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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday Conundrum - AIBU/WWYD?

151 replies

trojanpony · 29/10/2017 15:36

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months. While fairly new, we are in a committed relationship. We are late 20s/early 30s. Prior this we have both been single for 2 years+
He is an absolutely wonderful boyfriend - we are very much in love.

Before meeting me he planned a "dream holiday" with 2 friends, both female (A+B). it is a two week holiday, but he will stay a third week working in the local office there. Both of us weren't looking forward to spending this much time apart but c'est la vie!
FULL DISCLOSURE: One of the friends (A) has previously made passes at my boyfriend - the feelings were not requited by him and he says she is over this now.

Through a twist of fate I am now being sent on business to this destination at the same time - I have never been but it's on my bucket list...

He discussed this with the friends they seemed happy/okay with it. I also spoke to Friend A, she was effusive and said I could help with the driving to the vineyard region. friend (B) was happy whenwe spoke as it would make it cheaper (4 way split, not 3).
I was mindful this is their holiday, not mine, and was clear I'd go with the flow/itinerary.

Last week the work trip was confirmed. The plan was I would join them for the second week (the vineyard leg of the holiday).

My boyfriend just told me he had spoken with them this morning and now they are "uncomfortable with me joining them" as they thought it would be the week they were in the city (that would have been fine apparently).
But the vineyard leg is "more confined" and the car journey "might be weird".

Sorry if it doesn't make sense it's all I could remember, I was so shocked I didn't process much after this. :(

The upshot being.... he is going with them...and I am not. And he's sorry.
Things ended awkwardly. Work flights are being booked on Monday but at least he told me now so I can process it today.

Mostly, I feel very very foolish and upset (several friends knew about this he discussed it with them, as did I).
But on another level, I can't help but feel he had/has other options? I haven't said this to him as he has made his choice and I think he feels obligated to them.

AIBU to be very upset and feeling delicate and a bit let down?

And WWYD? Go on holiday on your own or cancel the week's annual leave?

The annual leave is approved but I am not confident to "go solo" as it's a slightly dangerous country. I have a work friends who lives in that city and she is v friendly so could show me around a bit...?
It just feels weird to be going on holiday to the same place and not be on holiday together?!

Any/all advice welcome... I'm feeling delicate so go easy...

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 29/10/2017 16:08

Yes, because he's been put in an impossible position.

WorraLiberty · 29/10/2017 16:09

I have ZERO trust issues with my BF

So why is it relevant that she's made passes at him in the past?

In fact, what even made him tell you that?

GreenTulips · 29/10/2017 16:09

My husband goes to SA a lot with work!! It's not the arse end of no where! They have loads of big companies, 5 star hotels, safaris, restaurants, DH loves his visits and they are always welcoming and friendsly (even the elephants)

wrenika · 29/10/2017 16:09

I can see them being uncomfortable - and he's being put in a very awkward situation. 5 months together is no time really, so it's all very new and will look rather suspicious that you are now miraculously able to gatecrash their holiday in (what seems) like an attempt to keep an eye on him with female friends. If I were them, I wouldn't be happy with it.
Let him have his holiday with his friends. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that jazz. I think you were wrong to invite yourself along like that and put him in that position.

ChrisPrattsFace · 29/10/2017 16:10

I probably sound a bit stupid here but I don't understand, you say you're being posted there for work - then say it's your weeks annual leave? Unless I'm missing something?!
I would go by myself anyways - like you have said it's a work trip. That's why you were going and you would be going wether he was already there or not? Surely?

OlennasWimple · 29/10/2017 16:11

3 weeks apart is really not the end of the world Confused

ChrisPrattsFace · 29/10/2017 16:11

Cross post with your update OP. I would go for the business trip part and come home - let him enjoy his late arranged holiday! Perhaps meet up for dinner on a night or two?

grannysmiff · 29/10/2017 16:13

I also dont see why your BF would have told you about his friend making passes at him.

Maybe Im weird but I have one good male friend who I actually slept with 2 or 3 times 6 years ago. It was probably just down to curiosity and a feeling of closenese back then, but nothing ever happened again in 6 years and trust me when I say tue dynamic we have now means it would never ever happen again. Its not something ive felt the need to tell DP because its entirely irrelevant and would only serve to potentially cause paranoia. Obviously if he asked I would answer truthfully.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 29/10/2017 16:14

You're both upset about a few weeks apart (on a dream holiday) and he cried on the phone? It all sounds a bit intense and clingy...

BitOutOfPractice · 29/10/2017 16:15

Sorry OP I can understand why you're put out but tbh if I were A or B I would be rolling my eyes a bit. It was planned as a friends holiday and one person bringing their OH definitely changes the dynamic.

And as for "he misses me a lot if we are apart for very long" I think you need to get a bit of a grip. It's a new relationship. It's a three week holiday not a life sentence in the Siberian salt mines.

Oysterbabe · 29/10/2017 16:16

Yeah I don't think you should tag along with them, I'd be annoyed if I was one of the friends. Go on your business trip then go home, just as you would have if new boyfriend wasn't on the scene.

Ttbb · 29/10/2017 16:16

Fair enough that they don't want you to come along,like you said the relationship is young. As to what you do with your AL-what do you want To do?

BitOutOfPractice · 29/10/2017 16:16

And now I've just read he's crying on the phone my eyes have nearly rolled out of my head. I had to check back for your ages in case I'd missed that you are both teenagers!

OlafLovesAnna · 29/10/2017 16:17

It would piss me off that he originally suggested it then backed out after my leave etc was approved. He should only have mentioned it once he was sure it was ok with his friends really, but then to be fair they should have been more candid.

If I was in Jo'berg and wasn't too fussed about Cape Town then I wouldn't bother with the leave and just go home after work. If the company has picked up work there then there will probably be other opportunities for you to visit should you fancy it.

I'd be a bit cautious of him and his mates though in the future. He's cried about it but he won't make a plan for the time either a. Bad luck for this time, next time you're there on business I'll join you after and we can have our own trip there or b. I can meet you on tues morning and wed afternoon if you're there doing your own thing, or even c. We can have 2 nights together then the rest of the 2 weeks is devoted to my friends or d. Whatever other permutations suit you.

I understand his friends point of view but they should have said it was a problem from the outset, I understand him feeling caught in the middle and I understand you feeling a bit put out but I can't understand that he's getting himself in a state without making a decision he can take ownership of.

AmysTiara · 29/10/2017 16:17

I think YABU too sorry.

Original poster
trojanpony · 29/10/2017 16:18

just seen a there are quite a few coincident posts...
reading back I see where you are coming from but it's completely above board...
As much as I wish it were true, my company aren't spending £6K to send me on a jolly!!!!
We won a huge piece of business in October ($1BN globally). I led the pitch which ran from march this year for two regions one of which was incumbent 9so knows the reporting system) the other was Africa.
from Jan 1st all African offices will have to start working in a highly technical and bespoke reporting system (it's honestly the most complex in this field). failure to understand how to use this system could result in losses in the millions for our company. There are about 50 people being flown in from various parts of Africa for a week long transition training conference, there will be other people flying in from the London and NY office too (they work in different specialist areas)

OP posts:
grannysmiff · 29/10/2017 16:20

He cried over this?

'kinell....

GreenTulips · 29/10/2017 16:20

Why can't he take the third week with you? His friends could go elsewhere and have a girly time

It's still possible

Original poster
trojanpony · 29/10/2017 16:21

WorraLiberty it came up when we were talking about our previous relationships / history... i don't think it's weird he mentioned it?
I mentioned it as although she seemed fine with me I suppose i wonder if it's a factor?

From the responses it looks like they just want the holiday they planned, which i understand....

OP posts:
Trills · 29/10/2017 16:23

He shouldn't have suggested it without checking with them.

There are plenty of examples on here of people suggesting adding people to a holiday and the original group not being keen. It's a silly thing to do but not an unusual one.

SeaCabbage · 29/10/2017 16:25

I think you have to try not to take it too personally. The friends may like you but not want to spend a week with you! That's a bit full on. As well as the issue of being on a holiday with a couple, unexpectedly.

As a PP said, your BF has been put in an impossible situation and I don't blame him for sticking to their original plans.

If I were you I would go on some organised tours in that second week but yes, why not see if you can meet for one night - just the two of you I mean. Surely the friends wouldnt' begrudge you that, and it would be really exciting.

Original poster
trojanpony · 29/10/2017 16:27

OlennasWimple

Completely agree! He is the one who is more bothered about this - i keep telling him it's just three week. As I mentioned he suggested me taking leave when the trip was confirmed.

To be honest I think he was mainly upset because I was upset - he wasn't full on bawling his eyes out (just a bit choked up)

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 29/10/2017 16:29

it sounds like your bf is too nice.
i wouldnt take the second week as annual leave. keep that for something you will really enjoy.
tell boyfriend you know he is in an awkward spot. tell him to enjoy it.
and plan your next holiday as a couple.

LeakyLittleBoat · 29/10/2017 16:29

Yeah they might accept the massive coincidence of you being sent there on business at the same time as their holiday but they're not BU to not want you to effectively hijack a chunk of their friends' trip and convert it into a couple trip. Your bf sounds a bit emotionallly manipulative to be honest, turning on the waterworks because you'll be separated for 3 weeks, really? If you hadn't coincidentally landed the business trip he'd have been facing that separation anyway. I'd do your business leg then go home or plan an itinerary you can do alone or with local contacts.

Bluntness100 · 29/10/2017 16:29

This is very weird. Are you sure you didn’t plan the timing of your trip to coincide with their holiday? I believe you the training needs done but it’s a huge coincidence at the same time they are there.

And it’s not just that, he misses you if he doesn’t see you for too long, he’s crying, when I’d have said you were the clingy one.

I’d advise you to back off. You there at the same time is weird as hell. Just do your training and come home, let them be.