To not get why people put their DC to bed early

[RogerThatOver]

...when it's unnecessary?

I get that if you all have to be up and out for 7.30 then they'd need to be in bed early.

But my SIL has 3 DC under 5, none at school and no plans to return to work at any point. Her DC are in bed for 6pm. That means being stuck in the house from 4pm every day which I would hate. They get up at 5/5.30 which she complains about endlessly but what does she expect if they go to bed so early? They can't go on days out because the DC are tired by lunch time and have to be home to nap, they don't do family parties or weddings because the DC cannot travel after 3pm and need to be home to wind down for bed by 4pm.

I also have 3 DC under 5. Mine go to bed at 9 and get up at around 8, sometimes later at the weekend. We can have full days out, if there's a party or wedding they can happily stay up until midnight. We can go to the park til bedtime in the summer and never need to rush home. They have an older sibling at school and are all ready on time to take her at 8.30 so their bedtime won't need major adjustment when they start school.

SIL and MIL are both very judgey about my DC's bedtime with SIL saying at the weekend that my DC must be 'chronically overtired' because they were still dancing at a family party at midnight. The hours of sleep they get are actually no different but IMO a later bedtime means my DC can do more in life. SIL admits she spends every morning drinking coffee with the kids watching tv until 10 because she's so tired, then if they go out they need to be home for naps by 12. She doesn't seem happy with the way things are but so many people seem to think it's just the way things must be with young DC.

AIBU to not understand the obsession with early bedtimes, coupled with complaints about early rises?

[Crummyfunnymummy]

My kids go down earlyish compared to others (7pm) and as others have said, it means me and DH have a couple of hours to ourselves. Glass of wine, TV, nice meal - we deserve it! My DS puts my niece down later (8-8.30pm) and it means on family holidays we have to sit down for our grown up evening meal with a toddler. (A toddler who is quite loud and a notoriously fussy eater!) So the lovely evenings of grown up chat, wine, sharing a meal we've cooked together are pretty much ruined! We all do things differently. Our way works for our family, my DS's way obviously works for them (even though the rest of us hate it!! Lol!)
Before I'm slated for being a horrible person who hates children, I would add that family holidays are spent with the whole daytime doing things the children enjoy, which is lovely. I adore watching them all have the time of their lives! But the payoff being that we get to spend the evenings child free. (Except not because my DS's routine doesn't allow for that!) I guess what I'm saying is that for all those who say their kids are great at weddings til midnight, I would probably be one of the guests who was silently wishing they'd just take the little ones off to bed!

[DobbyTheHouseElf80]

That would drive me bonkers @Crummyfunnymummy! When you are entertaining young children all day it's nice to have the evening off. My friends organised a takeaway and wine mums night in a while ago - child free, Dad's were all having the kids and her kids were to be in bed. Was really looking forward to a night of fun and girly chat (not usually child appropriate!). Until I got there and one mum had brought her three kids (2,4 and 6) because Dad had to work late. The hosts kids wouldn't go to bed understandably because their little friends were playing downstairs, and the night ended up being us all shovelling food down around trying to entertain six overtired fractious children who all wanted stories/us to colour with them/to play dollies. I made my excuses and left early, luckily I'd driven there with the intention of leaving my car overnight so I stuck to one drink and could drive home!

[Crummyfunnymummy]

Oh @dobby that sounds just awful!! Why would your friend have thought that was ok?! If my DH was working then my reply would have been "thanks for the invite, sorry I can't make it". Your poor host! Or maybe she'd said it was fine to your friend? She's more tolerant than me if so. I would have been livid! It's fine if other families like to spend the evenings all together. Eat together every night, etc., but that shouldn't be imposed on other families. Especially not ones who make sure their DCs have an early bedtime!! Now ours are older (8 and 5) we do let them stay up a bit later at the weekend, but only half an hour! I want to relax (and watch TV with swear words in it!) Lol!!!

[DobbyTheHouseElf80]

@Crummyfunnymummy I assume she thought it was ok because we are all very old/close friends and we love each other's kids. One of them is my (and the hosts) goddaugher. We do love them, as they love my DD but honestly it was really bloody annoying! If my DH had to work late that night I'd have stayed home. She did ring host half hour beforehand to say she'd be bringing them but my understanding is she told host, rather than asked her and host didn't really know what to say!

[Crummyfunnymummy]

I love my DC but I don't assume that everyone else finds them endearing! I certainly don't find my DN endearing at 8.30pm when she's refusing to eat everything put in front of her and my DS is wasting expensive food bought for the adults on her (I wouldn't mind if she ate it, but she just spits it out!!) while we're all trying to hold a grown up conversation over the wailing! Gah! And I've just recently been to a do where the host's DC were there all evening. It was her party so she can have who she wants there, but me and a few others were wondering when someone was finally going to put them to bed!!! So when the OP says how great it is that her kids can stay up all evening at a wedding without getting tired, I do wonder if everyone else there is wishing they'd go to bed!

@Dobby that friend wouldn't be invited for anymore evenings at my house!!!

[sleeponeday]

If you put them to bed once or twice at 11 p.m. then they might still wake up at 5 a.m. However, if over a period of time you gradually move their bedtime to a later time then they will wake up a bit later unless something wakes them up. They don't know what time is 5 a.m. so unless something is waking them how do you think they will always wake up at that time regardless of how much sleep they have had? Your argument is totally illogical.

We had input on his sleep from the Evalina Sleep Clinic, which is world-leading. But I'm sure you know so much better than they do, Roomster. Why don't you call them, and set them straight?

[chattymitchy]

My DS is a 'night owl' but when I mention that to people, everyone whose kids naturally get up early, including his teacher, tell me he needs to be in bed by 7pm. And I should achieve that by moving his bedtime 15 minutes earlier each week. So either there is circadian rhythm or there isn't? But I feel I get judged for him not being tired until 8.30-9pm and then getting up at 7.30-8am as me being a bad parent. But if a kid naturally goes to sleep earlier and wakes earlier that's the kids natural sleep pattern.

[sleeponeday]

Chatty you can''t win, can you? Kids just vary. My smallest is infinitely flexible on sleep, and it's, um... a lot easier. If I'd had kids like that, and no others, I'd totally believe parents whose kids don't sleep properly give them the runaround, too.

I think we're all very prone to attribute ways in which our kids are easier to our own stellar parenting. Sometimes, that's right. Sometimes, it's pure luck.

Interestingly there's apparently a lot of evidence that teenagers need to sleep in and stay up later for ideal development, and yet we get them in school before 9 am and see their need to sleep in as laziness.

Sleep is a lot more complicated than people realise. As with most things, of course.

[Roomster101]

We had input on his sleep from the Evalina Sleep Clinic, which is world-leading. But I'm sure you know so much better than they do, Roomster. Why don't you call them, and set them straight?

I don't know better than them but I also don't know exactly what they told you and whether your interpretation was correct. Also, if you had in put from the Evalina Sleep Clinic then presumably your child wasn't sleeping well full stop and it wasn't a case of them sleeping very early and then waking up early so not really relevant.

[LuchiMangsho]

Erm. Both of mine. 5 and 8 months are in bed and asleep by 6:30. The 5 year old may read till 7 but that is the outer limit.
It means I can get housework done. I get work done (and so leave work early and spend time with them). It means DH and I have an evening together. We don't have massive stress about housework. We both go to bed by 9:30. But if need be could head out in the evening with a babysitter knowing both kids are asleep. It works really well for us.

Everyone wakes up or is woken up at 6:45 and we leave the house at 8 for the school run and for the adults to go to work (baby stays with nanny).

If your kid is up till 9/9:30, when do you fit in non kid adult time?

And both are capable of staying up late for the odd family party or wedding. How often do we even have these?!

[sleeponeday]

Do you always have this much difficulty acknowledging error, Roomster? That must be really self-defeating, if so.

You are wrong. Comprehensively. Sleep is an extremely complex area and they are learning more all the time. There are children who, for whatever reason, have self-set waking times and parental input cannot alter that. You can think it's illogical all you want, but as you haven't any actual knowledge in the area, your opinion on it isn't relevant, let alone valuable.

His waking time and our chosen bedtime was relevant according to the consultant paediatricians involved in his care, because it affected overall sleep if we sought to make his bedtime later - we were encouraged to do the opposite and make it earlier. Because actually, he struggled to get to sleep at all, and woke a lot in the night, so his self-set early wake time made getting enough sleep a problem. Again, do feel free to correct them on this strategy. I'm sure they would give your gut instinct's input all the respect it deserves.

[Batteriesallgone]

What’s your view on shift worker health problems Roomster?

All self inflicted because they just aren’t making the bedroom dark enough at sleep times, possibly

[Roomster101]

sleeponeday Stop being a prat. I'm not talking about children with sleep disorders such as your child who need specialist input to sleep through the night. I am talking about whether it is possible to adjust the sleep/wake up time of a normal pre-school age child who can sleep for 11 hours at a stretch and who does not have a clinical condition that affects their sleep.

[sleeponeday]

Roomster, his waking time was not part of the problem, as the staff confirmed. That part was normal. That part is just how some kids are. That part was not problematic.

Again: you are wrong. Your ill mannered aggression isn't about to alter that simple fact.

[Roomster101]

Roomster, his waking time was not part of the problem, as the staff confirmed. That part was normal. That part is just how some kids are. That part was not problematic

So you interpreted the fact that staff said it is "normal" for some kids to wake up early to mean that it is impossible to gradually adjust a child's sleep time by an hour or so even if they don't have a sleep disorder and are able to sleep for 11 hours without waking up.

Again: you are wrong. Your ill mannered aggression isn't about to alter that simple fact.

Constantly telling me I'm wrong isn't going to alter the fact that I think you are wrong so it is a bit pointless. If you want to convince me would need to link to evidence demonstrating that it is not possible to adjust sleep times by an hour or so.

[2ManyChoices]

My kids had a strict routine, all in bed for 7-7.30, and they all had daytime naps, usually were 10-12, HOWEVER, they would nap on a shoestring, in a park, in a friends living room, in a restuarant, because I'd never made it about bed but simply about sleep, in the same way that ANY plane trip we go on we have the same routine, sit with seatbelt on, when seatbelt sign goes off we have a snack, a drink and a wee, then we nap. I've done ten hour flights and 2 hour flights and it's always the same.
Likewise with bedtime, they'd sleep anywhere, two chairs pushed together in a noisy wedding reception, only a blanket needed!!!
The routine she has seems very structured and she seems to have made a rod for her own back there. But, each to their own. Don't let their judginess upset you, you do what's right for your family.