Fed up with DB/SIL

[jacks11]

I've posted about them before. I don't think AIBU, but need a good rant. I am as annoyed with myself as anything.

DB/SIL have 3 children (aged 16, 7 and 1). SIL left her last job (before she was pushed) and did a year of college and after that quite quickly fell pregnant. Then went back to college after mat'y leave. She is a doing an access course. DB works full time, yet has to do most of the drop off/pick ups and running around as she is "too tired".

SIL announced (not asked) when she went back in September that she will need "at least one day every weekend" for studying. DB is adamant that if she says she needs it then that's what needs to happen (he often works overtime at the weekend as income more stretched now that SIL is not earning). They have asked DM/me and her parents to take it in turns to have their 2 youngest at least one day every 2nd weekend (so a whole day of childcare every weekend by one of us).

My DF has a lot of health issues. I help with DF quite a bit, as they live in the "granny cottage" in our grounds. To be fair, DM does look after DD after school (dropped off by school bus then DM looks after her until I get home). I work full time, including weekends on occasion. DD has weekend activities and we also need family time.

My DM knows the person who used to run the course who says that the majority of work should be able to be done within the built in study time of the course. So she's either not studying efficiently/using the time allocated at college or is taking the piss.

I said I couldn't commit to anything regularly but would help out on occasions if I'm free- e.g. run up to exams. I just don't think it is realistic to expect childcare at least one day of a weekend every single weekend. It's just so presumptuous. DM agreed to help when she could, but also could not commit to every other weekend. This was met with something of a temper tantrum re not helping SIL to "improve" things for the whole family. A lot of pressure was put on DM and implied it was because of favouritism as she helps with my DD. This upset mum and I was really angry about it, as it's not the case and was very unfair on DM who does her best. It's a different situation and DM cannot do the same for them due to logistics (they don't live nearby). I do understand it may feel unfair, but sometimes it's just one of those things.

However, after this weekend I am inclined to tell them both to get stuffed completely. I agreed to help out this weekend as SIL had a "coursework deadline" . I collected DN Saturday afternoon to take DN and DD to a halloween event and bring him back Sunday PM. Her DM took their youngest for the weekend. When DN wanted to call home Sunday morning to speak to his mum, she was in bed (having a lie in according to DB). At 11am. And when I called to say we were setting off so would be with them at x time, teenage DN told me SIL was in town shopping with her mum (not grocery shopping). I later saw a FB update from the night before- DB and SIL were out with friends.

I'm pissed off- they are entitled to go shopping/go out with friends if they want to. But if they ask for childcare (at short notice) so SIL can do coursework then I don't think she should be going out/having a very long lie in/going on shopping trips during that time- she should be focussing on getting the work done. If it was only going to take a few hours, then she didn't need to ask for help for the entire weekend.

I've had enough and have said I won't be helping out in future. DB and SIL are furious and I've had DB yelling down the phone about wanting them to be "kept in their place". DM has had an earful too (I am guessing this is because DB/SIL have worked out that as I help with the collecting/dropping off if DM is looking after them, so if I won't help it may limit what she can do).

I don't think AIBU to say no- they've taken the piss one time to many and now they'll have to live with the consequences.

I'm in a similar set up with my sister - she lives 10 minutes from parents and gets after school care. I live about 1.5 hours away. It would be completely impractical for my parents to look after my DD after school wouldn't it? If I wanted them to, I'd have to move closer and I'm sure they would. Similarly, they'd look after DD for me if I dropped her there at the weekend if they weren't doing anything - I do that 2-3 times a year, and always for a wedding/party and I have a lie in - I don't lie about needing to study and insist they do it if it's not convenient for them. And I don't think you can get away from the fact that looking after a 9 year old for an hour after school is somewhat different to looking after a 7 year old and a 1 year old for a weekend. If you're going to go down that road (and why would you) looking after them for one weekend is probably worth the equivalent of a month of 1 hour after schools. If she's anything like my daughter was at 9, she comes in, has a snack, tells you about her day and then pretty much looks after herself. Nothing like the intensity of looking after a 1 year old!

Most people in this kind of set up know that by choosing to live a bit further away they aren't going to have childcare on tap! Move closer and commute to work if that's what you want!

I can't believe some posters on here who think the OP is being unreasonable!

Neither me or my sister have ever had childcare from our parents. She lives on the other side of the world and I live 5 hours away! We've both learned to adapt, and work literally through the night in order to go our jobs and study. We both appreciate visiting our parents for what it is. It's never free childcare. We all go out together.

Dh's parents live 2 hours away.

When my dcs were young dh and I literally never had had a day 'off'. We never slept in, never went shopping for fun, hardly drank because dealing with dcs at 5.30am was no fun. This was our set up.
My BIL lives about 20 mins away from dh's parents. Dh's patents used to babysit nearly every weekend and every half term etc. I used to be very jealous, but realised that just logistics.

OP, I would be fuming in your shoes that you all went out of your way thinking you were helping a struggling parent to study while really helping them go on a jolly. It's just not fair. I wouldn't have dreamt of asking such a thing.

I too feel sorry for your mum in this. It's like everyone wants a piece of her. When does she get time to relax? At least the OP is supporting her by helping with DF and cooking and generally being there.

I would leave your DB to stew OP. Don't enable the situation again.

Your ILs sound bloody horrible Trampire.

You must be a saint for accepting that as "logistics".

YANBU OP, not at all.

Logistics is key, Saucy, what do you expect of Trampire's inlaws when they're 2hours away? Logistics is exactly what it is.

Being able to drive/having access to a car - or choosing not to - is fine if you're completely independent or have friends/family able to 'mop up' the transport for you but if they're not able to then it's up to you to find a way.

OP, your SIL sounds like she wanted time to herself but she must realise (and so must your brother) that their situation is precarious given that neither of them can drive and your mum is not able to help unless the children are dropped off. I think you've been really kind and accommodating and they're going to realise that when they no longer have it. That's on them, foolish pair.

You are so not being unreasonable OP, I would not be bending over backwards to facilitate SILs downtime. I am on board with people needing and asking for help (DP and I had our 3 nieces and nephew this weekend actually so SIL and BIL could go out) but she demanded short notice help for something that she didn't need! She was fine with you rearranging your plans, putting everyone out and she used the time to go shopping, electing to lie to you and your mother. Who does that!

"Saucy, what do you expect of Trampire's inlaws when they're 2hours away?"

To put some effort in some times with their other set of grandchildren!?

2 hours really isn't that far. We do that there and back in either the car or train whenever we go up to London for the day.

I think it's pretty scummy grandparenting to treat GC so differently.

This thread has really helped me - my BIL and SIL recently moved to be near my ILs. They do benefit from a bit of childcare that we never got (despite living nearby) but OTOH they help the ILs out in other ways and we were too busy just existing with the kids and work and all those things.

I've been feeling a bit horrible about it because we really did need help at the time but perhaps we should have been a bit more hands-on with them? They didn't seem to need anything from us though. They do now, as a decade has passed - BIL and SIL will be doing a lot more.

In this case OP I suspect the DB has no way of understanding what is and isn't fair, what is and isn't reciprocal. He doesn't seem inclined to. I find the detail about him needing to be picked up to visit really telling.

Perhaps if you give him a list of challenges and see how best you can as a family overcome them.

1. That he and SIL can't drive and the hours of everyone else's time that uses up if they want childcare (or even just to visit)
2. That df needs x, y, z care and how that is arranged between you and DM
3. That his children need looking after at weekends and after school
4. That SIL's future study plans are going to take up time

Because by far the easiest solutions are that they learn to drive and/or they buy in some local childcare, so that everyone can care for your DF with as much time to devote to that as possible. Maybe he needs it laying out to him.

Another thing: what is the usual pattern of contact for your DM/DF and their other grandchildren? They have behaved badly, no question about that, but is that at the root of it?

saucy Agree Trampire's PILs might have made an effort. But often with Ps and PILs it's because they're not asked, can't drive or drive safely, or there's nowhere to put them up if they need to stay over. And from what Trampire said, they had little time left to do an eight hour journey (drop off return/collect return) for an overnight stay. Half term might be different. Who knows?

Saucy, fair enough but your circumstances may be very different to Trampire's inlaws' circumstances and they can't manage to do that. I do agree though that 4 hours (there and back) isn't that far for a weekend trip and I would do it when I could.

Circumstances change in terms of availability too. Perhaps for first grandkids they are still working but by the time younger ones come along they are retired

Age and ill health can also be a factor. My parents find looking after kids much harder now

Also, some kids are easier to look after than others

In op's case the ils want to do all the taking

Your ILs sound bloody horrible Trampire

Being a grandparent is a fact of life and often a pleasure, but unfortunately some people seem to consider it a duty.

Women, this seems to be your place is society from the minute you get pregnant. Look after your children and then not long after you have waved them all off to their adult lives turn around and start babysitting their children or be labelled as a unnatural mother if you don't. Every favour you do for one child will be held against you unless you do an identical favour the other children and don't dare to expect they will look after in your old age should you fail to provide babysitting services on tap.

YANBU. No way would I be doing all that driving and looking after somebody else's child (family or no family). You do a lot for your parents and a 9 year old really isn't that much bother for an hour. Especially after school when they are generally tired anyway. Your DB&SIL are taking the pi**. When they start mucking in and helping more with your parents (doubt that's going to happen) then they can maybe "expect" some form of help back.

Another thing: what is the usual pattern of contact for your DM/DF and their other grandchildren?

The contact is quite variable. They do call/skype quite a bit and will generally see once a month (usually more often in school holidays), but as the contact always depends on either DM or I driving to collect them and then take them home again (regardless of whether it's everyone or just the children), it is often decided by my commitments and DF's health, so sometimes will be less frequent. Also depends if DB/SIL are free at the same time. If they could get here under their own steam it would make it easier for them to come more often.

Sometimes they stay for a weekend. They usually stay with me as we have spare bedrooms, DM only has the one spare bedroom. Sometimes middle DN stays with DF/DM if it's only the children that are staying over.

It may not be "ideal" but we have to work around our commitments, SIL/DB's commitments and DF's health.

Another thing: what is the usual pattern of contact for your DM/DF and their other grandchildren?

The contact is quite variable. They do call/skype quite a bit and will generally see once a month (usually more often in school holidays), but as the contact always depends on either DM or I driving to collect them and then take them home again (regardless of whether it's everyone or just the children), it is often decided by my commitments and DF's health, so sometimes will be less frequent. Also depends if DB/SIL are free at the same time. If they could get here under their own steam it would make it easier for them to come more often.

Sometimes they stay for a weekend. They usually stay with me as we have spare bedrooms, DM only has the one spare bedroom. Sometimes middle DN stays with DF/DM if it's only the children that are staying over.

It may not be "ideal" but we have to work around our commitments, SIL/DB's commitments and DF's health.

Bloody hell. I am doing an OU degree and working full time. I get up at 6am to get some studying in before the DCs get up. I would love a day in the weekend with uninterrupted study time!

So every visit involves you transporting them and then also hosting them overnight or for a weekend.

It seems you are doing all the 'giving' here and they are doing all the 'taking'.

school

Not every visit is an overnight stay- sometimes it is, sometimes it's just for the day. It's a long one for me due to the travel if we do it that way. But yes, we do all transporting as neither DB or SIL drive and they won't use public transport (DB says this is because it takes 2 buses and a train journey each way, which is too expensive and time consuming.....).

How do they function normally with neither driving?

I know a couple who don't drive but they are avid public transport users and wouldn't dream of people taking them anywhere

How do they get to work, school, doctors, other appointments, holidays, weekly shopping etc?

They say public transport is too expensive-do they give you petrol money for chauffeuring them around?

appu

They don't live far from school so they walk, otherwise use buses (or taxi's on occasion), as far as I know. I understand they use delivery for groceries or bus/walk (large tesco only a 10/15 minute walk).

I have zero time for people who choose not to learn to drive and then demand lifts off people. I do however have huge respect for people who deliberately resist the lure of owning a car in favour or walking, cycling and public transport. It doesn't sound like this couple are the latter though!

They sound pretty selfish. Probably time to encourage them to train across to visit you...