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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not get why people put their DC to bed early

366 replies

RogerThatOver · 23/10/2017 22:56

...when it's unnecessary?

I get that if you all have to be up and out for 7.30 then they'd need to be in bed early.

But my SIL has 3 DC under 5, none at school and no plans to return to work at any point. Her DC are in bed for 6pm. That means being stuck in the house from 4pm every day which I would hate. They get up at 5/5.30 which she complains about endlessly but what does she expect if they go to bed so early? They can't go on days out because the DC are tired by lunch time and have to be home to nap, they don't do family parties or weddings because the DC cannot travel after 3pm and need to be home to wind down for bed by 4pm.

I also have 3 DC under 5. Mine go to bed at 9 and get up at around 8, sometimes later at the weekend. We can have full days out, if there's a party or wedding they can happily stay up until midnight. We can go to the park til bedtime in the summer and never need to rush home. They have an older sibling at school and are all ready on time to take her at 8.30 so their bedtime won't need major adjustment when they start school.

SIL and MIL are both very judgey about my DC's bedtime with SIL saying at the weekend that my DC must be 'chronically overtired' because they were still dancing at a family party at midnight. The hours of sleep they get are actually no different but IMO a later bedtime means my DC can do more in life. SIL admits she spends every morning drinking coffee with the kids watching tv until 10 because she's so tired, then if they go out they need to be home for naps by 12. She doesn't seem happy with the way things are but so many people seem to think it's just the way things must be with young DC.

AIBU to not understand the obsession with early bedtimes, coupled with complaints about early rises?

OP posts:

Ecureuil · 26/10/2017 07:46

Booboo66 my DD1 sleeps 7-8 (no night wakings), DD2 sleeps 7-6.30 (no night wakings) and most of my friend’s DC sleep pretty much a solid 7-7

PoppyPopcorn · 26/10/2017 07:46

Roomster I know your words are well-intentioned, but when you're coping with a child who is a consistently early riser and someone tells you how all you need to do is gradually shift their sleeping times, you just want to murder them.

The early wakings are by far the hardest thing I've ever been through as a parent. We did everything we could to try not to go through it - nobody gets up at 4.30am for fun. We read umpteen books, spoke to health visitors, saw the GP, tinkered endlessly with nap times and bed times, giving each change time to bed in before deciding whether it worked. Nothing worked. I don't know why DS was waking ridiculously early because he was 1, and couldn't tell me. Yes logic says that small children don't know the time and yes that shifting their bedtime back should make them sleep longer in the morning but sometimes it just doesn't work.

Please don't tell a sleep=deprived parent about circadian rythym and how all they need to do is move their child's bedtime by 30 minutes a week. They will probably either burst into tears, or thump you.

RidingMyBike · 26/10/2017 07:48

Maybe the SIL is using the children’s sleep as an excuse not to be at various social events?

I (massive introvert) found it much easier once DD got into her second year and started having a nice solid nap in her cot between 2 and 4.30pm and then bed at around 7.15. It meant that we only needed to go out in the morning and I’ve been very happy to arrange life around that as I’m not that keen on social events and prefer being at home.

DobbyTheHouseElf80 · 26/10/2017 08:09

Oh I've met judgy people like you OP. Several of my friends allow their kids (aged between 1-4) up till late. My DD (18m) goes to bed at 6:30pm and sleeps until 6am, save the odd blip with teeth etc. She also has two naps a day, only in her cot. She will not sleep in the pushchair or car unless we're in them for hours.

I'm a SAHM, so in my eyes it's my job to structure my days around my child. So I do. We get up, fed and cleaned then she has a morning nap. We go out after this in the mornings and usually have lunch on the go. Nap again around 12:30 so I'm home, then if we need to we go out again after that. Home by 4:30 ish for dinner, playing then wind down before bedtime routine starts ready for bed at 6:30pm. It is a little restrictive of course, but it's only for a short while in the scheme of things and most importantly it works for us and we are all happy with it. I like having evenings for me and DH to eat dinner in peace, catch up and watch a bit of tv or read. It's our time. I enjoy my child's company too, I love the bones of her. I'm with her in all her waking moments, playing and engaging. But that doesn't mean I don't like a couple of hours to myself too.

If we need to be out of the house later, we get a babysitter. If we're are a night out or whatever to be honest it's a treat so I'd rather not have DD with us anyway, it's a chance to let our hair down. But then I'm one of those people who doesn't mind child-free events!

I've lost count of the amount of times my friends who let their kids go to bed late and skip naps have arranged things or gone to playgroups etc that I can't make because the clash with our nap time. Usually causing rather scornful comments of 'why can't you come, just miss her nap!' Er, no. Fine for you to say, but you're not the one who will have to deal with a miserable overtired child all day long who then won't go to bed and sleep well later, are you?

Something I have learnt since becoming a mum is no matter how experienced you are, how many kids you've got etc you are only an expert in your own child/ren. Really, you know bugger all about anyone else's.

nellieellie · 26/10/2017 08:12

If I was being Ms Judgey Pants, I could say that 11 hours is not enough sleep for a pre schooler. I could say that for healthy development 12-14 may be required. But I won't say that. Because it's none of my business. Funny thing about parents with young children. We all do different things which work for us. SOME people have to bore the pants off other people by going ON and ON about how their way is best and how other people are just NOT DOING IT RIGHT.

Glittered · 26/10/2017 08:53

My 16 month old has always been in bed 7pm or 730pm latest. Gets up anytime between 7am and 8. Naps for 2 hrs 12 till 2pm. This routine works well for us.
My 5 year old is in bed by 730pm on school nights 830pm at weekends.
I need my childfree time in the evening and they really need routine.
SO I has never had a routine for her 5 year old.
We all went away together and it really did my head in having him jumping around at 10pm at night. Then waking up at 6 being over tired. I just couldn't live like that and I won't be going on holiday with them again 😴

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 26/10/2017 09:06

I don't think it's any of your business.
I personally wouldn't put my children to bed at 6....but, I also wouldn't be putting them to bed at 9!

NataliaOsipova · 26/10/2017 09:20

Yes, yes, yes!

Roomster101 · 26/10/2017 09:33

I'm not trying to give you advice on what you need to do. I think people should do whatever works for them. Insisting that children will wake up at the same time no matter what you do because of an inner clock/circadian rhythm is rubbish though. If nothing you did altered their wake up time and all your children did the same thing, then something outside your control was waking them up.

Sofabitch · 26/10/2017 09:38

I wake at 6.30am regardless what time i go to bed. I think some people are just early risers and bed time is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

Just think yourself lucky Op. Not everyone has it so easy.

opedious · 26/10/2017 09:48

As a parent and child minder I have noticed that children of all ages that don't go to bed at the appropriate time are listless, fretful, over-wrought and unable to concentrate. Often it is because the parents shy away from being the "bed-time ogre" for one reason or another. If a special event means that staying up later is on the cards, do try to return to normal bedtimes the next day. The little D's are much better company when fed, watered and well rested.

picklemepopcorn · 26/10/2017 09:51

If nothing you did altered their wake up time and all your children did the same thing, then something outside your control was waking them up.
That was me, and you misread, roomster.

Oh forget it, I think you may be hard of hearing.

SarahH12 · 26/10/2017 09:55

Haven't rtft but DSD goes to bed between 6-7 pm most nights. It doesn't matter what time she goes to bed she still gets up at 6 am. If we or her mum put her to bed after 7 she still gets up at the same time but she's tired and grumpy for the whole day then.

Whilst it may not seem necessary to you, perhaps the DC are like DSD and get up at that time anyway so at least if they go to bed early they'll have enough sleep. So from that perspective YABU

If on the other hand they'd get up later if she put them to bed later then yes definitely it's unnecessary and YANBU.

BlueSapp · 26/10/2017 09:56

I'd never see my children if they were in bed at 7 !, they would also never sleep. 9pm works for us everyone n jammies by 8.30 settling and in bed by 9 and fast asleep at 9.05 so I don't go to bed till round 11.30 and its fine no one is overtired and everyone is up at 7.30 no issue.

Roomster101 · 26/10/2017 10:03

picklemepopcorn I'm not sure why you think I misread or that I am "hard of hearing". I was replying to the post by PoppyPopcorn not your post (unless you are the same person)

eeanne · 26/10/2017 10:03

Hear hear dobby!

crazycatlady5 · 26/10/2017 10:03

@opedious not always true. My cousin struggled for years with her kids who just would not go to sleep before 10. She did everything she could but you can’t FORCE children to be asleep. And contrary to what you say they were always happy and fine, they’re now 13 and 10 and very bright happy kids with no issues whatsoever. Some kids are just night owls.

Merryhobnobs · 26/10/2017 10:05

STOP judging! If we put our 17 month old to bed after 7pm then actually she is more likely to wake earlier as her sleep pattern is disrupted. Every child and every family is different so maybe just accept that (and your other family and friends should too). I cherish our couple of hours of peace after 7pm and although tea at 5pm is a bit early for us I would rather have that and some peace and some sleep than the situation we were in a few months ago with barely any sleep or routine.

Notso · 26/10/2017 10:35

I think it's too ridgid to have such a strict routine you can't go anywhere but equally I couldn't be doing with 9pm bedtimes, I'm knackered by 10 and having to small children up, fed and dressed in half an hour.

nolongersurprised · 26/10/2017 10:42

My small DC go to bed early cos they wake up very very early, around 5ish. If they go to sleep between 6-7 they wake up at 5ish. If they go to bed at 8pm they wake up at 5. If they go to bed at 10pm they wake up at 5 but are tired and grouchy.

Wassock · 26/10/2017 10:42

Arrgghhhh! I just hate it when someone starts a thread and never comes back to it! Why bother??

Mumto2two · 26/10/2017 10:53

First dc has always been a night owl, like myself, and had no issues rising early because of it. Which was just as well, as I was working/commuting full time, so was dropping off at 7.30 and picking up at 8pm. There is no way I could do that with dc2, as she has always needed much more sleep, and really struggles if she doesn't get enough. People find what works for them, there are no rules.

picklemepopcorn · 26/10/2017 10:56

You replied to me earlier, and then to poppy in a similar vein. Not all my children woke up at the same time regardless of what I did. Two of them did- my birth children- two foster DCs did vary according to what went on. One foster slept all the time and had to be kept awake and another had reflux so slept very erratically due to pain.

I really have done a fair bit of parenting and am telling you that illogical though it seems lots of us on here have experience that contradicts your statements. Stop telling us we are doing it wrong.

picklemepopcorn · 26/10/2017 10:56

That was to Roomster, again.

Roomster101 · 26/10/2017 11:42

You replied to me earlier, and then to poppy in a similar vein.

That is because you are saying similar things.

I really have done a fair bit of parenting and am telling you that illogical though it seems lots of us on here have experience that contradicts your statements. Stop telling us we are doing it wrong.

Just because lots of people are convinced of something illogical, it doesn't mean they are right! People have all sorts of irrational believes e.g. many are convinced that homeopathic medicines are effective despite all the evidence to the contrary. I'm not going to be convinced that homeopathic medicine medicine works just because people on the internet insist they have lot of experience of it and this is no different.

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