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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Staying at MIL for Christmas

169 replies

QueenInTheNorth26 · 23/10/2017 17:49

I know this might seem quite silly and a little early but it's been niggling me since I found out.

My PIL divorced a couple of months ago and my MIL called my OH to ask if we could stay with her from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day so that she wasn't alone. Which we agreed to do as we felt bad for her. We then found out that both SIL and their families will also be going which is fine too. However, MIL called the other day to say that there was no room for me, OH and DC and would we mind getting a hotel. OH told her he'd think about it.

My problem is we were planning on bringing our 2 dogs and cat with us as we don't have money for kennels and all our family is away for the holiday so hotels probably wouldn't be available to us. We also don't have money for a hotel. SIL1 is bringing her bf and SIL2 will be with her dh and dd. AIBU to think it would be more fair for one of them to stop in a hotel as we have more children so would end up more expensive for us (and we'd end up being in 2 different rooms for Christmas). I called MIL and asked this and she said wouldn't be fair on SIL as she wants her bedroom and we would be taking up more room whilst the other families can sleep in one room. I also asked if we could have the living room and bring some ready beds for the kids but she said that she doesn't think it's fair because everyone would feel pressured to move out of the living room so we could sleep. I can't think of any other way out of this so AIBU for arguing back and WWYD?.

OP posts:
KeepItAsItIs · 23/10/2017 22:43

She can sod off. She can't invite you, then bump you all off because her favourites are staying then change her mind when you have fou d another solution. Enjoy your Christmas with FIL.

AppleKatie · 23/10/2017 22:45

Well she has to reap what she's sown. All seems reasonable to me. If FILs has more space and you'll be properly welcome it's a no brainer really.

BewareOfDragons · 23/10/2017 22:50

He told her and she wasn't very happy!. She started saying how she didn't realise we were that unhappy with the arrangement and that we can stay in the living room if we really had to. She then said that she was the one who invited us in the first place so we should be staying with her and not FIL.

"And then you uninvited us and said we couldn't sleep in the living room. No worries. This works out for the best. We'll be with family in comfy beds and still get to see you and DSILs over the holiday. Isn't that fantastic." Beaming smile that can be felt over the phone.

Do.Not.Change.Your.New.Plans. They make the most sense. You MIL and your DSILs who insisted upon their old bedrooms brought this upon themselves.

MyCatMyRules · 23/10/2017 22:54

Expecting the cat to travel and settle into a new environment with loads of excited adults/children would be a complete no-brainer for me I'm afraid.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 23/10/2017 22:57

I bet she got all stroppy! NOW all of a sudden she can sort something

Pffffft! Honestly. I can't stand people who try and rope their family into silly games. She just wants one up on her ex.

Have a lovely Christmas!

smallmercys · 23/10/2017 23:19

As predicted!

No charge, OP Smile

HeebieJeebies456 · 23/10/2017 23:49

But won't she go mad if you stay with FIL? Surely one of the reasons for her wanting you there all the Xmas period was to gazump him..

I get that your mil is bitter over the divorce etc.......but it's never acceptable to use children/family members like this.
She basically didn't want any of you celebrating with FIL, she wants to get her own back at him via turning the dc against him....that's nasty!
I guess it's kind of working too if SIL no longer speaks to him and your dh only thought of his father 'as a last resort'.

You and dh are 'good enough' to be used in her games....but not good enough for common courtesy and respect - hence being relegated to the hotel.
Where did she think you would be able to book that would allow your pets as well?

It won't be the last time she tries to use you....

catrin · 23/10/2017 23:55

Speaking as a divorced woman, I suspect that it may have been less about "I'm sad and don't want to be alone" as much as "the family choose me not you" to xfil. I think you are making a good choice and she will need to get used to such situations.

TitaniasCloset · 24/10/2017 00:15

I like this solution and yes she brought it upon herself.

Original poster
QueenInTheNorth26 · 24/10/2017 00:31

Thank you all

OP posts:
emmyrose2000 · 24/10/2017 01:45

lol, MIL's plan certainly backfired once you more or less called her bluff. Wink Maybe she'll think twice before showing such blatant favouritism amongst her children in the future (though I wouldn't hold my breath).

She thinks that any more than 3 children is irresponsible
She also has never been overly fond on our family as we are very family orientated and even want more dc, which is something she deems 'lower class'
How "convenient" and lucky for her that she had the exact amount of children before it gets into "irresponsible" territory. Does she think Queen Victoria and the current Queen are lower class for having more than the designated three children?Hmm

User02 · 24/10/2017 02:24

If the DSILs want to have their old bedrooms where would your OH's bedroom be then. He must have had his own room with him being the only boy.
I definitely think she was trying to get all the family to her house so that FIL would have none of his DCs or DGC with him. DFIL sounds like a more reasonable person and likely more fun than MIL

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/10/2017 05:59

It very much sounds that she wanted your fil to suffer the consequences of leaving and have a lousy Christmas. In the process, she decided to send your family under the bus and as the unfavoured child/wife/kids, give you had a lousy Christmas to boot. Good on you for not doing her bidding. She didn’t want you there. She just wanted to use you as a weapon.

buttfacedmiscreant · 24/10/2017 06:15

"You invited us, then bumped us for someone you like better and to boot expected us to pay for the privilege"

yeah no.

Sounds like FIL is genuinely happy to have you, unlike MIL who only wants you either

  1. if DDs didn't come and
  2. to score points against ex.

Go to the person who really values your company. Not the one who treats you like sloppy seconds.

buttfacedmiscreant · 24/10/2017 06:20

Also note, DH wants to see sisters, but are sisters making any effort or sacrifice to see him? Are they saying MrQueen and MrsQueen have several very young kids and pets and coming a long way, let's let them stay with MIL and we can stay in a hotel? Or are any of them saying "how about we help with the costs?"

No it is "I want my bedroom"

They obviously want the bedrooms more than they want his company.

LoniceraJaponica · 24/10/2017 07:11

“we are very family orientated and even want more dc, which is something she deems 'lower class'.”

Haha. I don’t think it is lower class, but I do think you are bonkers Grin

4 children under 6, 2 dogs and a cat on busy roads just before Christmas sounds horrendous. It sounds really unfair on the children as well as the animals. Have you actually done this journey at Christmas before? We used to regularly travel between Leeds and Croydon at Christmas, and it oftenused to take 5 hours due to the volume of traffic. London to near Glasgow doesn’t even bear thinking about.

GeekyWombat · 24/10/2017 07:28

Sounds like your DH gets to see his family, MIL gets to realise she can’t treat people the way she has, and you don’t end up in a hotel for Christmas. Everyone wins!

LagunaBubbles · 24/10/2017 07:40

Has your DH pointed out to her now she's sulking that after she invited you all she uninvited you and asked you to stay in a hotel, has she forgotten??

DressedCrab · 24/10/2017 07:49

Sounds to me as though she wanted all her children with her so FiL didn't see them at Christmas.

DancesWithOtters · 24/10/2017 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LakieLady · 24/10/2017 07:55

"You can stay in the living room if you really have to" has to be one of the most grudging offers of accommodation I've ever heard!

I think MIL has behaved appallingly. First the emotional blackmail of the original invite ("so I won't be on my own"), then withdrawing the offer of accommodation in favour of a hotel that would cost you shedloads, and finally the "if you must" invite to sleep 7 humans and 3 animals in the living room ... wtf is she on?

It's all about her if you ask me. She manipulated you into agreeing to make a horrendous journey at the worst time of year, then withdrew it when she found out her daughters could come, then made a vastly inferior offer when she found you were going to stay with FIL - she's playing some fucking bonkers game in the hope that FIL spends Christmas without seeing his DC and DGC, to punish him for leaving her.

I'm not surprised he dumped her. She sounds like a nightmare. You're best off out of it imo.

Don't be surprised if MIL and the SILs gang up on you a bit now, though. It sounds like the SILs have become embroiled in this and may regard your stay with FIL as treachery!

May I request a post-Christmas update? Grin This is starting to sound like one of those Radio 4 plays.

Bitlost · 24/10/2017 08:03

Don't go!

smallmercys · 24/10/2017 09:22

Don't be surprised if MIL and the SILs gang up on you a bit now, though. It sounds like the SILs have become embroiled in this and may regard your stay with FIL as treachery!

^^This.

Flying monkeys at Christmas, what larks Confused

Since there's just the two of them, how about having FIL and OH to come to you so you can avoid the travelling? The downside of that scenario, if it is that, would be missing out on seeing MIL and acolytes.

letsdolunch321 · 24/10/2017 09:28

I would have a lovely Christmas at home with your family.

You can see her next 🐣 easter

Original poster
QueenInTheNorth26 · 24/10/2017 11:51

It's not DH family home from when he was younger so he was moved out by the time it was bought, along with eldest SIL. The youngest SIL wanted her bedroom as she was the only one who lived there. And MIL said as SIL2 only has one DC she would be able to fit in another room.

OP posts:
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