To think parents could cough up

[homesickforuk]

I earn 40k and my parents earn 6 figures.

The whole family live in different countries. This year they've decided we'll go to my sisters country (Austria) for Christmas. She lives in a small flat so they found a (posh) hotel and just sent me and my brother links saying "get booking guys!"

Its no problem for me to pay but i just felt a spark of annoyance.

Although they earn good money they never helped us out the way i see other peoples parents helping them out (no help through university, no help with deposit or anything all of us kids just rent etc etc etc).

I dont expect that stuff but i would have thought if you were bookig this hotel you could just whack an extra 2 bedrooms on for me and my brother, no? I mean we have to buy flights etc anyway. Us kids are late 20s early 30s btw.

AIBU?

I think the issue here is that they have selected the hotel and it is more their budget than yours. Yet they expect you to stay there as well. And while you maybe can afford it, if it is a stretch and it's not how you would choose to spend your spare cash then it is an imposition

If it was me I would reply and say - 'this is a bit on the dear side for us. We will look for somethign cheaper/an Airbnb nearby

Then if they want to contribute the difference so you are staying together, that's up to them

"It's no problem for me to pay"

So pay!

I actually don't think you are being unreasonable. I think what most people are missing is that your parents have (without consultant) decided that the family christmas will be spent somewhere which costs you money. And then assumed you will pay to stay where they decide.

Very different to we are thinking of going to Austria - what do you think and can we maybe find somewhere we could all stay?

My sisters 40th ending up costing me something between £1,500 - £2k (can't remember - have blocked from memory). Was in another country, had to stay at an expensive hotel I would never have dreamed of staying at, tours, meals. Oh my god. And I was expected to get her an expensive present. At no point did anyone say can you actually afford this - and sure I could have said I couldn't but the well established family dynamics were that I felt I just couldn't (THAT has changed now...).

So - I get that parents aren't responsible for children - but when they're dictating what needs to be spent I think its a different scenario.

I don't see any reason why the parents shouldn't pay for the hotel rooms - as long as they can afford them.

I find some views on this forum so strange, this hatred for parents helping out their children as soon as they reach 16 and more. I have always heard and witness parents helping out their children in real life, and it's not new. People from my grand-parents generation were and are always keen to help, explaining that they got help from their own parents so it was their turn, and that the "young generation" deserve some treats from time to time (holidays and other luxuries).

If you have no money, fair enough, but if you are comfortable, why would you not help out?

If anyone organise a stay in another country, it's a bit odd not to pay for the hotel at least.

i really don't understand all these people who think that once your children are adult, they are on their own. That's not what family is about.

I do find it weird that parents with plenty of money wouldn’t help their children whenever they can. Especially through higher education!
If I was going somewhere with my mum she’d always pay, even if I tell her it’s my treat she still finds a way to pay.

Each generation works to pay the pension of the generations before. Plenty of pensioners also still pay tax you know. Everything doesn't become free just because you are retired.

I wouldn't expect mine to pay for my hotel room (though my mum and stepdad are probably in about the same financial situation as yours, and they probably would offer because they get a lot of self-worth from spending money on other people, that's another post altogether). But I would be annoyed if they expected we'd stay in the same hotel. I would instead look for an Airbnb nearby, with other family if they wanted to chip in and share the cost, and just say we'd meet up at their hotel when we get there.

To be clear and fair, I'm not worried that the hotel is too expensive, and I'm not annoyed it's happening in Austria, this was all discussed beforehand and there is zero issue there, I cannot fault them.

My issue was purely that if you earn that much more than someone I was wondering if it would maybe not have just been easier and maybe more generous just to get the extra hotel rooms whilst you were at it anyway.

I do realise I'm sounding a bit grabby and I did post on here to get objective views and am happy to accept I've been a bit unfair.

Havinh said that I've read so many threads on here where the mass consensus seems to be parents paying for their kids through uni/letting them live at home and/or giving them deposit money, which is something us kids would never dream of assuming or asking for. So I do think 3 nights in a hotel isnt exactly me expecting to be allowed to bleed them dry ;)

OP - you are sounding very reasonable now and I applaud you realising it comes across as grabby.

Havinh said that I've read so many threads on here where the mass consensus seems to be parents paying for their kids through uni/letting them live at home and/or giving them deposit money, which is something us kids would never dream of assuming or asking for. So I do think 3 nights in a hotel isnt exactly me expecting to be allowed to bleed them dry ;)

I see your point. If you follow the logic of those other threads, I can see why you'd be recruited into this mucked-up belief that adults are not responsible for themselves and should hang off their parents for the rest of their lives. I personally think parents paying for their adult children to attend university and giving them deposits for house purchases is bonkers and unhealthy. For decades adults worked hard, lived in student digs, stacked shelves etc to pay for themselves, and suddenly we have a generation of graduates who have gone through uni from the bank of Mummy and Daddy without lifting a finger. Awful, just awful. So yes OP, I can see why these threads have misled you into believing that's healthy. But two wrongs and all that.

I think the issue here is that they have selected the hotel and it is more their budget than yours.

Yup. In your shoes I'd either stump up the cash if you feel you'll enjoy it and not become resentful, or say "Our budget for this holiday doesn't quite stretch to that hotel; we'll look around for somewhere else nearby and confirm when we've booked."

@FlowerPot1234

You're right 😊

I will now proceed with booking my Austrian hotel room in good humour!

First world problem eh!

My children aren’t that old yet but when they are i would pay and say something like “this is your Christmas present this year” (then buy them something to open as well) .

I already do that with family who don’t have as much disposable income as we do when we all want to get together - also means I get to choose something at a level we are happy to pay and don’t have to worry about keeping the costs down for the person earning the least

What age did you move out of the family home, OP?

I think YABU- you say you can afford it but just feel your parents ought to be for it because they are better off than you. Which totally unreasonable, IMHO. If you want to go, act like a grown up and pay for it yourself rather than getting annoyed. If you don't want to spend that much on this trip then simply explain that to your parents and book somewhere within a budget you find acceptable- or don't go.

Although I think it is also unreasonable of them to decide where you would all be staying without consulting your or your brother regarding budget. But that doesn't seem to be your main concern, so perhaps less relevant.

I find the notion that parents should "cough up" for lots of things that their adult child(ren) want but either cannot afford or would rather not pay for (as in this case) - and if they don't then they are "mean" or "tight"- quite absurd. As an adult you have to cut your cloth according to your means and should consider yourself very lucky if your parents choose to help financially with house deposits etc. It should never be an expectation that your parents will do so.

That's not to say parents shouldn't give money if they want to and can afford it, more that it should not be an expectation and seen as a failing on the parent's part if they don't. Its quite an ugly thing, this feeling of entitlement to your parents (and sometimes grandparents) money.

For decades adults worked hard, lived in student digs, stacked shelves etc to pay for themselves, and suddenly we have a generation of graduates who have gone through uni from the bank of Mummy and Daddy without lifting a finger.

Tbf, students used to get government grants (money given to them that did not have to be repaid) and nowadays many students are working to at least help to support themselves.

People can have all kinds of weird ideas about money, from expecting others to pay things for them to refusing an offer of much-needed help because of pride.

Glad you've sorted it out in your mind, OP.

I think your parents were being really rude telling you where they've decided you're going for Christmas! Do they decide your summer holiday as well?!

Message everyone back and say ‘oh it looks like s lovely location. However I’m going to use a budget hotel instead to keep costs down. Would you be interested in a budget hotel too DB?

Jaxhog - And then they'll inherit their parent's house!

Um, no. My gm had as broke and had to go into a home. The fees are nearly a grand a week. My gm had to sell her home and has used up all of her savings. Unfortunately, despite having 2 strokes, she's been 'blessed' with long life, which basically leaves her housebound, miserable, skint, and frequently asking why she hasn't died yet. My dm will possibly inherit one 3rd of a tv and a packet of M&S pop socks.

My gm & gf worked hard, saved hard all their lives and haven't a penny left or a penny to pass on.

Tbf, students used to get government grants (money given to them that did not have to be repaid) and nowadays many students are working to at least help to support themselves.

Yes and no. If your parents both worked you got no grant at all and were reliant on your parents coughing up as no loans were available. Some didn't and people had to work a lot of hours whilst studying and pay for everything themselves. There weren't however the fees that there are today.

anyway, slightly off topic!

OP, I guess it depends on what you're used to, and if you are used to your parents paying for stuff. If when you go out for a mean, and they ALWAYS insist on paying, then it sort of sets the scene for the expectation ... But yes, you should be paying for yourself.

BUT, I do think it's rude and weird for them to have gone ahead and booked. You say you've all had convos about Christmas in Austria. It seems odd then that they didn't have a chat about all of you booking a flat together, or them saying we want to stay on this hotel, where do you want to stay, sort of thing. Several people contributing to a bigger flat, or even family room (with separate 'kids' room) or suite in hotel?

Well said Cantspell! 👍

OP, I don’t think you are being unreasonable or grabby at all! I would not appreciate the “Breezy” nature of your parents’ email, I.e. We have chosen the hotel, “Get booking guys.” There again I never had a family as such - I often think thank God when reading things like this - and I definitely don’t like being told what to do/others spending my money in similar circumstances.

I suppose many people would call me awkward but I know instinctively
what my response would have been.

Hope you manage to have a great - if bloody expensive - Christmas though, OP.

For decades adults worked hard, lived in student digs, stacked shelves etc to pay for themselves, and suddenly we have a generation of graduates who have gone through uni from the bank of Mummy and Daddy without lifting a finger.

But students also for decades had free tuition and grants which they never had to repay. Almost all of the students I know including my DS are paying their own way through Uni by working and they will come out with massive debt.

Also OP you didn't answer the question of whether you had a private education or not. I had a friend who was privately educated, by a father with a six figure salary, and he was told by his father that he had had a very expensive education and now it was time to go out in the world and find his own way.

Is this you/your brother?

Not that this is what the thread is about, but those who are retired now and shortly to retire didn't pay anything like as much towards the pensions of those before as their children will now have to for them. Because there were more working adults per pensioner then, whereas the number is decreasing now, and also people are living longer. So the average 30 year old now will pay more to cover pensions for boomers and elderly than the average current pension recipient did.

Not sure this is especially relevant to the thread though!

Us kids are late 20s early 30s btw.

Saving the best bit until last Op
I call YABU but I suspect it is a reverse if genuine.