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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fed up with DB/SIL

148 replies

jacks11 · 30/10/2017 18:45

I've posted about them before. I don't think AIBU, but need a good rant. I am as annoyed with myself as anything.

DB/SIL have 3 children (aged 16, 7 and 1). SIL left her last job (before she was pushed) and did a year of college and after that quite quickly fell pregnant. Then went back to college after mat'y leave. She is a doing an access course. DB works full time, yet has to do most of the drop off/pick ups and running around as she is "too tired".

SIL announced (not asked) when she went back in September that she will need "at least one day every weekend" for studying. DB is adamant that if she says she needs it then that's what needs to happen (he often works overtime at the weekend as income more stretched now that SIL is not earning). They have asked DM/me and her parents to take it in turns to have their 2 youngest at least one day every 2nd weekend (so a whole day of childcare every weekend by one of us).

My DF has a lot of health issues. I help with DF quite a bit, as they live in the "granny cottage" in our grounds. To be fair, DM does look after DD after school (dropped off by school bus then DM looks after her until I get home). I work full time, including weekends on occasion. DD has weekend activities and we also need family time.

My DM knows the person who used to run the course who says that the majority of work should be able to be done within the built in study time of the course. So she's either not studying efficiently/using the time allocated at college or is taking the piss.

I said I couldn't commit to anything regularly but would help out on occasions if I'm free- e.g. run up to exams. I just don't think it is realistic to expect childcare at least one day of a weekend every single weekend. It's just so presumptuous. DM agreed to help when she could, but also could not commit to every other weekend. This was met with something of a temper tantrum re not helping SIL to "improve" things for the whole family. A lot of pressure was put on DM and implied it was because of favouritism as she helps with my DD. This upset mum and I was really angry about it, as it's not the case and was very unfair on DM who does her best. It's a different situation and DM cannot do the same for them due to logistics (they don't live nearby). I do understand it may feel unfair, but sometimes it's just one of those things.

However, after this weekend I am inclined to tell them both to get stuffed completely. I agreed to help out this weekend as SIL had a "coursework deadline" . I collected DN Saturday afternoon to take DN and DD to a halloween event and bring him back Sunday PM. Her DM took their youngest for the weekend. When DN wanted to call home Sunday morning to speak to his mum, she was in bed (having a lie in according to DB). At 11am. And when I called to say we were setting off so would be with them at x time, teenage DN told me SIL was in town shopping with her mum (not grocery shopping). I later saw a FB update from the night before- DB and SIL were out with friends.

I'm pissed off- they are entitled to go shopping/go out with friends if they want to. But if they ask for childcare (at short notice) so SIL can do coursework then I don't think she should be going out/having a very long lie in/going on shopping trips during that time- she should be focussing on getting the work done. If it was only going to take a few hours, then she didn't need to ask for help for the entire weekend.

I've had enough and have said I won't be helping out in future. DB and SIL are furious and I've had DB yelling down the phone about wanting them to be "kept in their place". DM has had an earful too (I am guessing this is because DB/SIL have worked out that as I help with the collecting/dropping off if DM is looking after them, so if I won't help it may limit what she can do).

I don't think AIBU to say no- they've taken the piss one time to many and now they'll have to live with the consequences.

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 30/10/2017 19:54

i missed the bit where you also cook dinner for your parents every night. i think that is really helpful and kind. i see you and your parents having a reciprocal arrangement. your brother sees what you get but doesn't see what you put in.

herein lies the problem.

Original poster

jacks11 · 30/10/2017 19:55

Pictish

I don't get a say in what childcare DM does. She can do whatever she likes in terms of childcare. BUT the fact that DM or I have to collect and drop off as DB/SIL do not drive does mean I have to be free if she is going to do so (either to drive or to look after DF if DM is going to drive).

OP posts:

Goosegrass · 30/10/2017 19:55

Why don't you just admit you hate your DB and SIL and your're orchestrating it so that nobody helps them while putting the fault at their door. Why do you get to decide how your DM spends time with her other GC does your mum not have any say in this? You sound nasty and spiteful towards your DB

Are you the SIL baking addict?

Fishface77 · 30/10/2017 19:56

Fucking hell!
Seems to be lots of projection on this thread!
They live an hour away.
The OPs Df is ill.
Mum cares for OPs DD and op repays by doing any number of jobs etc. Reciprocal.
DB and DSIL take the piss and go out for a large amount of time when they have got childcare. So she's not studying like she says she wants to.

But because op gets free childcare it's all her fault.

MinervaSaidThar · 30/10/2017 19:57

My MIL lives over an hour and a half from me. If we need her to do school pick up she just needs notice the night before.

That's not the norm. You're very lucky to have MIL.

She comes every other weekend sometimes on public transport which takes her 2 hours. She'll either come on a Thursday night or Friday morning and stay till Sunday. We don't actually need the childcare but my MIL likes to do this so why can't your mum have a similar set up with your DB?

Your situation is different. MIL is staying with you, not providing childcare.

Living an hour away isn't much of an excuse really. You sound like you want your DM just to mind your children

Just because the travel is doable for your MIL doesn't mean it is the same for OP's DM. OP has explained that her DF needs care. It sounds like OP does a huge amount for her parents and the DB/SIL do nothing and yet want to add to DM's burden by leaving DC with her the whole day.

Original poster

jacks11 · 30/10/2017 19:59

baking
If we need her to do school pick up she just needs notice the night before.

Because my father has ill health (physical and early onset dementia). Among other difficulties, he cannot manage his medications (including insulin and anticoagulants) reliably and would not manage alone overnight/over a weekend. So if DM did what you suggest, I would also have to be free to look after DF. If DB/SIL want DM to spend more time doing childcare, then they need to do more to help with DF.

OP posts:

bakingaddict · 30/10/2017 20:03

How can I be I said my MIL comes every fortnight to me and stays from Thurs/Fri till Sunday. My MIL is a star and wouldn't look after my kids without doing similar for SIL if she had kids. She treats my DH and SIL very equally as it should be as a parent It just infuriates me attitudes like the OP, she has a beneficial arrangement but won't encourage their DM to extend a bit of help to her DB

Chattymummyhere · 30/10/2017 20:03

Why does she need so much study time if this weekend lie was a one off?

I went back to college with a toddler, got pregnant lost the baby, had surgery (not pregnancy related) and got pregnant again and still didn’t need or have extra child care apart from college days. I just studied/researched in the evening when dh could watch the toddler or he was asleep.

pictish · 30/10/2017 20:03

Not her fault. Just think if they want to ask for help they can...and the reason sounds fair enough to me. No one has to say yes. But they can ask.

MinervaSaidThar · 30/10/2017 20:04

So the DM is expected to make her way to her son's house even though she can't drive there and presumably the journey is hard for her?

OP is expected to drive DM to facilitate these childcare visits even though she has her own DC?

OP having her DM watch her DD for an hour a dat makes her selfish and spiteful even though she more than reciprocates by providing care for her parents and cooking evening meals?!

There's a helluva lot of projection on this thread.

Original poster

jacks11 · 30/10/2017 20:04

Baking

I didn't say she looks after DD at weekends when I'm working. I said she looks after her for an hour or so after school. Alternative plans are in place for 99.9% of the time when I have to work at the weekend. Because I recognise DM has enough on her plate.

OP posts:

Appuskidu · 30/10/2017 20:06

It just infuriates me attitudes like the OP, she has a beneficial arrangement but won't encourage their DM to extend a bit of help to her DB

Perhaps DB should try to help the mum with the diabetic dad with dementia before he starts slinging his childcare demands around!

Fitzsimmons · 30/10/2017 20:06

Baking the OP has made it pretty clear that it is not her stopping the DM from helping DB, but it's because DB does fuck all for their very poorly DF. Maybe if he stepped up a bit the DM would be more willing to help out.

StaplesCorner · 30/10/2017 20:07

How can the OP's Mum look after the brother's kids when they live so far away and in order to do so she'd have to leave the father who has dementia etc?

How

StaplesCorner · 30/10/2017 20:07

Sorry missed the ? but yes, just how?

bakingaddict · 30/10/2017 20:08

Well rather than post on here why don't you get together as a family and work out how you can all help each other rather than taking a high and mighty towards your DB and SIL. If you all communicate properly you might actually get somewhere

StaplesCorner · 30/10/2017 20:09

...attitudes like the OP, she has a beneficial arrangement but won't encourage their DM to extend a bit of help to her DB ... - this is madness! Are some people being deliberately obtuse? A beneficial arrangement? She helps her mum care for her dad with dementia!! ooo now there's a benefit we'd all like eh? And in return her mums minds her daughter after school as they all live in the same place.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 30/10/2017 20:10

bakingaddict You're really not reading what the OP is writing.

Her father has dementia and needs constant attention. Her daughter is dropped off at the grandparents' home for an hour a day. If the grandmother babysat for her son it would involve a couple of hours of driving and someone would have to be with her husband. That means the OP would have to sit with her dad so that her mum could babysit the other nephews/nieces. That's just crazy.

MinervaSaidThar · 30/10/2017 20:13

You're actually hairy handed goady fucker, aren't you?

bakingaddict · 30/10/2017 20:14

But often people are inclined to help when they have help in return otherwise it turns into a stand-off and nobody gets any help. If the DM goes for an overnight at OP's DB then maybe OP could have her DF over to stay at the main house. There will be a solution if all parties look for one

TheAntiBoop · 30/10/2017 20:15

but the db/dsil don't drive so can't get to help df

I feel sorry for the DM in all this - expected to either be caring for her DH or running round the country looking after grandchildren

eddielizzard · 30/10/2017 20:17

how about db comes over every other weekend to sit with his dad for the day so his mum can get a break?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 30/10/2017 20:17

YANBU couldn't the 16yo help out for a few hours at the weekend

THIS ^

I had to used to babysit 3 siblings from a younger age than this, almost every night and most weekends. While I don't for a moment suggest that it would be appropriate for their oldest to do this, a half-day babysittingonce a fortnight isn't out of the question, surely?

IvorHughJars · 30/10/2017 20:19

I'm doing a PhD and I have no one to take DS for a weekend. If I cope (and I do, barely) then your SIL will.

HouseworkIsAPain · 30/10/2017 20:21

The childcare your DM provides for you is in no way comparable - you make her dinner and help out with DF so she gets time to herself. This sounds like a mutually beneficial arrangement rather than favouritism.

If your brother wanted help, he could move closer and take on some of the caring responsibilities for your DF???

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