Do I bail my DB out?

[threesocksmeghan]

This feels so tricky to me but I feel MN would be able to cut through the bull and call it as it is. I have posted similar before but only now has everything come to light. So there is no intention of drip feeding or trolling on my part.

I lent my DB 2.5k in July for his Masters. I didn't want him to do a Masters as he only got a 2:2 for his degree but he was looking at a loan of the same at 48%. We agreed a loan of 10% over 2 years.

He has been late with every payment but paid it. Got kicked off Masters oved back in with DM rent free until last month so hassle paid 500 rent since July.

I lent my DM 2k as she's shit with money, has bailiffs turn up at the door for council tax regularly etc. Plus it was for sorting out the house after the dog flooded it (because she let the insurance lapse.

I've just found out she lent half of it to my DB and swore him to secrecy. Gave him a ridiculous repayment plan (3 mths) and only now is all this crap coming out because none of them can sort it and it's left to me.

My problem is this:

1. it is not my problem and I've already lent him 2.5k + 1k (unknowingly) since may
2. both DM and DB have gone behind my back. I can't trust them and now I look back they've both been nasty buggers with this on top that I had no idea about.
3. my DM has a naice house with a very small mortgage. She has no income but could in principle remortgage or equity release and sort her son out (considering she's so concerned as to use my money to bail him out). She's flat out told me she would rather let him 'sink' or file for bankruptcy. This puts more pressure on me and I feel like telling them both to fuck off as DM owes me 10k+ and if I pay of DBs crap I will have lent him 5k since may. With no assurance he won't borrow from these companies again and no assurances of him, you know, living within his means like the rest of us do??

I want to help but I'm loathe to.

I lent(well actually gave money as I never saw any of it again) to family members in the past. A very hard lesson learned
You are doing right not to help your relatives because they are just using you.
Let them both enable each other with their childish behaviour.

That care of yourself first and foremost in life and don't feel guilty at all as you have done more than enough for these ungrateful people.

Thank goodness they’ve kicked you out.
Run. Run away. NEVER lend them money again. You could be buying yourself a lovely little flat somewhere.

If you have enough savings that you can give away 12k and have more to spare then being kicked out is a blessing. You can build a lovely life for yourself.

Ploppie4 I sent them both a text. DB is away on the piss up/shag with his long distance gf and hasn't replied. DM has seen it and come on the attack and told me to leave.

It won't seem like it now, but that was the best possible outcome, save you getting your money back from both of them on the spot.

I don't suppose you have anything in writing regarding the money you've lent them? I'd go to a solicitor and see if there's any way you can legally attempt to get it back. You'll feel shit about doing it, but as they've just evicted you they obviously don't care about your feelings, so I wouldn't waste energy worrying about theirs.

So 15K of your money has been spent by your DM and your DB and you have no way of getting it back?

Sadly, I think you are right: they both have significant problems handling their finances and real life and you have to stop bailing them out.

No more loans. Move out: check that neither are using your identity to set up lines of credit which you will need to cover.

Had you been paying your mother rent while you stayed with her? If not then you should probably take that from the total sum she owes you.

stay strong! And be prepared for another emergency/flood/threat of eviction and/or backruptcy.

And remember you're not helping if you bail them out. You're just digging a bigger hole for them. When they accuse you of being disloyal/uncaring sister/daughter - just remember you're doing the best thing.

TimeIhadaNameChange I have an agreement in writing with DB for the original 2.5k at 125 a month. Although he's been late with almost every payment he has kept up to date.

DM is another matter. When I moved back in I paid mortgage arrears and some other debts, and she lives day to day via my credit card. I've now taken that back but we didn't have a written agreement although I do have texts from her acknowledging the debt.

Never mind your DB, your mother needs to get a job, start paying her mortgage herself and shape up! Relying on your children to keep you financially afloat is so wrong...

Maybe your mother could rent rooms in her nice home to paying lodgers

Cut your card up, order a new on with a new PIN immediately, she knows all this information and will continue using it, with or without your permission. Get looking at some flats today, can you afford a mortgage?

If they stop paying you back, small claims court may be helpful?

You really are best off out of there. Sorry they’ve treated you so badly, but they’re both ‘instant gratificationers’ and not interested in doing the sensible money thing. It is a nightmare for everyone else, but they have a nice time.

Only ever lend —give— what you can afford to lose.

Don’t let your mum guilt-trip you into giving her any more. If she says she has to sell her much loved home (violins) remind her of other options like equity release but don’t say a word about your own money.

Your bro might get his head down and do something sensible if he doesn’t have enough dosh to piss away.

Ask your bro to set up a repayment standing order.

You won’t be seeing any money back from them, just write off what they owe you.

Good luck for your future and don’t ever lend either of them a penny again.

(Also Make sure your card details etc aren’t stored somewhere if your DM has been using your credit card she probably has it linked up to pay fur all sorts)

Card situation needs sorting out ASAP.

You're not obliged to lend money to your family and in this situation I wouldn't do it.

As a general rule I do believe in helping out friends and family when it's possible, but loans between family/friends rely on absolute trust between the parties - clearly not the case here.

I'd honestly take the free half hour with a solicitor and see if there's anything you can do. Yes, you may feel it will damage your relationship with them further, but it's terrible anyway, and the fact that you're doing something, even if it goes nowhere, will help you feel better.

WRT the credit card, cancel the current one and get a replacement. As pp have said it's likely your mother will have the details saved, online if not on paper, and if she does, she'll continue to use it. I would do that as soon as possible to protect yourself. I would also sign up with Experian or similar and check your credit rating. I wouldn't put it past them to take out credit in your name.

Good luck, and hope you find somewhere lovely to live soon.

Cancel the card, even though she has given it back.

Are there any assets you could demand in lieu of cash?

Cancel the card, move out, go no contact except for insisting your brother keeps up with the repayments.
They are both taking you for granted a couldn't care less for you if it weren't for the money.

Do keep an eye on your credit reports too. Make sure no loans or cards get taken out in your name.

This is good news. They've put a stop to the arrangement while you still have some money left. Don't let them bleed you any further,

You don't want to be worrying about your credit rating being fucked over by your mums failure to pay bills

This is not true. I reiterate, you're not linked financially just because you live at the same address. You have to be linked through joint bank accounts, mortgage etc.

Please stop giving this wrong advice.

Ploppie4 you seem a little over invested in this thread! You've posted 16 times, 8 of those on the first page!

OP Sorry that you've been kicked out, but at least you know now how they see you, that they only value you for the money you give them.
I suspect your mum will end up getting the house repossessed and instead of buying a smaller house, she'll spend all the money. Still, that's her lookout and you shouldn't feel any guilt.

I'm sorry that you haven't got a decent mum.

Well now I feel really mean DB has responded to my text with okay and a ok emoji hand signal

He's now stuck with pretty much all of his income (he works in a supermarket 5-6 days a week) repaying these loans. Almost 1k just in interest!

I know you're all right and I've done the right thing but I feel so so guilty

Stop with the guilt.
THEY make you feel like this.
NONE of it is your fault.
They need to learn to manage their money.
You've helped loads already.
And if you pay rent then I think your DM will back-pedal pretty fast.
But do get out and get away from the leeches!
They are doing you no favours other than sucking your bank balance dry.

And... phone your bank now and cancel that credit card.
She can still use it on-line and no doubt, will use it.
Cancel and get a new one issued.
That is a priority!!!

You've been too nice.
That's not a bad thing but it's time to stop being a mug and get out there and keep away from them.