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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friends Message about DH, WWYD?

139 replies

DontThinkItsLikeHim · 27/10/2017 19:33

DH and I have been married for 18 months and have a 2.5 year old together.

On Monday, two sisters I know as they are my mums friends daughters, messaged me separately on Facebook the first message said she'd seen DHs photo on Tindr, and the second sister said she'd seen his name and photo on POF. When I asked for a screenshot/s of the profiles they both said "I'm sure it's him" and logged off.

I've asked a different friend whose single to create profiles on both as she lives close enough to us that if it was him he'd come up in her potential dates or whatever section I've never online dated I trust that she would tell me if she saw my DH on a dating site as she's one of my closest friends and godmother to my daughter, she says she can't see him on there at all.

I've messaged the sisters again separately asking for screenshot/s and exactly what sites they saw him on. But neither have replied, but a 3rd sister (there's about a dozen of them all women!) has messaged me, even though we're not friends, claiming that sisters 1 and 2 wouldn't lie to me and they did see him on there. Friend has checked again and has been keeping an eye on the apps over the last few days but says she cannot see him on there.

I'm inclined to believe my friend that he's not on the sites, as firstly DH never goes anywhere but work, our daughters Nursery, the local takeaway, his parents house with our daughter and if he was having an affair or dating they'd certainly tell me about it as they told SILs boyfriend when she was cheating on him and to the doctors. DH also has a medical condition that means he uses a suprapubic catheter through his tummy we call it the plastic penis and he gets anxious about me seeing and I'm his wife, watched it be inserted and have helped him get used to it and don't find it scary/odd at all, but I know he worries what other people will think if they found out/saw it, and he keeps it covered most of the time, so I'm inclined to think that would mean he'd not be dating with it. DHs behaviour has not changed at all recently, he's no more or less affectionate, we're still having sex when we've not got a toddler in our bed that is! he's still cooking meals and doing his share of the housework. He's always said he hates people who cheat and have affairs so 100% think these women are lying.

So WWYD? Do I press the sisters for more info? Ask DH or just let it drop? Friend says the sisters are trying to cause drama as they like drama. And what do I do about the sisters? They're my mums best friends daughters so while I don't see them much there are some events I have to attend that they will go to.

OP posts:
fullofhope03 · 27/10/2017 22:24

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread but just want to say -
Ask the sister's to send you screen shots if/when they 'see' anything else. It's not bloody difficult.
If a that's not forthcoming (as your previous requests were), then I'd take the whole thing as a freaks-being-mean-with-sad-lives pinch of salt.
FWIW, I don't think your DH is up to anything. Flowers

Blackcatonthesofa · 27/10/2017 22:25

I've had a double that liked to sunbathe topless. Not funny when you're a teen and the village where I lived at the time was not big enough to go unnoticed...

DontThinkItsLikeHim · 27/10/2017 22:41

Don't think DH would sleep with my friend, she's a lot older than I am (14 years older in fact - we met through a shared hobby before I had my daughter) and she's also been married in the past and sworn off men, she's never had a boyfriend in the 4 years I've known her, she signed up for the sight at my request.

OP posts:
BenLui · 27/10/2017 22:44

Personally I wouldn’t reply to them or contact them at all. If they are being malicious they’ll be desperately waiting for you to contact them. I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of any drama.

Intomyarms · 27/10/2017 22:45

You know him and can judge his reactions but it sounds to me, as if they are trying to be helpful rather than spiteful. They may not have taken a screenshot but as you asked them for one, it seems strange that they wouldn't go back into the sites and get one for you, especially if they got another sister involved to contact you saying they were telling the truth.

I'm old and cynical and believe anyone is capable of anything. Your DH's reaction to just pass it off is either very clever or he is telling the truth. If I was asked if I was on a website I'd probably react similarly to him regardless of whether I was or wasn't on it. Sorry I know that isn't very helpful.

WhatwouldAryado · 27/10/2017 23:07

Lots of fishy things.
Not getting screenshots. Screams utter bollocks.
Different sites. A bit more believeable
Sisters. So then it seems weird again why not one of them message to say they had suspicions?
But also your husband saying he hates cheaters. That's a kind of OTT remark. (?!).
Why not gauge your husband's reaction to those messages. It may be your best clue.

DontThinkItsLikeHim · 27/10/2017 23:16

He's always says he hates cheaters since his sister cheated on her boyfriend a few years ago now, it's not an out of the blue remark or anything

OP posts:
PumpernickleInaWarehouse · 27/10/2017 23:32

Have you spoke to your mum about this atl all?
I wonder if they have mentioend anything else to their mum etc
Something just doesnt add up here.

rainbowduck · 27/10/2017 23:34

A school mum told me she saw another school mums husband on tinder, and should she tell the mum. I told DH, who got a colleague to check, found him quite easily.

We still told original school mum not to interfere, because you just don't know what is going on. That was a few years ago and they are still married.

If they have no proof and your friend can't find him, I would call bullshit.

And tell your mum, so she can tell their mum. Shit stirrers.

furcoatandnoknickers · 27/10/2017 23:38

Did your friend fill the dating site in, as if she were one of these sisters? I think you said these sisters were quite a bit older than you...are they quite a bit older than yourdh? ...because I think if a married man were to go on a dating site (huge assumption here..) but wouldn't he put a younger age range than the sisters (unless he was into older woman...is he??)...so his profile wouldn't show up on their "search" anyway...?? just a thought.
AND they would deffo. send you a screen shot.

I would ask/tell your mum to do some digging as to why they have been so malicious. x

QueenInTheNorth26 · 27/10/2017 23:41

From what I've heard, if you swipe no for someone you can't go back and find them. Could that be why they aren't providing screen shots.

I haven't read through it all yet so sorry if this has been answered already

DontThinkItsLikeHim · 27/10/2017 23:45

The sisters are a bit older than me, sister 1 is four years older than me, sister 2 three years older, the 3rd sister is the same age as me. We're all 20s apart from Sister 1 who's early 30s.

My friend is 14 years older than me, but she filled it using my dob.

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 27/10/2017 23:53

It screams bullshit to me.

The sisters sound like shit stirrers.

Some people just get their kicks making up stories possibly because they're jealous of you. I have 2 ex colleagues amd at least 1 ex friend who completely fabricated stories about me out of spite and jealousy! I wonder if their mum compares you to them. Especially if your mum is often talking about you or praising you to her friend. They might think this is a way to get back at you. Horrible though that is.

The other possibilities are it's just a look alike. Or could someone have taken his photos for a fake profile? I know of one bloke whose mates made up a profile on a dating site as a joke Hmm It wasn't appreciated by him or his DW.

AnonEvent · 27/10/2017 23:54

I’m not saying your DH is on the site(s) but say he was, maybe he set his preferred age (for potential matches) a 3-4 years older than you? That way he’d avoid you seeing his profile as on many dating sites people are only shown profiles that match the filters they’ve applied (not sure about those sites/apps)..

I’d be tempted to ask my friend to amend her DOB/new account, with the same attributes as the sisters that claim to have seen him (same age, location, hair colour, eye colour, ‘looking for’, etc.).

AnonEvent · 27/10/2017 23:55

^ sorry I’m hideously overtired, let me know if my poor spelling/grammar/many typos makes it unintelligible.

HeddaGarbled · 27/10/2017 23:57

Ha, like any man ever set his preferences for 3-4 years older than him and his wife. Try 10 years younger.

AnonEvent · 28/10/2017 00:01

I can’t speak for OP’s DH’s taste in women.

As I said though, in all likelihood, he hasn’t done anything wrong, and the sisters are probably just shit stirring- but be aware that on a dating site of 100,000 people, algorithms are in place to surface specific profiles.

NB: my ex Boyfriend, many many moons ago and an affair with his 45 year old coworker when he was 20 (and I was 19).

DontThinkItsLikeHim · 28/10/2017 00:02

10 years younger you'd be getting into illegal territory...

OP posts:
GlitteryFluff · 28/10/2017 00:03

I'd message the sisters I think and say something like without proof I think you're just trying to cause trouble so send screenshots or I'm afraid I don't believe you and will be telling X Y and Z you're liars and trying to ruin relationships

Might not be the best way to go about things but if they're telling the truth they might hurry up with screenshots so you don't bad mouth them to anyone. And if they don't send them then I think it's safe to say they're lying.

bonfireheart · 28/10/2017 00:03

Maybe a catfish?

hiddley · 28/10/2017 00:13

what? three of them?

RavenclawRealist · 28/10/2017 00:22

Your happy with the answer you dh gave (and I'm inclined to believe this is all a best mistaken identity at worse epic shit stirring) I wouldn't engage with the sisters anymore! In fact I would block then you don't sound close and I can't be doing with drama so why keep them around?

Garlicansapphire · 28/10/2017 00:52

Trust you gut. Sounds unlikely to me.

PyongyangKipperbang · 28/10/2017 00:56

I would be inclined to mention it to your mum though, you dont want them to carry on with the shit stirring and say something to their mum who then "helpfully" mentions it to yours and before you know where you are, everyone "knows" that your husband is cheating on you Hmm

OrangeCrush19 · 28/10/2017 01:59

Three weird sisters... it’s a Halloween horror story 🎃