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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holiday Conundrum - AIBU/WWYD?

151 replies

trojanpony · 29/10/2017 15:36

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months. While fairly new, we are in a committed relationship. We are late 20s/early 30s. Prior this we have both been single for 2 years+
He is an absolutely wonderful boyfriend - we are very much in love.

Before meeting me he planned a "dream holiday" with 2 friends, both female (A+B). it is a two week holiday, but he will stay a third week working in the local office there. Both of us weren't looking forward to spending this much time apart but c'est la vie!
FULL DISCLOSURE: One of the friends (A) has previously made passes at my boyfriend - the feelings were not requited by him and he says she is over this now.

Through a twist of fate I am now being sent on business to this destination at the same time - I have never been but it's on my bucket list...

He discussed this with the friends they seemed happy/okay with it. I also spoke to Friend A, she was effusive and said I could help with the driving to the vineyard region. friend (B) was happy whenwe spoke as it would make it cheaper (4 way split, not 3).
I was mindful this is their holiday, not mine, and was clear I'd go with the flow/itinerary.

Last week the work trip was confirmed. The plan was I would join them for the second week (the vineyard leg of the holiday).

My boyfriend just told me he had spoken with them this morning and now they are "uncomfortable with me joining them" as they thought it would be the week they were in the city (that would have been fine apparently).
But the vineyard leg is "more confined" and the car journey "might be weird".

Sorry if it doesn't make sense it's all I could remember, I was so shocked I didn't process much after this. :(

The upshot being.... he is going with them...and I am not. And he's sorry.
Things ended awkwardly. Work flights are being booked on Monday but at least he told me now so I can process it today.

Mostly, I feel very very foolish and upset (several friends knew about this he discussed it with them, as did I).
But on another level, I can't help but feel he had/has other options? I haven't said this to him as he has made his choice and I think he feels obligated to them.

AIBU to be very upset and feeling delicate and a bit let down?

And WWYD? Go on holiday on your own or cancel the week's annual leave?

The annual leave is approved but I am not confident to "go solo" as it's a slightly dangerous country. I have a work friends who lives in that city and she is v friendly so could show me around a bit...?
It just feels weird to be going on holiday to the same place and not be on holiday together?!

Any/all advice welcome... I'm feeling delicate so go easy...

OP posts:
liminality · 29/10/2017 16:32

It would be super weird to be in the same country as my bf and not see him.
Also weird if everyone was having a good cry over this.
Can imagine they would feel weird if you and bf were having couple time on a roadtrip, especially if you are 'very much in love'.

Verdict: all round weird scenario. Good luck with that!

JennyHolzersGhost · 29/10/2017 16:34

Well if SA is on your bucket list and you can manage to add a week’s holiday onto your work trip then I’d jump at the chance ! From Joburg it’s easy to get to Kruger for starters. You’ll know best what parts of the country you’re most keen to see, but I’d say go for it !

Original poster
trojanpony · 29/10/2017 16:36

Thanks for the other perspectives (even the eye roll ones!)

I know it's not the end of the world but I was looking forward to a nice holiday. :(

I don't have issue with the friends wanting their original holiday at all, and really do see it from their side. The only thing they could have done is just made that clear from the outset (but as posters mentioned my BF put them in an awkward situation ). I really got on with both of them (we went to a day festival together and another social event and all got on well) so this is a bit of a kick in the teeth but I do get why... I think you re right SeaCabbage it's not personal (although it does feel it)

I suppose I feel conflicted about my boyfriend's roll in this

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 29/10/2017 16:37

This reply has been deleted

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RainbowCookie · 29/10/2017 16:37

Bit weird - not sure why the vineyard trip would be more confined, they could just get a car with a bit more leg room. Stellenbosch and Fransechoek are easily drivable and back in a day from Cape Town so looks like they are making excuses.
If you are just going to stay in JHB then maybe head out to a Sun City for a long weekend, you can do some game drives in the Pilansberg and mooch by the pool during the day - nice and safe.
I live in JHB by the way Smile

Laceup · 29/10/2017 16:39

Well mine wouldn't be getting within sniffing distance of me if he'd pulled that....however..it seems mighty odd your posted to the same place at the same time...mighty mighty odd ...

HundredMilesAnHour · 29/10/2017 16:41

Regardless of your company's business or not, you have to appreciate that to his friends this amazingly coincidental business trip would make you seem like potential stalker material. Especially with all the "we can't bear to be apart" and him crying about it! It doesn't sound healthy at all. I don't think I could be attracted to a man (or woman) who cried because we were going to be apart on holiday/business. Give me strength!

If you both seriously believe you've found "the one" and you'll be together for the rest of your lives, what's a couple of weeks apart? Especially when you've only been together 5 months. Get a grip both of you.

Original poster
trojanpony · 29/10/2017 16:41

Just to be clear I had no part AT ALL in organising the dates of this training or my attendance.
When it was first mentioned, I assumed it would happen via Skype as we are on a travel ban

But written down I see now how this all looks completely weird... and I agree it is completely weird hence I am posting for advice

OP posts:
SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 29/10/2017 16:42

Just look at it from their perspective:

-You've only being going out 5 months.
-You will have to be included in their photos etc.
-They don't know you.
-You will change the dynamics because you will create a 'couple' being there.

Sorry Op.

JennyHolzersGhost · 29/10/2017 16:47

(When I said ‘go for it’ I meant on your own, for the avoidance of doubt)

Original poster
trojanpony · 29/10/2017 16:47

Rainbowcookie I think the reasons are a red herring.
They have a right to have whatever holiday they want, I am not going to argue the toss. It is what it is.

I am just upset at the situation s I feel the rug was pulled a bit. I think I will start making some plans and use the annual leave. I will look into Sun City further - thanks! :)

OP posts:
DailyMailReadersAreThick · 29/10/2017 16:50

I suppose I feel conflicted about my boyfriend's roll in this What did you want him to do - ditch his friends and spend the week with you instead? Ignore their wishes and take you anyway, spoiling their holiday? I wouldn't want to date someone who would do that!

He did the right thing. Seriously.

VladmirsPoutine · 29/10/2017 16:51

When I said ‘go for it’ I meant on your own, for the avoidance of doubt

Grin, I don't know why this comment has me laughing hysterically. The whole premise of this thread is ridiculous. You both need to get hold of a firm grip.

JennyHolzersGhost · 29/10/2017 16:55

GrinFlowers Vlad - great username btw.

OnionKnight · 29/10/2017 16:57

How old are you OP?

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 29/10/2017 16:59

If I was one of the female friends then I would probably like to get to know my male friends new partner. Uninviting them would make things awkward.

Original poster
trojanpony · 29/10/2017 17:03

VladmirsPoutine That made me laugh too!

Onionknight over 30 Blush I see how this all sounds so juvenile written down. When he rang to tell me I was just very blindsided as I was looking forward to a holiday and friend A+B seemed until this point to be onboard. (but I get they have the right to their original holiday!)

OP posts:
Original poster
trojanpony · 29/10/2017 17:07

paranoid I do feel a bit awkward about having to see them going forward - we are all going to a dinner party together next Saturday :S
I guess I'll just put on my big girl pants and accept it's not personal

OP posts:
Trafalgarxxx · 29/10/2017 17:11

Bottom line, it helps to be straight with people and not tell them 'oh it will be great if you are coming!' When you dint actually think that .

If friends A and B had been honest right form ththere start, no one would have raised their hopes up and got organisation underway.

Both from the pov of the OP and her bf, the friends should have been honest because, as it has been said, this wouodntbhave been an issue.
It has only become as issue because they said YES and then NO.

I wish people would grow up and start speaking up rather than having a 'looking nice and not daring saying no' as a default position.

RebelRogue · 29/10/2017 17:31

Ok so I understood correctly things went like this

OP: Poodley bear, guess what? My company is sending me to SA for work.
BF: aww shnookums, that’s great! I know! You could come with me on the trip!
OP: awww poodley bear, you’re the best.

Then

BF: Guys , shnookums is going to SA while we’re on our trip. I was thinking she could join us, what do you think?
Friends: err...,ok/why not/sure .

Op : bla bla bla bla
A: nah, it’s fine, actually it suits us as we can share the driving through the vineyards(the same ones where now it’s too uncomfortable?!??) and sing Kumbaya.
B: and we can keep costs down! Go ahead.

OP sorts everything out with work,starts planning, books time off.

BF(devastated): Shnoookuuuuums!!!! I can’t believe it !! A and B change their mind, they dont want you to come. It’s a disaster! My life isn’t worth living anymore!!

Yeah, I’d be pissed off too.

HundredMilesAnHour · 29/10/2017 17:32

The friends should have been honest at the start but it may well be that they felt pressured into saying yes initially and/or didn't think through the consequences until later.

Saying no isn't easy as it tends to be held against you in circumstances like this. I say that from personal experience. I was part of a group of 7 friends who used to go on holiday together every year. We all got along well and I guess had got "into our groove" sharing villas/apartments together. Then one year, one of the "boys" had a new girlfriend and was massively loved up with her after a few months. He asked if she could come on our (already booked) holiday. We didn't really know her and we all decided it was too big a risk. She could quite easily spoil the holiday for everyone else. Our friend was a bit upset but he understood (or said he did) and we all had a good holiday together. But it changed things forever. The new girlfriend was massively pissed off that he went without her and decided she hated all of us as a result. We lost our friend as she removed him from our lives (admittedly he should have stood up to her but people do silly things when they're loved up). I heard from mutual friends that they got married in the end, had kids and are now divorced. I don't know where he is these days but he was a good friend and I miss the fun we had together. But I still wouldn't change that decision about not letting her join us on holiday.

Coriandertasteslikesoap · 29/10/2017 17:37

I think it's the bf who has made this all a bit difficult by suggesting it in the first place.

He discussed this with the friends they seemed happy/okay with it

I think that put them in a difficult position. They likely felt it was mean-spirited of them to say no. But for 3 friends to plan a trip and then one of them wants to bring along a new partner (because 5 months is brand shiny new) throws a huge spanner in the works.
If I were A or B I would be pissed off - yet I would find it difficult to say so, not to cause bad feeling. In this case, bad feelings have already been caused to everybody. It can't really work now.
I'd go home.

NataliaOsipova · 29/10/2017 17:39

You've been put in a bit of a difficult situation, I think. Not quite sure by whom, but I don't think it's really your fault.

I have male friends I holidayed with in my younger days - all entirely platonic. But yes, it would have changed the dynamic had someone's girlfriend joined the trip. So I can see why they weren't keen to have you along for a week. That doesn't mean they don't like you - but, it you think about it, you have to be very confident that you'll get along brilliantly with someone before you commit to a week away with them. I went on a three day City break with a very good friend once and vowed never to do it again; we are still good friends but our holiday styles are fundamentally different. And these ladies don't know you very well. So it's fair enough that if they're investing time and money in a dream holiday that they don't want to take the risk of it being derailed.

BUT....all this should have been discussed among the three of them - with dotted "i"s and crossed "t"s before it was suggested to you. Your boyfriend shouldn't have asked you before he was convinced that his friends were happy with the arrangement and they shouldn't have said they were happy if they weren't sure.

You haven't done anything wrong, OP. Hold your head up high and get on with doing your job. If it's a place you'd like to see, maybe stay for the weekend and see your friend - then save your annual leave for something you'd like to do and would really enjoy. Your boyfriend may not have handled this brilliantly, but I don't read any malice into it. He's probably caught between a rock and a hard place - he doesn't want to hurt/go without you, but he'd feel like a shit if he blew out his friends. You will come out of this with a lot more dignity - and a stronger relationship - if you hold your head up high, bow out and wish them all well.

All that said - you have my sympathy! I would feel delicate about all of that as well....and, to be honest, wouldn't be that keen to become besty mates with these women after all of this. So I don't think your feelings are unreasonable at all!

VladmirsPoutine · 29/10/2017 17:42

RebelRogue I think you and I are kindred spirits Grin

Trafalgarxxx · 29/10/2017 17:43

Well it might be hard to say NO right form th start, but I doubt that making hard for the OP an Cher bf is going to help either.
Nor for the OP and he r bf, nor for th friends A and B.

I imagine that the meal altogether is going to be awkward.

I would, at the very least, that it's not the OP that will then be held responsible if things don't go smoothly because SHE is then supposed to suck it up, however hard it is, because the friends thought it was too hard to say NO at the start.

I also think that hundred story shows the risk of actually then Loosing a very good friend.

Conclusion, such an attitude actually has very long term consequences. Worth remembering before saying Yes or NO and maybe a 'well I need to think about it' would be better bet....