To think parents could cough up

[homesickforuk]

I earn 40k and my parents earn 6 figures.

The whole family live in different countries. This year they've decided we'll go to my sisters country (Austria) for Christmas. She lives in a small flat so they found a (posh) hotel and just sent me and my brother links saying "get booking guys!"

Its no problem for me to pay but i just felt a spark of annoyance.

Although they earn good money they never helped us out the way i see other peoples parents helping them out (no help through university, no help with deposit or anything all of us kids just rent etc etc etc).

I dont expect that stuff but i would have thought if you were bookig this hotel you could just whack an extra 2 bedrooms on for me and my brother, no? I mean we have to buy flights etc anyway. Us kids are late 20s early 30s btw.

AIBU?

homesick I am in some ways in a similar position than you.
My parents help. A lot tbh.
But I wouldn’t expect them to pay in a situation like yours.

So what would have happened is them booking, me saying ‘hmmm that’s a bit too expensice for me. I’ll book xxx’ and then they would (more often than not) go ‘hold on! That would be a shame not to be in the same hotel. I’ll book a room for you. It will be nicer and easier to see each other etc...’
If they weren’t, then I wouod just go ahead and book my own hotel.

It isn’t the consensus viewpoint but I agree with you OP.

I don’t think anyone is entitled to anything from parents etc. BUT my parents do earn a lot more than me, and DH and I together earn more than my sister and her DH (only because they are 6 years younger than us and are more junior as a result in their careers).

When we plan a family trip we’d pay for flights but parents would typically pay for hotels etc. Along the lines of they are booking a room, would add on two more for the kids.

Similarly when my sister came to visit us from the US and we went to Europe together she paid for flights but we paid for hotels and everything else. (She took us out for a fancy meal).

We are very lucky in that the money doesn’t mean we’d not be able to afford our mortgage or something like that. It just feels generous, and is something we can afford. And in general I’d sort of expect older people earning more to pay a bit more. As the eldest this typically means me - so if a cousin is visiting i’d pay if I took them out to dinner etc.

Anyway! First world problems, hope you have a lovely Christmas.

We’ve just had a similar thing over the summer, Mum booked very posh hotel and booked us all in (my family and my brothers). We hadn’t realised we were paying for it until we got there (especially as she paid for DBs). Didn’t really matter as we could afford it but it grated that we hadn’t had a say in where and we’re just expected to go somewhere she wanted, and pay for that.

In hindsight I would find somewhere else yourself that you don’t mind paying for or don’t go. You’ll resent it otherwise.

Parents may want to retire, may not have great pension schemes, may want to have money aside for elder care. Getting older is very expensive. Care costs a lot.

ButchyRestingFace It certainly isn't normal for any of those professions when you have only potentail been in you position for less than 4 years.

I will totally help my children with education and to get a foot on the housing ladder. I’m lucky enough to earn reasonable money - why wouldn’t I support the children I’ve been fortunate to have?

If I were your parents I’d fork out for the room and the flights OP.

zebedebe

My issue is not with the parents who chose to be generous to their children or anybody who choses to be generous to their wider family. That's fine.

My issue is with the feeling from some people that they are have a right to expect their parents to pay for them/give them large sums of money because they have decided their parents can afford it. And if they don't get it, they view it as a failing on their parents part- their parents are "mean" or "tight". That is so abhorrent to me.

All these people saying they'd help their kids with housing deposits, have you actually got financial plans in place to achieve that? It's not easy even fir good earners who are looking to wind down their careers and retire.

I don't think you a BU. I don't get why you wouldn't want to share, be generous, with your kids. And if you're still renting, you can't really afford it no problem. I'd just tell them, sounds lovely, but I can't afford that and either don't go or stay some place else.

For my generation even if you had the grades going to university was still not something than was expected or easily done. Around 10% of my generation went to uni then when now it it something like 48%.
I know plenty of 20 to 25 year olds as I have children in this age bracket. Many of them are or have been to uni. None of them earn anywhere near £40k or expect to within the next 10 years and I am in the SE where wages tend to be good and you have access to the London job market.
My youngest has just entered the job market after choosing not to go to uni. For many of the apprentership he applied for he was up against uni graduates who even with a decent degree lacked experience and so were applying for apprentership store try to get a foot in the door.
A degree doesn't mean employers are going to pay you an above average wage.

Parents may want to retire, may not have great pension schemes, may want to have money aside for elder care.

Fine. Financial worries aside, it's still rather rude of them to decide where their adult children are going to spend Christmas! Especially when they choose a hotel in another country?

What are you going to do, OP. If you suck it up and say nothing, this situation will probably continue to occur and at some point, you may not wish to or may not be in a position to fork out. I would say something now before it gets to the, 'but we always spend Xmas together in a hotel. You've never minded us choosing what everyone does before...'

Appuskidu if you read back the op has alreadynstateted that this was all discussed and agreed upon. It is not a case of the parents deciding this is what is happening and everyone else has to go along with it.
The ops whole issue was that as the parents had booked the hotel why had they not booked and paid for her and her brother at the same time as they earn more than them.

For me the problem would be that you say they have decided to go to your sisters, as they seem to have made the decision without consulting you and have therefore basically expected you to incur the cost without having a say. I would point out that they’ve done this without asking if you can afford it.

i must have a really low paid group of friends. Half of us (not me or dh though) went to uni and none of us earn 40k a year. We have teachers, school support staff, computer people, childcare workers, business nhs staff, police, university staff, a draughtsman, a soldier and others with various job descriptions. I would describe us as a normal group of friends, we all own our own homes (with mortgages) and 7out of 12 have degrees. I’m shocked at people thinking we low incomes tbh (maybe it’s becasue when I look a lot are paid by the government, in the private sector maybe these jobs would pay more?)

Op, If you don’t want to go I’d tell your parents you can’t afford it and see what they suggest. If you do want to go, you will have to suck it up and pay. We have had financial help from my parents who I know could afford to give more help, but choose not too, it’s their money, their choice. But it does grate on me a bit that we have recently had to take out a loan for some work when they’ve just received a massive inheritance. If it were my dc, I’d like to think I’d have helped them out, with rising care costs I doubt inheritance will even be a thing for ‘normal’ income families in the future.

Just because they earn whatever amount, doesnt mean they can afford to pay for you and your brother too. Maybe they have debts you dont know about etc.

Youve said the amount is no problem for you though but you seem to have a big issue that your parents wont pay for you and havent given you money for Uni etc. Why should they though? This is their time now to enjoy their money and their life. They have brought up children and probably had their own hard times. Now they have their own lives to live before they get too old to enjoy their money any more.

Just because other people you know have had their parents give them money doesnt mean yours should have. Like I said, they may have or had debts that you may not know about.

£40,000 sure isn't normal for a teacher, for instance. And certainly not late twenties/early thirties.

We've a 22yo grad on 32k. She graduated this summer.

Private, huge company. Not teaching!

Surely if he who pays the piper calls the tune, the obverse is true? That he who calls the tune pays the piper?
I don't think the OP is being unreasonable at all - if someone is going to insist on staying at an expensive place they should be the one bankrolling it. I'd be telling them the expensive place wasn't going to happen, unless they felt like paying for it, frankly.
It's having the choice made for you, along with the costs? Everything else is irrelevant.

And this: I find people who have an eye on their parents' money for themselves very crass. has to be one of the meanest and least relevant interpretations possible. Way to spin it around to your apparent bugbear, children expecting an inheritance. Irrelevant.

I can’t speak for anyone else 2014 but yes I have.

What DID they pay for

No help with uni at all? Surely they had to if your grant was assessed on their very high income?
Car? Driving lessons? Decent holidays even as a late teen?

What about generous gifts at uni - laptops etc? All your books bought?

I ask because if they literally did NOTHING for you after you were 16 then I’d definitely be raising an eyebrow - as they sound horribly mean and tight

Then not financially helping you might have pushed you to be self sufficient and not lean in them, independent and capable.

Them choosing to help you now would be a nice thing to do. If you can’t afford it or it irks you that they’ve assumed on this, then tell them.

If you don't want to spend the money then don't go, that's fine and entirely your prerogative.

However if you want to go either book a cheaper room, or pay for the one reserved for you. Stop freeloading.

I dont think theres anything wrong in wishing your parents who could afford it, treated you once in a while, especially Christmas.

They sounds mean and selfish. I guess they are of the baby boomer generation?

You could always go but don’t take any presents as you presumably can’t afford those as well as flights and hotel... or find an alternative hotel.

I can see why it’s annoying but it’s really for you to decide what you want to do - nothing stopping you making alternative arrangements with friends/ other family members.

Tbh I think they’re being rather self absorbed - it’s a bit like people getting married in the Caribbean and expecting everyone to pay to go out there...