Holiday Conundrum - AIBU/WWYD?

[trojanpony]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months. While fairly new, we are in a committed relationship. We are late 20s/early 30s. Prior this we have both been single for 2 years+
He is an absolutely wonderful boyfriend - we are very much in love.

Before meeting me he planned a "dream holiday" with 2 friends, both female (A+B). it is a two week holiday, but he will stay a third week working in the local office there. Both of us weren't looking forward to spending this much time apart but c'est la vie!
FULL DISCLOSURE: One of the friends (A) has previously made passes at my boyfriend - the feelings were not requited by him and he says she is over this now.

Through a twist of fate I am now being sent on business to this destination at the same time - I have never been but it's on my bucket list...

He discussed this with the friends they seemed happy/okay with it. I also spoke to Friend A, she was effusive and said I could help with the driving to the vineyard region. friend (B) was happy whenwe spoke as it would make it cheaper (4 way split, not 3).
I was mindful this is their holiday, not mine, and was clear I'd go with the flow/itinerary.

Last week the work trip was confirmed. The plan was I would join them for the second week (the vineyard leg of the holiday).

My boyfriend just told me he had spoken with them this morning and now they are "uncomfortable with me joining them" as they thought it would be the week they were in the city (that would have been fine apparently).
But the vineyard leg is "more confined" and the car journey "might be weird".

Sorry if it doesn't make sense it's all I could remember, I was so shocked I didn't process much after this. :(

The upshot being.... he is going with them...and I am not. And he's sorry.
Things ended awkwardly. Work flights are being booked on Monday but at least he told me now so I can process it today.

Mostly, I feel very very foolish and upset (several friends knew about this he discussed it with them, as did I).
But on another level, I can't help but feel he had/has other options? I haven't said this to him as he has made his choice and I think he feels obligated to them.

AIBU to be very upset and feeling delicate and a bit let down?

And WWYD? Go on holiday on your own or cancel the week's annual leave?

The annual leave is approved but I am not confident to "go solo" as it's a slightly dangerous country. I have a work friends who lives in that city and she is v friendly so could show me around a bit...?
It just feels weird to be going on holiday to the same place and not be on holiday together?!

Any/all advice welcome... I'm feeling delicate so go easy...

And they also said it would be good if the holiday was split 4 ways. Obviously just agreeing in principle. But that isn't the same as the OP coming to them with firm plans.
Her work only confirmed dates week so the friends have only had that long to seriously consider the logistics.

If you were good friends - you would be wise to include the gf, otherwise the op will not be quite as inclusive as the friends may like going forward. And the op will be in a position to exclude the friends easily if the relationship continues.
For eg. The op is unlikely to say lets go to a festival with the two friends again. It will be let's go on our own.

I mean this in the kindest way possible - Given your transcript of your last conversation, it really does sound to me as though it’s your boyfriend that doesn’t want you to go....? He seems very vague on the reasons. Merit?!?!?! WTAF?!

Ahhhh come on guys!

I have to stand up for BF he is getting a lot of stick for being upset too. He didn't "cry like a baby" his voice broke a bit and he was choked up because he knew how much I was looking forward to it and was upset that I was upset!
To date in our relationship he has consistently demonstrated he cares for me and my happiness a lot, but he has not had many serious relationships so this is new territory for him.
I really think he fumbled it a bit on this one (hoping he realises this and starts making it good with them and me) but one of his best and perhaps sometimes more annoying qualities is how much he cares about other people's feeling and sees the best in everyone.

In other news...
His housemate (FH) was messaging me today (we hit it off and socialise on our own sometimes so were making plans...) and I gave her my update. she was
Her view is friend A is likely the driver and still likes him. I was neutral and said I'd speak to him later.

reflecting on that, my BF has alluded to the fact that Friend A and another friend (friend C?) are used to him being single and "there for them" and he doesn't want them to feel abandoned At the time I just shrugged and said well I'm in the same boat with my friends...? (We honestly socialise a lot with both my friends and his)

Now I am wondering if I should be more mindful going forward about both her behaviour and above how he prioritises me within his life?

Thing is, if it's such a good relationship, the friends will naturally fall by the wayside

What? Surely good relationships involve both parties maintaining separate friendship groups?

Do the dates match up so that you could see each other one night while you are both in SA?

It’s only been five months. I’m sure he’s lovely, but live your life. Also, I’d stop talking to his housemate about him. It will only make you read too much into everything.
Make your own plans for this holiday. Perhaps try a weekend away with him somewhere and see whether you guys are compatible as travel companions. Regard A with a wry eye but don’t get too fixated on her - ultimately if the relationship doesn’t work out it’s because of him, not her.

Protectingmydaughterfromfilth
hahahha! Yes I wanted to laugh out loud and say this isn't debate club when he dropped that gem.
But I don't agree he doesn't want me to go, he is a bit of people pleaser and I think he is just totally out of his depth and floundering.

So your BF has possessive female friends who he doesn't like to say no to, and one of them has designs on him
Good luck managing your relationship going forward 😁

We have already been on a weekend away (both of us organised different bits of it). It was really very nice, we had a fantastic time - if anything he was more effusive about it then me when talking about it after. so I think he likes me/still wants to go on holiday with him. He wants to go away next summer and I said it's too soon to plan anything and we could talk nearer the time.

And I agree with the advice - thank you. I realised talking to the housemate was not a good idea - it was a moment of weakness once i found some willpower I kept it neutral and changed the subject....

Also agree if it doesn't work it's based on him 100% she is totally peripheral to this and if this becomes a pattern it will be a deal breaker for me.

Take the extra week stay in JBurg. You could go and do some charity work. There are some amazing charities one in particular which runs an amazing orphanage on the out skirts of JBurg. If you have business in SA there is no better way to support the community.
Not only will get a lot from it but you will come out the better person.
PM if you want details of the charity.
Alternatively go on an escorted tour. You have gone all that way enjoy the region.

Time for a new boyfriend.

My husband would definitely change his plans to allow me on the holiday. Also his friends would 100% welcome me on the holiday

Pidgeon but he’s not the OPs husband...... it’s her boyfriend of five months!

If you’d been planning a holiday with your two best friends for years then when it was booked one of them turned round and said they wanted to bring their new fella along, you’d be ok with that? Really?

Time for a new boyfriend.

Oh piss off. This is hardly grounds for LTB despite how much that's MN favourite resolution to everything. The OP has been a good-egg here and realised how this situation could be interpreted by all involved.

It all sounds really clingy.

You talk independently to his friends like they are your friends.
You’ve started socialising with his house mate on your own
You feel the relationship With the house mate is strong enough you can bitch or gossip about his friends to them.
You’re going to be where they are on holiday at the exact same time. At odds of what must be a billion to one.

It all sounds a bit stalkerish or at the least a bit controlling. It’s only been five months.

Op are you older than him and this group of friends?

Your explanations are plausible, but still, still, your actions would be discomfiting for me and i suspect many others.

If you’d been planning a holiday with your two best friends for years then when it was booked one of them turned round and said they wanted to bring their new fella along, you’d be ok with that? Really?

Totally. Ain’t nobody likes that,

You should do your work trip, then go to Kruger, Sun City, or the Drakensburg mountains for the week of annual leave. You'll be completely fine alone; leave the holiday friends to drive around the vineyards together. Three is a crowd so they'll probably really get on each others tits anyway.

Be all breezy and magnanimous about it when you see them.

Also your bf sounds like a bit of a spineless wimp (Some merit?!) So doing your thing alone shows him that you are not going to be slinking back to the UK with your tail between your legs after being excluded from their holiday.

Are they planning a threesome? Sorry - totally unhelpful. Just joking.
You've only been with him a few months op so it might feel a bit intrusive to them. If he really loves you, all will be well

If this relationship works out and you end up going the distance and getting hitched - you can get your revenge on Friend A/Bby sitting them on the shit table at the wedding!

Do take the opportunity to have a good week's annual leave - plan a fab week and DP might just ditch his friends to join your more fab week!

Now I’ve read your phone conversation I have to say I think you were rather shitty tbh.

I still can't understand why you aren't more excited about being the only person that can deliver the training Op, and therefore worth 6k worth of trip.
Boyfriend of five months is fine. Surely it's not a trip of the lifetime if your're been sent there anyway. Save up and plan your own trip with him.

Friends fall by the wayside when you move up and down the country for work together. Your friends are there, but much less important and often with work comes moving away - not usually with your friends!

I agree with Bluntness, it sounds all a bit too much on your side. If you were dating a friend of mine I would probably see a few red flags coming from you. You do come across as lovely from your post but I feel the bitching to his roommate about his friends is way out of line and I would actually be quite pissed if my partner did this, it does come across as you wanting to stir a bit of drama within the group (no doubt his roommate knows your bf's best friends well enough) which won't make his friends like you more tbh.

I also can't see why his roommate would be at the idea that A and B don't want you to tag along on their "trip of a lifetime" that was planned way before you entered the picture. I get along well enough with some of my friend's partner doesn't mean I would want them to tag along on a trip I had been planning and dreaming of for a while. Couple do change the dynamic (wether they want to acknowledge it or not) and adding a brand new couple who seem to be all over each other (couples do tend to be in their own bubble sometimes!) to what was supposed to be a trip between close friends would drastically change the outcome of the trip. I personally would consider canceling a trip if one my friends tried to have their new SO tag along to one of those trips and I would be annoyed they even asked (putting me in the awkward position to have to say no and look like the bad guy or say yes and grit my teeth through the entire length of the trip).

Regarding C, it's a non-issue for me, you either trust him or you don't. If you do then does it matter if she still likes him? Obviously he has had opportunities to get with her before and haven't taken them, can't see why he would now.

As stated before, she already had enough grounds to say "no" to you tagging along without being unreasonable and this, without any type of feelings getting into it. Plus she also wasn't the only one being against it as B seemed to agree and to have been as vocal about it as A.

Regarding your boyfriend prioritizing you. What type of behavior do you expect from him?
Would that involve him canceling on a trip with friend he had planned before you entered the picture to spend time with you instead? or stand up against his friends to make sure your will to join a trip that isn't yours trump the wish of his friends to stick to the original plan? You seem to be pretty high on his priority list if he is willing to reorganize an entire trip around you and ready to put his friends in the awkward position he has put them in by even asking.

At the end of the day, I think you need to realize that it's probably not personal, you can look at it from different angles and find underlying motives about why A or B may have said no (that may well be true or purely fictive) but truth is, most people wouldn't want you to tag along either if put in the same situation (I know I wouldn't no matter how lovely you may be).

Friend has the hots for him and was looking forward to being away on holiday with him so she could try it on again. You coming along has thrown a spanner in the works. Also - had you not come along, do you honestly think nothing would have gone on when they were on holiday together?! I reckon your BF had also been keeping his options open...

I totally get why you are upset, its like they have been having these conversations behind your back as to how to break it to you that you are not welcome on this trip. It is totally Friend A. She probably has had fantasies of this trip being the time when your BF suddenly realises she is the love of his life. Swooning in the South African desert or at the top of Table Mountain. Your BF is in a difficult position - I actually respect that he is trying to be careful with everyone's feelings.

You totally just need to be the bigger person and act like it is no problem at all. If you are flying Business it wouldn't hurt to post a photo of you reclining with a glass of champagne.