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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH should plan some meals? It's not that hard

140 replies

Laserbird16 · 23/10/2017 13:32

I'm currently on maternity leave and often i'm not hungry in the evening...as I have made umpteen sumptuous dishes to delight DD (14 months) which she doesn't eat so I scoff.

After settling her this evening (which I do every evening as she loves breastfeeding to sleep) I emerge from the bedroom at 7pm to hangry DH. We end up making pizzas and he complains that he wishes I planned our evening meals... and possibly cooked them.

I already do the shopping, plan all of DDs meals and cook them. He knows where the kitchen is so AIBU to think plan your own meals DH, or am I just being lazy? He seems to go through fads of gluten free/no nightshades (which don't apply if he wants KFC for lunch etc). We could be more organised but I don't really want this to become another one of my tasks as I happen to have the ovaries in the relationship.

OP posts:
stealthbanana · 23/10/2017 17:26

FGS

the point is that at the exact time she would normally be prepping the adult dinner, she is breastfeeding the child. Presumably if her husband was giving the tot a bottle then op could get on with it.

Also, what kind of palates do you lot have who only have one meal? I use salt, chili, low fat dairy and all sorts of various things that make our evening meals not child friendly. Not sure I'd be prepared to eat grilled salmon and salt free veg every single evening just in service of my child.

believebelievebelieve · 23/10/2017 17:32

FGS

How hard is it to cook a meal the whole family can eat? Do people not eat with their dc? Very dysfunctional.

believebelievebelieve · 23/10/2017 17:36

But please don't put yourself out in service of your own dc stealthbanana.

Or your DH OP.

FFS

TwattyCatty · 23/10/2017 17:39

the point is that at the exact time she would normally be prepping the adult dinner, she is breastfeeding the child

All day long, she's BF'ing a 14 month old? No wonder the child only eats half strawberries and a sugar snap pea.

Reppin · 23/10/2017 17:50

You could add salt at the table stealthbanana and babies/toddlers can eat normal food that dooesn't have to be boring - curries, sushi, chili, anchovies, etc.

AuntLydia · 23/10/2017 17:52

It all feels very inefficient and unnecessarily difficult. I agree with - wherever possible - one main meal for the family. Either he cooks for you all while you put the baby to sleep - and then you keep a portion back for baby's dinner the next day. Or you make enough for everyone when you make the baby's dinner and keep a portion back for dh. Take it in turns. He is absolutely being unreasonable expecting you to do it all but I would also feel a bit mean making food for 2 out of 3 family members every day and not making a bit extra for dh.

dorislessingscat · 23/10/2017 17:53

Everyone coming down on the OP is ignoring the counter argument: if it’s no big deal then why isn’t the DH doing it a couple of times a week.

I worked full time, with a longish commute, and studied for a part time Masters and I managed to plan and cook meals for my DH. He was run ragged by my non napping DD and some days just needed someone else to do the thinking.

Kentnurse2015 · 23/10/2017 18:01

Wow! YABU! I get that it is busy with a small child. I have 2 of them. I also work. So does DH. We manage to all eat (not necessarily at the same time) hot meals every day and I certainly don't cook all of them.

We meal plan. We have a discussion about anything that needs changing in the plan (I use lollipop sticks labelled with meals and draw them at random to help me plan). Online food order. Then whoever has more time to cook does it on the night. I work a lot of evenings so my husband has a lot of bedtimes to deal with. Those days I cook for him before I go so he can heat something up. Days when I'm home either one of us will do it. I'm not a downtrodden housewife, I enjoy eating with my family when I can and ensuring there is food when I can't.

I have breastfed and put a toddler to bed and still found time to cook when necessary but we have always shared it. You need to communicate and all eat proper meals! If I'm not working I sit down with my husband to eat after the children are in bed and that time is nice to catch up with each other's days.

I have a 15 month old. He eats proper meals.

I think you need much better communication and stop refusing point-blank. He has worked all day just the same as you. Share the load and stop being defensive

over40andpregnant · 23/10/2017 18:03

You need to split it

And I understand why he is annoyed
Eat together as a family
You should do Monday to Thursday and he should do Friday till Sunday

And you are on mat leave. Come on !!

Scoobyloo11 · 23/10/2017 18:35

laserbird16 - YANBU to want DH to do his bit. That seems to be the issue here.

Yes, cooking one meal for all of you would be ideal. But whatever arrangement you have as a family, DH should contribute something - whether that's planning meals or cooking at weekends.

Agree with dorislessingscat and exinscotland. If you take on tasks now it will stay that way when you're back at work. Take it from one who knows..

My DH is now at home and able to make dinner much more than me - and STILL thinks it's beneath him to do more than spend more than 15 minutes on a meal. And heaven forbid he ever makes anything as involved as spaghetti Bol/shepherd's pie...

honeylulu · 23/10/2017 18:43

I'm also baffled by people who shop for the week but haven't planned what meals to make. Surely half the ingredients are missing and/or you have loads of waste.
I think it's mean for you not to cook for him at least some evenings given that you prepare food for 2 out of 3 of the family. How would you like it if he decided the income he'd been earning all day would only be shared between 2 out of 3?
Taking turns would be fair. That's what we did when I was on ML (and then husband on PL). I would have been really pissed off at working full time and coming home to be told I'd got to cook dinner every night. Every other night is fair enough though.

mumonashoestring · 23/10/2017 18:51

I'm a little confused about you doing all the shopping but expecting him to meal plan - if you're not meal planning then how do you know what to buy? And if you're not buying all the necessary bits for a meal I can see why he'd struggle to plan a meal off the back of a quick look in the cupboards while you're settling the baby. Particularly if you're not buying things that can be quickly chucked together but need longer slower cooking or more preparation time.

You could do some shopping, planning and batch cooking together though...

ErnesttheBavarian · 23/10/2017 18:54

I hate cooking. But it's not on imo to not be making the dinner when you're the one at home.

Make 1 meal for the whole family. So much easier.

Then compromise, and he cooks at the weekend. then it's more 50/50 and fair, and you have a break from it.

That works for us.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/10/2017 18:58

For me its that he sits there like a petulant toddler demanding his dinner instead of thinking about what he could do to speed the process along. Even just asking whether spuds need peeling or waer boiling for pasa or the oven putting on.

Just something to show that he doesnt consider the OP to be a maid instead of his wife.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/10/2017 19:04

RE meal planning: I'd never heard of meal planning till I came on mn. Never do it. Freezer full of meat, larder full of larder stuff, always have everything, weekly shop of veg, fruit and fridge stuff, plus anything from freezer/larder that needs topping up. On any night, I can cook any meal I want. Plus this way it's cheaper as I only buy stuff if it's on offer.

Re op. In your situation, id be utilising a slow cooker. Ingredients in when dd playing/lunch time nap, everyone eating same thing, either together or separate. Nothing to do with gender, just whoever has a couple of hours spare at home every day can do it.

Candlelight234 · 23/10/2017 19:07

It's all got unnecessarily complicated and resentful.
There just needs to be a weekly discussion and agreement on meals, someone needs to buy the ingredients, the person who has free time either in the day or early evening needs to get on with cooking the meal.

Witsender · 23/10/2017 19:08

*the point is that at the exact time she would normally be prepping the adult dinner, she is breastfeeding the child. Presumably if her husband was giving the tot a bottle then op could get on with it.

Also, what kind of palates do you lot have who only have one meal? I use salt, chili, low fat dairy and all sorts of various things that make our evening meals not child friendly. Not sure I'd be prepared to eat grilled salmon and salt free veg every single evening just in service of my child.*

I cooked during the day normally, afternoon on the whole. And our kids have genuinely eaten what we eat since 6 months, in varying quantities. I would use low salt stock or whatever and add seasoning to the adults' if needed, add natural yogurt to tone down the heat in a chilli or whatever but essentially the same meal. If they didn't like it having tried it they would have a few bits of cheese, veg, ham or whatever. If I knew it would be wholly unsuitable or we were eating late with friends or something we would do them an omelette, cheesy pasta or whatever. They will eat all sorts.

Witsender · 23/10/2017 19:08

Total bold fail there.

martellandginger · 23/10/2017 19:26

You need to compromise.

NightmareMonkey · 23/10/2017 19:45

What is wrong with him? Does he not know how to cook?? Or is he just lazy? Either way, it's piss poor imo.

Butterymuffin · 23/10/2017 20:09

What Pyongyang said above. If I were the OP I would be saying 'OK, you pick what we're having and get dinner started, right?' as I headed upstairs with baby. It would make me want to scream to find DH sat looking grumpy and saying he was hungry when I came down having done sweet FA.

stealthbanana · 23/10/2017 20:47

Fair enough. My ds is only 10mo and the doctor has said no salt at all + he can't chew v well so it'd be a total waste of time trying to eat the same thing. Plus he has dinner at 530pm - are people even home from work then?! We're certainly not.

I guess I don't understand why, if the op is busy feeding the baby to bed, the DH can't stick some pasta on. Given it's so easy and all that.

AuntLydia · 23/10/2017 20:53

You don't have to eat at the same time though. We used to make dinner late and keep some for the next day for the baby or make it early (if baby was being easy and cooperative) and keep some back for us. When they were too little to chew much I just mashed it all up.

SilverySurfer · 23/10/2017 21:01

I'm all for equality, so he cooks some meals and you go out and work to contribute financially like he currently does. Seems fair.

stealthbanana · 23/10/2017 21:06

Yeah because the op is sitting on her arse all day "silvery*

I've got no dog in this flight - I work full time. But some of you are so amazingly keen to absolve her DH of all responsibility for any household tasks it's unreal.

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