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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think parents could cough up

150 replies

homesickforuk · 01/11/2017 09:43

I earn 40k and my parents earn 6 figures.

The whole family live in different countries. This year they've decided we'll go to my sisters country (Austria) for Christmas. She lives in a small flat so they found a (posh) hotel and just sent me and my brother links saying "get booking guys!"

Its no problem for me to pay but i just felt a spark of annoyance.

Although they earn good money they never helped us out the way i see other peoples parents helping them out (no help through university, no help with deposit or anything all of us kids just rent etc etc etc).

I dont expect that stuff but i would have thought if you were bookig this hotel you could just whack an extra 2 bedrooms on for me and my brother, no? I mean we have to buy flights etc anyway. Us kids are late 20s early 30s btw.

AIBU?

OP posts:

jacks11 · 01/11/2017 11:17

Sorry OP, just RTFT and realised that you have changed your mind.

In response to your last post- yes it would be generous of your parents to pay for the hotel. But that's not to say they are obliged to or should do so. To be annoyed when you don't receive such generosity is the problem.

Although not directly applicable to you OP, I do get exasperated by the number of posters who seem to feel entitled to their parents money in all sorts of situations- from low level things like this to larger amounts such as for a house deposit. Too many people seem to be happy to "decide" what their parents can afford to give (often based in assumptions) and feel that they should be given whatever that figure is, by right. I'm aghast at how very hard done by and petulant some then are if they don't get it. I have been astounded by some of the attitudes I see on here and more generally. I've seen quite a few posts saying the equivalent of "if they can afford but won't give you money for x, then you simply don't give them any assistance when they are old and frail" for instance. I just think- these are your parents FGS! Assuming they've given you a decent childhood and are not abusive/unpleasant or similar, I think it's awful that because they won't give you cash that you will treat them in that way. I don't think it's healthy and it is very unpleasant reflection on society.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 01/11/2017 11:18

I'd pay for my kids it would feel weird not to especially if I wanted us al to be together in the hotel and I wanted to stay in an expensive hotel.

Your parents are spending your money as it stands. But that's just my opinion

user1495451339 · 01/11/2017 11:19

We spend Christmas with family too but the difference is they either stay in our home or we stay in theirs. There is no hotel booking and flights, if there was there is no way we could afford it.

However, you have said you can afford it so maybe just look at the local hotels and airbnbs and decide for yourself what is in your budget.

MinervaSaidThar · 01/11/2017 11:19

For decades adults worked hard, lived in student digs, stacked shelves etc to pay for themselves, and suddenly we have a generation of graduates who have gone through uni from the bank of Mummy and Daddy without lifting a finger. Awful, just awful.

How much is your student loan, flowerpot?

disahsterdahling · 01/11/2017 11:22

It is pretty depressing the number of threads there are on here from adults who still expect their parents to be footing their bills or want handouts

But it's presumably ok for adult parents to ask their adult children to help them out financially or indeed in kind eg as a carer. So if the latter is ok, why not the former. Families help each other and age does not matter.

As for the OP, if I wanted to go and could afford it I would be happy to pay. But if you don't want to go, don't.

BootHill · 01/11/2017 11:22

TBH I would be more annoyed that it had been decided for me where I would be staying more than anything else.

disahsterdahling · 01/11/2017 11:23

suddenly we have a generation of graduates who have gone through uni from the bank of Mummy and Daddy without lifting a finger

I had tuition fees paid and a full grant. I don't think anyone gets that now.

Ttbb · 01/11/2017 11:24

It's certainly very weird behaviour but it's hardly unreasonable, just extremely strange.

FredericaFreiheit · 01/11/2017 11:24

More evidence for me that Mumsnet is a parallel universe where families don't help each other out and if you so much as breathe discontent, you are selfish, grabby and entitled. It's the same when anyone dares to question why their parents don't want to see their grandkids for more than 5 minutes once a year.

I don't think you are being a dick OP. Personally though, I would think about standing up for yourself - what would be your budget for Christmas if it was your choice? Why didn't you feel you could say that the hotel was bit expensive for you? I do think you are behaving a bit childlike in that respect. If these were friends you'd let them know, wouldn't you?

DeadGood · 01/11/2017 11:27

“£40,000 in wages in your late twenties /early thirties suggests you had a great start in life

A receptionist or PA in London would earn this”

A receptionist earning £40K? Um, no.

Viviennemary · 01/11/2017 11:27

You earn a fairly good wage for a young single person. Why do you need extra from your parents. Nice if they give it but you can't expect hand-outs as a right as you seem to. You probably would go if it was a freebie but not if you had to pay yourself. I suppose the problem is so many younger people these days get handouts that those who don't think they are hard done by and their parents are meanies.

FlowerPot1234 · 01/11/2017 11:28

MinervaSaidThar

How much is your student loan, flowerpot?

I had a full loan and paid it all off before leaving university. By working weekends, evenings and every term break. Zero debt.

Why do you ask?
How much is/was yours?

mintich · 01/11/2017 11:28

Actually I think your parents are bring unreasonable. They could have decided with you what hotel to go for instead of just deciding you are going to go to the expensive hotel.

whiskyowl · 01/11/2017 11:32

Oh dear, OP. You're going to encounter a shitstorm from all those posters who think parents should give their children everything up to the age of 18 and nothing thereafter.

I actually think YANBU. For me, the person who can best afford it should always pay a bit more towards collective things. And before someone accuses me of self-interest, this does not work in my interest at all - generally, amongst friends and family, this means DH and I pay more.

What would happen if you didn't go and said you couldn't afford it (I know you can, but just hypothetically).

MinervaSaidThar · 01/11/2017 11:34

Frederica - don't you think OP has some weird views?

She thinks parents letting their children live at home is weird is but wants her parents to pay for her and adult siblings stay at a hotel?! Don't you think that's a more realistic time for family helping each other out than when they are adults and earning a wage?

And referring to her and her siblings as 'us kids'?! What's that about?

missiondecision · 01/11/2017 11:36

Have I just entered a parallel universe where earning 40k is “normal” and parents should pay for uni and hotels of adult children.
Fuck I was born on the wrong planet .
Grow up and either go or stay .

Scabbersley · 01/11/2017 11:37

My parents would pay. But only if it was very important to them that we all be there.

I don't really understand why you all have to get together at xmas anyway if you all live in different countries?

zebedebe · 01/11/2017 11:38

YANBU, it does seem a bit tight. I don’t really understand the kind of parents who will pay for things until 18 and then bam, you’re on your own. I know I will happily help my DS out in adulthood if I can afford it, I love him and can’t imagine not being generous with him. My own parents are very generous and wouldn’t think twice about things like paying for dinner when we’re out with them or hotel room on a trip. Once they retire, it will be us treating them - and I’ll be happy to. Why wouldn’t the higher earners in a family help out those not earning as much.

jacks11 · 01/11/2017 11:40

disahster

There is a massive difference between having an expectation that your parents will pay your way or give you quite large sums of money or feeling that you are entitled to have a certain amount, as compared to asking for help if you are struggling financially (and parents are able to afford to help) or being gifted money by parents who want to give their children money.

MinervaSaidThar · 01/11/2017 11:41

I had a full loan and paid it all off before leaving university. By working weekends, evenings and every term break. Zero debt.

Why do you ask?
How much is/was yours?

Same as you, a full loan, but I'm still paying it off.

So you should know that there isn't a generation who go through uni without lifting a finger.

Many grads these days have a £40k load to pay off. Did you pay off that much working during uni?

Biglettuce · 01/11/2017 11:42

Have I just entered a parallel universe where earning 40k is “normal” and parents should pay for uni and hotels of adult children.

Ha ha! Agree completely.

dunraven · 01/11/2017 11:43

Well, I would be quite happy to either book somewhere cheaper (hopefully close by) or decide not to go. I understand parental pressure but if you don't want to spend your money on a holiday decided by your parents, stand up for yourself!

Nikephorus · 01/11/2017 11:44

Isn't it lovely when the OP not only returns to the thread but even goes with the consensus and agrees (in good humour too) to being a tad unreasonable
Personally I'd have been narked at being told what to do (and Austria would be way too far for me to go!!) but that's just because I like to be in control of my life.

Scabbersley · 01/11/2017 11:44

Having said that, Austria will be lovely at xmas. And sorry to be the voice of doom, if you are all happy and healthy you should probably make the most of Christmasses together. Totally up to you though!

Appuskidu · 01/11/2017 11:44

What do you normally do for Xmas, OP? Has staying in a hotel in Austria ever been discussed before?

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