a ride, and he plans to do it for the duration of their school life too. You'd be better off with a childminder.

Talk to your mum, she may offer moral and practical support. And definitely speak to the GP about the insomnia.

junebirthdaygirl · 03/11/2017 00:04

Most men coming home to a sahp do not take over and dw walks out. Ok of course you need to row in but thats ridiculous.
Could you come home some days an hour later and stop off at a coffee shop and read a magazine and chill. And get one morning at weekend to yourself.

Bunnychopz · 03/11/2017 00:17

Firstssly speak to DH and ask why he gets stressed every time you say your exhausted and need a break.

Also tell your mum everything. How you get no break. Ask her to put her time into supporting you rather then him

Bunnychopz · 03/11/2017 00:18

Also blood tests. Iron b12 vitamin D

Appuskidu · 03/11/2017 00:24

Your H sounds a lazy selfish arse!

RemainOptimistic · 03/11/2017 00:27

OP you have employees yet not a trusted assistant manager who could run the show in your absence?

Are you sure you're not at work to avoid being around the DH who makes you feel like you're treading on egg shells?

And why is DM doing childcare during the day when you're not there instead of supporting you to have time to rest?

Please take control, I feel pissed off ans sad on your behalf. This is not sustainable.

FreddieFazzbear · 03/11/2017 00:43

Sounds like you definitely have a dh problem.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 03/11/2017 00:50

Stop being a martyr and take one fucking day off.

Biscuitrules · 03/11/2017 00:51

OP, I feel very sorry for you.

Just wanted to say I have been where you are a few times with work-related stress and no let up, and it does drag one into fatigue / depression / inability to cope with life. However once you get out of this roller coaster it will get better and you will be the old you again.

So please really do prioritise the good advice about looking after yourself. You sound very competent and the kind of person who puts your own needs last but you need to be selfish now.

I have two different experiences of recovery from extreme work related stress and exhaustion which may be relevant. The first two times it took a number of months of plenty of sleep and rest, still working full time but doing less, before I felt back to normal. Recently I managed to recognise the symptoms early and consciously took a complete break for a whole weekend and then a couple of evenings, and within 10 days was a new person. The amazing thing was that suddenly all the stuff at work that I had been struggling to cope with at work before became easy, as I could see the wood for the trees and had more energy. So stepping back can let you achieve more in the long term.

Don't make any big decisions yet, just look after yourself and get back on an even keel first. And don't ask permission to have time off, just state you are doing it.

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