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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fed up with DB/SIL

148 replies

jacks11 · 30/10/2017 18:45

I've posted about them before. I don't think AIBU, but need a good rant. I am as annoyed with myself as anything.

DB/SIL have 3 children (aged 16, 7 and 1). SIL left her last job (before she was pushed) and did a year of college and after that quite quickly fell pregnant. Then went back to college after mat'y leave. She is a doing an access course. DB works full time, yet has to do most of the drop off/pick ups and running around as she is "too tired".

SIL announced (not asked) when she went back in September that she will need "at least one day every weekend" for studying. DB is adamant that if she says she needs it then that's what needs to happen (he often works overtime at the weekend as income more stretched now that SIL is not earning). They have asked DM/me and her parents to take it in turns to have their 2 youngest at least one day every 2nd weekend (so a whole day of childcare every weekend by one of us).

My DF has a lot of health issues. I help with DF quite a bit, as they live in the "granny cottage" in our grounds. To be fair, DM does look after DD after school (dropped off by school bus then DM looks after her until I get home). I work full time, including weekends on occasion. DD has weekend activities and we also need family time.

My DM knows the person who used to run the course who says that the majority of work should be able to be done within the built in study time of the course. So she's either not studying efficiently/using the time allocated at college or is taking the piss.

I said I couldn't commit to anything regularly but would help out on occasions if I'm free- e.g. run up to exams. I just don't think it is realistic to expect childcare at least one day of a weekend every single weekend. It's just so presumptuous. DM agreed to help when she could, but also could not commit to every other weekend. This was met with something of a temper tantrum re not helping SIL to "improve" things for the whole family. A lot of pressure was put on DM and implied it was because of favouritism as she helps with my DD. This upset mum and I was really angry about it, as it's not the case and was very unfair on DM who does her best. It's a different situation and DM cannot do the same for them due to logistics (they don't live nearby). I do understand it may feel unfair, but sometimes it's just one of those things.

However, after this weekend I am inclined to tell them both to get stuffed completely. I agreed to help out this weekend as SIL had a "coursework deadline" . I collected DN Saturday afternoon to take DN and DD to a halloween event and bring him back Sunday PM. Her DM took their youngest for the weekend. When DN wanted to call home Sunday morning to speak to his mum, she was in bed (having a lie in according to DB). At 11am. And when I called to say we were setting off so would be with them at x time, teenage DN told me SIL was in town shopping with her mum (not grocery shopping). I later saw a FB update from the night before- DB and SIL were out with friends.

I'm pissed off- they are entitled to go shopping/go out with friends if they want to. But if they ask for childcare (at short notice) so SIL can do coursework then I don't think she should be going out/having a very long lie in/going on shopping trips during that time- she should be focussing on getting the work done. If it was only going to take a few hours, then she didn't need to ask for help for the entire weekend.

I've had enough and have said I won't be helping out in future. DB and SIL are furious and I've had DB yelling down the phone about wanting them to be "kept in their place". DM has had an earful too (I am guessing this is because DB/SIL have worked out that as I help with the collecting/dropping off if DM is looking after them, so if I won't help it may limit what she can do).

I don't think AIBU to say no- they've taken the piss one time to many and now they'll have to live with the consequences.

OP posts:
Pearlsaringer · 30/10/2017 21:29

Going back to your original post OP, YANBU to tell them you won’t commit yourself to helping out given your experience. They have taken the piss and been caught out. Other posters have said they managed their studies without the kind of childcare invisaged by your DB and SIL so it can be done. The transport difficulties alone would seem to make it an impractical arrangement.

The family dynamics are a different, more complex matter. The fact is that for whatever reason, you have your DM on hand to help out and they don’t. That is bound to cause resentment. It isn’t just a matter of childcare, but of feeling that their children matter less to your DM than yours, and that their children will not have the bond with her that yours does.

Can’t really offer any advice other than to step back from this latest wrangle and see if you can’t facilitate their DC spending more time with their grandparents, just not on the high handed terms demanded by them.

Having cared for a ‘granny annexed’ parent with dementia, I can tell you the demands on your time will increase. At some point your DB will realise he has not come off so badly.

Clutterbugsmum · 30/10/2017 21:42

Slightly off topic, but if SIL is struggling to cope the access course work how the hell is she going to cope if she passes and is able to do the course. She will be demanding OP and DM move in and give her 24/7 help while she 'studies'.

MagdalenLaundry · 30/10/2017 21:43

Perhaps Baking could do the driving about for SIL

Appuskidu · 30/10/2017 21:52

SIL announced (not asked) when she went back in September that she will need "at least one day every weekend" for studying. DB is adamant that if she says she needs it then that's what needs to happen

Then he needs to provide it for her himself! Just because you say something must happen, doesn't mean it will. Shouting at people generally isn't effective in getting your way either.

thatdearoctopus · 30/10/2017 22:19

He got irate that you were questioning him about their use of time? I'd say you have every right to question it, when you were providing it!

Good for you, for speaking up and putting an end to this nonsense. It's their own stupid fault for taking the piss.

Halloweenwitch · 30/10/2017 22:22

Yanbu they sound like they think the world owes them a favour. What course is sil doing?

JWrecks · 30/10/2017 22:33

I am very close to and was always quite dependent upon my family while DC were young. All of my family with young children now rely on each other for childcare in one way or another, when it's possible. We are very lucky that most of us live near and we can help each other that way.

And still, even I think it's completely unreasonable to just expect free childcare on a regular basis like that. ESPECIALLY on a weekend! Sorry, SIL, it's not only you; other people have lives, too.

LineysRun · 30/10/2017 22:43

THEY HAVE A 16 YEAR OLD

apparently

CommanderDaisy · 30/10/2017 22:50

Fair enough, and YANBU.

Original poster
jacks11 · 30/10/2017 23:14

lineysrun

not quite sure what your point is? they do have a 16 year old- actually DB's stepson but referred to as his DS as my DB/SIL have been together since he was very young.

OP posts:
Original poster
jacks11 · 30/10/2017 23:16

eldest child is not reliable enough to look after 2 younger ones, so not an option for prolonged periods.

OP posts:
Ceto · 30/10/2017 23:28

If the DM goes for an overnight at OP's DB then maybe OP could have her DF over to stay at the main house. There will be a solution if all parties look for one

Could you explain why a solution needs to be found to enable SIL to go shopping and have a lie-in, baking?

LineysRun · 30/10/2017 23:32

OP, it means they have solutions without imposing on you. You do enough already.

FrancisCrawford · 30/10/2017 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lunde · 30/10/2017 23:55

SIL is just taking the p*ss! Demanding a whole weekend of childcare to "study" and then going out partying and shopping in town - beavering over the books obviously took only a few hours that is if it was done at all! the 'D'B was obviously home Saturday night to party

I think they need to sort their own childcare out between then and the 16 year old dc - especially as they are a) not offering to reciprocate for other family members whereas OP and DM provide mutual care b) their refusal to travel themselves by demanding to be picked up and dropped off at their home over an hour away makes their demands much more onerous.

Clutterbugsmum · 31/10/2017 06:46

they do have a 16 year old- actually DB's stepson but referred to as his DS,eldest child is not reliable enough to look after 2 younger ones well of course he's not. Look at the parents who brought them up.

schoolgaterebel · 31/10/2017 08:02

YANBU

Surely SIL is able to study while kids are at school, when DB is at home and and when they are in bed?

I do understand how they could feel your DM is favouring you because she looks after your DD, however, as they live on your property I would imagine you provide a lot of help and support and the arrangement is reciprocal. Also I'm sure your parents are very grateful to your DH for having them living in such close proximity, taking a lot of your attention, not all Son in Law's would put up with PIL's like that, so their helping your family out is, again, reciprocal.

How much help do they get from DB & SIL?

MinervaSaidThar · 31/10/2017 08:12

Interesting aswell in most cases like this the daughter often gets help with childcare whilst the son and sil are left to get on with it

😂 Is this a joke?

More like typical that it's the daughter caring for her parents while the son turns a blind eye to their needs and instead feels hard done by for no reason.

LakieLady · 31/10/2017 08:21

YANBU, they are CFs.

DM cares for your daughter because that is easily fitted in around caring for your DF and she doesn't have to go anywhere to do it. It can't be compared to caring for DB's children, who would require much more supervision and live a long way away.

And if they want DM to help, they should think about helping her from time to time.

Using free childcare that SIL claims to need to study to go shopping and sleep off a night out is blatantly taking the piss.

DressedCrab · 31/10/2017 08:24

YANBU. Ignore the hairy handed goady fuckers.

GreenTulips · 31/10/2017 08:36

If the DM goes for an overnight at OP's DB then maybe OP could have her DF over to stay at the main house. There will be a solution if all parties look for one

I doubt SIL would want MIL supervising the kids in her own home, because she couldn't go out or town etc while MIL is specifically there to allow her to study.

SIL wants a few quiet weekends by the sounds of it

DingDongDenny · 31/10/2017 08:38

I would be really worried for the grandmother's health in this scenario if she does help out with childcare

She is older, looking after someone full time which is stressful and exhausting and she is meant to travel for a long journey and then look after 2 kids all day, also exhausting. She will end up making herself ill

OP I see that you are already aware of this and are doing your best to help your mum and make sure she doesn't take on too much. But rather than looking for your lazy SIL to have a break. I think your brother should be looking for your mum to have more of a break from caring

Appuskidu · 31/10/2017 08:42

I think you should spell it out to your SIL that clearly you weren't trying to 'keep them in their place' because you were in fact providing child care for her so she could study.

Her choosing to spend that time sleeping, boozing and shopping rather than studying rather suggests she is not very motivated herself! What is the access course in-What sort of job will she be aiming to do? I can see you being signed up for childcare help during the access course, the degree, training year and whilst she works!!

PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 31/10/2017 08:53

YA so NBU.

I can't believe they demand to be fetched for visits! I would fetch from nearest train station but not from their house!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 31/10/2017 09:02

Need to hit the bottom line...

If she seriously 'needs' a whole day's study... For an access course??! It will get worse when she is at uni...

I've had many pals who have done access courses with kids... (Apart from any assessment deadlines) they found it straightforward to fit the course requirements in the study time...in fact one of them was asking her access lecturers as she felt she wasn't really doing much work - passed with flying colours.

She is either taking the piss... Sounds as if she is..

Or she is studying very ineffectively...is she doing massive amounts of highlighting - I've noticed many ineffective students highlight everything...

Or She really doesn't have enough ability to study at undergraduate level.

Despite dominant narratives of everyone should try/can study at uni... There are some people that just can't... Their potential ability level, even after loads of input, and the level needed for university is just too wide a gap.

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