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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm out of control and dangerous

150 replies

deerandthemoon · 30/10/2017 14:20

Being totally honest here, but I think I need practical advice not a kicking.

I keep losing it. I lose my temper and I want to scream and I take it out on myself, punching myself in the face and yanking my hair out.

Obviously, it doesn't "help" but it's quite calming in an odd way.

But anyway, it obviously must be frightening for children to witness.

I should probably step away shouldn't I?

OP posts:

Original poster

deerandthemoon · 30/10/2017 15:00

I do try not to rage in front of them, and it's not very frequent (not that I am excusing it) but obviously I know it must be awful.

Obviously I'm not going to go down the SS route.

Just need to get a grip on myself.

OP posts:

Rudgie47 · 30/10/2017 15:02

I felt like that when I was severely depressed as well. OP could you be depressed? If you think you might be I'd advise going to the G.P asap.Kind Regards.

BamburyFuriou3 · 30/10/2017 15:05

I don't think stronger self control will help. If it's like my mil it's not that sort of problem - it's more like an over control hung - you have to have every thing so locked down that when the slightest thing doesn't go "right" it must therefore be all your fault, and a lot of self blame and recrimination triggers an episode.
More self love, and a "fuck it, it'll do" attitude - an acceptance that nothing and no-one is perfect - would probably be more help, rather than thinking you need to lock yourself down more

ArcheryAnnie · 30/10/2017 15:11

Oh, OP - I get that antidepressants don't always do it, but would you be prepared to ask your GP to refer you for something like CBT, or other forms of counselling? It can be really useful. You are really hard on yourself, and you need sympathetic help.

itshappening · 30/10/2017 15:11

Which ADs have you tried? For how long in each case? What was the starting dose and how was it increased?

They vary a lot, two is not many to try. They can take weeks or months to kick in fully and your side effects may pass after a time. How the dose is controlled affects how you feel, you need to build up gradually and realise that while the dose is being altered you will get more side effects. Once at the desired dose give it time to work.

I am not advising them as a panacea or as an alternative to trying other ways to deal with your issues, but at this point you need something to help and they could.

pudding21 · 30/10/2017 15:22

I lived with someone who "raged" at silly things, I left him after 21 years because it was impacting on the kids.
Few things that "caused" his rage: built up anger and resentment he never dealt with (or even sees it as an issue), deep insecurities, anxiety and a alcohol problem. Only he can change it, just like you. My kids so far are not showing signs of the same behavior, but I left for their sake.

Keep a diary, go back to your GP, seek out some psychotherapy or CBT before its too late.

And someone else asked about hormones, I know a couple of women who "raged" turned out to be their contraceptive choice and are ok now.

Ceto · 30/10/2017 15:31

You refer to counselling, but I'm not clear whether you've tried it? And have you asked your GP to refer you to a psychiatrist?

Original poster

deerandthemoon · 30/10/2017 15:34

Last time I went to see the G.P. she just sat and stared at me as I falteringly tried to explain, and I couldn't, so I just got up and walked out. I haven't been back since, and I won't go back.

Don't have available funds for anything private.

Sorry to be a dick. I posted on here in the first flush of me bashing myself, I have taken a coupe of paracetamol and I'll be ok.

OP posts:

Anatidae · 30/10/2017 15:37

She was listening to you.

Go back. Show her this thread if you must.

If you don’t, nothing will change and that’s not an option is it? It’s hard to ask for help. You still have to go it

Original poster

deerandthemoon · 30/10/2017 15:39

Honestly, Ana, no, she couldn't have been any more plain that it was a massive waste of time. And I get that, she's a busy person.

OP posts:

Anatidae · 30/10/2017 15:42

No gp would tell a patient who is self harming they are wasting time. Maybe she just has some resting bitch face happening.

You need to access help - try MIND but your GP is the gatekeeper to a lot of things.

Original poster

deerandthemoon · 30/10/2017 15:43

Yes, I know, but I am not going back.

OP posts:

pudding21 · 30/10/2017 15:46

deerantthemoon: why did you even post? You are minimising now. Sure a couple of paracetamol makes it all better.

You are blatantly not going to seek help for it, just hope your children don't have to when they are older. Sorry to be blunt, but smashing yourself in the face and yanking your hair is NOT normal.

Ceto · 30/10/2017 15:47

Nothing will change unless you go back to the GP. If necessary, ask to see someone else in the practice. Honestly, leaving won't solve the problem - if anything, it will get worse and you could end up becoming seriously ill.

user1497997754 · 30/10/2017 15:47

I understand how you feel .....I cut all my hair off last time I felt this inner rage....what helped me was to just take sometime out for MYSELF by just doing something I enjoyed that didn't include anyone else so I could just concentrate on ME.....don't run off it will not solve anything and just make things much worse. Be kind to yourself....life is sometimes overwhelming with everything and me being a people pleaser find it so difficult to put myself first but you really need to otherwise you start feeling insignificant. It also helps me to say NO to things I don't want to be involved in especially the whole family stuff with everyone's high expectations. Thinking of you give yourself a big hug and remind yourself that you are worth so much more than hurting yourself.

Ttbb · 30/10/2017 15:47

You need medical help.

Original poster

deerandthemoon · 30/10/2017 15:50

I know pudding, I was wrong to do so. I posted in the aftermath of it happening and in shock I reached out to someone, anyone. I was wrong to do so here. Mumsnet is not really a suitable place and now I am calmer I recognise this.

user I cut my hair when I was little and raging against myself once too

I really don't feel able to return to the G.P. But will bear in mind if things escalate.

OP posts:

loveinanelevator · 30/10/2017 15:51

I know counselling has been mentioned on here, also that it is limited to only 6 sessions. This is not true of all agencies. I don’t know your area, but if you search for iapt services you can self refer. In this instance somebody will call you to arrange to have a phone consultation, following that a recommendation will be made to you on what they feel would be of benefit to you. I must stress that this is not always limited to the 6 sessions, there is always an option to extend if the need arises.

I’m sorry you are having such a hard time OP, I can’t imagine how frustrated you feel.
If returning to see your gp is not an option for you for whatever reason then please consider what I have suggested.

I hope you are okay.

ButtMuncher · 30/10/2017 15:51

I'm sorry, but you need to go back. Your children should not be witnessing this otherwise you risk them developing the same coping mechanisms for their future. You must seek to stop this now, as hard as it is, and as futile as it seems sometimes. It stems from something and you need to be given time by your DH and family to work out what it is and why it is happening.

Figure out your triggers and work backwards. Why do they happen? When do they happen? What do they make you feel? At what point when processing the emotion do you feel the anger rise?

ButtMuncher · 30/10/2017 15:52

Also - cognitive analytical therapy may be better for you than CBT as it seeks to understand the relationship behind the trigger and the emotion.

Kleinzeit · 30/10/2017 15:58

You don't need to leave. That would be wrong, and also unkind to your children.

You really do need to speak to your GP once again. It might take all the courage you have to do it but if you can bear to try then do have another go. Even print out your first post and take it to the GP and hand it over. And ask to be referred to a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist. That would be brave and kind to your children.

Getting intensely frustrated and hitting youself in the face for relief could be a sign of a lot of different issues, some scary, some not so bad. I see that someone else has mentioned autism - it's what I thought of too. Your mother might even have had it, it can run in families, and a lot of GPs don't know that much about it though. It does sound as if you need some kind of diagnosis, something to say is it hormonal or autism or psychological, and a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist would be best placed to do that, which is why you need a referral. Drugs or a counsellor or therapist might not help you much until you know what's causing this behaviour.

Once you have a better idea why this is happening you might also need to learn some alternative thing to do to relieve your feelings, rather than hitting yourself. And whether it's autism or not, you're definitely not a dick.

Itsonkyme · 30/10/2017 16:44

Hi deerandthemoon.
Just been on to my daughter at work, she's a HV and is used to helping young Mums with all sorts of prob!ems. I've to!d her you won't go to Dr. as you found it too difficult last time.
Here's what she's texted me:
Tell her to call MIND and they will tell her how to self refer in her area. Different everywhere. 03001233393.
They should ring you back pretty quickly and be honest about what's happening and they will help you.

Hope this helps babe, you need to sort this out, for you and your little family.

Original poster

deerandthemoon · 30/10/2017 16:57

You've all been very lovely.

I will have a think.

I'm so sore now

OP posts:

MrTurtleLikesKisses · 30/10/2017 17:05

Sorry, I haven’t read the full thread, but I had similar rages/“red mist” type moments for months and months. I went to the GP and he suggested the Headspace app.
Best. Thing. I. Ever. Did.
Ten minutes every day. It takes a while to really make a difference but you can change the way your brain responds to things.

Mittens1969 · 30/10/2017 17:08

I’ve heard good things about MIND, my DB has received help from them, he has serious MH problems. I would definitely recommend them, they’re there to help you.

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