Fed up with DB/SIL

[jacks11]

I've posted about them before. I don't think AIBU, but need a good rant. I am as annoyed with myself as anything.

DB/SIL have 3 children (aged 16, 7 and 1). SIL left her last job (before she was pushed) and did a year of college and after that quite quickly fell pregnant. Then went back to college after mat'y leave. She is a doing an access course. DB works full time, yet has to do most of the drop off/pick ups and running around as she is "too tired".

SIL announced (not asked) when she went back in September that she will need "at least one day every weekend" for studying. DB is adamant that if she says she needs it then that's what needs to happen (he often works overtime at the weekend as income more stretched now that SIL is not earning). They have asked DM/me and her parents to take it in turns to have their 2 youngest at least one day every 2nd weekend (so a whole day of childcare every weekend by one of us).

My DF has a lot of health issues. I help with DF quite a bit, as they live in the "granny cottage" in our grounds. To be fair, DM does look after DD after school (dropped off by school bus then DM looks after her until I get home). I work full time, including weekends on occasion. DD has weekend activities and we also need family time.

My DM knows the person who used to run the course who says that the majority of work should be able to be done within the built in study time of the course. So she's either not studying efficiently/using the time allocated at college or is taking the piss.

I said I couldn't commit to anything regularly but would help out on occasions if I'm free- e.g. run up to exams. I just don't think it is realistic to expect childcare at least one day of a weekend every single weekend. It's just so presumptuous. DM agreed to help when she could, but also could not commit to every other weekend. This was met with something of a temper tantrum re not helping SIL to "improve" things for the whole family. A lot of pressure was put on DM and implied it was because of favouritism as she helps with my DD. This upset mum and I was really angry about it, as it's not the case and was very unfair on DM who does her best. It's a different situation and DM cannot do the same for them due to logistics (they don't live nearby). I do understand it may feel unfair, but sometimes it's just one of those things.

However, after this weekend I am inclined to tell them both to get stuffed completely. I agreed to help out this weekend as SIL had a "coursework deadline" . I collected DN Saturday afternoon to take DN and DD to a halloween event and bring him back Sunday PM. Her DM took their youngest for the weekend. When DN wanted to call home Sunday morning to speak to his mum, she was in bed (having a lie in according to DB). At 11am. And when I called to say we were setting off so would be with them at x time, teenage DN told me SIL was in town shopping with her mum (not grocery shopping). I later saw a FB update from the night before- DB and SIL were out with friends.

I'm pissed off- they are entitled to go shopping/go out with friends if they want to. But if they ask for childcare (at short notice) so SIL can do coursework then I don't think she should be going out/having a very long lie in/going on shopping trips during that time- she should be focussing on getting the work done. If it was only going to take a few hours, then she didn't need to ask for help for the entire weekend.

I've had enough and have said I won't be helping out in future. DB and SIL are furious and I've had DB yelling down the phone about wanting them to be "kept in their place". DM has had an earful too (I am guessing this is because DB/SIL have worked out that as I help with the collecting/dropping off if DM is looking after them, so if I won't help it may limit what she can do).

I don't think AIBU to say no- they've taken the piss one time to many and now they'll have to live with the consequences.

Of course yanbu! The driving alone is too much to ask of someone every other weekend. I'd love to have free childcare so I could pursue another degree, but, like most parents, I don't have that luxury. To then bugger off out for the night and have a lie in till 11 followed by shopping spree when free childcare is being provided, is beyond entitled imo. Then the fact that your DM has a lot on her plate.

Fwiw I have PILs who do a lot more for DH's sister and her family than they do for us, so I know what it's like when it seems like grandparents are being unfair. It's hurtful, but their loss really, (what with my dc being the best possible human being in the world and everything, they're only missing out by not volunteering to look after her ). But, there is a world of difference between your dm having your one 9yo DD for an hour, in her own home, after school and doing that long drive to care for a 1yo for a whole day.

So how are they helping out with DF.
Oh they're not.
Well one of them best learn to drive or find paid child care as it is not an emergency and DF can't be left on his own.
Yeah they are CF.

I did my MA as a single parent with a full time teaching job and two young teens. You just have to be prepared to sacrifice your free time.

Bloodyhell. SIL is a lazy, entitled biatch. I did my degree and PGCE, and teacher training as a single mum, parents live 100 miles away, boys were 2 and 7; which meant dropping them at breakfast club at 7.45 then racing to get train to uni, then back to get them from after school. Then doing all the usual Mum stuff without a partner until bedtime. Then I would do my coursework until around 2am. Rinse and repeat. And I never had a night out until I found my lovely OH.
Real CFs!

I don't get why they need this help. There's a father and a 16 year old sister. Why can't they, mostly the father look after his own kids for a day whilst their mum studies?

Also agree, if they are so keen to spend more time with your parents, then couldn't they move a bit closer to help out with your dad? Or is it possible for one of them to learn to drive so they drive up to see you all a bit more often?

I'm no goady fucker but this scenario is a bit one-sided. Ive experienced close family members with early and advanced dementia but clearly the OP is absolved by the vast majority of posters and doesn't need my lone voice of dissent.

Perhaps baking.

But I am not minded to help them out after having the piss taken out of me (again). There is a long back story and history, this is not a one off. They don't (and haven't ever) helped with DF. I understand that because of logistics they can't do as much as I do. I accept that, and am happy to help my parents because I love them. My DM helps with DD when she can. It is a mutually beneficial arrangement- I get some help with DD (but can, and do, make alternative arrangements for after school care when required). In turn, I help out DM and DF. You can try and paint that in any way you like, but the fact remains that I assist DM and DB does not. I think an hour is totally different to what you seem to think would be fair.

In my view, and I imagine you will disagree with me, as an adult you have to understand that fairness is not always the same thing as everybody getting exactly the same. In terms of actual hours of childcare- yes, I do indeed get more help from DM. In terms of the balance of help I give to what I receive, I think you will find that I definitely do not get the better end of the deal when compared to my DB/SIL. I am happy to accept that. I am fortunate to be able to have my parents live where they do, i am fortunate to have been able to adapt the house and so on. DB/SIL could not have done so- which is why things have worked out the way they have.

In terms of the grandchildren not getting the same relationship- again, yes that is true. But equally- DB/SIL could come visit us. They don't- it's an inconvenient journey on public transport (we live rurally) but they won't even get the train to nearest town. They'll only visit if they are collected and then taken home again. So again I say to you, it works both ways.

Isn't DB working to support the family? Do can't look after his kids.

Eldest child will need to do more...

Appreciate it sucks - BUT the OP also cares for her DF, and doesn't take the piss.

What will you do OP?

When I say "us" I say that as it is hard to visit without seeing us all as DM/DF live in the cottage near our house. And, as I say either DM or I have to drive to collect them.

Well, they've pissed their chips now. Shouting down the phone at someone has never worked in my experience in making them think you are being totally reasonable after all. Let them sort out their own childcare problems, since they do nothing to help any other family members.

YADNBU! What a pair of pisstakers.

Total cheeky fuckery!! It beggars belief?! Such entitled behaviour by your SIL!!

Can't say I'm too keen on the posts saying the eldest child will need to do more. SIL presumably isn't the only one studying after all!

I said I couldn't commit to anything regularly

Didn't read further than this - but make this your mantra

So who looks after her children while she is at college?

Why doesn't the 17 year old look after his/her siblings?

Regardless of the fairness or not of the DM looking after one set of grandchildren and not the other (fwiw, OP, I think you're absolutely right), did everyone miss the bit where SIL asked for help so she could study, but actually went out partying, shopping, and slept in til lunchtime??

I read some of the comments on here and think I am so glad I only have one child. A nine-year-old for an hour a day does not compare to looking after a baby and a seven-year-old all day every other weekend.

The way people are saying that the grandmother should distribute her time between caring for her husband, caring for the nine-year-old and travelling for over an hour each way to care for these other children make her sound like some kind of machine, I'm exhausted just reading it.

They see that your DM helps you and have decided that they are entitled to something similar themselves. They are ignoring the wider picture (you help out with your father) and forgetting that it's about give as well as take.

They are behaving like spoilt children.

jacks11 I realise that in families there often is a particular dynamic at play. Could you meet and talk with your DB alone and try to come to some arrangement over your DF and his childcare problems. If you think too much has happened in the past with your DB and you'll never see each other's POV then maybe its best to just accept that's the way things are. Families are often divided because of perceived injustices and i'll leave it at that and wish you well with your DF

Saturday

I've told DB that I was annoyed at being asked to provide childcare at short notice (and meaning having to rearrange my own plans) to allow SIL to study (DB was working) only to find out that very little (if any) coursework/studying was being done. He got a bit irate that I was questioning what they do with their time.

I think DB then put two and two together and realised that meant he couldn't just ask mum to take on "my share" (as SIL terms it) as that would mean asking me to help out with the driving or looking after DF for mum. So he called mum and gave her a hard time. Which has annoyed me even more.

I just won't be helping them any time soon, and certainly not unless it is convenient. I will not be putting myself out for them again.

Yanbu. At all.

I don’t think op is being unreasonable - and l am a sister who got much less help from our parents than my DB and SIL. There are reasons why it was like that, very similar to OP’s in fact. We all sucked it up. Once and only once l threw my toys out of my pram - not very proud of that and nothing changed anyway. Because he was nearer my brother did help the parents more too. Not a huge amount of extra help and l helped too. More that in an emergency, they’d call brother rather than me - because he was 20 miles away rather than 50, had a car, more flexible work, fewer and older children, bladder bla. It also meant though that years later, towards the end of mum’s life, l was able to refuse my parents’ request that l drop everything, go to theirs after my long night shift when l was ill and struggling myself and was still breast feeding the baby, to care for mum on a Saturday -so the others could go out together. As a compromise l suggested a Sunday as that was easier for me. But that didn’t fit with nephews’ bedtime routine so l said l couldn’t do it. There was no falling out because we all accepted each other’s situations. And we did give and take.

Baking

I doubt that DB and SIL will every see the point I made re fairness and absolute equality not being the same thing. I'm not perfect but but DB has a very big chip on his shoulder and has done for a very long time. I'm not perfect, and you're right that I don't get on well with DB and dislike SIL. But I have still tried to help them out on a number of occasions in the past- admittedly, largely in order to help/make life easier for our parents. In return I have received little or no thanks and a lot of grief.

In addition to the above, I am not convinced they have a childcare problem. SIL clearly did not need this weekend to allow her to study. Or certainly not more than a few hours. So why insist she needed it? DB does not work every day of every weekend, so SIL could study on the day that DB isn't working. I understand that sometimes, e.g. in run up to exams, she may need more time to study. But I'm not minded to help at the moment. And certainly not without an apology.

If DM wants to help DB/SIL out with childcare, she is free to do so. If I am free to help DM out with DF to allow her to help then I will do so (I won't punish DM to make my point to them). I won't rearrange things to suit them though and I won't be helping them out personally.