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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fed up with DB/SIL

148 replies

jacks11 · 30/10/2017 18:45

I've posted about them before. I don't think AIBU, but need a good rant. I am as annoyed with myself as anything.

DB/SIL have 3 children (aged 16, 7 and 1). SIL left her last job (before she was pushed) and did a year of college and after that quite quickly fell pregnant. Then went back to college after mat'y leave. She is a doing an access course. DB works full time, yet has to do most of the drop off/pick ups and running around as she is "too tired".

SIL announced (not asked) when she went back in September that she will need "at least one day every weekend" for studying. DB is adamant that if she says she needs it then that's what needs to happen (he often works overtime at the weekend as income more stretched now that SIL is not earning). They have asked DM/me and her parents to take it in turns to have their 2 youngest at least one day every 2nd weekend (so a whole day of childcare every weekend by one of us).

My DF has a lot of health issues. I help with DF quite a bit, as they live in the "granny cottage" in our grounds. To be fair, DM does look after DD after school (dropped off by school bus then DM looks after her until I get home). I work full time, including weekends on occasion. DD has weekend activities and we also need family time.

My DM knows the person who used to run the course who says that the majority of work should be able to be done within the built in study time of the course. So she's either not studying efficiently/using the time allocated at college or is taking the piss.

I said I couldn't commit to anything regularly but would help out on occasions if I'm free- e.g. run up to exams. I just don't think it is realistic to expect childcare at least one day of a weekend every single weekend. It's just so presumptuous. DM agreed to help when she could, but also could not commit to every other weekend. This was met with something of a temper tantrum re not helping SIL to "improve" things for the whole family. A lot of pressure was put on DM and implied it was because of favouritism as she helps with my DD. This upset mum and I was really angry about it, as it's not the case and was very unfair on DM who does her best. It's a different situation and DM cannot do the same for them due to logistics (they don't live nearby). I do understand it may feel unfair, but sometimes it's just one of those things.

However, after this weekend I am inclined to tell them both to get stuffed completely. I agreed to help out this weekend as SIL had a "coursework deadline" . I collected DN Saturday afternoon to take DN and DD to a halloween event and bring him back Sunday PM. Her DM took their youngest for the weekend. When DN wanted to call home Sunday morning to speak to his mum, she was in bed (having a lie in according to DB). At 11am. And when I called to say we were setting off so would be with them at x time, teenage DN told me SIL was in town shopping with her mum (not grocery shopping). I later saw a FB update from the night before- DB and SIL were out with friends.

I'm pissed off- they are entitled to go shopping/go out with friends if they want to. But if they ask for childcare (at short notice) so SIL can do coursework then I don't think she should be going out/having a very long lie in/going on shopping trips during that time- she should be focussing on getting the work done. If it was only going to take a few hours, then she didn't need to ask for help for the entire weekend.

I've had enough and have said I won't be helping out in future. DB and SIL are furious and I've had DB yelling down the phone about wanting them to be "kept in their place". DM has had an earful too (I am guessing this is because DB/SIL have worked out that as I help with the collecting/dropping off if DM is looking after them, so if I won't help it may limit what she can do).

I don't think AIBU to say no- they've taken the piss one time to many and now they'll have to live with the consequences.

OP posts:

Fruitcorner123 · 30/10/2017 19:27

saucyjack they dont need the childcare in order to work though do they? Perhaps if they are honest when asking for childcare DM might be able to help. They shouldn't be lieing about why they need it and i would only ask my Db (who works full time and has his own kids) to babysit for a full day at the weekend if it was really necessary. I wouldnt expect him to do it it would be a polite request.

Original poster

jacks11 · 30/10/2017 19:27

Why can't your mum have their kids on a set day and you put yours in tea-time club. How far away are they? How much help with DF do you manage if your working FT and weekends?

They live well over an hour away, more if traffic is bad. It's not possible for DM to do school collection etc- I understand that it may not seem "fair" but logistics mean it simply cannot be done in the way you suggest. As it is, my DD gets dropped off and is at theirs for an hour or so. She is 9 and doesn't really need a lot of supervision. I often make dinner for us all (either night before and heated up) or when I get back. I also do the shopping, help with housework/laundry and lots of other bits and pieces. I don't work every weekend! I try to give DM time to herself to do whatever she likes- e.g. going out for dinner with friends.

I accept because of distance DB and SIL cannot help out in the way I do. In turn, they need to accept that logistics mean DM cannot do lots of free childcare for them.

OP posts:

BewareOfDragons · 30/10/2017 19:29

I would definitely tell them to get stuffed. 'Kept in their place'. Pssshaw. What are they sniffing?

If they want to better themselves, then they need to sort it out for themselves. No one owes them anything. They are grownups who have children of their own, they need to act like it.

I would tell them in no uncertain terms that they need to hire a babysitter if they truly need the time they claim they do... and tell them they can pay for it themselves.

Belleoftheball8 · 30/10/2017 19:31

I to think there’s an imbalance and favourism for your dd being cared for by dm and they are wanting them same. My mil is the same with Sil baby whilst my dc get completely overlooked it would be lovely if we had some help, in the same way sil gets

MargeryB · 30/10/2017 19:31

If you don't want to help them then don't. You don't need to be all judgey about it.

Who does all their after school care - are their kids in day care all day too? If SIL is doing after school care she might struggle to study full time. If she's paying out for after school care she may feel resentful that you get that as a freebie and feel that you mum has favourites.

Original poster

jacks11 · 30/10/2017 19:31

pictish

Yes, I did a 2nd degree with a baby. It's bloody hard work. But that doesn't entitle you to take the piss when people help you out. Also, I didn't expect or ask anyone else to care for my child for a day every single weekend to let me study.

OP posts:

Maelstrop · 30/10/2017 19:32

16 year old is surely more than capable of looking after siblings for a bit? I think sil is taking the puss big time. Don't let her guilt you into more free childcare, she's just taking the piss. (You have 'grounds'?! Can I bring my pony and live with you??)

Fruitcorner123 · 30/10/2017 19:33

I may have missed this but why cant DB look after his kids while she studies? Does he work weekends?

Belleoftheball8 · 30/10/2017 19:33

But your dd gets granny to herself 5 days a week they are asking once every fortnight twice a month it’s not a lot in the grand scheme of things. Maybe it was their way of getting your smile to make time for their dc.

Ttbb · 30/10/2017 19:37

YANBU. When I am at university doing my on again offagain law degree I don't even need that much time to study.

bakingaddict · 30/10/2017 19:37

My MIL lives over an hour and a half from me. If we need her to do school pick up she just needs notice the night before. She comes every other weekend sometimes on public transport which takes her 2 hours. She'll either come on a Thursday night or Friday morning and stay till Sunday. We don't actually need the childcare but my MIL likes to do this so why can't your mum have a similar set up with your DB? Living an hour away isn't much of an excuse really. You sound like you want your DM just to mind your children

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 30/10/2017 19:38

It’s commendable that sil wants to study,and her dp supports her
However, it’s their responsibility to sort out childcare.the occasional help from family is okay if family fit,healthy,willing. Every weekend is a huge ask and imposition. They have a 16yo who should be helping out too

BUT I’d say it’s not your role to get over involved in what parents offer,as essentially they need to chose. And your brother is their child too, best avoid getting pulled into any sibling rivalries or competing

pictish · 30/10/2017 19:38

So you can ask for childcare...but she may not. Ok then.

Original poster

jacks11 · 30/10/2017 19:39

belle

That's fine, but if they want DM to spend more time with their children, they will need to do more to help out with DF. They do nothing- I understand as they don't live nearby and don't drive, so would be hard to so. But it works both ways.

I do understand that if you expect to match hour for hour, then yes DD gets more.

OP posts:

pictish · 30/10/2017 19:42

I don't think you get a say in what your mum chooses to do for your brother's family either. You benefit from her help with childcare. Bit rich for you to get snooty about this.

HundredMilesAnHour · 30/10/2017 19:43

It does sound a little one-sided in the OP's favour in terms of childcare but the SIL massively took the p*ss with the weekend. Hardly surprising that the OP doesn't want to play ball after that. And this whole being "kept in their place" is just bananas. Clearly there are chips on shoulders and some history, maybe jealousy here.

Belleoftheball8 · 30/10/2017 19:43

Spending time with your grandchildren and building up memories and a relationship should not come with conditions. Your DM clearly spends time with your dd but doesn’t do the same for her other grandchild which is totally unfair. Maybe if your DM was more hands on with her gc they might be more forth coming. We pulled away from pil because of favourism as dh had it our mil has made more of an effort and in return so have we.

Nanny0gg · 30/10/2017 19:44

bakingaddict So what is the OP's father, who is in ill health supposed to do whilst MiL goes off to look after cgi

Belleoftheball8 · 30/10/2017 19:45

Interesting aswell in most cases like this the daughter often gets help with childcare whilst the son and sil are left to get on with it

bakingaddict · 30/10/2017 19:46

Why don't you just admit you hate your DB and SIL and your're orchestrating it so that nobody helps them while putting the fault at their door. Why do you get to decide how your DM spends time with her other GC does your mum not have any say in this? You sound nasty and spiteful towards your DB

Ceto · 30/10/2017 19:50

People who keep going on about it being unfair that OP has more help with child care are missing the fact that she is helping out a lot with her DF. No doubt if DB and SIL were doing the same the picture would be different, but that's not going to happen, is it?

Original poster

jacks11 · 30/10/2017 19:51

Pictish

Yes, she can ask for childcare. I'm not saying she can't. But it has to be reasonable and taking into account the restrictions placed upon others by their caring responsibilities and the logistics involved.

In my opinion, an hour after school with little needing doing (and then having dinner made for you) is very different from having to drive for 1-1.5 hours there, same back and then look after for a whole day (or whole weekend) before doing a 3 hour round trip to drop them off. You realise that means 4- 6 hours of driving on one day, never mind the childcare itself? And caring for DF (meaning I will be looking after DF- so I have to give up my free time too). It's just not comparable.

OP posts:

bakingaddict · 30/10/2017 19:52

NannyOgg well depends on the level of ill health and to what extent. If the grandma is looking after OP's DD when she works weekends as she put in her opening post i'm assuming the DF doesn't need round the clock care

eddielizzard · 30/10/2017 19:52

so your mum helps you by looking after your dd for an hour or two every week day. in return you help with your dad doing shopping and other bits and bobs. this is likely to increase as your parents get older and since they live on your property you're going to end up taking up the slack.

otoh, your db does fuck all to help his parents. they want you all to muck in looking after their 2 little ones every weekend while he works and she studies.

the balance isn't looking good here. since they're also not doing what they say their doing but lounging around relaxing while you look after their kids i'd also not be happy about chipping in. i think you might need to point out to your db, that while you do get help, you also help a lot. ask him what he does.

Appuskidu · 30/10/2017 19:52

Yes, daughters do sometimes get more help than sons wrt childcare, but they often can also do far more looking after of elderly parents due to proximity.

Your b and SIL sound incredibly rude! Is there a back story here?

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