To not get why people put their DC to bed early

[RogerThatOver]

...when it's unnecessary?

I get that if you all have to be up and out for 7.30 then they'd need to be in bed early.

But my SIL has 3 DC under 5, none at school and no plans to return to work at any point. Her DC are in bed for 6pm. That means being stuck in the house from 4pm every day which I would hate. They get up at 5/5.30 which she complains about endlessly but what does she expect if they go to bed so early? They can't go on days out because the DC are tired by lunch time and have to be home to nap, they don't do family parties or weddings because the DC cannot travel after 3pm and need to be home to wind down for bed by 4pm.

I also have 3 DC under 5. Mine go to bed at 9 and get up at around 8, sometimes later at the weekend. We can have full days out, if there's a party or wedding they can happily stay up until midnight. We can go to the park til bedtime in the summer and never need to rush home. They have an older sibling at school and are all ready on time to take her at 8.30 so their bedtime won't need major adjustment when they start school.

SIL and MIL are both very judgey about my DC's bedtime with SIL saying at the weekend that my DC must be 'chronically overtired' because they were still dancing at a family party at midnight. The hours of sleep they get are actually no different but IMO a later bedtime means my DC can do more in life. SIL admits she spends every morning drinking coffee with the kids watching tv until 10 because she's so tired, then if they go out they need to be home for naps by 12. She doesn't seem happy with the way things are but so many people seem to think it's just the way things must be with young DC.

AIBU to not understand the obsession with early bedtimes, coupled with complaints about early rises?

When my two were little they went to bed at 7. Mainly because they couldn’t last any longer without getting niggley or whiney and any later they’d be overtired little shits the next day. I was lucky as they’d sleep 7-7.

One of my friends didn’t put her DD to bed until about 10. While mine were tucked up in bed asleep she was taking her daughter swimming.

People just need to carry on with what works for them.

Surely all parents just do what suits the child they've got. We got one who wants early nights and can't stay up late

DS was the incredible sleeping child from 12 months to 3 years and would sleep for 14/15 hours a night straight through and still have a two hour nap in the afternoon. The only thing is he would never sleep anywhere other than his bed or the car. We don't have a single photo of him fallen asleep on the sofa, in his dinner or in a strange place.

Whilst his sleeping was legendary amongst our friends, we also found it restricted us somewhat. We wouldn't stay out beyond 7pm as he'd turn into a nightmare when he's tired - he gets weirdly manic if we try to keep him up and his behaviour is awful. It was restrictive but what's the point of an evening out if no one is enjoying it? He's tired and getting upset because we're trying to control his behaviour and we're stressed trying to manage him.

We went on holiday with friends whose child would happily just sit quietly in the pushchair when tired when we were out in the evening and she might fall asleep or just play with a toy. We were green with envy as we were trying to deal with DS who turned into the devil because he needed to be in bed. So this last year we went on holiday alone and hired a fabulous apartment with garden. We'd have a lovely leisurely lunch out when DS would behave impeccably and then in the evening DH and I would sit in the garden and have wine and some cold tapas or similar for dinner while DS got his much needed sleep. We tried to go out a couple of evenings but even if we got through the evening unscathed, the meltdowns the next day just weren't worth it.

He's been better this few months and we will keep him out/up occasionally (not routinely) at weekends or holiday. He doesn't need wind down time and will go straight to bed as soon as we get in. If he's stayed up, we notice it the next day as he doesn't really sleep beyond 7am and 10 hours sleep isn't enough for him.

He turned 4 at the end of August and has just started school. Bedtime tends to be 715/730. To be honest, it could do with being earlier as he's up at 645am and he's tired but we don't get home until 530pm so want to spend some time with him. I'm hoping he'll be less tired as the year goes on so maybe we can start spending a bit more time together with a slightly later bedtime.

I guess the crux of all that waffle is just go with the flow - work with, not against, your child's natural tendencies for sleep, if at all possible

You're both very judgy TBH

We always had 730ish bedtimes when they were under 5, DS1 was always able to stay up late for special occasions and would wake up later but DS2 struggled and would still wake up before 6am regardless. We had a Gro clock and he wasn't allowed in till 645am as it was way too early for me!

Once at school DS2 was even more tired so was in bed similar time but started waking up 6/630, if he went to bed late he'd still wake up early but just fall asleep in the car on the way home from school. If we went out late he'd just fall asleep at the party or something so we still did stuff.

It really depends on the children and TBH I like to have some time in the evening with DH so definitely would not have wanted 5 YOs up at 9pm! It will change once they are at school and your SIL will probably be glad that they have a decent routine.

DS1 is 11 and goes to bed about 10/1030 but potters around upstairs from 830, DS2 is 9 and goes to bed at 830/9. usually upstairs by 8.

Stop judging her! My child goes to bed between 6 and 7 because he is ratty and angry and sleeps horribly if he goes any later. The later we tried the more he woke in the night and the earlier he got up in the morning.

Maybe her kids are the same? I wish my child could stay up later so i could spend more time with him (full time work/nursery) but it just doesnt work for him and hes like a different child when hes over tired.

I agree with you. Obviously everyone should do what works for them but it obviously isn't working if she is unhappy about the fact they wake up at 5/5.30. As for "judging"....I don't see why you shouldn't have an opinion on her routine either considering that she is happy to criticise you about yours..

Thanks Bubble, sounds like a great little set up!

my three year old goes to bed at 730pm - up at 715am. On saturdays, i don't know how she does it, but she goes to bed at 7-ish pm and wakes up after 930am. Only on Saturdays. Totally bizarre.

My 1 year old sometimes goes down at 7pm and is up at 645am for his feed with me before i head off to work at 720am. Sometimes if he sleeps in the afternoon he sleeps later - 730pm.

I had the opposite thing, my kids at that age went to bed around 7 and got up around 7am but no obsession with strict routine. My nephew the same age my daughter went to bed at 10 pm or later. When we all stayed at my mum's it was a right pain because we and my parents wanted to have a grown up evening but he was still running around wanting us to play with him. Because they got no evening to themselves he was allowed to watch some very inappropriate TV with them at a young age. Also they would put him to bed with a laptop playing Peppa pig because 'it's a bit early for him.' I remember thinking, 'well my lot wouldn't go to sleep with Peppa pig on, they would go to sleep in a quiet dark room though.'
Now he is older he constantly struggles to get up and out for school due to having been trained to sleep late and wake late.

Oh and I get that some people naturally tend to be night owls or early birds but you can also influence your children through what you do. You can adjust a body clock as is shown when people change timezone.

My nephew the same age my daughter went to bed at 10 pm or later.

10 o'clock is late but 9 o'clock (as in OP's case) means that there is still "adult time" before bed but children don't wake up too early.

Now he is older he constantly struggles to get up and out for school due to having been trained to sleep late and wake late.

It doesn't work like that. Going to bed late as a toddler has no effect on the time they go to bed when they are older. Routines change over time if you want them to.

fgs stop judging.... if she feels that works for then let her get on with it.

my dc are 9 and 5 (almost 6). school nights they go at 6.30 and 7.30 for the older one. They are then up at 7 to get ready for school.
fridays they go at 7 and 8 as they have a sports club on sat morning, they get up at 9 (ish)
sat/holidays they have been going at 7:30-8:30 but oldest is allowed to read until up to 9.... they get up about 9am.

They can go to bed later, some nights they may watch a film and be 10-11pm before they get to bed.... they still get up at 9am!!
They can go to a party/wedding and be up dancing/running around at midnight.... and still get up at 9am!!! (its like they have a secret alarm clock I dont know about)

maybe your sil has tried sending them to bed later but they still get up early and so are tired through the day, so sending them earlier means they get "enough" sleep.

Children need at least 10 hours sleep to be well rested.

My 4yo DS is in bed for 7pm every night regardless of whether we have to be up early the next day. This is because I'm an early riser anyway, I'm not one for lie ins and I'd rather keep the routine going for school. Plus as a single working parent I like having those couple of hours in the evening to myself to relax.

My two get up at 6 regardless of when I put then to bed. Therefore

1. They need to be in bed by 7 to get enough sleep to not be horrors, and
2. If I can't have a leisurely morning then they're not interrupting my evening too

My DD2 used to wake up at 5am most mornings, regardless of the time she went to bed. I desperately needed the rest myself after such an early start so she used to go to sleep between 6 and 6:30 pm. Thankfully, she did eventually grow out of it.

All children are different. You shouldn’t be judging each other about bedtimes.

Unless something is waking the child up at 5 a.m. every day there is no way they would continuously do that unless it is because they have had enough sleep by that time because they usually go to bed very early. They may not adjust immediately if their early bedtime is changed but they will after a while if their bedtime is slowly readjusted to a later hour. Toddlers don't know what time it is fgs.

Roomster you’re joking right?

Never heard of circadian rhythm?

there is no way they would continuously do that unless it is because they have had enough sleep by that time because they usually go to bed very early. They may not adjust immediately if their early bedtime is changed but they will after a while if their bedtime is slowly readjusted to a later hour

Oh how I laughed at this. You have clearly had no experience with an early riser.

It may be that her children still wake really early even if they go to bed later. Mine are a little older but generally they'll still wake at around the same time each morning regardless of that time they go to bed. Which is one reason that I try to stick to a reasonable bedtime where possible to make sure they get a decent amount of sleep (we definitely don't avoid late nights completely though, we wouldn't miss out on parties etc because of bedtime!)

My ds1 sleeps for a certain amount of time regardless of when he goes to bed. He would never sleep before 11pm no matter what we did before he was 2. But he would sleep till 10am. Which was fine, we had nowhere to go so i slept in. Then ds2 arrived and he woke at 6am regardless of what time he went to bed and would be a fucking horror if we kept him up past 6.30pm. It would have definitely suited us for him to go later and sleep later.

So i have one owl and one lark. Which means a core sleep of 6 hours. then we added a 3rd who wakes every 1-2 hrs and fucked even that up!

Some kids really do just wake at that time no matter what. I have friends with only children who cannot stay in bed past 5am regardless of what they do and they are now older and still are like it. I think try and work with what you have is a better idea than trying to change people completely.

My parents were of the opinion that you put your kids to bed late and get a lay in. So i went to bed at 9. My main memory of childhood is being constantly tired. I used to fake illnesses at infant school to nap in the nurses office. I wish they'd put me to bed earlier. But then they may not have got to sleep off their hangover at the weekend i suppose!

Roomster you’re joking right?

Never heard of circadian rhythm?

Of course I have heard of circadian rhythm! That doesn't mean everyone's sleep/wake up time is exactly the same time every day and can't be adjusted. If they were set in stone, you would still be waking up and going to sleep at the same time of day even if you emigrated to Australia which would obviously not be the case.

Oh how I laughed at this. You have clearly had no experience with an early riser.

Perhaps that is because I didn't put them to bed at six o'clock.

Even if I put my CD to bed at 10 she'd still get up at 6. Some kids just wake up early, so she goes to bed at 7 without fail, so I can get a bit of rest.

Dd!