Holiday Conundrum - AIBU/WWYD?

[trojanpony]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months. While fairly new, we are in a committed relationship. We are late 20s/early 30s. Prior this we have both been single for 2 years+
He is an absolutely wonderful boyfriend - we are very much in love.

Before meeting me he planned a "dream holiday" with 2 friends, both female (A+B). it is a two week holiday, but he will stay a third week working in the local office there. Both of us weren't looking forward to spending this much time apart but c'est la vie!
FULL DISCLOSURE: One of the friends (A) has previously made passes at my boyfriend - the feelings were not requited by him and he says she is over this now.

Through a twist of fate I am now being sent on business to this destination at the same time - I have never been but it's on my bucket list...

He discussed this with the friends they seemed happy/okay with it. I also spoke to Friend A, she was effusive and said I could help with the driving to the vineyard region. friend (B) was happy whenwe spoke as it would make it cheaper (4 way split, not 3).
I was mindful this is their holiday, not mine, and was clear I'd go with the flow/itinerary.

Last week the work trip was confirmed. The plan was I would join them for the second week (the vineyard leg of the holiday).

My boyfriend just told me he had spoken with them this morning and now they are "uncomfortable with me joining them" as they thought it would be the week they were in the city (that would have been fine apparently).
But the vineyard leg is "more confined" and the car journey "might be weird".

Sorry if it doesn't make sense it's all I could remember, I was so shocked I didn't process much after this. :(

The upshot being.... he is going with them...and I am not. And he's sorry.
Things ended awkwardly. Work flights are being booked on Monday but at least he told me now so I can process it today.

Mostly, I feel very very foolish and upset (several friends knew about this he discussed it with them, as did I).
But on another level, I can't help but feel he had/has other options? I haven't said this to him as he has made his choice and I think he feels obligated to them.

AIBU to be very upset and feeling delicate and a bit let down?

And WWYD? Go on holiday on your own or cancel the week's annual leave?

The annual leave is approved but I am not confident to "go solo" as it's a slightly dangerous country. I have a work friends who lives in that city and she is v friendly so could show me around a bit...?
It just feels weird to be going on holiday to the same place and not be on holiday together?!

Any/all advice welcome... I'm feeling delicate so go easy...

YABU - if I had planned a holiday of a lifetime for ages with my 2 BFFs and then one of them said they wanted to bring their partner of 5 months.......... no, sorry (even if it was only for a week of it)!

I’m also a bit at your BF crying about this. Is he usually so emotional?

RebelRogue thanks! that made me laugh
I love your dramatic reinterpretation of the story so far...

Your opinion seems to be a minority(?) but yes I suppose I do feel a bit miffed /like I have been messed about. It feels like something was offered and taken away.. . but equally I do understand the cries of "YABU" from posters looking at it from the friend perspectives.

Hundredmilesanhour
Your post is food for thought... while I would never try and alienate him from his friends, I am concerned that at the end of the day there will be a lingering tension of some sort between us which I absolutely do not want.

And to be clear I do see it from the friends POV!!!! but as far as I was aware until today they were on board with me joining them.
And please be reassured I have no intention of still going with them!
As i said before I don't have any issue per se with them not wanting me to join and really can understand them having that opinion / desire. BUT I do think it would have been easier all round if they said that upfront.

To be honest trojanpony I think your boyfriend is a muppet for putting you in this position. He should have had a very clear discussion with his friends (and given them time to think about it) before suggesting anything to you.

But it is what is now. Can you suggest meeting the friends for a quick drink pre-dinner party and being very open about saying that you want to clear the air? I'd just say to them that there are no ill feelings, it was silly of your boyfriend to even ask and put them in this position, and you hope they have a great holiday and you look forward to hearing about it when they're all back. But you have to mean what you're saying! I'm sure they will be just as relieved as you and then you can get on with enjoying the dinner party together.

@trojanpony have a chat with them and just tell them there’s no ill feelings, you understand why they might feel awkward and you would’ve never even considered if it made them uncomfortable and can they please in the future just be honest for everyone’s sake.

Only go on your own holiday if you know you will have fun, if you think their rejection might still smart them and put a dampener on it, fuck it!
Go at another time,get your mates and have a great time!

How long ago did friend A make passes at your partner?

I would expect if it was multiple passes and she was sober when she made them - that she probably still has strong feelings for him. I suspect you may never have a good friendship with her as she may not be supportive of your relationship. Long-term she may be a problem.

Some females aren't happy with sharing males friends time. They are possessive over single male friends and resent other females on their territory. They've had him for the time he was single and may resent the change you have created.

If your partner constantly places their feelings over yours then you may need to act. When this has happened to friends of mine, male friends have seemed oblivious to what's gone on and it's been at least partly responsible for their relationship breakdowns.

Thanks MoseShrute
I know AIBU is the home of tough love so wasn't expecting unanimous righteous indignation.
Also not sure I helped myself by not being clearer in my OP that

A. it wasn't my idea
B. I 100% understand their position re:holiday dyanmics and when it came up said "I totally understand it you aren't keen to go on holiday with a couple"

Right now, I wish I had never even mentioned this was a possibility and just gone on the work trip while he was on holiday and not mentioned it - it just feels a mess.
I also feel I have to be extra specially super nice to both of them going forward, and that if there is an atmosphere I'll be to "blame" for it all :(

@VladmirsPoutine I’ll take that as a compliment.

Thank you Paranoid you have expressed so eruditely what I haven't and what at the end of the day I think my overarching issue is

If your partner constantly places their feelings over yours then you may need to act. When this has happened to friends of mine, male friends have seemed oblivious to what's gone on and it's been at least partly responsible for their relationship breakdowns.

the end bit of the conversation was
Me: those reasons don't make sense
BF: erm... I thought they had some? merit...maybe?
Me:
BF: Soooooo... that's decided now I suppose
Me:
BF: shall we talk about this later?
Me: yes, i'd like some time to think this over.

Other posters are totally right the relationship is new he doesn't owe me the world or anything but honestly I don't think I'd do this to him. I think I'd work to find a middle ground of some sort. I am hoping he thinks about this a bit more before we next speak...

Friend A last attempt at romance was about 3 months before he and I met - they have been friends since uni and she started this about 2 years ago (ish). As I understand it's been a combination of drunk and sober. Although that's irrelevant and I'm stalkerish for mentioning it

I think the clear the air chat is a good idea - I am a bad liar but have honourable intentions so that bit should be okay...

I do worry a bit that if i go on my own this will "hang over me" and cloud the trip, but one of my good qualities is i don't hang on to bad feelings for long so maybe not...

I will speak to my friend who lives in SA tomorrow and see if she is around, if so I do some mountain climbing with her and go on a safari tour for a few days. i will try and delay finalising flight details until I have had some more time to think

I'm with RebelRogue; that's exactly how I saw it, so I would be annoyed, too. They said ok, said why it was ok, then did a 180.

They don't sound very nice, tbh.

The friends agreed in principle before op's work gave her dates though.
Work sounds like a big deal. I would focus fully on that and note that if you are the most trained you are probably going to be sent away a lot more. You need to find ways to make being apart work.

I agree with rebel actually.
If they really were kind open people, they would want you on the holiday.
I think their actions are intended to create space between you and your BF, yet bring them and him closer, with more in common. Sounds like jealously to me.

If they really were kind open people, they would want you on the holiday.

I disagree.

They've been planning this holiday for longer than you have been together.

It's perfectly reasonable of them to not want you to join them.

I had a similar Occurance many years ago. My DH used to Holiday with his friend and his gf and they shared the same activity. The gf really didn't want me around as I didn't partake in the activity. And didn't want me on Holiday. There was other activities I could do on my own.
The result? We didn't continue to meet up with them, and my DH never bothered continuing such a friendship.

What we found worked was introducing the female friends (R and T) to as many single men as possible as when they were dating or had partners, they were then busy and were easier to deal with.

Other friends had picked up on it and we all laughed and made it a bit of a joke but we needed to point out how exclusive they were being to their mates (S) girlfriend (J).

Sadly S and J split up, I blame R and T but S should have backed up his girlfriend more. He stayed out of it and valued R and T more than his girlfriend.

@Trills it would’ve been more reasonable to say no to begin with. Or at least be noncommittal instead of telling OP why it’s such a good idea and let her run with it.
Someone tells me something is fine because x,y,z then I’ll believe them it’s fine.

Why can't he take the third week with you? His friends could go elsewhere and have a girly time Oh yes! They could go shopping and maybe a spa day!

I would be furious if I was in your shoes. I can see his friends point of view completely but your BF should have been 100% sure they were ok with it before putting you in this position. He is not only potentially left you considering a holiday alone in a country you don’t feel safe in but damaged your future relationship with his friends.

I would just head home after my business trip and consider the relationship.

The friends couldn't have known which week the op would be crashing the holiday.
Op said they would have been ok with the Cape Town bit when presume able there would be greater opportunity for them to go off and leave the couple to it.
Bit different having to wait for the shagging couple to get up so you can all get back in the car for the road trip.

@Goshthatwentwell that would make sense if friend A wouldn’t have said how convenient it was because OP could help with the driving TO the vineyard region. Unless she expected OP to drive there and then fuck off, which isn’t very nice.

I think some people on here are being very unfair on the friends and making up all sorts of fiction about them. Which doesn't help the OP at all and instead probably makes her more apprehensive.

I actually feel sorry for the friends as they are screwed either way. Agree to the OP coming and their long-planned dream holiday is totally changed. Going on holiday with a lovesick couple would be pretty grim for them. But now they've been brave enough to say no so now they will no doubt be stuck with the boyfriend mooning over how much he's missing the OP and crying about it (he sounds like such a wimp!).

It would hardly be surprising if these two poor women aren't members of the OP's fan club right now. Nothing personal but the OP needs to understand how this is impacting them. Both the friends and the OP are coming out of this experience hurting a little. The boyfriend caused all this upset. He needs to try using his head and apply some common sense going forward.

Thing is, if it's such a good relationship, the friends will naturally fall by the wayside. I can't imagine op will be inviting them to stay should they marry and set up home together.

Your boyfriend doesn’t come out of this well. Plan yourself a lovely holiday and consider whether he’s the one for you.

If they really were kind open people, they would want you on the holiday. Such nonsense!