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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Little boys long hair

146 replies

Misspollyhadadollie · 24/10/2017 23:29

My son keeps telling me people in his school think he is a girl, when I ask him why he says cause of his hair. I don't want to cut it and he hasn't asked but I don't want him being teased either. Wibu to not cut it??

OP posts:
AuntLydia · 25/10/2017 06:14

I disagree that this should prompt you to ask if he wants his hair cut. It's almost like saying those kids are right to take the mick out of him. If asks unprompted then fair enough but I feel very uncomfortable with the idea that our kids come home saying they are being picked on for x or y reason and we ask THEM to change.

Speak to the school - the not allowing him in the boys toilets is particularly nasty and it needs stopping now.

Yeeeha · 25/10/2017 06:14

That sounds like you think having long hair is an intrinsic part of being a girl. And it's not.

Of course it’s not. To be honest I just tend to go for an easy option and pick my battles in life. When there are so many things in life that cause us shit that we have no control over, if you can avoid extra grief by being mainstream then why expose yourself or you kids to extra, unnecessary, hassle?

Like I said “I don’t see the benefit”

lookingbeyond40 · 25/10/2017 06:23

Reading with interest! My son is 2 and a half and has ringlets down to his back. When it’s wet it’s down to his bottom!! (He was born with loads of hair!!) He often gets mistaken for a girl and my older son laughs when I put it up saying ‘he looks like a girl’. I have to reinforce that boys can have long hair too.

My Mum is adamant that I cut it, her reason being ‘but he’s a boy!!!’ I get so angry with this response. If a girl had long beautiful ringlets, no one would expect me to cut it would they?

I understand it’s probably harder as they get to school, but I’d ask him what he wants to do.

TheChristmasFaery · 25/10/2017 06:23

My 5 year old boy has short hair and informed me the other day that he wants to grow it long now, "to be like a famous pop star" Smile

MyDearAnnie · 25/10/2017 06:25

if you can avoid extra grief by being mainstream then why expose yourself or you kids to extra, unnecessary, hassle?

Thank you for explaining Grin

I don't think I have ever, in my entire life, aspired to be 'mainstream', and I doubt I ever will Grin. I don't tend to base my decisions on what means strangers will give me the least hassle.

Timetogetup0630 · 25/10/2017 06:42

Ask him what he wants.

BertieBotts · 25/10/2017 07:03

The thing is, if they were bullying him for having curly hair you wouldn't at this age suggest that he has a relaxing treatment, if they were bullying him for being ginger, you wouldn't dye it.

For that reason (plus the fact that it's sexist/homophobic) you do need to speak to the teacher first.

But I would also let him know that it's possible to go from short to long hair and vice versa, and let him choose. It is a bit mean at 5 years old not to tell him about the possibility of having short hair because you're worried about him choosing it for the wrong reasons. He's 5! Explain to him that if he does get it cut it will take a long time to grow back and let him decide. You could look at mid length hair cuts too.

BertieBotts · 25/10/2017 07:05

BTW if the school point out that he could cut his hair, ask them how they would deal with a child who was being bullied for their ginger/afro hair. Because unless they have a uniform policy regarding hair they have no right to suggest that a child cuts theirs.

Candlelight234 · 25/10/2017 07:05

Ask yourself honestly is it being kept long for you or him?
If he wants it cut please do so, as a PP has said he may not realise he has the option of having it cut.

SpaghettiAndMeatballs · 25/10/2017 07:06

I had short hair sometimes when I was a girl, and people thought I was a boy. One of my DSes has curly hair and gets mistaken for a girl a fair bit - he's 5, he puts them straight.

The school needs to stamp on this bullying before it gets started. It's one thing having a 5 year old being confused and questioning because they've never seen a girl with short hair or a boy with long hair, it's quite another being mean about it.

Lozmatoz · 25/10/2017 07:06

@tempstamos yes! I remember when I was 6 being called a boy when I had a short hair cut.

LoniceraJaponica · 25/10/2017 07:06

Your son's hair length shouldn't be about what you want. Have you even given him the option of having it cut if he wants to?

I find long hair on young children impractical. DD's hair used to take forever to dry at that age.

Procrastination4 · 25/10/2017 07:19

Re. 5yr olds asking boys with long hair if they are girls-it could actually be a genuine question, you know! I know this from experience. A couple of years ago I had a boy in my class (newly arrived to reception, so not known to the other teachers). As the children wear school tracksuits rather than traditional uniforms, I witnessed several teachers mistaking this boy for a girl, so much so that, eventually if any unaware adult came into the classroom, I discreetly made them aware that the child was a boy! So not all 5yr olds may be being “mean” asking a child if the child is a boy or girl-they may not genuinely know!

user789653241 · 25/10/2017 07:24

My ds started having long hair since 5, and it's totally his choice. When he started to tie his hair, he was teased a lot, but determined not to cut it. He get mistaken for girl a lot by strangers, but he just shrugs his shoulders.
Now no body really tease him for his hair at 9. Once supply teacher has mistaken him for a girl and whole class shouted he is a boy.

Kittysparks1 · 25/10/2017 07:27

This is a very interesting post. I've just had a son and it's brought to my attention I will be choosing his appearance until he can do it himself. That's pretty daunting.

I have very short cropped hair, I have it shaved off every 6 weeks because I can't stand the washing/drying/messing around, so I guess I will have my sons hair cut short until he decides if he wants to grow it just for an easy life, but I wonder if I would do the same if he was a she... gender stereotypes are so deeply engrained....

Anyway, OP, I agree with the majority. Speak to school first. I also don't think it's unreasonable to let your little one know all his hair options and leave it to him.

ownedbySWD · 25/10/2017 07:31

One of the main reasons I don't want long hair for my ds is nit prevention. With my dds I put their hair into high bunches and plaits with hairspray to keep nits away. Most boys I've seen leave their long hair loose.

AuntLydia · 25/10/2017 07:33

So he's 5 and in a school where long hair on boys is unusual enough to get him picked on and people think he may not realise he can have his hair cut short?! I can't imagine that's the case.

It's weird this idea that his long hair must be something his mum/the op is insisting on. Kind of shows how strong those gender stereotypes are. We wouldn't assume a dad is insisting on short hair on his daughter. It's an accusation literally only levelled at mums with sons with long hair - presumably because only a strong feminine influence could result in a boy with long hair.

Swissgemma · 25/10/2017 07:42

I have a 2 year old with blond curls. he's had two haircuts ever and then only what a quick tidy and having his fringe cut so he can see! you can put it in a bobble - but he tends to pull one out. I am always told he needs a haircut as he looks like a girl (all the boy toddlers round here have pretty much buzz cuts). I love his curls and until he asks otherwise he will keep them! when wet his hair is passed his shoulders but when dry it springs into a halo. The only oddity is that people touch his hair all the time (memorably an entire coach of japanese tourists near the tower of london).

LoniceraJaponica · 25/10/2017 07:42

Analysis the OP has stated that she wants her son to have long hair, several times. As long as it is clean I couldn't care less

flyingpigsinclover · 25/10/2017 07:44

I had to have very short hair as a child; I wasn't allowed it long. I was frequently called a boy.

Babbitywabbit · 25/10/2017 07:44

Auntlydia- the OP said herself that she doesn’t want to cut his hair which makes it pretty clear it’s her choice. Out of interest OP do you also choose his clothes for him (other than days where he wears school uniform if he has one) ?
I can’t imagine dictating hairstyle or clothes once my kids were school age

FenceSitter01 · 25/10/2017 07:52

It comes under homophobic bullying

The words gay or homosexual haven't been mentioned.

Milkandtwosugars · 25/10/2017 07:54

There is a boy in my DS year, he’s nearly 6 now. His hair is literally longer than his waist. It’s longer than his sisters hair!

He has it in a braid, in a ponytail etc. I’ve seen it down a few times but not many.

I don’t know if he gets picked on. But if he does, it hasn’t stopped him keeping all his hair.

kaytee87 · 25/10/2017 07:58

He may not know it’s an option to have it cut. I think you need to ask him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 25/10/2017 07:59

It comes under homophobic bullying

The words gay or homosexual haven’t been mentioned.

Agreed. Fgs the kid is 5! As someone explained upthread, at this age, children don’t understand that gender is fixed.

All op needs to do is get the teacher to have a chat to the children about it, in general terms. Girls can have short hair and wear trousers, boys can have long hair and wear pink.

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