To feel like I'm about to have a breakdown unless...

[Sweetlikechocolate300]

...I get some rest and time to myself?

Honestly not exaggerating when I say, I haven't had a day off work (mon to fri) for 4 years, and neither have I had a night away from the kids or even a day out for 4 years.

I'm bloody exhausted. Actually I lie -the only time I had time away from work and the kids in 4 years is when I was admitted to hospital 4 times in 2 months earlier this year for a string of infections and illnesses which they put down to me being run down.

I don't think I can do this anymore. I need at least one day to myself or a night away. Also time off work - it's my own business so easier said than done.

Don't get me wrong, I do get a bit of time at the weekend - I have suffered with fatigue since my illnesses and need a nap on at least one of the weekend days, if not both.

During the week I generally go to bed as soon as the kids are in bed - 7pm.

Tonight I'm having a glass of wine and feeling like a crazy martyr. I need to make some changes and don't even know where to start.

Help!

How long is DH planning to be a sahp? Will things change when the kids start school?
You need to have a break when you get in from work, and to expect you to arrive and instantly take over childcare is not reasonable. You've got a DH problem there!
I've been a sahp parent at times, and it's bloody hard work with young children, but its unfair to expect a partner who works outside the home to move seamlessly to childcare mode as soon as they walk through the door.
Your health is clearly suffering - bed at 7pm is not normal.
How are things between you and DH? It doesn't sound as though you get any 'time off' together? Could you afford to get some regular help with childcare so that you can have a break together? Even if it was just an hour or two on a couple of evenings a week - you needn't go out or do anything fancy, but perhaps just having some 'down time' together would help you to feel better?

What line of work are you in?DH's sulking does sound a bit petulant

He should be doing an on line shop once a week.
Two sides to every story. The more often you are in the shop, the more likely you are to pick up the reduced food which is not advertised on online shopping sites. Might not be relevant here, but you can't judge someone as disorganized if this is their reason for shopping most days. OP didn't specify. Of course, if this were the case I'd not be wasting money on having v young kids in nursery for no good reason. Even when i only worked pt, nursery hours only overlapped to give me one free hour a week. Im at a loss as to why OPs dh needs them in nursery at all.

Bloody hell, he's giving SAHPs a bad name.
I am a SAHP of a toddler, DP works full time outside the home. All down time is shared completely equally because we both respect each other's roles in the family.
DS will be starting nursery two mornings a week soon, the idea being that I get a break during the weekdays so DP can have more of a break in evenings/weekends. I'm not sure why your partner can't give you a break after having three hours every day to himself? Actually I am sure - he's a chancer and his behaviour will end up making you ill

He knows I'm on the verge of becoming very ill indeed, mentally and physically. So he has no choice but to step up, although it will be just enough to mean I don't drop down there and then and can continue for another day.

I will sort this situation out - I don't want to go to an early grave because of work / him.

I'm going to start with a day off tomorrow (today). Will call my GP, then will do something nice for myself. Not sure what.

Long term he won't change. In fact he's just getting worse. The easier his life becomes the more he takes for granted. Hard to give too much detail without outing myself, but he does have it very, very comfortable - much more so than before he had me to support him. Which would be fine if it wasn't to my extreme detriment.

He doesn't save money getting deals grocery shopping - he spends about 1k a month there and complains it's not enough. Again, I can't question him.

Hes already complaining about having to do 2 school runs next year as they'll be finishing school / nursery at different times.

My life is sad. The future is being a single parent. Probably better for me in the long run.

I'll look into getting someone who can take the load off me at work also.

Life is sad because I have 2 wonderful children who I'm too tired to enjoy.

They have a father who needs to put more effort into looking after them / me but can't quite be bothered enough.

Op I had two with and age gap of less than a year. I can't offer advice on time to yourself but just wanted to say you are so nearly there for it getting easier! Soon both will be in nursery at least 15 hours dh will get a break and be less stressed which will filter down to you and at this ages they'll become much more independent playing together. Hang in there you sound like you're doing amazing! If you can afford it I would get a babysitter once a month and gonout with dh for a meal or something. It's ok giving each other time off but you sound like you need time together! Good luck op x x.

You really need to get a grip. You have minimized his role to a place of extinction and talk of getting rid of him. I have done both, and jesus going to work with 3 small people at home was the easy option. No-one can make you feel the way you do, you are in total control of how you feel yourself, stop tossing statements out - i.e. it's this persons' fault, those kids, that useless husband', take a bit of responsibility for yourself. It doesn't mean you have to leave him. These are the hard years, maybe make a plan when they turn 5 and 6, in school, that he has then that aim to get himself back into the workplace. If the roles were reversed you have have a whole different bunch of comments on here.

OP - you're up in the middle of the night. Please try to get some sleep if you can.

Please call the nursery and see if you can go on a waiting list for a full-time place (presuming it's wraparound care) and check that the new school has after-school care. You need to be able to stop relying on him for childcare if you're going to leave him.

He's spending a lot of money per week given that the kids are probably out of nappies and don't need formula. That can be offset against childcare costs.

You're going to have a breakdown if you don't face this head-on..

Good luck..

I haven't minimised his role at all. I am telling it as it is. He had / has a choice. I didn't. Someone needs to provide for my dcs and it has to be me because he refuses. As a result of that I'm stressed, depressed, exhausted and yes - resentful.

I now will take time off because it's do or die.

I have not referred to my dcs as 'those kids' so not sure why you said I did.

Enceladus she's already said he never intends to return to work, even when both kids are in school, and he's fully aware of the stress she is under to provide for them all.

@enceladus - having a SAHP only works if both sides feel they get a good deal and are partners. This woman has had no time off in 5 years (!!!) and comes home to look after the house and kids while her husband swans off. He finds it stressful but doesn't want to change things as he likes having no obligations to an employer/family etc. I'm not surprised!

@sweetlikechocolate300 - If he's finding childcare difficult and unfulfilling, something needs to change as there's nothing worse than a parent who clearly isn't engaged in the role of looking after the kids.

However I would say that 3 hours a day at nursery is very little indeed once you drop and collect. That's really just enough to do a basic clean and shop.

Chocolate you sound so stressed. I've felt like that, but the crucial difference is that my husband supports me. You deserve that too. You don't have to put up with this, it's terribly detrimental to you. I sincerely hope you take some time off to yourself to think about this stuff.

You are important. You are worthy of self care and consideration. You deserve some enjoyment from life.

If you do break up with him you would actually get more time to yourself as he would presumably have them every other weekend and one night a week or whatever ever arrangement you come to.

He sounds utterly self absorbed and selfish.

Supermarket shopping every day is ridiculous. Start by sorting that. Do a meal plan and an online shop. With him. Don't just do it yourself.

While at the GP get some bloods done for Vit B and D and iron levels. Get yourself a good multivitamin anyway.

Do you actually Iike him? Love him? It sounds like you have three children really. He won't work, doesn't really look after the children, doesn't run the house, messes up if he does anything to do with your business, faffs about at the supermarket every day spending your hard earned money, gets defensive if you say anything, doesn't support you, doesn't care that you have been ill. What exactly does he bring to the table?

I would say get yourself an assistant. And if something has to give to part pay for this, give your dh the choice between budgeting at the supermarket or reducing nursery hours. Perhaps both. He’s working against you. And bullying you.

Eat before you come home a couple of times a week even if it’s fast food. It won’t hurt if you eat well the rest of the time. And make sure it’s after the kids have eaten so you’re not taking that on. As soon as you get in go to bed. And your dds can come in the bedroom and give you a hug, maybe read a book to them. But you’ll be able to rest and sleep.

I have ME moderately severely and can’t work. You’re going to burn yourself out and get chronic fatigue or ME if you’re not careful. Then you will have to stop because your body won’t be able to produce the energy required anymore.

And book yourself into a hotel for a couple of nights. How about this weekend? You can slob around and do nothing. It will do you plenty of good.

I hope you do go to the GP, OP. I was where you are. I ended up having a nervous breakdown and it wasn't pleasant. I wish I didn't let it get that far but felt I had to keep going. Book yourself into a hotel or go to your mums for a few days. Don't worry about whether to tell gp if your stressed or depressed - they will help you figure it out. Ask for something to help you sleep in the short term. Please come back and update us. Take care of yourself so you can be confident in any decisions you make regarding DP / work etc.

He spends 1k a month?!
So basically you're over working to allow him to spend spend spend.
You can easily fit back but you also have to control the finances. He obviously can't be trusted with it.
I think in the end you're working too much for no reason at all.

I'm playing devils advocate here but an sahm who was struggling would get th e following advice:
He should be taking over when he comes in so you can rest.
When he comes in hand the dc to him and go out for a few hours.
All you've managed to do is hoover? Blimey you sound like superwoman! If everyone is fed and no one is dead by the end of the day you're doing ok

Op I can see you're really struggling but if you don't mind me saying we're not seeing your Dhs views here. Could your stress, tiredness and resentment mean you're not being 100% fair about his side of things?
You may be totally right and he's a user but I don't know and I do worry that you're both just struggling in different ways.

Seriously OP? Not a single redeeming feature comes across about your OH. Have you read back what you've written? This will be your life for the foreseeable future and your resentment will build as you get more and more worn Down. Its ok for him to choose not to go back to work? But you have no choice in anything. So you're going to have a full time cocklodger. I was a single parent and got rid of a useless ex who couldnt/ wouldn't pull his weight. It is so much easier!! Plus people did help more as before they assume you are sharing the load with your OH ( sadly not the case). Good luck OP hope you kick him to the kerb i really do

This is the saddest post I have read in a long time, because I can fully empathise with it, and it is absolutely fixable. It does not need to be this way.

1. you must take a break. Without your health nothing else is going to happen. You haven't said what your business is but you need to either contact clients personally to let the, know you are having a week of annual leave. During this time off you go to the doctor, you are utterly honest about everything and you keep an open mind about trying some medication to get you over the crisis. My husband used sleeping tablets for a short period,

2. hire a temp or use one of those remote assistant services.

3. the home stuff. This has to get sorted too. Husband needs to a) commit to being able to contribute financially and b) have a weekly plan of chores ( online shop etc etc).

This is only the beginning stuff, to get you in a place where you can see the wood for trees and start to recover.

I am so sorry you are in this headspace, it's awful - I've been there but with the luxury of time off ( annual leave) and without being hospitalised. You poor love.

It's fixable, but your health comes first, it has to, it's not negotiable.

I’m glad you’re taking some time off today, OP.

OP I feel for you. And I agree that you definitely have a massive DH problem. You need to decide if you want to try to save your marriage and what you want for yourself going forward. Being a single parent is NOT the worst thing that could happen and then at least your DH would be legally required to give you a break.

BUT...... I also think you’re being a massive martyr here. Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission. You are letting your DH manipulate and control you and you seem well aware of that fact. I know you are tired but when it comes down to it only you can make changes at this point.

And I don’t think one day off or a night in a hotel is going to change a thing. Sleep actually isn’t something you catch up on. And your stress and anxiety will follow you wherever you go. You are mentally and physically exhausted, and if you don’t change your lifestyle permanently you aren’t going to be able to provide for your family at all. If you don’t trust your DH to step up in that event; you will all be in big trouble. You need to find a way to get downtime on a regular basis, a little every day or every week, or whatever you need. Don’t fool yourself that you’re doing your family any favors the way things are going right now.

To start, I think you need counseling to learn how to manage your stress levels and figure out how to stand up to DH. All the time off in the world won’t help you if your brain can’t “turn off.” CBT can be very helpful in that regard. As far as your DH, you need to either leave him or have a massive come to Jesus moment. Only you can make either of those happen. If you know for sure you don’t want to stay with him long term, do everyone a favor and leave now. There’s no reason to waste a minute of your life with someone you don’t love or respect. Your kids will be fine if you manage it right.

Good luck. Please keep us posted. I am rooting for you!

I have to say, having read enough SAHM stories on here I wonder if you’re martyring yourself a bit.

No one tells you not to take annual leave. And what sort of conversation have you had with dh about work? He might be scared about returning and feel he lacks the skills as you see with many SAHMs who’ve been out of the job market.

You need to take back some control over your working life. And you need to have an open and honest conversation with your dh. And listen to him too. He’s looking after your dcs. If you didn’t have him, you wouldn’t be able to work all hours anyway so why are you now?

have you thought about a change is as good as a rest.

not necessarily time off for yourself?
what would you do?

but a break away, all of you - as a family, even if for a weekend.