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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday Conundrum - AIBU/WWYD?

151 replies

trojanpony · 29/10/2017 15:36

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months. While fairly new, we are in a committed relationship. We are late 20s/early 30s. Prior this we have both been single for 2 years+
He is an absolutely wonderful boyfriend - we are very much in love.

Before meeting me he planned a "dream holiday" with 2 friends, both female (A+B). it is a two week holiday, but he will stay a third week working in the local office there. Both of us weren't looking forward to spending this much time apart but c'est la vie!
FULL DISCLOSURE: One of the friends (A) has previously made passes at my boyfriend - the feelings were not requited by him and he says she is over this now.

Through a twist of fate I am now being sent on business to this destination at the same time - I have never been but it's on my bucket list...

He discussed this with the friends they seemed happy/okay with it. I also spoke to Friend A, she was effusive and said I could help with the driving to the vineyard region. friend (B) was happy whenwe spoke as it would make it cheaper (4 way split, not 3).
I was mindful this is their holiday, not mine, and was clear I'd go with the flow/itinerary.

Last week the work trip was confirmed. The plan was I would join them for the second week (the vineyard leg of the holiday).

My boyfriend just told me he had spoken with them this morning and now they are "uncomfortable with me joining them" as they thought it would be the week they were in the city (that would have been fine apparently).
But the vineyard leg is "more confined" and the car journey "might be weird".

Sorry if it doesn't make sense it's all I could remember, I was so shocked I didn't process much after this. :(

The upshot being.... he is going with them...and I am not. And he's sorry.
Things ended awkwardly. Work flights are being booked on Monday but at least he told me now so I can process it today.

Mostly, I feel very very foolish and upset (several friends knew about this he discussed it with them, as did I).
But on another level, I can't help but feel he had/has other options? I haven't said this to him as he has made his choice and I think he feels obligated to them.

AIBU to be very upset and feeling delicate and a bit let down?

And WWYD? Go on holiday on your own or cancel the week's annual leave?

The annual leave is approved but I am not confident to "go solo" as it's a slightly dangerous country. I have a work friends who lives in that city and she is v friendly so could show me around a bit...?
It just feels weird to be going on holiday to the same place and not be on holiday together?!

Any/all advice welcome... I'm feeling delicate so go easy...

OP posts:
SweetCrustPastry · 30/10/2017 02:14

Oh dear it all sounds very upsetting.
He wants all the girls to like him. and can't understand that it's a bit in your face for the friend who fancies him. and now that he's realised that he's probably a bit embarrassed to have drawn it to everyone's attention - and possibly a bit concerned about the whole holiday.

I think you've had a lucky escape from what could have been a very tense week. If you have a friend in SA you can go climbing with that seems like a far better use of your leave.

grannysmiff · 30/10/2017 06:32

You absolutely should mot have discussed this with his flatmate. What were you thinking???

ScarletSienna · 30/10/2017 06:48

Granny, she’s already addressed that and said she shouldn’t have.

Noimbrianfromhull · 30/10/2017 06:50

It's really possible to make a pass at someone when you're both single and not be completely in love with them to the point you'd try and break up any relationship they get into! His flatmate sounds like she likes a bit of drama.

I wouldn't be happy if a new gf or bf wanted to crash my holiday but I might just think it would be fine if you're just in the same city because the two female friends can just plan to see a different attraction on their own the next day or go shopping or decide to have a night in if they want to or even go off individually. You don't have to be in each others pockets.

But a week of lots of hours of driving in a car with 2 lovebirds? When you're sharing transport so do have to be together all the time and can't go off and do your own thing if the lovebirds are annoying or the dynamic feels weird?

No.

Alicetherabbit · 30/10/2017 06:59

Forget vineyards and do a safari instead. He should've been upfront so you didn't get hopes up. But you are going to have some many more holidays. Enjoy time in SA it's a beautiful country

JaneEyre70 · 30/10/2017 07:23

I think you've put an awful lot of pressure on a very new relationship, and quite understandably his friends have reacted to the change in the dynamic by saying no they aren't comfortable. He's in a horrid situation between you all and I'd personally cancel my leave so I came straight home after work. These are people that he's known for years and you've come across as a total bunny boiler in wanting to join them all after the convenience of being sent to the same place for work. You have a lot of ground to make up with these friends now, as well as your BF if you're going to be in his life long term.

Original poster
trojanpony · 30/10/2017 07:54

Small update: I FaceTimed him last night and we had a good chat. I reassured him it would be all be fine and not to get stressed about it. (It's a bit of a first world problem anyway) I have decided I'll still go so told him I had done some research and it's all for the best really as going on safari and hiking/climbing are more top of my to-do list anyway.
I just want him to be happy and relaxed and to enjoy his holiday told him it was part of my evil master plan pure coincidence I was there anyway so he should stick to his plans and have a great time!!!

From my end feel much more "okay" with the situation and my holiday plans going forward. I agree with the poster who mentioned going with them might have been a bit of a car crash... so I may have dodged a bullet in that respect. But as I mentioned previously it was not me who suggested this in the first place!!!

Thanks to everyone who posted it's useful to get different perspectives....

FWIW I'm still dreading next Saturday... Confused

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 30/10/2017 08:14

I bet the friends (and probably DP) are probably going to be half-expecting you to unexpectedly turn up at some point on the holiday now! So much for their dream holiday. He'll be feeling guilty the whole time & they'll be looking over their shoulder in case you're lurking.

Trafalgarxxx · 30/10/2017 08:26

Why???
The OP has to go to SA for work. It's not something she can change nor can she change the date.
She is living her life, going to do something completely different than what they are doing (with a friend of hers?).
So why would they expect her to turn up? SA is a pretty big country!

It would be like saying they are going away in England and she is going away for work somewhere in England too so they expect to bump into each other!

grannysmiff · 30/10/2017 08:39

Well done OP good work!!!

Why are you dreading Saturday? Must have missed that part

Original poster
trojanpony · 30/10/2017 08:53

Hahahaha! He'd be delighted if I did bump into him... but the chances of that are nil. So friend A and B can sleep easy Wink
They'll be slurping wine in vineyards somewhere and I'll be up a tree with a giraffe or huffing and puffing my way up a mountain....

Saturday is a dinner party which they'll both be at...

OP posts:
grannysmiff · 30/10/2017 09:01

Dont worry, keep it breezy, dont be overapologetic and also dont go into it very much

Bekabeech · 30/10/2017 09:27

Trafalgar - except England underestimates the size, more like OP is going to London and now Scotland and they are going to Milan.

LolaTheDarkerdestroyer · 30/10/2017 09:45

I’m not going to lie... I would be a bit worried. I also don’t think it’s a “coincidence” about you and work.it comes across a bit stalker like and that’s probably what his friends are thinking!

I do think it’s silly you will be in the same country and not see each other whether his friends like it or not if he cares that much he would see you.

GnomeDePlume · 30/10/2017 09:57

You haven't been unreasonable. I guess some of the dynamic of the friendship group has been based on him being single. Now he is in a relationship that dynamic is changing. Encourage your BF to enjoy the holiday but I wouldn't be surprised if it marked the end of an era for that friendship group.

Doesn't mean they won't still be friends just that it won't be the same.

sweetbitter · 30/10/2017 10:58

It all sounds quite awkward, no one stands out as being hugely unreasonable...it's a bit off that they decided they didn't want you along after having initially said OK, but at the same time I imagine that like a lot of posters here they didn't believe that it was really just a coincidence you were sent to SA for work that very week.

Sounds like you are just smoothing things over now which is the right thing to do IMO, no taking the awkwardness of the situation back but you just have to try to make the best of it.

JennyHolzersGhost · 30/10/2017 18:40

Cape Town is a two hour flight from Johannesburg btw. So it’s not as if they will be in the same place.

bluebird3 · 05/11/2017 10:42

How was the dinner party last night OP?

Flomper · 05/11/2017 10:48

camt they have their 2 week holiday, youndo your training, then you meet up with him in the third week when the friends have gone home? Thats what I would do. I think you're being a bit needy.

Original poster
trojanpony · 05/11/2017 13:42

Update:
We went. I found it absolutely exhausting to be honest but I think It went fairly well/as well as it could have.
We ended up sat next to them for the meal which wasn't idea. they didn't mention it AT ALL and l just got on with it... lots of nodding and smiling and also spoke with some of his other friends.

It also transpired during the week my boyfriend spoke with some of his other friends (different friendship group) he didn't go into detail but I guess(?) they were a bit shocked by both friends A and B and his response to me. I say that as he met me before the dinner and apologised for how he handled it and thanked me for being understanding/making such an effort with them/ being a nice girlfriend which I appreciated.

I'm in the throws of making my own plans so not that bothered by it now - my friend is taking some time off so I am doing safari then Meeting her In Cape Town - it was a weird situation but I think I handled it fairly well...

OP posts:
DonnaHaywood · 05/11/2017 14:24

I think you handled it really well too OP, well done Smile

TheweewitchRoz · 05/11/2017 14:36

Just read your thread Op - I think you’ve handled it very well (& FWIW, I much prefer your holiday plans to theirs!).

If you guys are still together by the time the holiday comes round, I bet he’ll be seriously pissed off with himself that you’re not joining him for that week.

lurkingnotlurking · 05/11/2017 14:46

Wondering what the sleeping arrangements are... Am I the only one?

Original poster
trojanpony · 05/11/2017 15:31

awww thanks guys
I'll definitely be treating myself to a spa day while I'm out there! And think ultimately it's worked out for the best (for me at least - can't wait for safari) Grin

urkingnotlurking the girls are sharing a room and he has his own they've got 2 bedroom airbnbs

OP posts:
BewareOfDragons · 05/11/2017 15:41

Sounds like you've handled it all with class, your DH has realized this and feels embarrassed about his friends. As for his friends A and B, I'm fairly certain they probably know they behaved badly and that you've come out in a better light than they.

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