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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell the fiancée about her husband-to-be's past affair?

301 replies

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 02:27

Long-time member, have name-changed. I'm really unsure about this so I'd appreciate honest answers. I'm prepared to be flamed.

Back story: as a student I had a part-time job where I worked with a man who I got on with very well, but was not especially attracted to. Nothing went on whilst we worked together.

I eventually left my job, and moved to a new flat elsewhere in town. Ex co-worker owned a car, and offered to help me move a few things. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I was flattered, but thought this would just be a one-time thing. However, he was quite keen and so it carried on fairly regularly for a couple of months until I ended it after meeting the man who is now my DH.

Ex co-worker was, and continues to be, in a long-term, monogamous relationship. I was aware of this, but I'm not really here to defend what I did or explain why I did it. I never met the girlfriend, and at the time I had absolutely no interest in 'stealing' her boyfriend or letting her know about the affair in any way.

Fast forward a few years, and I hear through the grapevine that ex co-worker proposed to his girlfriend and they are engaged to be married next year. Ex co-worker has intermittently tried to contact me in the intervening years, but he's apparently lost my number and can only do this though emails that I ignore. (DH has always been aware of everything, and I have never been - or ever will be - unfaithful to him.)

I have no great desire to, but should I/WIBU to now let the fiancée know about the past affair before she married this man? Would she want to know? Or should I just leave well alone?

OP posts:
Slartybartfast · 24/10/2017 09:04

i genuinely think too much water has passed under the bridge. Six years is far too long. she may have reconciled herself to his infidelity - she may be oblivious but it is far too late for your input.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 24/10/2017 09:11

If I knock over and kill a child on the road through reckless driving, it doesn't become "past history" because it was 10 years ago. It will eternally be true - it is an event that can't be taken back, that will always be in the present because it changes the fabric of reality for everyone connected with it. Cheating is the same.
Disagree.
Besides, I would have my dh cheat on me a thousand times rather than anyone's child be killed on the road.

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 24/10/2017 09:14

shit. Italics fail. Sorry.
If I knock over and kill a child on the road through reckless driving, it doesn't become "past history" because it was 10 years ago. It will eternally be true - it is an event that can't be taken back, that will always be in the present because it changes the fabric of reality for everyone connected with it. Cheating is the same
Disagree.
Besides, I would have my dh cheat on me a thousand times rather than anyone's child be killed on the road.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 24/10/2017 09:15

How have we moved on from an affair to accidentally killling a child

Some people overlook affairs, accept them live by well they return home to me, move on from them, allow their partner to act out their sexual fantasies and for them it’s a turn on

A child’s death never improves in anyway a parents life and their is never a choice to walk away from the situation

whiskyowl · 24/10/2017 09:16

I wasn't equating the two in their magnitude. I was saying that breaking a promise is an irrevocable thing. You can't just remake the promise and go on - the nature and value of any future promise between you is inherently changed by the fact that there has been a break. I'm not saying people can't recover from affairs - empirically, they do - but that post-affair is categorically different from pre-affair in terms of trust and belief because the nature of the relationship is changed thereafter.

whiskyowl · 24/10/2017 09:17

(The point is one about the evental nature of cheating).

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 24/10/2017 09:21

I don't think you have a moral responsibility to tell her tbh because it was so long ago, they were not engaged at the time so things have moved on between them, you don't really know what he's up to now, you don't know her and nobody is asking.
It does remain a moral dilemma though, as you say, you think you would want to know in her position.
I'd want to chew this over on an ethics forum.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 24/10/2017 09:22

But you are equating how you feel about their relationship and your relationships

You don’t know how his partner feels or what their relationship is like

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 24/10/2017 09:24

Sorry Whisky I don't believe you were equating the two in magnitude but It was a particularly triggering example for me and I still don't think they're comparable because of the resulting effects of each scenario.

whiskyowl · 24/10/2017 09:25

"You don’t know how his partner feels or what their relationship is like"

What people don't seem to realise is that this is a problem in BOTH scenarios - to tell or not to tell. The only thing that's preventing people seeing it is that being passive/doing nothing is being equated with an impossible scenario where the cheating hasn't already happened. But it has happened, so the choice is: leave the woman in ignorance (which she might not want) or tell her (which she might not want). There is no way of factoring in her wishes precisely because they are a total unknown here.

whiskyowl · 24/10/2017 09:26

Sorry that you were triggered by that drKrogers. I think there are some awful things in life that you can't go back on or mend, and my heart goes out to anyone who has been through that Flowers

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 24/10/2017 09:27

What people don't seem to realise is that this is a problem in BOTH scenarios - to tell or not to tell
That's probably true

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 24/10/2017 09:28

No need Whisky I didn't mean to make you feel bad or censored. Flowers

whiskyowl · 24/10/2017 09:33

I am just sorry my post caused you pain, and you're right to mention it! Thanks for being so lovely about it.

Roussette · 24/10/2017 09:41

Put it like this...

I went out with a bloke before I met DH and he was a complete bastard, a classic sociopath who messed up my head for thankfully a short period of time. I know via grapevine he has split with his wife and is dating again. Should I warn his new gf what a nasty piece of work he is, decades later? Nope. There are very many things that people do that isn't right but we can't take on guardianship for anyone they care to meet in the future.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 24/10/2017 09:49

Absolutely there is a problem with telling and not telling

But we can’t go round correcting people’s behaviour becuase we feels ours is morally superior it doesn’t work as someone pointed out that people are being physically punished (and even killed) and affairs still happen no person is perfect we can all be lead astray

If the op had told her when the affair happened that would be different as she was still very much involved but she isn’t now regardless of him trying to contact her (and yes no doubt to carry on the no strings attached sex)

whiskyowl · 24/10/2017 10:09

It's not about correcting behaviour, though, is it? The OP isn't on an evangelical mission to reform this man - he's far in her past. It's about telling his new partner that he wasn't faithful to her in the past. The OP has been very clear that she's not taking a morally superior stance; in fact, her posts suggests that she suffered a lot at the time and regrets some of the decisions she made very deeply now. I remember her experiences of assault on the thread she's mentioned and they were really upsetting.

Roussette · 24/10/2017 10:17

The OP isn't on an evangelical mission to reform this man - he's far in her past
Totall agree, no one has a right to try and reform, and yes he is far in her pat.

It's about telling his new partner that he wasn't faithful to her in the past
But what right has she to do that? There are very many people out there I'd like to dob in about horrendous behaviour - someone I knew was for all intents and purposes a kleptomaniac and stole from so called friends, I know people who have had affairs (never right, but in one case was almost left with little option), people who have betrayed others to climb the corporate ladder.... but I'm not going to go round putting all the wrongs right, cloaked in fake concern for the wronged parties. I'm not whiter than white

(This sounds harsh to the OP and I don't mean it to be, and I know you are not doing fake concern, I'm just trying clumsily to put my point across Smile)

DrKrogersfavouritepatient · 24/10/2017 10:25

I think I'm looking at it from an informed consent POV.
If I found out that my DH had been unfaithful to me earlier in our relationship (at the stage where mutual exclusivity had been assumed or declared) I might reconsider marrying him, especially if he was still "pursuing" or fishing for the woman he had had sex with. I might not, but still, someone (the OP) is in possession of the information that could inform my decision.
The trouble is that the engagement is probably not the point at which many women have committed themselves to the relationship. IME (though this won't be the same for everyone) women are in the business of happily accepting a long awaited proposal because they've been waiting for him to commit. So she's likely already made up her mind and may well not see the information as new enough to be relevant.
If the OP knew him to be a violent man I think her moral obligation to disclose that information would be clearer cut, IMHO.
I'm not convinced OP had a moral duty either way.

Original poster
PastMistakes · 24/10/2017 10:30

Roussette's way of putting it is definitely food for thought.

Obviously I was involved and I probably could never be objective about it, but this thread has helped me tease out the 'essential' nature of my question. Framed like this: in another universe perhaps I wasn't involved in the fling, but I knew the person who was and she told me. Now I know this man has been unfaithful in the past to his girlfriend/fiancée, and will probably continue to be - should I tell the fiancée?

And, actually, I don't know the fiancée at all. She is a stranger to me. And in both the parallel universe and this one, I don't really care about the fiancé.

Put like this, I'd probably agree with the majority of posters and not say anything. It is definitely difficult though and I completely understand what whiskyowl is saying.

OP posts:
Charolais · 25/10/2017 02:00

To reply to the responses to my PP. It was none of my business what my friend's boyfriend and now husband was doing with other women. My friend is very happy with her husband and he with her. They have stood by each other for many decades and love each other. I think some women crave the power to shatter lives and never pass up the opportunity to do so.

It makes me wonder, due to the glee and eagerness to interfere I often see expressed here, do any of you make things up to destroy other people’s relationships?

Foobarjar · 25/10/2017 02:06

My ex continued to contact me for sex for years.... When I found out he had a girlfriend I stopped contact. He's now married to with 2 kids and seemingly happy. It was so long ago and when they were first together that I would never dream of telling her. People grow and change (I like to believe)

If however he was engaged or married and still doing the same I may think different.

I wish someone had been honest with me prior to kids. My life would have been different.

UnFuckingAcceptable · 25/10/2017 02:53

Christ!
The amount of venom directed towards a single woman who 'Fucked someone else's dp' or 'led a man astray' or some other delightful phrase, a woman who is attempting to do the right thing by letting a woman know what she is about to marry, is mind-blowing.

Oh those poor, poor innocent men; dragged into bed by evil single women who know they are in a relationship.

Not only do some view the SINGLE WOMAN as the baddie in this piece but she also gets flack for wanting to warn the future wife of a poor can't control his own penis diamond catch what she is actually about to commit the rest of her life to!!

How the hell do women always end up more to blame than the cheating fucker that's fucking cheating in the eyes of some?
Blows my mind.

Anyway PastMistakes I would do as other, sensible posters have suggested and email him (would you know how to contact her even if you wanted to?)

I'd implore him to come clean and give future wife the chance to enter marriage with her eyes wide open.
While I was at it I would also tell him to not email me ever again.
I'd tell him the reason you don't respond is because you think he's an absolute tramp and you regret that you ever gave him the time of day.

To those doubting anyone would randomly get in touch without getting any reply.
Yes they would.
I get annual messages from an ex.
I'm not interested, he's a knob.
He's also married.
I just ignore but every now and then he sends an almost identikit message in an attempt to 'catch up'.
Sad bastard.
I don't tell his wife. They apparently separate regularly due to his cheating.

MistressDeeCee · 25/10/2017 03:09

He's still trying it on 6 years later because he's a cheat, you're a cheat, and you're ensuring he can still contact you via email AFTER he's given you the come on - ie you haven't told him to stop nor have you blocked him. So clearly- you like the situation

You're married, playing stupid games with your ex as you still fancy him, and now want to upset his fiancee. Good luck. I hope as soon as you tell her (and despite what you say she may not want to leave him anyway), she finds out you are married and tells your DH about you shagging her man and still maintaining contact with him all these years later

You're as bad as each other. You won't block him or stop his advances, because you're invested. Both his fiancee and your DH deserve better than you two

UnFuckingAcceptable · 25/10/2017 04:17

Mistress have you rtft?
Op isn't a cheat nor is she interested.
That's your own sick little spin on it.

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