Do I bail my DB out?

[threesocksmeghan]

This feels so tricky to me but I feel MN would be able to cut through the bull and call it as it is. I have posted similar before but only now has everything come to light. So there is no intention of drip feeding or trolling on my part.

I lent my DB 2.5k in July for his Masters. I didn't want him to do a Masters as he only got a 2:2 for his degree but he was looking at a loan of the same at 48%. We agreed a loan of 10% over 2 years.

He has been late with every payment but paid it. Got kicked off Masters oved back in with DM rent free until last month so hassle paid 500 rent since July.

I lent my DM 2k as she's shit with money, has bailiffs turn up at the door for council tax regularly etc. Plus it was for sorting out the house after the dog flooded it (because she let the insurance lapse.

I've just found out she lent half of it to my DB and swore him to secrecy. Gave him a ridiculous repayment plan (3 mths) and only now is all this crap coming out because none of them can sort it and it's left to me.

My problem is this:

1. it is not my problem and I've already lent him 2.5k + 1k (unknowingly) since may
2. both DM and DB have gone behind my back. I can't trust them and now I look back they've both been nasty buggers with this on top that I had no idea about.
3. my DM has a naice house with a very small mortgage. She has no income but could in principle remortgage or equity release and sort her son out (considering she's so concerned as to use my money to bail him out). She's flat out told me she would rather let him 'sink' or file for bankruptcy. This puts more pressure on me and I feel like telling them both to fuck off as DM owes me 10k+ and if I pay of DBs crap I will have lent him 5k since may. With no assurance he won't borrow from these companies again and no assurances of him, you know, living within his means like the rest of us do??

I want to help but I'm loathe to.

How old is he? Is he looking for a job? If not why not? Was the Masters just to keep him out of work a little longer?

No you do not, go buy yourself a house

Stop lending either of them money. You are enabling them both.

He is 24. He just doesn't know how to say no - eg someone will say go out on the piss and he will

No. Nope. Naddah.

If your DM is willing to throw your DB into bankruptcy then she too should expect the same. No money for her, no money for him and repayment plans need to now happen.

Short answer: no.
Long answer: no.

So is he looking for work now?

Do not go to cab with him

Do not run credit reports with him

The biggest problem is that you're enabling and taking responsibility for their problems

Get out, literally and finally financially, now

Stop lending this greedy feckless pair money. Let them face the consequences of their stupidity.

Move out and get on with your life.

Agree that he will only do things like go to cab with you if he thinks you will eventually give him money. If you then don't put out he will be genuinely aggrieved.

This will keep happening until they bleed you dry. They won't change anything until they hit rock bottom and at this rate that will only be when they've been through all you money and you've anything left to give.

Stop enabling them to live beyond their means at your expense.

*nothing left to give

Have you got a written loan agreement with your Mum?

Have you asked for your money back from your DM?

If they both acknowledge the debts but can’t / won’t pay reliably with a payment plan. Ask your DM to consolidate her loan with the extra she gave your DB and then you put a charge on the property. If you can afford to ‘loose’ this money now, I think this is the only way you’ll be able to recoup your money.

Mentally write off what your DB owes you and never loan again. If he pays you (some) the money - great. But proberbly not.

Why a charge on DMs house? Your family can’t manage money. They will pay back in dribs and drabs and let’s face you’re never seeing that money again. This way your DM feels she’s not paying you back. You will (eventually) get the money back.

Move out.

They both need to take responsibility for themselves and you need to stop taking the responsibility. Your mother is in debt to you, but would let your brother sink rather lend him money, whilst happily taking money from you? She needs to sort out herself, work out what she’s willing to do for him and you need to step back. No one wants to see family fail, but when they are choosing to fail, enabling them is t going to help the stop.

I think you should help him. After all he’s your brother, and therefore family. You have no other dependents and are living back at the family home. Just think of how guilty you’d feel if he went bankrupt or if bailiffs turned up at your home demanding entry - the shame of it on your poor mother.

I definitely would clear his debts.

Can you move out? I suspect the pressure will be less if you're not actually around them

But hell no. You shouldn't bail him out. You have helped. He is a fuckwit with money. If you give him more money he will throw it away and STILL come grovelling back to you for more.

Your mum can't be trusted. For some reason she also sees you as a cash cow. Small mortgage yet didn't have house insurance? Why does it fall to you to sort that out?

Are you the eldest? I ask as sometimes eldest children feel a certain responsibility

They are not your responsibility. You have done way more for them than most. You can help them by pointing them in the direction of CAB etc

erm, I think your bro has found the thread

sorry that was in reference to AtHomeDad

AtHomeDad

Are you on glue??

Fuck this for a game of soldiers! I will never end until all your money is gone.

I guess if you pay your mum rent whilst you are living back at home she can do what she wants with it. But don't give anything else.

It would be better if you moved out and cut them off.

Tante

She has helped him AtHome. The question is what you do when someone takes the help you give and pisses it up the wall. After all, she's his sister. Imagine her distress if her brother goes bankrupt. Shouldn't he want to help her?

Can I get this right? You are lending him money to go out on the piss? Do you like your money literally being pissed up against the wall? Why not cut out the middle man and flush it straight down the toilet?

Your mother can bail him out if anyone can. She’s his mother. Not you. Although he is a grown man and nobody should be bailing him outta!

What did your mum spend her 10k on

You are not the family piggy bank and all the time you're bailing them out they'll never learn to manage their finances.

Find somewhere else to live and leave them to it, but encourage them to seek debt advice.