To think I'm out of control and dangerous

[deerandthemoon]

Being totally honest here, but I think I need practical advice not a kicking.

I keep losing it. I lose my temper and I want to scream and I take it out on myself, punching myself in the face and yanking my hair out.

Obviously, it doesn't "help" but it's quite calming in an odd way.

But anyway, it obviously must be frightening for children to witness.

I should probably step away shouldn't I?

Thanks

Have you tried medication? SSRIs can help massively with out of control anger and mood swings.

You sound like you are getting overwhelmed by everyday stresses. It might be a dopamine/neurotransmitter imbalance which could be corrected with medication. Please do speak to your GP, you don't have to go into detail if you don't want to.

When I had PND I used to rip out handfuls of my hair. It was a sort of release that helped me calm down when baby was crying for hours.

Another PP mentioned the headspace app. I don't know anything about it but it's something you could try on your own.
www.headspace.com/headspace-meditation-app

It would be good if you didn't feel alone with this, though, so please consider contacting Mind.

So this may not be around depression but around emotional regulation, and from what you’ve said possibly in relation to your experience as a child with your mum - you’ve developed coping mechanisms that helped you to survive then but aren’t working for you now. Borderline personality disorder - sometimes called emotionally unstable personality disorder - includes self harm in its criteria. I’ve recommended this book before, but Bessel van see Kolk The Body Keeps the Score is excellent for explaining the biology of these sort of reactions in relation to trauma, which can include a dysfunctional childhood. Dialectical behaviour therapy is often recommended, you can get a workbook. CBT is unlikely to be appropriate because it’s not about faulty thinking, it’s about the parts of your brain that perceive threats and regulate emotions being over-sensitive - these are reactions that happen much faster than you can think, and cannot be easily changed by thinking about it, although recognising what’s going on is helpful in choosing how to react to things. Some of the things that help longer term are positive relationships, including with a therapist possibly (do you have a local women’s centre that will provide this?), yoga, meditation, exercise - particularly things with others, and playing music, again particularly with others - there’s evidence that all these work to soothe emotions and build up more positive connections in the brain

DBT is excellent, and has a very good success rate in treating bpd.

If I may, the ‘no, I won’t’ response also sounds very familiar to me from my own mental health problems. It sounds like an expression of shut-down due to panic.
Same with the inability to express the problem to GPs etc.
FWIW, I have Aspergers, and have suffered from very severe depression. After some experimentation with medication, a wonderful GP, the input of a lot of mental health services, and a heck of a lot of person-centred counselling (not CBT), I am hugely well and happy, and able to deal with massive stressors in a way that I wouldn’t have believed possible. I now have tools to keep myself well, and tools to bring myself round from hard times (and am off the ADs). There is hope out there, and I wish you all the best in taking your own steps towards the light.

I don't think I have BPD.

See a different GP. Find one you trust a little.

I am also a self harmer, and have beat the shit out of myself on a few occasions it is a response to stress, sometimes I am fine for years and then sometimes I just don't cope and get so angry with myself. DH has no idea, I have always explained injuries as accidents I walked into a door My GP suspects I may have ASD, which would explain a lot of my issues.

Have a read about self harm and you may recognise yourself, dont think it is just about cutting, many self harmers hit themselves instead.

Speak to a GP again. Tell them you self harm when stressed. Yes, some GPs have never dealt with it before and I have also been looked at like > but its worth persisting until you find one that is able to help you.

Lots of good suggestions here, I think.

I understand where you're coming from. For probably 15+ years I've sometimes hit myself (or hit walls, or pulled my hair) when I'm feeling very frustrated / angry.

A couple of things that have helped me over the past few months (I was worried because, like you, I was sometimes hitting myself in front of the kids):

-> Counselling (I found a private, cheap church run but not religious organisation in my area)

-> "Self-compassion" -- I came across this idea and found it really helpful. Basically, you focus on comforting yourself and follow a three-part process:

1. Tell yourself that it's OK and understandable to feel how you feel ("This IS really hard; this IS frustrating", etc)
2. Remind yourself that you're not alone that other people face similar things (not to beat yourself up about "they have it worse" just to feel less alone)
3. Ask yourself what you need, right now, to feel better. For me, that might be punching a pillow, stepping out of a room, getting something to eat, or listening to some Metallica (I find metal very cathartic...!)

It's also helped me to think about my triggers. Low blood sugar is one: I can get the red mist rage very easily if I've not eaten enough. Hormonal contraception was another (I no longer use it). PMT was another.

Hope some of this helps. I think others are right that it'd be good if you could talk to someone (GP, Samaritans, etc) about it, but I completely understand how hard it can be to talk about. It took me about three sessions to even mention it to my counsellor. x

Summer this is the kind of thing the NHS counsellor was telling me about my anger/despairing reaction to things and I think OP if you can go through the process with NHS they might have some help.

I had to wait months for my initial assessment and they can’t offer me much now (as you say, only six sessions) but I was so impressed by how counsellor got to grips with my situation and suggested my body was reacting to trauma in the past. She is going to suggest some counsellors o can see (luckily I can do so privately for a while) but mentioned some that are training on NHS you can see. I was very impressed because previously felt NHS was very much a ‘CBT fits all’ mentality to mental health but this felt more nuanced.

I can shut down solutions at times but I hope you can get involved in something longer term which might make a difference over time.

I'm interested so many have mentioned ASD

I wonder if I do

OP it’s a great first step that you’ve recognised something is wrong. I know you’ve said you don’t want to go to or GP but you have some great suggestions here about going to a different GP or the Samaritans etc.

Please get some help

Why don't you take Vitamin B complex and Magnesium for the time being. I have always found that I have a much shorter fuse when I'm not taking Vitamin B and I have recently heard that Magnesium is also excellent.

And another suggestion: Why don't you check out Neurotics Anonymous. If you can get help there, it wouldn't cost you a thing.

To echo what’s been said above, I do notice that my body reacts to various triggers with sadness. So stress, tiredness, hunger and thirst can all be read by my body as ‘sad’. I now pause and say to myself, ‘do I really feel sad, or do I actually need to sit down and drink some San Pellegrino?’

Ok my first reaction was GO and ADs.
But I understand you don't want to.

My second idea would be to find a good acupuncturist.
Serioulsy, a good friend of mine struggled like hell with anxiety, panic attacks and huge 'irritability' etc... and this was a god send for her.
So maybe that would be a good way for you to calm down a bit and see what is really going on.

Third idea would be: could you change surgery and find another GP that would be more helpful whilst not knowing anything of what has happened before?

If you were on your own, then maybe you would have more time / scope to google stuff and not see any professionals.

But you have a partner and you have children. You say you may be a danger. Then stop being selfish and get to your gp or some other qualified professional. It’s not fair on your kids not to.

i agree that although vitamin B complex tablets might seem an annoyingly simplistic suggestion to a complex problem, they can work wonders for some women (me included) and are cheap, safe and can be implemented tomorrow.

I don't think I have BPD

No one ever does... :)
Self harm is a key component, as is emotional lability. Your responses and posts would certainly indicate you have many of the diagnostic criteria.

Anyway, internet randoms can’t diagnose you. That’s why you need to go to the doctor. BPD is treatable. DBT has great success.

ASD also needs specialist diagnosis. There are ‘how women manifest ASD’ checklists that got tossed around in these threads and they are so broad as to be meaningless.

You need to see a doctor. It won’t sort itself out.?

Btw, a quick comment about your title.

I really don't think you are dangerous to anyone at all.
For me, what you are describing is plain and simple self harm. That's also why it feels soothing.

So I wouldn't worry about you suddenly be a danger to anyone or to your dcs.

I do think that if you were going back to the GP saying that you are self harming and then describing how, you WILL get heard.

Hi OP. I haven’t had chance to read the whole thread but I’m having a bad time at the moment too and wanted to let you know that you’re not alone. In moments of absolute frustration and despair, I’ve slapped myself in the face. Not in front on the children (and I hope I never, ever do) but it does make me feel better for some reason. It’s a release when crying just won’t cut it. It sounds absolutely barmy, I know, but I do understand how you get to that point. I finally called my GP last week and although I’m a long way from sorted I feel relieved not to be pretending to be ok anymore.

BPD is often diagnoses when there has been a history of sexual abuse. The crossover is phenomenal.

Counselling will help you. You’re not bad. You can change your behaviour, manage your emotions better etc. If your children are witnessing this, that needs to stop. You have to find some way to stop it. You’re an adult, it’s your responsibility. You need to learn what happens before it’s full on red mist - what happens at “slightly irritated” or “really annoyed” before you hit “rage”?

Have you heard of complex PTSD? Its caused by complex trauma such as childhood abuse or neglect. It sounds to me like what you are having is an emotional flashback. It's not like classic PTSD where after you're triggered you remember everything that happened - you just experience the emotions from the traumatic event(s). Possibly or probably something you don't even remember happening. If your kids are small, you might be having a ramp up of these symptoms now because your kids are reaching the wage at which you first experienced trauma. I might be way off here, just going off your first couple of posts but it might be worth having a look at -
try Pete Walker's website, he's written a couple of books about it. Or PM me.

I should not have posted. But I am not going to my G.P.

I agree with the above. You should not have posted.

However, these words also show why you DO need to see a professional. You seem very angry.

Exactly what professional help were you expecting from MN? Miracle answers from unqualified (or qualified) people who cannot assess you from a distance...

You need to be ready to accept help - and you are not ready, even though you clearly need it.

OP I've done exactly what you have done, except I wasn't brave enough to post about it at the time. I also scratched my arms and face. Sertraline has made it manageable. I do suspect I have traits of bpd and I have the book 'the body knows the score.' It's very helpful.

I used to struggle with anger, OP (admittedly not to the extent you describe, but that's irrelevant). I had counselling. Counselling was amazing. I realised that my anger was trying to tell me something (that something was that I was being taken advantage of). I'd been too busy stuffing the anger down and feeling ashamed of it to realise what my emotions were trying to tell me. Once I learnt that, I was able to figure out what was wrong and take positive steps towards changing things, and the anger went away on its own.

Definitely go get yourself some counselling OP. It really helped me.