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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell the fiancée about her husband-to-be's past affair?

301 replies

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 02:27

Long-time member, have name-changed. I'm really unsure about this so I'd appreciate honest answers. I'm prepared to be flamed.

Back story: as a student I had a part-time job where I worked with a man who I got on with very well, but was not especially attracted to. Nothing went on whilst we worked together.

I eventually left my job, and moved to a new flat elsewhere in town. Ex co-worker owned a car, and offered to help me move a few things. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I was flattered, but thought this would just be a one-time thing. However, he was quite keen and so it carried on fairly regularly for a couple of months until I ended it after meeting the man who is now my DH.

Ex co-worker was, and continues to be, in a long-term, monogamous relationship. I was aware of this, but I'm not really here to defend what I did or explain why I did it. I never met the girlfriend, and at the time I had absolutely no interest in 'stealing' her boyfriend or letting her know about the affair in any way.

Fast forward a few years, and I hear through the grapevine that ex co-worker proposed to his girlfriend and they are engaged to be married next year. Ex co-worker has intermittently tried to contact me in the intervening years, but he's apparently lost my number and can only do this though emails that I ignore. (DH has always been aware of everything, and I have never been - or ever will be - unfaithful to him.)

I have no great desire to, but should I/WIBU to now let the fiancée know about the past affair before she married this man? Would she want to know? Or should I just leave well alone?

OP posts:
MummyMuppet2x2 · 23/10/2017 14:30

If it was me potentially about to marry a cheat I'd want to know.

It's not in the past, he's still trying to lure you via email. He's still intending to cheat - which is as good/bad as cheating.

I vote you tell her.
And I canNOT believe anyone thinks any different. Seriously.

Original poster
PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 15:11

Many have said it is selfish and malicious to say anything now. I understand why this has been said, and I've decided not to say anything to the fiancée.

OP posts:
whiskyowl · 23/10/2017 15:13

Many are still stuck in the 1950s, doesn't mean they are right!

Rachie1973 · 23/10/2017 15:23

Keep out!

annielouise · 23/10/2017 15:24

You're not selfish and malicious to say something now! A lot would want to know. She may have inklings and have been gaslighted for years. This might give her the incentive to get out, especially as he doesn't seem to have changed his behaviour. Worse thing she has kids with him and then they split. Tell her and then let them get on with it.

cingolimama · 23/10/2017 15:30

Whisky just because someone disagrees with you on this issue, doesn't mean they're "stuck in the fifties". They might just see it differently.

TriHard27 · 23/10/2017 16:26

I would definitely want to know if it was me, I just don't see how you can surface after all this time and tell her in a way she will believe. It does just look malicious and unbelievable even though those aren't at all your intentions.

RedForFilth · 23/10/2017 16:33

I'd rather know and have to call off a wedding than be laughed at and made to look a fool on my wedding day for marrying a cheat. Although I'd be surprised if she doesn't already know on some level.
Sorry this has probably been covered but what does he contact you for? Could you ask him if she knows?

Fanciedachange17 · 23/10/2017 18:06

I'm guessing you are all in your twenties now?

FWIW I think you sound a decent person OP. You've owned up to making a mistake and I also noticed you felt flattered by his attentions which did suggest a lack of confidence when you were younger? I think you are being unfairly blasted and are handling it very well.

How would you tell her? I do think she should know. Not to soothe your guilt but because being married to a cheater is one of the most painful emotional blows when it all goes wrong. It won't be easy and I admire your courage. Would your DH help you?

Like a pp said, if we ALL stopped covering up for cheaters by pretending we knew nothing then maybe, just maybe, there might be fewer of them. He's still contacting you. He's still cheating emotionally as he's still hinting at restarting affairs.

Original poster
PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 19:30

I was not particularly confident six years ago, no. I had recently been assaulted by an ex-boyfriend, and wasn't dealing with it in a particularly healthy way. But of course that is not the girlfriend/fiancée's problem.

This has really been a thread of two halves!

OP posts:
doobeydoo · 23/10/2017 19:40

OP - are you sure his emails are flirtatious/communicate innuendos? You'd need to be 100% sure to even consider telling his girlfriend and maybe you're misreading/wishful thinking!

Lottie509 · 23/10/2017 19:40

Yes tell her, poor woman deserves to know, regardless how long ago it happened if he still tries to get in touch with you even now you probably arent the only one.

Original poster
PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 19:58

No. Not wishful thinking. As I have said before, I am not interested in this man or his attentions.

And I've been around long enough to understand the purpose of his emails.

And, frankly, is there ever any innocent reason to contact the person you cheated on your fiancée with?

OP posts:
Lottie509 · 23/10/2017 20:20

Of course there isnt, tell her, Forward her the emails too, Even if they are pretty brief its still proof he contacts you.

CoveredInFondant · 23/10/2017 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ilovetolurk · 23/10/2017 21:57

coveredinfondant

That's quite terrifying

WhooooAmI24601 · 23/10/2017 22:06

Just tell her. Life is too short to let other people marry cheating arseholes. You've nothing to personally gain, your life won't be affected by the outcome and if she loves him and he's truly - truly - changed, she might be able to work through this and build a better, stronger marriage with him. But to allow someone to blindly enter into a lifelong commitment knowing full well one party has been unfaithful is madness. I'd be gutted if DH had cheated during our relationship and I'd naively gone along thinking life was lovely because nobody had the balls to tell me.

Tell her. Tell her the brutal truth and let him deal with the repercussions of his shitty behaviour (though I'm not in any way saying your behaviour wasn't shitty - you know full well you were a dick in this, too, and it's possible she'll throw that right back in your face).

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2017 22:16

God almighty, the,women on here that would fuck an attached man, wait six years till they announced the wedding then horse in and tell the fiancée is appalling.

This isn’t some fairy story, this is a real woman, with a real partner, maybe even kids. Tell her, what for the drama on mumsnet?ruin her life even more just for the shits snd giggles, and hey make sure you post and tell us all about it op, how hurt was she, is the wedding off, give us the gories, go on do it, entertain us op with your sordid little life op and how much devastation you caused.

TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 23/10/2017 22:18

if we ALL stopped covering up for cheaters by pretending we knew nothing then maybe, just maybe, there might be fewer of them.

^^
This, with bells on...

If some of my old colleagues had had the guts to come forward before my wedding with what they knew about my ex I would never have married him. And saved myself years of heartache, and saved my poor kids the mess and pain of divorce due to his inability to be faithful.

TwattyvonTwatofTwatsville · 23/10/2017 22:26

God almighty, the,women on here that would fuck an attached man, wait six years till they announced the wedding then horse in and tell the fiancée is appalling.

Bluntness - and the man who cheated on his GF 6 years ago and STILL regularly pursues his old conquest, DESPITE now being engaged to said GF and planning on marrying her??

If he is still chasing OP I can guarantee she isn't the only one.

The poor woman who is going to be marrying this cheating twat deserves to know what she is going into whilst she still has a change to back out!

Far worse that she marries him, not knowing, then finds out the hard way as I did, when there may be kids, and joint finances involved.

FFS - if my darling daughter was being cheated on by her fiancee I would bloody well want better for her! No matter how painful at the time, it will be far less than marrying a liar and a cheat and finding out later.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 23/10/2017 22:28

What we should go round telling on other people we dont know not everyone has the same moral compass

People get hurt and that’s horrible but it’s not going to stop people cheating it’s not going to stop people lying and choosing to believe lies we take that risk in relationships

Mumof56 · 23/10/2017 22:35

Y ABU & sound crazy

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 23/10/2017 23:02

Like a pp said, if we ALL stopped covering up for cheaters by pretending we knew nothing then maybe, just maybe, there might be fewer of them

Rubbish . People used to be and in some places still are - punished brutallly for cheating . It's always going to happen and people 'reporting ' won't change it

MrLovebucket · 24/10/2017 00:08

if we ALL stopped covering up for cheaters by pretending we knew nothing then maybe, just maybe, there might be fewer of them.

Maybe if women stopped shagging men they know already have a partner then there would be fewer of them to cover up for. Just a thought.

Myheartbelongsto · 24/10/2017 00:15

Yes of course contact her and let her know that you are THAT woman that sleeps with men who are attached.