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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Colleague keeps telling me I’m ‘next to have a baby’

74 replies

Pearlsofmadness · 22/10/2017 10:28

AIBU to find this annoying?

I was married in July and, since then, people keep telling me I’ll be pregnant soon/I’ll have a baby by this time next year. A few of my friends are pregnant or have just had children so they naturally think I’m ‘next’.

It wouldn’t bother me so much if it was just family and friends saying this, but a particular work colleague brings it up at least 3 or 4 times a week.
The truth is, I’m not ready for children yet. I would like them eventually but, even then, I am fully aware that it is not a straightforward process. What if I can’t even have a baby?
AIBU to be feeling increasingly annoyed at this work colleague? I feel like it’s quite insensitive of him to keep mentioning it all the time when I’ve clearly said ‘I am not planning to have a baby yet.’ I feel like telling them to shove off and mind their own business.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 22/10/2017 10:30

Tell them to fuck off for the sake of all the women in the workplace. For all they know, you could be desperate to have a baby and struggling. It's totally inappropriate.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 22/10/2017 10:30

I would do that, then. A quick, "What has it got to do with you?" might work wonders.

LambChopsMcGee · 22/10/2017 10:31

Yanbu.
I hate this, though I understand as a one off thing to say without thinking (I've been guilty of this in the past with close friends).

Stop talking about my uterus, mate.

C0untDucku1a · 22/10/2017 10:32

It is inappropriate. Is there aomeone you cAn complain to as youve already tried to deal wth it yourself and he is continuing?

Original poster

Pearlsofmadness · 22/10/2017 10:33

Purpledaisies I think that’s why it’s annoying me so much. He’s a single man who has never had a long term relationship and, I don’t mean to generalise, but he probably has no idea about the fertility struggles women go through.

OP posts:

ImNotWhoYouThinkIAmOhNo · 22/10/2017 10:34

Is there a hidden agenda, like if you went on mat leave he'd get promotion to cover your role or something?
Basically it's none of his business. Let HR know.

PurpleDaisies · 22/10/2017 10:35

The next time he says it, I'd say something like "you continuing to ask me this is totally inappropriate and if you don't stop immediately, I'm going to involve HR. It is none of your business. Stop."

EnidClowes · 22/10/2017 10:37

I had to give my mum a telling off about this as she was telling me she'd been doing the same to a female colleague. I explained that her friend might be trying desperately, might have mad multiple miscarriages, might be having IVF or might - you know NOT want babies. It is truly noone else's business. Her response was " oh I know she's not had miscarriages/IVF/she wants babies". Some people think they're entitled to be involved in the daily lives of a woman's womb!
If you can- I'd explain to him that it's none of his business, explain that by asking women that he's potentially really being a dick and hurting their feelings.
Otherwise just tell him to fuck right off

KarateKitten · 22/10/2017 10:37

I think a quiet word to tell her it's inappropriate would be the way to go. Or a word with HR would definitely get the message across.

People need to understand that it's not ok to harass women about children and pregnancy in a work environment (or anywhere).

Original poster

Pearlsofmadness · 22/10/2017 10:39

I hadn’t thought about a hidden agenda, actually. There possibly could be.
I think I need to be firmer and tell him I’ll go to HR if he keeps asking. It could be that he is genuinely clueless and it’s his odd way of making conversation, but he isn’t getting it when I repeatedly tell him I’m not planning to have a baby anytime soon. Thought he’d have got the idea by now. Hidden agenda may be why he keeps bringing it up, actually.

OP posts:

pinkdonkey · 22/10/2017 10:40

Yes this is really annoying, I had one collegue (thankfully shes left now) who would come up and rub my belly and ask if I was pregnant yet every time she saw me for over a year after I got married even when I was telling her we weren't trying each time she asked. I bumped into her a few months ago and she did the same thing infront of a packed room of people, we now have been ttc for a long time and it was truely awful. What makes it worse is that she told me a long time ago it had taken her 10 years to concieve so she must know how awful it is to be asked!

Urubu · 22/10/2017 10:40

YANBU
There is a scene in my wedding video where my MIL makes a speech a says soon babies will come and I am face.

Slartybartfast · 22/10/2017 10:40

Is he a bit simple op?
he sounds young and innocent. just count to ten and ignore him op.

PurpleDaisies · 22/10/2017 10:41

Why should she ignore him slarty?

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 22/10/2017 10:41

Frankly I'd tell him to fuck off, that it's none of his business whether you can have children or not and that he needs to stop talking about it. I hate these kinds of people, so cruel for those of us who are struggling with infertility.

Original poster

Pearlsofmadness · 22/10/2017 10:42

Pinkdonkey That’s awful, I never fail to be astounded by how insensitive people can be.

OP posts:

raviolidreaming · 22/10/2017 10:42

YANBU to be annoyed, but I think YABU not to say something to them so they know they're annoying you and have the chance to stop.

Slartybartfast · 22/10/2017 10:42

Do you tell him you hope you're not op?

toomuchtooold · 22/10/2017 10:44

It could be that he's just clueless and saying it because IDK, it sounds grown up or something. I had a colleague who started this pish just after he got engaged. He said it to a few people and then to me once about a fortnight after I'd miscarried for the second time. As I watched his face crumple after I told him that, I felt slightly bad for him, but more bad for me TBH. And hopefully it cured him of speculating about stuff that was none of his business.

Original poster

Pearlsofmadness · 22/10/2017 10:44

Slarty he isn’t simple. He’s a very well educated male in his mid thirties. He hasn’t had the experience of a long term relationship though so I think he may lack insight there. However, I’ve been counting to 10 every week since July & it’s really irritating me now.

OP posts:

Slartybartfast · 22/10/2017 10:45

I think I would blow op
How annoying.

phoenix1973 · 22/10/2017 10:46

Tell him to stop being personal its not on and it makes you feel uncomfortable. If it carries on report to HR.
Fwiw i had the same issue in.my late 20s as all ladies at work had new babies and i didnt want any. My boss was like a dog with a bone.....used to plonk his own baby on me and say "oh this will help soften you up you should have one when are you habing one" awful.

Original poster

Pearlsofmadness · 22/10/2017 10:46

And no, I don’t telll him I hope I’m not. I tell him I am not planning to have a baby anytime soon because I’m not ready, which is the truth.

OP posts:

MardAsSnails · 22/10/2017 10:46

I had a colleague like this. He would comment so so often. Usually once every few weeks. I'd smile and nod and find a reason to walk off.

One day I turned around to him and snapped at him 'I've been married 10 years. Don't you think there's a reason I don't have any fucking children' and walked off. Next day there was a huge box of chocolates on my desk and an apology for being insensitive.

(The reason is that, actually, we're both terrified of failure. Both failure in trying and failure in being parents. There's good reason to believe it won't happen on both sides, so we've come to an unspoken agreement that if it happens it happens. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I've been off the pill 9 years now. Condoms not used either. But we've never 'tried' or made conscious effort to even properly track things to maximize chances if you get me)

KoolKoala07 · 22/10/2017 10:47

Yanbu!
I am ready for children and am currently 9 weeks pregnant for the second time (first pregnancy mmc and no one knows about this one yet).

I get this from clients at work. Most of them I've known a lot of years and they seem to say what they want.

Back fired on one lady though. She went on and on about me having kids and how lovely it would be to have little koalas running around, I tried to say 'yes, one day or we'll see' type comments she wouldn't drop it so in the end I said to her that I was having medical management for my miscarriage on Monday as I'd had a scan and my baby hadn't developed and at that point I was still pregnant.
Shut her up didn't it.

One of dhs colleagues said to him 'your turn next' when someone bought their baby into the office (he really likes this colleague and wasn't annoyed at the comment) and he just say 'why should I be next?' Shut him up also.

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