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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm out of control and dangerous

150 replies

deerandthemoon · 30/10/2017 14:20

Being totally honest here, but I think I need practical advice not a kicking.

I keep losing it. I lose my temper and I want to scream and I take it out on myself, punching myself in the face and yanking my hair out.

Obviously, it doesn't "help" but it's quite calming in an odd way.

But anyway, it obviously must be frightening for children to witness. Sad

I should probably step away shouldn't I?

OP posts:
Original poster
deerandthemoon · 30/10/2017 17:09

I get that, but you get to a point where you just can't.

OP posts:
OuchLegoHurts · 30/10/2017 17:11

Well it sounds like you're at a point when you'll just have to! It's not about you and what you want, it's about your children.

Domino20 · 30/10/2017 17:16

What springs to my mind is severe PMT. Is taken me until my 40s to realise how terribly I'm affected by hormonal changes. Lots and lots of rage! Do you take the pill? Could you bring yourself to go to a sexual health clinic and get on a pill to suppress your cycle? That way you're not seeing your GP but still being proactive? All the best x

Ginglealltheway · 30/10/2017 17:19

This post has been great for me. I'm the same, I bite myself and pull my hair out when I get in a rage. These responses have been really helpful.

Original poster
deerandthemoon · 30/10/2017 17:23

It's awful really Sad but glad it isn't just me.

I feel I can't accept help for the simple reason I can't express what's wrong. If I can't say what's wrong, I can't hope to start putting it right.

OP posts:
TerrifyingFeistyCupcake · 30/10/2017 17:29

I feel I can't accept help for the simple reason I can't express what's wrong

Part of the help can be figuring that out. And that's OK. Lots of people really struggle to articulate the "why" of all kinds of things they feel or do.

You have a pretty simple issue that you want and need help with - that you experience anger and frustration so intense that you self-harm in front of your partner and kids. That's enough for now. If you really feel that you can't access the GP, then the MIND self-referral route sounds like a good way to go. Or could you perhaps ask a friend or your partner to make the appointment, go with you and describe the issue? Then all you would have to do is go with them.

Itsonkyme · 30/10/2017 17:42

You don't need to tell them what's wrong.
You aren't the expert, they are!
Just tell them how you feel and what you do to yourself and they will take it from there.
They are used to these problems and used to solving them.
Get the help you need sweetheart!

LoniceraJaponica · 30/10/2017 17:46

"but you get to a point where you just can't."

Won't, not can't. Please try and listen to the posters on here who have given some good advice. Contact MIND - email them and tell them what you have written here.

Missingstreetlife · 30/10/2017 17:48

Is there a support group for people who self harm?

Original poster
deerandthemoon · 30/10/2017 17:49

I don't know but it wouldn't be for me. Just need to keep pretending it doesn't happen.

OP posts:
Woollycardi · 30/10/2017 17:53

I agree, you are minimising this and, with all due respect, please please think about what your kids are witnessing and how this will impact on them. I get the red mist too, and in the past it has controlled me, and I have felt anger that I never knew I had in me, but I am now, gradually, taking control back from that anger because I decided I do not want my kids to EVER feel like I did as a child, witnessing an adult completely out of control, because it scared the absolutely shit out of me and the repercussions of that have hit me full force at this point in my life. We are not trying to make you feel bad OP, but you know yourself, or you wouldn't have posted here, that our kids rely fully on us to be there emotionally for them, so we need to address this stuff within ourselves, we need to find ways to cope as we don't want them to witness our demons full force. They deserve better than that, you deserve better than that. Please get help. You don't have to live like this, you don't have to hit that rage full force and destroy yourself over it. Please keep writing, or ring someone, or hug your kids, or remember how precious our lives are and this is our one chance as parents. Take care.

StefMay · 30/10/2017 17:54

You seem to have expressed very well on this thread how you are feeling.

Just like any person - we don't get on with everyone.

This is the same with GPs - you can click with one GP over another an wonder why you didn't see them the first time!

Get someone to call your surgery for you and ask which GP is their mental health lead (they have to have one). This person is up to date on all the courses and help available and likely to have a special interest in this area.

Then call back and ask for an appointment with this GP and print off this thread and ask them to read it at your appointment. Ask for a double appointment - they can do this.

Posting to MN is not the answer. You will get to a point of crisis if you don't act now and then it could be too late.

Your GP is there to help and support you and they do care. Your GP was listening and when you have issues, sometimes you simply perceive everyone to be against you.

They are not. Take care.

YesThisIsMe · 30/10/2017 17:56

It does sound a lot like PMT. I know it sounds ridiculous to suggest that something so severe could be just hormonal, but it is possible, and if there's even a 5% chance that it's a simple physical cause with a manageable physical fix then you owe it to yourself and your children to give the doctors (or MIND) another go. Take a copy of your early posts from this thread.

Original poster
deerandthemoon · 30/10/2017 17:59

I've never had any problems with my periods, though, and I've just had one so today's wasn't PMT (it's not a ridiculous suggestion though.)

I don't like or trust the people who purport to 'help', so I won't engage, I know I won't.

OP posts:
Anatidae · 30/10/2017 18:03

Please give mind a call.

You Do at some point t need to go back to the GP, to rule out some of the possible physical causes of this behaviour. If that rules out anything bodily you can start to work with someone towards possible diagnoses - bpd springs to mind, but of course what you need is an actual professional to give you a thorough assessment. Once you have that you can start working on addressing it. Intensive dbt (not cbt) can work wonders for bpd for example.

LoniceraJaponica · 30/10/2017 18:05

"Get someone to call your surgery for you and ask which GP is their mental health lead (they have to have one). This person is up to date on all the courses and help available and likely to have a special interest in this area."

This is excellent advice

"I don't like or trust the people who purport to 'help', so I won't engage, I know I won't."

So don't post on here. Damage your children and damage your relationship then Hmm. Take your fingers out of your ears and stop singing lalala and take the above advice.

Original poster
deerandthemoon · 30/10/2017 18:08

I should not have posted. But I am not going to my G.P.

No

Not happening.

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 30/10/2017 18:08

A PP suggested 5HTP, as a herbal anti-depressant. Or St John's Wort is another one that can be good.
They'd take about a month to have effect, starting on a high dose, then cutting down as you start to feel better.

These things won't be a complete answer but could help to make your moods more manageable, and worth a try if you won't take up other suggestions on here.

Original poster
deerandthemoon · 30/10/2017 18:10

Thanks

It is very occasional

I don't really know what to do any more. I just feel exhausted.

OP posts:
Amme1234 · 30/10/2017 18:11

Having lived with someone who was similar you need to do something now.
There are lots of help services available, many pp's have listed them above. You are damaging your children, only you can decide if they are worth getting help for. Sorry to be blunt but your children need and deserve the best you can be and you wont even make a phone call or see a doctor for them. Walking away isnt an option, its not their fault and it will cause them just as much harm. I know its hard but you need to get some help, if you cant express it take this post with you, read it out over a phone call or send an email. I hope you get the help you need.

Mxyzptlk · 30/10/2017 18:13

Is your DH supportive? Or another relative or friend? Or are you trying to deal with it on your own?

Original poster
deerandthemoon · 30/10/2017 18:14

On my own. No one knows.

OP posts:
Anatidae · 30/10/2017 18:15

St. John’s wort has an interaction with some kinds of contraceptives- take with care and double up on condoms or another form of contraceptive while using.

Original poster
deerandthemoon · 30/10/2017 18:16

Thanks. Not currently on any meds so will see about SJW, I remember buying some ages ago but kept forgetting to take it Hmm

OP posts:
CamelliaSinensis35 · 30/10/2017 18:18

OK, don't go to the GP then, you stubborn mare. But do Google dialectical behavioural therapy and try out the techniques. It's about understanding and regulations your emotions. Your family and you deserve better than this. Best wishes.