To not get why people put their DC to bed early

[RogerThatOver]

...when it's unnecessary?

I get that if you all have to be up and out for 7.30 then they'd need to be in bed early.

But my SIL has 3 DC under 5, none at school and no plans to return to work at any point. Her DC are in bed for 6pm. That means being stuck in the house from 4pm every day which I would hate. They get up at 5/5.30 which she complains about endlessly but what does she expect if they go to bed so early? They can't go on days out because the DC are tired by lunch time and have to be home to nap, they don't do family parties or weddings because the DC cannot travel after 3pm and need to be home to wind down for bed by 4pm.

I also have 3 DC under 5. Mine go to bed at 9 and get up at around 8, sometimes later at the weekend. We can have full days out, if there's a party or wedding they can happily stay up until midnight. We can go to the park til bedtime in the summer and never need to rush home. They have an older sibling at school and are all ready on time to take her at 8.30 so their bedtime won't need major adjustment when they start school.

SIL and MIL are both very judgey about my DC's bedtime with SIL saying at the weekend that my DC must be 'chronically overtired' because they were still dancing at a family party at midnight. The hours of sleep they get are actually no different but IMO a later bedtime means my DC can do more in life. SIL admits she spends every morning drinking coffee with the kids watching tv until 10 because she's so tired, then if they go out they need to be home for naps by 12. She doesn't seem happy with the way things are but so many people seem to think it's just the way things must be with young DC.

AIBU to not understand the obsession with early bedtimes, coupled with complaints about early rises?

Haven’t RTFT OP but I think your mistake is in thinking young children’s sleep can be controlled.

Until they are old enough for proper explanations about bedtime, getting enough sleep to do tomorrow, etc, you can’t dictate their sleep patterns. People who think they can have either had children similar to them (not surprising) or kids that are quite laid back.

It’s best just to go with what works. By all means carry on defending your way but don’t extend that into criticising SIL’s way.

My daughter goes to bed when she is tired... I love her company

So what? Those whose children have a set bedtime don't enjoy their child's company?! I think if you took your head out your arse you'd realise most bedtimes are dictated by the tiredness of the child.

and I usually go to bed with her. When she was born I decided to work around her and meet all her needs, rather than try to make her live around me... which let's face it a child isn't going to be able to, they don't understand why they have to go to bed at a certain time,,, when they aren't even tired. Would you want to be put to bed when you are not tired? We don't treat children like people sometimes. It makes me very sad if I'm honest

You need to catch on to yourself and stop spreading your very much unwanted pity. Why do you think children with a set bedtime are being forced to sleep?!

DS sleeps when he is tired, he is sleeping by 8pm. He can happily stay up until midnight on holiday, can attend family parties and will wake up at 530am the following day, he will then go to bed earlier the following day because he is tired and wants to sleep.

You are extremely naive if you think that children are being forced to sleep, no child can be forced into sleep and I've never met a child in my whole 20 years of working as a Nursery Nurse and the last 10 doing sleep training for babies who can be made to go to sleep.

Simple fact is the OP is a twat for judging her SIL and making out she is wrong because has a different routine. Both children in the two families have their sleep needs met, why is either wrong?

Your child has no bedtime structure and her needs are being met, my child has bedtime structure and his needs are being met.

So.maybe reserve your "sadness" and distribute it to those who actually need it, like the poor parents who get no sleep at all because of babies/toddlers who don't sleep rather than feeling the children whose needs are being met (differently to yours) need that pity?

You are making worse judgements and assumptions than the OP is.

The poster who said they enjoy their children’s company in the evenings... did you read the bit where the SIL has 3 kids under 5? They’re hardly watching Question Time together in the evenings.
My children (under 4) are grumpy and horrible after 7pm. I don’t enjoy their company in that state, and they don’t enjoy being awake. I imagine things will change as they get older.

A goady thread that the OP disappears from - great.

I get round all this by Putting my kids to bed at midnight and getting them up at 4am. Best of both worlds

No matter what time dd3 (12m) goes to bed ( well, within reason - 6pm til 10pm) she still wakes at 7.30. Like a little alarm clock. I was shocked when she was unwell and slept til 7.40.

However, life doesn't go on hold for this.

My Dd establishes her routine for herself and needed to be in bed for 6.30pm until she was 18 months when she suddenly jumped to 8pm. But she was still up at 6.30.

Everyone is different. I went by my child and what she needed.

Ds was a completely different matter! He didn’t sleep regardless of going to bed at 7.30pm or 11pm.

YABU
such a strange and smug OP.

FWIW- I wish my kids would go to bed a bit earlier. I would love a bit more childfree time in the evenings with DH. As it is, they often aren't asleep until 8.30-9pm, despite trying hard to put them down earlier. It makes babysitting hard, and we are knackered and have very little time in the evening. My friend's kids of the same age are sound asleep by 7-7.30- she often has people over in the evenings etc and it looks lovely. But it's just the smugness of your tone, judging your SIL and implying that you are some kind of amazing free spirit. I adore my kids, but really don't want them at a long evening party generally (with a few exceptions) as they would be grumpy and hard work, and I would want to relax.

I think it depends on the child. Mine has asd so times have to the the same every night.

She's 8 and goes to bed 8.30 with a dvd to watch. She switches it off and goes to sleep straight away after so sleeps 9.45-7.30 on a weekday.

Weekends it's bed at 9 and yes a dvd but she wakes much later the next day usually 9 or ten o'clock.

I do miss when she was a baby and sleep 7-9!

We like having a good routine, we like having some adult time in the evening, to enjoy our dinner in peace. Baby goes up at 7pm for bedtime bottle, in the cot by 7:15, usually asleep within 5 minutes. Wakes at around 7am.
If we are at an event we let her take an additional nap around 5:30pm if she looks like she needs it, she then stays up later, but even then the latest she lasted was 7:45 and she was needing to be in bed, this has only happened once. Day's out we are out of the house by 8am so getting back for bed is no issue.

My 3yo and 1yo go to bed at 7pm. I enjoy having the evenings to myself and it gets them into a good routine ready for school, which comes around all too quickly. Start as you mean to go on is my philosophy.

But it's really none of your business op. She does her thing, you do your own. If it works for her then fine.

My nearly 3 year old DD goes up around 7ish and sleeps til somewhere between 7 and 8 usually. We can keep her up late if needed occasionally and get away with it

I used to put mine to bed at 7pm and then they'd usually sleep through to 7am. If I so much as left it till 7.03pm to put them to bed, you can bet the little tinkers would wake at 5.30am. Babies, eh? Sneaky buggers.

What is not to understand? All children are different! Mine need to be in bed by 7pm at the latest or they are a nightmare. We are all early to bed And early to rise due to shift work. (Personally I can't think of anything worse than toddlers still up at 9pm... that's my time!!)

Still put mine to bed at 7.30 in the holidays as its their routine now and I don't want to mess it up. However, DD wakes up the same time no matter when she goes to bed. So I could put her at 10 or something and she would still be up at 7, just she would be tired and whingey all day.

For those whose little ones are up later than 7, what time do they nap?

Mine naps from 1 - 2 then upstairs at 6.45 bed for 7.15 ish. Any later than that she can be very over tired, she’s 2. Would love a later bedtime if it meant no waking at 5.30!

What on earth does it matter?

“This person doesn’t do The Thing like I do The Thing - thus they are inferior. The Thing must be done my way. No other ways of doing The Thing are acceptable.”

That’s quite a pair of judgey pants you’ve got there OP.

All children are different and what works for you won’t necessarily work for someone else.

My DS1 (5) wakes between 5.30-6am every single fricking day and has done since he emerged from the womb. I have done everything I can think of to try and get him to sleep later but no..... DS2 (1) appears to be following suit - he’s exhausted and in bed by 6.30pm most nights and still sleeps for 3-4 hours per day split over a couple of naps. It works for them and I just invest in some expensive cover up to hide the bags....

Whatever works. My son is 3 and goes to bed very late, we're all night owls here and my son likes to have a lie in.
It works for us. DH doesn't get home from work until 8.30pm and he loves to play with DS in the evenings. He would hate to give it up, but will probably have to when DS starts school.

Not having evenings to ourselves doesn't bother us at all. We still manage to have adult conversation. Neither of us drinks alcohol so we don't miss it at all, bleurgh. At least we get to spend time as a family. So yeah, whatever works. Horses for courses.

April- mine don't like napping much. Never did.

Mine go to bed later (8-830, they're under 4) and wake up about 7,7.30. I love their company at night- we both work FT so evenings are our quality time. We frequently go to bed together too. They occasionally get gross before bedtime (I got slapped around by the 2 YO a few minutes ago) and then it's directly to bed no matter what the time.

It works for us to be laid back about sleep

YABU
such a strange and smug OP.

FWIW- I wish my kids would go to bed a bit earlier. I would love a bit more childfree time in the evenings with DH. As it is, they often aren't asleep until 8.30-9pm, despite trying hard to put them down earlier. It makes babysitting hard, and we are knackered and have very little time in the evening. My friend's kids of the same age are sound asleep by 7-7.30- she often has people over in the evenings etc and it looks lovely. But it's just the smugness of your tone, judging your SIL and implying that you are some kind of amazing free spirit. I adore my kids, but really don't want them at a long evening party generally (with a few exceptions) as they would be grumpy and hard work, and I would want to relax.

^^ perfect!

My three year old sleeps 13 hours so if she went to bed at 8.30 she wouldn’t get enough sleep before pre school.
DD2 only sleeps 10-11 hours unfortunately!

OP, l agree with you. But why judge? Everyone to their own.

My children have never had set nap times. They would just sleep in the pushchair or car. I couldn't understand it when friends would go away for the weekend and then spend half the time there waiting indoors while children napped. We have a 'bedtime ' but are very flexible with it to fit around special events. All 3 children have been early risers😩 A friend used to put her children to bed at 5.30pm😀