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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell the fiancée about her husband-to-be's past affair?

301 replies

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 02:27

Long-time member, have name-changed. I'm really unsure about this so I'd appreciate honest answers. I'm prepared to be flamed.

Back story: as a student I had a part-time job where I worked with a man who I got on with very well, but was not especially attracted to. Nothing went on whilst we worked together.

I eventually left my job, and moved to a new flat elsewhere in town. Ex co-worker owned a car, and offered to help me move a few things. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I was flattered, but thought this would just be a one-time thing. However, he was quite keen and so it carried on fairly regularly for a couple of months until I ended it after meeting the man who is now my DH.

Ex co-worker was, and continues to be, in a long-term, monogamous relationship. I was aware of this, but I'm not really here to defend what I did or explain why I did it. I never met the girlfriend, and at the time I had absolutely no interest in 'stealing' her boyfriend or letting her know about the affair in any way.

Fast forward a few years, and I hear through the grapevine that ex co-worker proposed to his girlfriend and they are engaged to be married next year. Ex co-worker has intermittently tried to contact me in the intervening years, but he's apparently lost my number and can only do this though emails that I ignore. (DH has always been aware of everything, and I have never been - or ever will be - unfaithful to him.)

I have no great desire to, but should I/WIBU to now let the fiancée know about the past affair before she married this man? Would she want to know? Or should I just leave well alone?

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 23/10/2017 11:18

Your time to do it was just after he had the affair with you.

Not 6 years later. The marriage makes very little difference really. If you wanted her to know then you should have told her before it got to this stage.

If you emailed me to tell me what my fiancé had done with you 6 years ago I would be pretty pissed that you didn't tell me earlier, giving me a chance to get out of the relationship before things got more serious.

No good will come from it. Keep out.

AuroraBora · 23/10/2017 11:21

I would just leave it OP.

FWIW I think I'd want to know, but you can see from this thread that actually most women wouldn't want to.

Funnily enough I have a very similar story in that I knew a guy at work was sleeping with someone else at work (I asked her outright one night when we were drunk and she confirmed it to me), and found out two years later that he had been with a long term girlfriend for the whole time. Everyone at work was raving about how adorable it was that he was engaged and all it made me do was see him in a new light. What a bastard Angry He's now married and has a baby with the same woman he's been with for years.

So should I have told the girlfriend/fiancé? Or is it none of my business? I concluded it was none of my business, people change, etc etc, and I really don't know either of them at all TBH!

Bluntness100 · 23/10/2017 11:21

I struggle to believe a man sends an email twice a year that propositions a woman when he’s never had a reply and hasn’t done for six years.

Either there is something very wrong with him and he is stalking you , or there is some critical info missing. No reply and people normally give up, they don’t keep sending chatty emails into the ether for six years.

Either he’s not sending you these type of messages or he is and you’ve been responding.

Have you been responding op? Encouraging him? Is that why you want to tell her now the marriage is announced?

No way he’s been sending you these emails for six whole years and he’s never once had a reply. No way on earth. If he was you’d be screaming stalker.

Whinesalot · 23/10/2017 11:21

Normally I'm in the tell her camp - but she's not a friend and it was so long ago. I think I'd let sleeping dogs lie.

Original poster
PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 11:22

I know my own mother would be very hurt if she became aware of what I'd done as a student. I was living hundreds of miles away, and it wasn't something I ever discussed with her.

OP posts:
HooraySunshine · 23/10/2017 11:22

People keep saying 'this happened 6 years ago' but the thing is, he's still messaging you. So it didn't actually 'end' 6 years ago, he's been messaging you even after he recently got engaged. The reason to tell her now is that you didn't even know he was still with her, but now knowing they're getting married you think she should know what he's been up to during these past 6 years.

Original poster
PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 11:25

Bluntness. I replied once in 2012, letting him know I was married.

Otherwise, nothing. There's not much I can do to make you believe that, really.

OP posts:
Original poster
PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 11:28

And I remember telling him that getting an email from him was a bit weird. His reply was along the lines of 'what can I say, I'm a weird guy' kind of thing.

He doesn't know where I live or where I work. He doesn't have my number. He sends a couple of emails that I don't reply to. It's not really something that would make me 'scream stalker'. He just tries his luck I think.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 23/10/2017 11:32

Oh that is very weird then really. Something wrong with the guy that for six years he would continue to hit on you, with no response after no more than a handful of random shags. That’s obsessive behaviour.

Original poster
PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 11:36

I don't think he's obsessive. I think he probably just gets bored now and again and sends a message hoping I'll, for some reason, bite.

OP posts:
BabyKangaroo90 · 23/10/2017 11:36

I think some people are being a little harsh here. Yes ok you did a terrible thing by sleeping with him if you knew he was in a relationship but the reality is this woman may not know about him continually trying to make contact with you. If it were me I would want to know definitely about the suggestive emails. I would NOT want to marry someone who was trying their luck with an old fling! I would want to know. But you will need to be prepared for a huge backlash if you do tell her, likelyhood is she won't believe you and he will deny deny deny. Men like that always find a way to wriggle out of these things. He can't have his cake and eat it.

derxa · 23/10/2017 11:37

Could you reply to his email, and say that you and your husband, hear congratulations are in order, and wish him all the best, also you would appreciate it, if he didn't send anymore inappropriate emails. This.
If you contact the GF she won't believe you. She'll be questioning your motivation. Because you didn't give a shit about her before.

Original poster
PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 11:40

We did work together for a couple of years before we slept together. The emails are more in a kind of chatty, friendly, catch-up tone - with the inneuendo/invitation always there at the end.

I suppose he could view it - and defend it - as just getting in touch with an old friend/co-worker. Of course that's not really how I see it.

OP posts:
Original poster
PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 11:40

*innuendo

OP posts:
kateandme · 23/10/2017 11:44

is there any way it could be innocent.if not hes a knob and I really feel for his future wife.gosh poor poor her.if he hasn't completely seen the error whe you ended it 6 years ago and is still wanted a fling.oh I feel sick for her.

TriHard27 · 23/10/2017 12:07

I'd leave it just because it was so long ago I don't think there is any way to tell her that wouldn't sound a bit unhinged and unreasonable.

He only emails now and then to try his luck because he's a shagger and you were up for it previously so might be again. His fiancée will have a miserable life with him but if it's not you, it'll be someone else, men like that never change. Hmm

Ellapaella · 23/10/2017 12:16

If you contact her now all these years later and say ‘oh by the way I slept with your fiancé years ago when you were together’ you will just come across as being vindictive. He will say you are bullshitting and it won’t end well. Now is not the time. She’s not your close friend - don’t say anything.

lilly0 · 23/10/2017 12:25

After being cheated on by a man I thought I knew 100 percent and wouldn't expect him to cheat ever tell her maybe she already knows maybe she doesn't. She won't thank you now but she will in the years to come.

user1467718508 · 23/10/2017 13:23

...Really don't understand the 'let it lie' mentality here! Confused Maybe if he expressed huge amounts of regret at the time, and then never contacted OP again; but that's clearly not the case?

The fact he's maintained (flirtatious) contact over the last 6 years makes me think he's a serial shagger with zero remorse.

Personally, I couldn't shake the guilt of allowing another woman to marry him, whilst being unaware of his infidelity...no matter how long ago.

If I were the fiance, I'd absolutely want to know, and would almost immediately be thanking the other woman who had the guts to tell me.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 23/10/2017 13:31

I would tell her. Ideally you would have told her at the time that her bf was hitting on you and left him well alone but what's done is done. Be prepared for her not to believe you though and think you want to steal her absolute prize of a man. I very much doubt he's kept it in his pants for the past 6 years so I doubt you are the only one. His fiancé probably knows what he's like and is in denial.

KarateKitten · 23/10/2017 13:53

I often wish it was the standard cultural practice to always tell of people's cheating rather than hiding it on behalf of cheaters. Maybe people would think twice and just be upfront about their intentions across the board if it was normal to tell someone the truth about cheating, close friend or stranger included.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 23/10/2017 14:12

I can't believe you are asking this !
No , no , no !

It's reading quite maliciously to be honest to devastate a woman's life because you fucked her partner a few years ago Confused

KarateKitten · 23/10/2017 14:21

Stopfucking, I think this woman's fiancée has already devestated her life, she just doesn't know it yet. But she will. At some point.

KarateKitten · 23/10/2017 14:22

Actually I know two guys who cheated early in their relationship and got married later on. One I'm pretty certain hasn't cheated on her since she became his wife and I've no contact with the other so who knows....

whiskyowl · 23/10/2017 14:22

"It's reading quite maliciously to be honest to devastate a woman's life because you fucked her partner a few years ago"

Her life is ALREADY devastated. It ALREADY HAPPENED. She's just living a lie now.