Do I bail my DB out?

[threesocksmeghan]

This feels so tricky to me but I feel MN would be able to cut through the bull and call it as it is. I have posted similar before but only now has everything come to light. So there is no intention of drip feeding or trolling on my part.

I lent my DB 2.5k in July for his Masters. I didn't want him to do a Masters as he only got a 2:2 for his degree but he was looking at a loan of the same at 48%. We agreed a loan of 10% over 2 years.

He has been late with every payment but paid it. Got kicked off Masters oved back in with DM rent free until last month so hassle paid 500 rent since July.

I lent my DM 2k as she's shit with money, has bailiffs turn up at the door for council tax regularly etc. Plus it was for sorting out the house after the dog flooded it (because she let the insurance lapse.

I've just found out she lent half of it to my DB and swore him to secrecy. Gave him a ridiculous repayment plan (3 mths) and only now is all this crap coming out because none of them can sort it and it's left to me.

My problem is this:

1. it is not my problem and I've already lent him 2.5k + 1k (unknowingly) since may
2. both DM and DB have gone behind my back. I can't trust them and now I look back they've both been nasty buggers with this on top that I had no idea about.
3. my DM has a naice house with a very small mortgage. She has no income but could in principle remortgage or equity release and sort her son out (considering she's so concerned as to use my money to bail him out). She's flat out told me she would rather let him 'sink' or file for bankruptcy. This puts more pressure on me and I feel like telling them both to fuck off as DM owes me 10k+ and if I pay of DBs crap I will have lent him 5k since may. With no assurance he won't borrow from these companies again and no assurances of him, you know, living within his means like the rest of us do??

I want to help but I'm loathe to.

I wouldn't give either of them a shiny penny.

They can be shit with money because you'll bail them out!. If you hadn't lent them money you'd be £10k better off. As it is your £10k down, no hope of repayment & you'll be tapped till you run dry.

I would not think badly of anyone not helping family in this situation, money & family don't mix.

Some people need to fail in order to improve.

Also you need to ask why you feel responsible for them, your not the mum.

Never lend to family.

Either give or don’t give. But never lend.

Next time:
Db: blimey I really need £3k..
You: yes, me too!
Db: well I guess I will have to get a payday loan... the interest is so high though...
You: bummer
Db: they’re going to fleece me for £5k can you believe it
You: bummer
Db: I don’t suppose you could lend me £3k?
You: no. I was about to ask you if you could give ME £3k! How funny is that!!

Draw a line in the sand and stop giving him money now. He is not your problem and the pair of them have no respect for you.

I have a brother in his late 20s who is completely unreliable with money. My mum used to bail him out constantly. When she dIed, my siblings and I inherited 1/3 of her house and then a small chunk of money each which we got right away. The house had tenants in it, and I was the one who got lumped with managing it. The rent came to me and the agreement was that I would hold on to all the money to do the work that needed to be done and as a contingency fund until it was sold and any that was left would be shared equally among us.

He ran through the lump of cash quickly and then started asking me for bits of money here and there, then more then more. He had no contingency plans, no back up. It got to the point where I was so sick of it that I divided up what was left and told him that was it. Then the house sold - her will stated that he had to use the money for a property and my sister would have to hold it until he found one. He had spent the last four months hassling her for money at every opportunity and he's driving her mad. What he thinks will happen when that money is tied up in a property, I have no idea but he's in for a rude awakening as neither of us will ever lend him a penny.

On the flip side my sister and I have both lent each other money when we've needed it while buying properties - she paid me back immediately as agreed, we are paying her back monthly as agreed, it's on time every month and I would do whatever it took to pay her back. She knows this. I'd have no concerns about ever lending her money as I know she would pay it back.

It's one thing to help out family members when they're in dire straits and when they act responsibly and you know you can trust them. These two have consistently proven they cannot be trusted and don't respect the sacrifices you've made for their benefit - they completely take it for granted. If you lend him money to pay off his debts, he will just run up more. If you lend money to your mum she will give it to him.

Just tell them you don't have the money and won't be lending them any more, and you need the money they've borrowed back asap. You don't owe them anything. Some people are just so bloody entitled.

Where is the money going? That is an awful lot of debt to accumulate in less than 6 months , especially if living rent free and I wonder why he was removed from the course (he must have known it was likely when he borrowed in May). Don't lend either any more. By all means pay your way but I think you need to become a stuck record as far as any further "loans" are concerned, that they each need to seek independent help and take responsibility for their spending and lifestyle. Maybe your dm should downsize, your db work rather than hark after a post grad qualification that is beyond him, both contact CAB/stepchange etc. Chances of you being repaid are very small though.

You need to walk away from all this.

You have savings and a job, rent a flat or look for a house share if you don't want to spend that much each month. Move out before the end of November at the latest. You do not want to be financially linked to this mess when they start getting declared bankrupt. Living in the same house will link you.

You might be best off writing off the debts - tell them to pay you when they can but you won't chase it now, you also won't lend anymore.

Then stick to it. You have given your mother help to pay her debts, she's used that money to help your brother avoid the reality of his situation instead.

You can't help anymore unless you take control of their money, which you can't do.

Walk away from this and let them sink.

I think you've found what is often described as a "bottomless pit", OP.

While your family continue to be protected from the consequences of their own decisions, they are never going to use money wisely. They clearly see you as a bank of endless resources, and - knowing that you'll move to help them - are proceeding to run with gay abandon through many thousands of pounds.

You need to set some boundaries, and you need to mean it. That means that you DON'T bail your Mum out next time the bailiffs are round. Let them take some inconsequential things she doesn't need - TV, stereo, etc - and let her live without them. Sadly, it's only by doing this that you'll get a culture change.

I'm sorry you're having to do this. It's a shame, but some people aren't reformed by generosity.

You are not lending your family money, you are giving it to them. If you can afford to give it, and not have it paid back, then fine. However, if you can't afford it, then don't. You won't see the money paid back.

They are your not responsibility (although well done on wanting to help them).

It is time for him and your mum to grow up. I don't think you are seeing the whole picture here my dear. You are single , have no property, live at home with your mum and db , I don't think you are in a good enough position financially to be able to help anyone let alone your feckless brother and mother .Good luck my dear . Let your brother go bankrupt and face up to his life. You do not have to bail him out , you are not your brothers keeper.

No more bail outs, it won't help. Sacrifice any shred of relationship before bailing out. My one exception MIGHT be if loan sharks were in the picture, I.e to save a loved one being beaten half to death but that aside no bail outs.

Send you mother and brother to a website called debtcamel - it is fantastic, run by a retired CAB advisor but lots of people gaining refunds because they shouldn't of been lent the money so whilst the half to of repaid the loan principle, they might get interest and charges refunded.

If your brother and mother both or individually end up bankrupt, it is a consequence of their actions, not yours. None of this is your fault or your choice.

Tough love, one day they will thank you, even if they never say it!

Please move out before they are declared bankrupt.

It'll cause you problems forever more if your credit checks are linked for them.

You could be out in a couple of weeks easily.

Agree with everyone else. Neither your Mother or Brother are going to change their behaviour unless you do.

Maybe they need to drown in bankruptcy to learn. If you continue to bail them out, they will continue to piss money up the wall.

Do not give either of them any more money. I have been in a similar situation, although not for anywhere near these amounts. I never got all my money back.

Are you paying rent at home? If not, I would offer to take over payment of a couple of bills, the council tax would be a good one as it's so vital to keep up to date. That then gives you a solid reason not lend your DM any more money as you are already paying the bills . As for DB, just no. You don't even need to give a reason.

If you are paying rent, then your mum should be able to pay the bills from that?

Then I would save like mad to get out of there and away from these two bloodsuckers asap. They are basically financially abusing you.

Neither of them will learn if you keep bailing them out. They best thing you can do is signpost them to debt/budgeting advice.

No, you've helped them both repeatedly. And in return it doesn't sound like they have made much effort to sort our their finances, probably because they expect you to keep sorting them out. I think now is the time to say 'sorry but I've already lent you X amount, and I'm not lending you any more'. At the moment you're enabling their bad financial habits and they're probably not going to start sorting them and getting their heads out of the sand until they have to stand on their own two feet and deal with the consequences.

How did the dog flood the house?

As suggested by a previous poster I'd see if there was a way to get the loan to your Mum formalized and get a charge or whatever it is called on the house. Alternatively could you just buy a share of her house - it would at least mean you will eventually get something back for you money. You would have to speak with someone who knows what they are talking about (I don't!) as it might not be possible especially as there is still a mortgage on the house.

You could offer to go with him to a bank and get a consolidation loan at a lower interest rate to pay off the payday lenders? Citizens Advice could recommend somewhere similar as well.

catiinbo0ts I suspect the DB flooded the house and blamed it on the dog - seeing as he can't seem to take responsibility for anything in his life

Pay your mum a fair rent, and let her do whatever she wants with that.

Better still - get on with renting elsewhere again so you're not under this pressure.

You need to understand that there is no point wiping out these loans for your brother, because he'll just take out more. So you are literally giving your money to loan sharks.

In your shoes, I'd use my savings to move the hell out!

You need to detach a bit.

You.need to lie to them about money (they won't leave you alone until they have all your money)

Make a plan for freedom!

Dh thinks mil is bailing sil out. Sil is 47.

These situations rumble on for years if you let them.

Time to make the grown ups, grow up. STOP being the family ATM.

Your DM doesn't pay bill and bailiff come knocking she has to sort out a repayment plan with them.

Your DB ask for more tell him no, if he really needs it then he needs to get either a better paying job, or a second job.

If you keep giving them your money then you are never going to be able leave home or save any money.

You will dwindle Away all your savings and then when you having nothing left, this pair of infantile wastrels will STILL end up losing your Mum’s house to bailiffs.

Don’t pay: put him in touch with that loan advice charity. Go and see a charity-based debt advice service with him. That way there is some chance of actually helping him change his behaviour.

Lending ££ to relatives is for proper emergencies. All this loaning him ££ with a repayment plan makes him THINK it is a grown up arrangement and above board but basically you are acting like a bank with no boundaries or security.

You are daft to get sucked in.

You've had (mostly) good advice here. Sorry I can't put it more tactfully: It's time to stop being a mug.