To think my medical notes are confidential

[jessicathecat]

I was recently in hospital and dp picked up my medical notes and started casually leafing through them

He got all huffy when i asked him to stop! Was i being unreasonable?

Dr, nurse or dh would need a couple of suitcases and a weeks leave to read my medical notes

If someone was supporting me with a current hospital stay and the bed notes were there I would not have a problem with them reading them. Whilst I don't understand keeping secrets from someone you are in a long term or permanent relationship with, it's entirely up to the individual.

I open all mail at home because I'm here, children at school and dh can't be bothered. If he asked me not to now after 36 years I might well feel suspicious.

kurri and hiddley you're doing exactly the same thing. You're rounding on someone who sees things differently to you and deciding things about them based on what you personally think is reasonable.

No I'm not - I said to Silverbells good for her - I've got no problem at all with however she chooses to be in her relationships or what she thinks is Ok for her. I have a problem with her saying that no one else is allowed to think diferently. I'm not saying she is right or wrong, because there is no right or wrong - people have different boundaries of privacy.

I have given her the courtesy of accepting her opinion on what works for her - sadly she is not able to do that regarding anyone else, And has said that if we don;t agree with her, we have shit relationships. Based on her concept of a shit relationship - which is surely very subjective.

I haven't rounded on her at all - I have disagreed with the way she has projected her idea of normality on to everyone else. I haven't actually said whether I have shared medical information with partners in the past, or what my own boundareis are - it isn't relevant to the general discussion on whether people have right to privacy.
I am simply advocating a little understanding from Silverbells that just because she does things one way, doesn't mean that is the only way, people can have perfectly good happy relationships and have privacy boundaries.

Normality is a trusting healthy relationship with a partner. I know that this doesn't happen in lots of instances. But this is what women should strive for.

I said up thread that I understood then got told i was patronising. I don't believe in non trust and that to me isn't a relationship, I also know that these people in their hearts know it too.

I don't know tbh. I can't see myself being overly bothered about dp reading my notes, but then I don't think I would be happy if he just presumed this and started reading them IYKWIM

If you cannot trust your partner and want to keep secrets from them then you should really have a long hard look at this and wonder why you are with them. They should be like your best friend and a bit more. How people live their lives with anything less is a travesty and very sad indeed.

Kurri I'm not going to speak for someone else because obviously they can do that for themselves. However these types of discussion go round in circles because people are not willing to accept that others have a different opinions that others can't fathom or they decide that another person not being able to grasp their point of view is an insult or criticism.

I don't understand being in a relationship without that level of openess.

I also don't understand people who go to the loo in front of their partners.

I think not being open and going to the loo in front of a partner is wierd because it is weird for me. If somebody asks me my opinion I would say it was weird. If others choose to use my person belief of weirdness as a criticism of them that is their business.

Thank you Silverbells - you have just exactly illustrated the point I have been making. I rest my case. Your statements regarding normality and what women 'should' want, are opinions, nothing more, Because these things are subjective. Yet you state them as facts.

I think the chances of you understanding that others have (and are allowed to have) different viewpoints from you are zero. So discussion is fairly futile.

I wouldn't want my husband reading my notes in the local hospital. During my previous marriage I was there following an incident with my ex husband. Whilst I have made it obvious there was abuse I have never gone into detail and he respects that. He also doesn't open my post, read my phone over my shoulder or go through email at all. Whilst I have nothing to hide there, he knows I don't like it. But again I have never specified the situations that led to my drawing a line there.
It is really important to have and respect privacy in a relationship. If my husband were to ask to read something of mine I would be fine, but the assumption is just a coin toss away from controlling behaviour as it is acting as though entitled. No one is entitled to invade your privacy.

Ive just illustrated that this is an AIBU thread and not a relationship one. Yes women should aim higher. I understand a lot more than you could possible think. Telling women they shouldn't annoys the feck out of me. Still treating people like poor victims is unnecessary and bloody damaging.

It is not treating someone like a victim to agree with them that their husband was in the wrong to casually flick through his wife's medical information without asking.

This was a thread about bed notes. No its not the hospitals fault at all that they need to have these. The OP then stated that she didn't want her DP to know. Yet he was still her DP. Empowering women is not about blaming a hospital is it? Then turning around the fact that a healthy relationship is built on trust. Therefore I have no damn Idea why you are castigating me for anything other than your warped sense of helping women.

Normality is a trusting healthy relationship with a partner

Who are you to define normality, or trusting or indeed healthy? I have a trusting, healthy relationship with my husband; he can read my medical notes, my weight, my email or snailmail (mostly he has to, letters addressed to me are usually finance related and that's his job anyway), we use the loo in front of each other all the time, we shower together, he helped clean me up after childbirth both times etc etc.

But he asks my permission any time he wants to go into my handbag or work bag to retrieve something - and sometimes I give it and sometimes I don't. No rhyme or reason to it and because he trusts me, when I say "No, I'll get it myself" he doesn't get suspicious or nosy. He accepts it at face value and thanks me when I retrieve whatever it was he was after.

This isn't about what you or anyone else considers to be normal. This started with about the OP feeling uncomfortable because her nosy DP read her personal, confidential medical files. If she isn't comfortable with him knowing something about her it doesn't say anything about the levels of trust or health with their relationship, just that that's one of her personal boundaries. My handbag is most definitely mine :-)

I understand a lot more than you could possible think.

No, you really don't.

I don;t feel remotely criticised or insulted - and I don;t think I;ve indicated that I do Soapbox
I don;t think that the way you feel about relationships is in any way acriticism of me - I have enouh self belief to be confident in my own views, i don;t need them to be validated by anyone else. I am quite happy to engage in discussion and accept other think differently from me. if your relationship works - good for you, that's great. Other people's relationships may work in a different way. But they still work.

You may not understand how they work, but if someone tells me that a certain way of living works for them, I'm prepared to accept that even though it may be different from my way.

The main thing about respect in my opinion is to ask what your partner is comfortable with in terms of privacy, and respect their wishes.

One thing thats lightly puzzles me about your post (although it may be a typo - in which case apologies) you say

*I don't understand being in a relationship without that level of openess.

I also don't understand people who go to the loo in front of their partners. *

Which would suggest you do have some privacy boundaries, which you have established with your partner. Unless you meant 'people who won't go to the loo...' in which case I am making a non-point so ignore.

Here we go. Yes it is. The op, if you read it was about medical notes then it transpired that they were bed notes and she has a relationship built on distrust. It is not the hospitals fault and long may they continue to have these.

Normal is a healthy relationship where you share things as best friends do.

Anything other is not a normal healthy partnership.

No idea why I have to fight a cause on normal and healthy. Im out of here.

Still treating people like poor victims is unnecessary and bloody damaging.

No one is doing this - what on earth do you mean ?

Saying a woman has a right to autonomy in matters relating to her own body is treating her like a victim and damaging ? Just the opposite I would have thought.

My best friend is not privy to every single fact about my life. That's normal and healthy. What's not normal and healthy to me is having to disclose your every thought to your husband. That suggests a controlling relationship to me and it is you silverbell who should be looking at your relationship and not us.

Yes there should be trust, openness in a relationship, but also you should have boundaries. These will differ from person to person, but everyone is entitled to privacy, and no partner has the right to just look through the partner's medical file without asking, or being invited to.

I would make exceptions, for example the daughter whose father was unconscious, and very ill. But in the OP's case - definitely NBU. I'm mildly surprised anyone thinks she WBU - even if you wouldn't mind it yourself, surely you can respect that other people might mind?

If I got hit by a car or just collapsed unconscious I would want doctors and paramedics to know my medical history to give me the best and quickest treatment possible. Hence DP knows my medical history. And the reverse is true as well. Who wants to wait for medical records to come in from elsewhere when treatment is needed?

Sharing your medical history with your partner does not mean that they are controlling! Honeslty, some of the stuff I read on here is just astounding.

Yes Scottish. Due to the nature of my medical conditions A&E would need to know about them straight away and wouldn't have time to dig through my records so it is essential that DH is aware of everything.

Another good point scottish , I've just been diagnosed with adrenal failure likely to be Addison's disease so am steroid dependent . I carry a steroid card if I have my bag but can't wear a medic alert bracelet as I get terrible contact dermatitis with any jewellery / watch straps / chains etc . If I collapsed it would likely be a an adrenal crisis and that would not be the first thing a hospital would think of as it's pretty rare still .