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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell the fiancée about her husband-to-be's past affair?

301 replies

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 02:27

Long-time member, have name-changed. I'm really unsure about this so I'd appreciate honest answers. I'm prepared to be flamed.

Back story: as a student I had a part-time job where I worked with a man who I got on with very well, but was not especially attracted to. Nothing went on whilst we worked together.

I eventually left my job, and moved to a new flat elsewhere in town. Ex co-worker owned a car, and offered to help me move a few things. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. I was flattered, but thought this would just be a one-time thing. However, he was quite keen and so it carried on fairly regularly for a couple of months until I ended it after meeting the man who is now my DH.

Ex co-worker was, and continues to be, in a long-term, monogamous relationship. I was aware of this, but I'm not really here to defend what I did or explain why I did it. I never met the girlfriend, and at the time I had absolutely no interest in 'stealing' her boyfriend or letting her know about the affair in any way.

Fast forward a few years, and I hear through the grapevine that ex co-worker proposed to his girlfriend and they are engaged to be married next year. Ex co-worker has intermittently tried to contact me in the intervening years, but he's apparently lost my number and can only do this though emails that I ignore. (DH has always been aware of everything, and I have never been - or ever will be - unfaithful to him.)

I have no great desire to, but should I/WIBU to now let the fiancée know about the past affair before she married this man? Would she want to know? Or should I just leave well alone?

OP posts:

HooraySunshine · 23/10/2017 10:32

I think if he's had an affair with you (and still emailing you), then chances are very likely he's been sleeping around with other women as well. Maybe the odd one night stand, maybe a regular fling. Who knows.

She's been with him for 6 years. It's hard to believe she has no idea, but maybe she genuinely doesn't have a clue?

Personally, I would want to know if the man I was about to marry and potentially have children with was/had been cheating on me. Even if it was 6 years ago, the fact he has continued to contact you means he would do it again and I think that's the key bit I'd want to know. You are married and he's still trying to sleep with you... he has no 'respect' for marriage.

Whatever she chooses to do with the information (not believe you, leave him, marry him, etc) that's her choice, but at least she has been told. Especially if he contacts you again before the wedding. It's a shame you deleted his emails because now there is no proof.

I would message her and say something like: 'Hello, I just want to apologise to you for my part in what happened 6 years ago. I knew he was in a relationship and I slept with him anyways. For that I am truly sorry. He has continued to contact me, even though I am now married. I moved out of the country and I didn't know you were still dating him. Now I have come back and hear you're about to marry this man and I felt you should know the truth. Again, I'm sorry for my part in this and I am not trying to hurt you or ruin your wedding, but felt I would want to know this information if I was in your shoes.'

Either that, or the next time he contacts you, reply to him AND her that you're not sure his wife to be would appreciate him continuing an affair.

SlackerMum1 · 23/10/2017 10:34

I’d definitely leave it if I were you OP. Too much time has passed and too much water under the bridge to bring it up now. And even if it were a more recent thing then you’d still need to think very carefully as I don’t think can ever be an easy or universal right answer on what to do in these situations.

Also think about it this way - if the affair was a one off or he has changed then not much value in telling her now. If he is still a cheating scuzz then it will catch up with him and when it does it will be a live current event not ancient history that he may easily wriggle out of.

PinkHeart5914 · 23/10/2017 10:35

So you shagged this man 6 years ago despite knowing he was in a relationship and now want to be all I must confess? You didn’t care about his partner then so why say anything Now?

Surely you have something better to be doing with your time. Seriously just forget about it

Slartybartfast · 23/10/2017 10:35

to make peace with yourself op, how about replying to his emails to say I hope you are being faithful now you are going to get married?

Slartybartfast · 23/10/2017 10:35

and yes you can block his emails. send them to spam.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2017 10:38

Doesn’t actually matter what mn folk think,what matters is what you think your motivation
What will be gained by disclosing his affair?what would you like to happen?
What’s the compulsion to tell her.Do you think woman to woman she deserves to know
What if it all backfires and she’s annoyed at you?what if she warmly thanks you and thinks she’s dodged a bullet?

whiskyowl · 23/10/2017 10:43

I think the opposite - the OP's motivation doesn't matter in the slightest.

What matters is that the wife-to-be is given the opportunity to evaluate whether she wants to be with this bastard going forward. Because she's about to make a promise that gives him significant legal claims on her, potentially under the very mistaken notion that he is faithful to her.

whiskyowl · 23/10/2017 10:44

And the reason the OP's motivation doesn't matter is.... HE HAS ALREADY CHEATED! This is not hypothetical. He already did it.

Original poster

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 10:45

I know I can block the emails, but I'm a programmer and I use Ubuntu and a Postfix server so it's a bit more hassle to do. I don't want to change my whole setup just to avoid having to delete a couple of irritating emails each year.

OP posts:

whiskyowl · 23/10/2017 10:48

Again, what difference does it make if you're reading his emails and deleting, or auto-deleting them? Not the blindest bit, as far as I can see. The issue is: he is probably in a relationship that is supposed to be exclusive, yet here he is still messaging you after having cheated with you a while back.

Original poster

PastMistakes · 23/10/2017 10:51

I understand that's the real issue. People just seem to be caught up on telling me I'm interested in his attention and/or want drama because I don't block his emails and just delete them instead.

OP posts:

annielouise · 23/10/2017 10:51

I think she should know but I'd hate to have to tell her. You admit what you did wasn't great and I can see why you didn't tell her before but she's now going to tie herself to him even more, probably with children in the not too distant future too, and because of that I think she should know as I would want to know before I was linked to him for ever more through children.

annielouise · 23/10/2017 10:52

Ignore all the nonsense about trying to create drama. I get why you're thinking you should do it.

formerbabe · 23/10/2017 10:52

I find it hard to understand. She's not your mate. Why do you care about her life?

Slartybartfast · 23/10/2017 10:55

can you threaten him that you will tell her?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/10/2017 10:58

Your motivation for why to disclose now is pivotal. Why now,not the immediate period after?
Doesn’t matter what mn folk think of your actions.you knew it’d be badly received
IMO it’s not your role to inform the fiancée.youre already tainted by association
You’ve moved on,it’s not your business whether or not he remains a shagger

PollytheDolly · 23/10/2017 10:59

It’s not 6 years though, is it? He’s still trying to contact the OP. I can see why she’s thinking about it.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 23/10/2017 10:59

Leave things be

Lots of people have affairs it’s not for us to go round informing on them unless you want to take of the role of being the morale police

Would it ease your guilt ?

She isn’t your friend you don’t know what is going on in their life so leave things be and move on yourself

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 23/10/2017 11:02

moral

kateandme · 23/10/2017 11:05

i think the time since it happened is a big factor.what if he too chaged and beyond changed into someone decent.its still disgusting to have done it at all but his whole life since could have turned upside down.
yet still I cant help thinking if I was his fiancé.and the sickness this brings to my tummy to think of someone I love ever to have done this to me.make me really scared and emotional!
though how youd ever tell her and not cause major pain is unavoidable.so it a no win.there will be pain either way I think.unless he has changed completely and it never ever comes up.
is there any other reason he could be contacting.to even tell you how hes changed.tell you how much he loves and is devoted to his wife.instead of just trying to get in touch to sleep with you?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 23/10/2017 11:07

I'm not going to flame you. Could you reply to his email, and say that you and your husband, hear congratulations are in order, and wish him all the best, also you would appreciate it, if he didn't send anymore inappropriate emails.

kateandme · 23/10/2017 11:09

perhaps you could email him back?mention what you've heard of impending marriage and how his commitment was so shit before you want to think he is being cautious with her heart now.i don't no.i don't no how this could be worked out.

Annwithnoe · 23/10/2017 11:12

Quite the crowd of stone throwers here
I don't doubt you've changed in the last six years OP, the world would be an awful place if teenagers didn't eventually grow up!
It sounds to me that you were fairly typical prey for a cheating married man. I'm not trying to be hurtful in saying this OP. An affair with a mm feels like an ego boost, but generally they choose someone who is vulnerable, has low self esteem and weak personal boundaries. You slept with someone who you didn't particularly fancy because you felt flattered I hope you are in a better place these days, and not vulnerable to the attentions of creeps like this.
You know you did something very wrong in having an affair but I think you were also wrong to keep quiet for 6 years though I can understand why.
You won't destroy their relationship (he's done that) but you might destroy her illusion of the relationship. Or, you might find that like many women with a cheating partner, she already knows, but she doesn't know what she knows.
She probably knows he blows hot and cold, that sometimes he's attentive and other times distracted and irritable. She has probably wondered and felt guilty for jealousy, not trusting him, resenting the time he spends at hobbies/work.... it's a shit way to live.
I think you should tell her op and then back off. Keep your own DH in the loop, and be kind to yourself if the memories get difficult. MN isn't a kind place for this sort of thing but you might benefit from talking it through at some point.

kateandme · 23/10/2017 11:14

have you got any rl friends you could trust with this.i no we are bouncing off opinions and that ok.but just someone who co exists in the environment/life you live so could really understand what impact this might have on either lives?your too because do you share friends now.do you see eachother.could this hurt you more now too.if all your family and friends found out. no that I'm trying to protect affairs.but this wont just be telling her.the ripples will be felt.
have you talked this through more with your dh.really ask him in on this because he will be supporting you I assume or there for you with whatever you decide to doxx

kateandme · 23/10/2017 11:15

annbeautifully put

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