Do I bail my DB out?

[threesocksmeghan]

This feels so tricky to me but I feel MN would be able to cut through the bull and call it as it is. I have posted similar before but only now has everything come to light. So there is no intention of drip feeding or trolling on my part.

I lent my DB 2.5k in July for his Masters. I didn't want him to do a Masters as he only got a 2:2 for his degree but he was looking at a loan of the same at 48%. We agreed a loan of 10% over 2 years.

He has been late with every payment but paid it. Got kicked off Masters oved back in with DM rent free until last month so hassle paid 500 rent since July.

I lent my DM 2k as she's shit with money, has bailiffs turn up at the door for council tax regularly etc. Plus it was for sorting out the house after the dog flooded it (because she let the insurance lapse.

I've just found out she lent half of it to my DB and swore him to secrecy. Gave him a ridiculous repayment plan (3 mths) and only now is all this crap coming out because none of them can sort it and it's left to me.

My problem is this:

1. it is not my problem and I've already lent him 2.5k + 1k (unknowingly) since may
2. both DM and DB have gone behind my back. I can't trust them and now I look back they've both been nasty buggers with this on top that I had no idea about.
3. my DM has a naice house with a very small mortgage. She has no income but could in principle remortgage or equity release and sort her son out (considering she's so concerned as to use my money to bail him out). She's flat out told me she would rather let him 'sink' or file for bankruptcy. This puts more pressure on me and I feel like telling them both to fuck off as DM owes me 10k+ and if I pay of DBs crap I will have lent him 5k since may. With no assurance he won't borrow from these companies again and no assurances of him, you know, living within his means like the rest of us do??

I want to help but I'm loathe to.

So, he's stuck with paying interest...WHAT DID HE THINK WOULD HAPPEN??

He knew he was in a low paying job, so why would he take more loans than he could service - oh, wait, I think I know the answer to this one...

No, you've tried to do this before; you've given them a chance.

Time to look after yourself.

Don't feel guilty, tell him to post on the Debt Free Wannabe board on MoneySavingExpert.com.
There are tools and helpful posters over there who can help him to deal with his debts and show him how to budget.
If he goes on a DMP (make sure he does it through a debt charity, NOT through a company who take a cut) it will cut his payments down to manageable levels. His credit score will be ruined for 6 years, but it probably already is anyway.

He can pull himself out of this situation, if he really wants to. If he doesn't, well, there's nothing you can do about it. Throwing more money at the problem will just perpetuate the situation.

wipe the 'mug' that they see written on you off. Now. Their financial failings are not your responsibility.

Your mum is a piece of work too, kicking you out for refusing to continue to bail her out. You'll get a one bed place cheaper than what you're paying her, and privacy and peace of mind with it instead of guilt and more requests demands for cash

Do you think they feel guilty racking up debt & letting you pay it?.

Your mum could indeed get paying lodgers in or sell the house & buy a smaller property outright.

Some People only learn the hard way with debt.

Your mum ought to be ashamed of her reaction today.

Sheesh! Do not feel guilty. They are the ones who should feel guilty and darn right ashamed of themselves!
You've finally seen the light and done the right thing.
Stay strong OP

Do you think he feels guilty about your Mum kicking you out?

Take them both to court. They are disgusting.

So your brother has taken it on the chin and your mother has thrown you out.

Congratulations for sticking up for yourself and for getting kicked out. Now you can leave her with a free conscience. It seems you were only good for your mother when you were useful. You don’t solve money problems with money.

Seeing as your brother is being a normal human being with you, the best thing you can do is disengage from his poor financial choices and have a normal relationship with him. You could also choose to go to the cab with him and get some debt management set up.

Whatever you do, do for you. Give yourself freedom and the ability to let yourself off the hook. Your mother and brother have made life choices, which are different from your own. Don’t let them sway you into thinking that there is something wrong with your choices or that your money is theirs.

What your mother has done is Very Wrong. She is enabling your son and in turn blaming you for not doing the same with her.

Don't feel guilty. Your mums hit the nuclear button. Your brothers having a pity party

Neither of them deserve your guilt. You have done nothing wrong.

You have tried to help. But you can't help people who won't admit they have a problem.

Stepping back is the best thing to do. Give them a chance to sort themselves out.

I know it's not easy. It's fine for me to type all this when its not happening to me! Take care

They need to learn how to budget. Help them with that not by giving them money

You may well find your relationship gets a lot better with some distance. Right now you are part of the household, so if bills don't get paid, you are affected too. It's easier to ask you if you are right here next to them.

They can also see what your outgoings are when you live there, making it harder to tell a white lie that you don't have any spare money to give them, not that you won't.

Move on, your mum obviously coped for a long time without adult children to borrow money from. She can do it again, and your DB will never learn if he doesn't have to.

Your brother might have some hope (BTW I got a 2:2 and did a Masters and then a Doctorate).
You Mother may well be the source of all the issues. Having not taught your DB any money handling skills. (I'd suspect other dodgy family dynamics too.)

But don't be soft on your brother, take what he gives - and redeem some of your money.

Good luck for the future.

Look HE CHOSE to do the MA to further HIS education. Of course he has to work to pay off his debts. They are his debts.

I’m not sure why you feel rotten.

At least your brother sounds vaguely honourable slowly paying his debt off and respecting your sensible decision not to finance him. A grown man. Unlike your mother who clearly was only letting you stay as long as she could use your credit card. Op do cancel your card and get a new one so she can’t use your details

Your Mum is horrendous.
Kicking you out because you won't fund her lifestyle? This is not parenting nor being your grown up friend. Your rent to her was simply paying yourself back so not actually anyone paying you money they owed whilst your brother lived there rent free. What a joke.

Have a normal relationship with your brother as long as he is paying you back what he can. If he is out lashing it up a wall then time to cut them both of I'm afraid until they sort themselves out.

My Nan always told me, "Never lend what you can't afford to lose". I live by that it has served me well.

I'm kind of glad you've been kicked out as this will force you to move on. Stop enabling them just because you want some sort of weird twisted relationship with them. It's not normal for them to behave like this.

OP I do feel for you, you have been. nothing but a great sister and daughter trying to help them out. Your mother has behaved atrociously.
Do NOT feel guilty. It’s your family who should feel bad for the way they’ve treated you!

Please don;t feel guilty that he is having to pay back the money he has spent out of his wages. That's down to him making the choices he has made to spend money he didn't have.

Please don't give or lend him any more money. You already know he will not use it wisely.

Ohhh, ouch. However, you are burdened with guilt to a disturbing degree, and this rejection is possibly the best thing your mother could have done for you. You were free of obligation to them before this, but hopefully now you really feel it.

You paid far too great a price for living there, but your mother's rejection liberates you: you can live within your means and get used to life without being used!

You should take a back seat and leave them to it. They are grown adults and not your responsibility.

Stop feeling guilty. And find yourself somewhere else to live pronto. I can imagine the atmosphere at your mother's home won't be too great, if it were me I'd book into accommodation somewhere whilst looking; chances are your mum will come to her senses and realise kicking the golden goose out means she won't be able to try and reel you back in.