To think I'm out of control and dangerous

[deerandthemoon]

Being totally honest here, but I think I need practical advice not a kicking.

I keep losing it. I lose my temper and I want to scream and I take it out on myself, punching myself in the face and yanking my hair out.

Obviously, it doesn't "help" but it's quite calming in an odd way.

But anyway, it obviously must be frightening for children to witness.

I should probably step away shouldn't I?

This is something I do (though haven't for a while).

Turns out I'm autistic.

Meds, my diagnosis, and an ASD friendly CBT therapist have helped loads- traditional CBT wouldn't have helped so much but we looked at things like triggers, stress relieving techniques and self care.

Yes, I know, gamer, that's what I am so worried about.

I really can't go to my G.P., I've been several times and they must think I am ridiculous.

Thanks, though. Sorry for such a morose OP. I just can't keep trying to access non existent support and in the interim my kids are learning through me

Wondered about ADD actually , and ADHD and various personality disorders!

Could you talk to us then?
Do you think your mother or childhood is linked to what is going on now?

I'm sorry but for your kids you have to go to the GP and get this sorted. They will not think you are ridiculous and so what if they do, far worse for your kids to grow up damaged from this.

You're impacting your DCs no matter what you do. If you continue like this, then it impacts them. If you leave, then it impacts them. The way to make it a positive impact, is to seek help. If you're refusing to go to your GP then make an appointment with a counsellor.
I do think the GP would be better. There is support available. You need to access it and stop indulging in some self-indulgent fantasy where you leave and your DCs lives improve. The reality is that if you leave, they blame themselves and have abandonment issues.

Have you told your GP exactly what you have said on here? Have you told them how it is impacting your children?

Honestly, even if you go to your Gp there is very little support and you'll be waiting a long time. Worth getting on the waiting list though, cbt could be an option.

Have you got funds for private cbt or counselling? Could you call 'mind' or a similar charity for advice?

Your GP won't think you are ridiculous, He / she is there to help people like you and me. Injured foot, infured mind, doesn't matter. Please think again about telling them what you've told us. There are things they can do, put in place to help you.

If you don't want to see your regular GP, you could see a different GP, either at the same surgery or at a walk-in centre. You could also look into self-referral to mental health services in your area, but I don't know how this works.

Don't "step away" as in move out, but when you're about to lose it, "step away" into another room to calm down.

Why don't you seek some private councilling it may help you uncover why your having these rages.

Please please get some help from somewhere don't just walk out on your family.

Problem is, it isn't conjunctivitis or something where it's sorted after a short course of treatment.

I've been to my G.P. and quite honestly I might as well have spent the prescription money on chocolate for all the good it did. I saw one nurse practitioner who was good but the G.P.s themselves, well, they can't do much can they. Counselling that you have to wait a year for and then six sessions or Ads, which I hate.

So here we are I'm not trying to be self indulgent, I'm just trying to limit damage.

Bit off kilter, but are you on hormonal contraception?

I got the rage on it

Have you taken a look at the Overcoming self-help books? Eg Overcoming Low Self Esteem. Take a look at one that suits you (anger, maybe). They're recommended by the NHS. Counselling is expensive and hard to access, but actually maybe you would find it easier to get the NHS referral given the position that you are in

See if your area offers anger management assistance

I really can't go to my G.P., I've been several times and they must think I am ridiculous.

It’s their job. It’s what they do. You’re in a crisis - it’s not trivial. Annoying is demanding antibiotics for a sniffle, or being verbally abusive. It’s not a patient with a serious issue who has been several times (incidentally patients who have a mental issue often donpresent several times with physical complaints. It’s called somatising and it’s a way or expressing pain in an ‘acceptable’ (physical) way.

Please, call your GP and tell them you’re self harming in response to stress.

If you don't want to go to your GP, could you google mental health services in your area? I like in the countryside, and we don't need a GP referral to access help, I can just get in touch myself. Or alternatively could you afford to seek help privately to get a diagnosis as a starting point?

I really don't think you should leave your family, as pp have said you're harming yourself not your family. I would seek help as soon as you feel able to though.

I have. Had a long conversation with them, got given Ads, couldn't function, tried another type, couldn't function.

I'm not on hormonal contraception but I have been in the past and I was awful !

Anyway, I just need to try to control myself but I hate how I feel after I've gone for myself, sort of drained and shaken.

IDK what you childhood was like, but it sounds like you picked up anger and self harm habits as a coping mechanism - these are sometimes called 'fleas'.
Theres some general info about fleas here;
outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/fleas

If you were raised by a narcissist theres an excellent self help Reddit with loads of info and support here;
www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks

If thats not your exact problem, theres probably a group somewhere online for you, so you can use it as a starting point.
Your kids are not better off without you, they are better off with a healthy, non self harming you. If you cant do it for you, do it for them.

Does another adult live in your house with you? Social services might be the way to go if your kids are at risk of seeing these outbursts.

How many ADs have you tried? They’re really varied in effect and how individuals tolerate them.

Putting my stern hat on ‘I’ve tried everything’ is NOT a response you can use here - if it’s affecting your kids you’ve GOT to do something.

Life isn’t getting any simpler or easier - it’s full of stressors. What you need is ways of coping with it. Ads are a tool, not a cure all, but they are a valuable tool.

Dbt- have you asked GP about that? Any charities operating locally that offer it?

My mil does this. Although obviously it's traumatic for her it is also very disturbing for others to witness, and when my then 2yo witnessed it she was upset for weeks if not months by it.
My personal opinion would be that if your kids are already witnessing it on an ongoing basis the best thing for them would be to see you deal with it, and lots and lots of open talking about it. Probably counselling.
When I first saw it I was horrified that o had let her have some care of my child. She has never since been left in sole care - which causes some difficulties such as now when I've got flu but can't just slope upstairs for a nap and leave her with them.
Can you make sure you are not alone with them at trigger points maybe?

You're not alone! I get the rage too and turn it on myself. I've done some bad things in front of my dd like tearing at my arms and hands and banging my head against the door. Stating the obvious but to protect them whilst you get this sorted out you need to find a way to be apart from them if you're going to do it.

I had really bad PMT and didn't get on with ssri drugs. 5HTP is a sort of herbal supplement and really worked for me. Might be worth giving it a go.

There is help for you. Yes of course it’s affecting your kids but you want it to change and that’s the first step. You may need to see a psychiatrist privately. It’s not cheap but you are the most important thing for your kids. Please look for some private recommendations in your area. There are LOTs if treatment options but the NHS is shit at mental health. Once you get a diagnosis and a treatment plan that works (you will likely need to try various things) The NHS might offer it to you. Or you pay. A properly qualified psychotherapist could be a place to start too.

Sounds a bit like a meltdown. Maybe keep a diary - look for triggers. Forget about the "I have to try and control myself" bit - if you can't, then it's because you can't. Obviously this doesn't absolve you from anything - just means that you need something more than 'trying harder'. Could there be a sensory component? Does it happen more when you have been socialising a lot? Is it related to your cycle? Try and treat these outbursts as a symptom, rather than a character defect. How are you physically? Could you be deficient in anything? It's always good to explore potential physical causes too.