To not get why people put their DC to bed early

[RogerThatOver]

...when it's unnecessary?

I get that if you all have to be up and out for 7.30 then they'd need to be in bed early.

But my SIL has 3 DC under 5, none at school and no plans to return to work at any point. Her DC are in bed for 6pm. That means being stuck in the house from 4pm every day which I would hate. They get up at 5/5.30 which she complains about endlessly but what does she expect if they go to bed so early? They can't go on days out because the DC are tired by lunch time and have to be home to nap, they don't do family parties or weddings because the DC cannot travel after 3pm and need to be home to wind down for bed by 4pm.

I also have 3 DC under 5. Mine go to bed at 9 and get up at around 8, sometimes later at the weekend. We can have full days out, if there's a party or wedding they can happily stay up until midnight. We can go to the park til bedtime in the summer and never need to rush home. They have an older sibling at school and are all ready on time to take her at 8.30 so their bedtime won't need major adjustment when they start school.

SIL and MIL are both very judgey about my DC's bedtime with SIL saying at the weekend that my DC must be 'chronically overtired' because they were still dancing at a family party at midnight. The hours of sleep they get are actually no different but IMO a later bedtime means my DC can do more in life. SIL admits she spends every morning drinking coffee with the kids watching tv until 10 because she's so tired, then if they go out they need to be home for naps by 12. She doesn't seem happy with the way things are but so many people seem to think it's just the way things must be with young DC.

AIBU to not understand the obsession with early bedtimes, coupled with complaints about early rises?

Clock changes didn't make any difference, no. He'd just get up an hour earlier, by the clock at least, in the summer.

In the interests of full disclosure, he's ASD and sleep issues of this kind are well-known to be part of the diagnosis. Many are prescribed melatonin as a result. But given it's a spectrum disorder, and many people who fall well below the threshold for diagnosis exhibit traits, it doesn't surprise me that so many have sleep problems along these lines. Bio-rhythms are complicated and it's not as simple as "conditioning". If it were, I wouldn't have two kids who behave completely differently where sleep is concerned.

In the name of self-preservation and whatever works, when mine were very young they went to bed later than most because I'm not a morning person. Presumably their sleep patterns were established on that basis and they were never early wakers.

I am firmly convinced that children adapt, within the boundaries of individual need, to whatever schedule they live by in the early months and years, but I realise that is a controversial view on MN!

It's curiously British to put children to bed early.

Why judge? Because otherwise there wouldn't be any point to mumsnet :-)

And anyway, I'm with you OP. I don't get it, but then we're night owls so early risers are would be left to their own devices in our house.

Interestingly youdancing after years of it not being an issue the spring clocks seriously ducked us up. He went from 7.30 wake us to 6.30 on the dot. I’m hoping this weekends clock change will change him back 😊

I agree with the OP, my DC are adults now but before they started school they used to stay up until they were tired. Obviously once they were at school they couldn't stay up very late, but as the term got underway they hit their own rhythm and definitely got as much sleep as they needed - we didn't have any trouble getting them up. Since we'd never made an issue of going to bed they didn't fight to stay up.
However from the time they could sit up we always sat down to eat together in the evening around 7.30 - once that was done they started winding down, so that was our routine.
We used to really look forward to the school holidays with no set times to get up or do anything in particular.

Stop being so judgey OP you've no idea until you've walked in someoneone else's shoes! My son gets up st 6am regardless of what time he goes to bed and believe me we have tried everything. Let her do what she's got to do! Just because you were 'lucky' (and I mean that because it's NOTHING to do with your parenting you are just lucky) and your children's sleep routines fit into your life there's no need to get all judgemental of others. Crack on with your own life.

Maybe that’s their natural sleep pattern! I go to bed early and wake early I always have. My daughter goes at 7 as she can’t stay awake longer and wakes between 5-6. She doesn’t wake later if I put her down later. My son goes at 8ish and wakes at 6.30-7 ish. Their bedtimes are guided by them! Maybe they need to go to bed early.

Oblada you are right. Slightly off the topic of the original question but: The money time for sleep is in that 10pm - 12am section when peak growth hormone activity is elicited. (Also the reason many people feel their “second wind” at around this time). The changing nature of a school age child’s sleep means they probably need to be asleep about an hour before this time to be in the optimal sleep phase at that time. If they are in bed before that time then you’d just need to count back from their wake up time to work out the 10 hours they need. Sleep is probably one of the biggest influences on health (impacts all sorts of hormones) so good sleep hygiene is important.

youdancin - it's not rly about the physical clock in your living room or GMT/BST but the movements of the sun, the seasons and the effect it has on our bodies. So for children, much more in tune with this than us, their tired/awake time may vary slightly over the course of the year based on the seasons/sun, but it may still stay more or less 6am for instance because of the change of (clock) time (ie they may slowly wake up later in the winter as it is darker until later but due to the change of the clocks it will end up being a similar time all year round).

I'd love mine to go to bed before 8, but nothing works in getting rid of her before then. I'd like those extra 2 hours of adult time. Thing is, we don't get in until 6 most days, by the time we've done tea it's 7... and so on. Both her dad and me are night owls, so I can't see her changing either.

On the plus side, she's never awake before 7.30, more like 8.30 or 9 on days where we're not clanging around.

My DC always went to bed by 7pm because that’s when emmerdale starts.

Everyone has their own opinions on how best to look after children, I look at the sleep foundation website if I'm worried about whether DS is getting enough sleep. As he's got older his bedtimes have changed, he's 7 and a naturally a late riser anyway and won't be up before 7.30-8 in the morning whatever we do. Thing is, if you tell people that, they say he should be in bed earlier. We've tried. Luckily one of his friends is exactly the same and his Mum and I swap horror stories about aiming for an 8-8.30 bedtime and the fact the neither are asleep before 9.30-10 regardless of what we do. It's exhausting dealing with it, but more exhausting dealing with people judging us for it. DS is tired at school sometimes but he won't go to sleep when he's put to bed. There's underlying reasons at the moment why he's unsettled yet people still judge. It's difficult to ignore it but you should try not to listen. If you're confident your children are ok then that's the best you can do as a parent.

Mine are grown up but I was in the early to bed camp. They were all good sleepers but putting them to bed late never made them sleep in, they just got up at the usual time and whined all day. Also, I wanted peace and quiet in the evenings and to watch whatever I wanted without worrying about suitability. I think children who stay up virtually until the adults go to bed can see and hear far too much, and when do you ever have an uninterrupted conversation with your husband?

I think everyone's entitled to put their children to bed when and as they please! My DD2 (5) is in bed between 7&7:30 school nights and 8 on weekends and it's been her routine since 6 weeks old and DD1 (13) is up in her room at 8 and lights out at 9 on school nights and 10 at weekends again she followed the 7 one until she was in high school! It was my preference not so they can give me a lie in to get up later or to give me peace but because it's the perfect routine for US and I'd be devastated to think anyone was judging me for that! There's days my DD2 asks to get in bed at 6:30 when she's tired and that's fine too, she's always started to look tired around 7ish which is why that's always been the routine. I tidy around once DD2 goes to bed and then have an hour before going to bed myself as I suffer illnesses meaning by that time I'm exhausted anyway x

Both my under 3's are in bed at 6-6.30pm and I'm like your SIL because I'm ruled by our routine too. I wouldn't consider an evening party for an under 5 personally and didn't go to my nan's 90th because it started at 6pm and I knew my 2 couldn't handle it. It was a shame but it just wasn't an option for us. They stay up later in the summer naturally because it's lighter and hotter and that's different.

You have a routine that works for you and suits you and yours. I like having my evenings to myself because I spend my days looking after my DC's so it works out fair enough. My DC get up around 7am which is fine and the baby naps for a couple of hours in the afternoon. We rarely go out for the whole day but don't 'have' to be at home for her nap as she would crash in the buggy but I think they need downtime in the afternoon and their dinner is 4pm.

It's nothing worth judging IMO.

Afraid you are. Some kids wake up at 5 am even if they go to bed at 11 pm. They have a body clock that just goes, WAKEY WAKEY! and that's that. Hence the popularity of Gro Clocks.

If you put them to bed once or twice at 11 p.m. then they might still wake up at 5 a.m. However, if over a period of time you gradually move their bedtime to a later time then they will wake up a bit later unless something wakes them up. They don't know what time is 5 a.m. so unless something is waking them how do you think they will always wake up at that time regardless of how much sleep they have had? Your argument is totally illogical.

I suspect your SIL uses her children’s early bedtime as an excuse not to spend the whole of her afternoon and evening being judged by you!

And I dont blame her. Bloody love a routine in this house.

I don't get why people don't get that other people do things differently to them.

Ah, my children are fast asleep and I’m kicking back with a G&T. They’ll both wake up refreshed in the morning ready for pre school (DD1) and the toddler group I go to with DD2.
Love early bedtimes.

Roomster, I don't agree! Goodness knows how mine knew the time, but they were larks. There was no shifting it and I promise you I tried. I just ended up with an exhausted child trying to go to bed earlier every night.

Mine gave up day time naps really early, could stay up late if something interesting was happen8ng, but got up with the dawn whatever. It took ages to adjust when DS1 came with us to Singapore. I was on my knees.

It may sound illogical to you, but believe me it happens.

Mine go to bed at 9 and get up at around 8, sometimes later

With such small kids this is my idea of hell.

I need the evening to myself after running around after them.

Whatever works for you. I'd go fucking crazy if my kids stayed up until 9 every night.

Totally agree, seems like a silly complaint really... each to their own.

My boys go to bed early because they are so full of energy I am worn out by 6pm and need to spend the evening with OH, or on my own. They are asleep for 7 usually.

Very true, I need some time with my husband when the kids go to bed, also children need a lot of hours sleep, this helps their health and their eating habits.